Aladdin Is the Reason 90's Kids Grew Up Kinky

 

"Attorney General" Pam Bondage, I Mean, Pam Bondi

 

If she insists on being Donald Trump's love slave, then I'm going to treat her like one.

"Sunstone, Vol. 1" by Stjepan Sejic

BOOK TITLE: Sunstone, Vol. 1

AUTHOR: Stjepan Sejic

YEAR: 2018

GENRE: Graphic Novel

SUBGENRE: BDSM Erotica

GRADE: A

People generally don’t mind sexualized characters as long as they’re three-dimensional beings and not cardboard cutouts. Lisa and Ally are definitely not in the cardboard cutout category. In addition to being lesbian friends with benefits, they’ve got hobbies, lives, and ambitions of their own. Lisa wants to be a successful author and Ally wants to play videogames and destroy her opponents (button mashing aside). Their biggest flaw as characters is their shyness and awkwardness around each other, which is something we all can relate to at some point or another. They want so badly to become more than just friends, but they tiptoe around the issue so much that it seems impossible. You know what else makes them three-dimensional? They’re good people any reader would want to hang around with. They have funny banter, deep conversations, and they actually know not to exceed each other’s limits when it comes to their adult fun time. Which leads me to my next point about the graphic novel…

The BDSM is portrayed as a healthy relationship dynamic rather than as toxicity masquerading as romance. The author of the Fifty Shades trilogy desperately needs to take notes from this book. Lisa has a safe word (where the Sunstone title comes from), she establishes boundaries (which are respected by Ally), and after the adult fun time is over, they have something called “after care”, which is basically lovey-dovey cuddling to bring the emotional rollercoaster to a halt. Either the author is a BDSM nerd himself or he’s a fantastic researcher. Regardless, he knows exactly what he’s doing when it comes to his craft. I don’t get that sense when I read Fifty Shades of Grey. If you can’t write what you know, then at least put the time in and do your research so that you don’t sound like a doofus when you put words to paper. Yes, I realize I’m a massive hypocrite for saying that considering I’ve been called out for poor research techniques myself, but it’s all part of the learning process. Some lessons have to be learned the hard way. But it appears as though Stjepan Sejic is an expert in what he’s talking about, so I trust him to put together a cohesive story, three-dimensional characters and all.

And of course, if an author is going to write an erotica story, it better be hotter than Hawaiian weather. Thus, we have another thing that the author nails perfectly. It isn’t just that the MC’s are lesbians or that they love BDSM. It’s that despite their awkwardness, they manage to have a good time with each other, to the point where they keep seeing each other despite their shy tendencies. I won’t go into detail how these sex scenes play out for obvious reasons, but rest assured that you won’t forget what you see, and I don’t mean that in a traumatic way. On the contrary, these scenes are very much welcome in the human brain and can stay there for as long as they’d like. It doesn’t come off like a raunchy video you’d find on the darkest parts of the internet. It feels legitimate, which is another indicator that Sejic knows exactly what he’s doing. I like authors who know what they’re doing. It’s so refreshing. Again, take notes, E.L. James!

While characters can be as flawed as the authors want them to be, I couldn’t find a single flaw in the story itself. There was nothing overly offensive or grammatically inept in this book at all. Maybe the only people who would find this offensive are pearl-clutching puritans, but that’s not the target audience and I wouldn’t want to read a story where they are. Everything is healthy, everything is sane, and I walked away from this story in a much better place than before I went into it. This graphic novel gets a perfect five stars out of five. It definitely makes me want to read the rest of the Sunstone series, however many volumes there are.

Secretary

MOVIE TITLE: Secretary

DIRECTOR: Steven Shainberg

YEAR: 2002

GENRE: Erotic Drama

RATING: R for language and sexual content

GRADE: Fail

When you notice that this movie is an erotic drama and you see that James Spader’s character’s last name is Grey, your mind probably jumps to a decade later and a certain novel from E.L. James that generated controversy. Maybe this movie was a prophecy of sorts. I don’t see why not. Spader’s character’s first name is Edward and yes, that name also sounds suspicious considering where E.L. James got her inspiration from. Edward Grey is a sharp-dressed attorney who hires secretaries for the sole purpose of inflicting BDSM punishments on them whenever they make even the smallest of mistakes. He’s a well-to-do employer who takes full advantage of the power he has over his employees. Sound familiar? Not exactly a healthy relationship that’s built to last.

The imbalanced power dynamic is most evident when Maggie Gyllenhaal’s character, Lee Holloway, becomes his latest charge. She starts the movie by exiting a mental hospital after struggling so long with self-harm. While the act of cutting and bandaging herself is a realistic behavior of someone with her mental illnesses, it plays a little too well into the BDSM relationship. Edward Grey spanks her repeatedly and she gets off on that. Let me repeat that back to you, not unlike a secretary typing a letter for a powerful attorney: a woman who finds psychological healing in harming herself finds sexual pleasure in being harmed, by someone with too much professional power, no less. I’ll let that sink in for a little while.

But perhaps I’m reading too much into this. After all, one of this movie’s thousands of subgenres is comedy. Comedy shouldn’t be taken too seriously, right? I’d agree with that sentiment if it wasn’t for the fact that I didn’t laugh one single time throughout this movie. I could have watched an orphanage burn to the ground and it would have made me laugh harder than this movie. Was I supposed to be impressed by the over-the-top portrayal of BDSM culture? Was Lee Holloway’s awkwardness supposed to make me chuckle? Maybe it’s just dry humor and belly laughs weren’t necessarily required. Maybe I’m too dumb to get the punch line. Whatever the case may be, I think the word “comedy” can be removed from this movie’s list of subgenres and it wouldn’t suffer much.

Up until the ending, this movie had loads of potential. It could have been a dark story about the power imbalance between boss and subordinate. It could have been a struggle with mental illness. Edward Grey’s small moments of guilt could have encompassed the entire story and I would have been fine with that. While I won’t spoil the ending, I will give away the fact that as the movie draws closer to it, the overall tone becomes happy and romantic. That’s right. Taking advantage of a vulnerable, mentally ill woman is seen as a healthy relationship dynamic. Maybe this movie was a prophecy after all. Thanks, but no thanks. This movie gets a failing grade because it reminds me too much of Fifty Shades of Grey. And for the record, the sex scenes are just as vanilla.

"Siren Slave" by Aurora Styles

BOOK TITLE: Siren Slave

AUTHOR: Aurora Styles

YEAR: 2014

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Erotic Fantasy

GRADE: Pass

Princess Freya masquerades as a loyalist of Roman culture while simultaneously feeding their military secrets to a band of pirate rebels led by Siegfried the Fox, whom she has a massive crush on. She also discovers herself to be a fey creature with magical powers that will help her in her quest. But without full knowledge of how to use those powers, she succumbs to kidnapping at the hands of druid assassins and needs to be rescued by Siegfried. Soon after, the two of them form a master/slave relationship that angers every close-minded conformist who can’t understand BDSM culture. Even Siegfried has doubts from time to time, but he’s determined to do everything in his power to make this relationship work. Freya is determined as well; it was her idea, after all.

Because this book falls under the erotica section, there’s an obligation to deliver when it comes to sexy scenes. While I won’t say exactly what these scenes entail, I will tell you that your wildest fantasies will come true whether you’re living vicariously through Siegfried or Freya. And the best part of their relationship? Despite being a master/slave dynamic, it’s actually healthier than most “normal” relationships out there. They both want this. They both hunger for this. They’re perfect for each other, which is more than I’ll ever say about the Christian Greys and Anastasia Steeles of the erotica genre. The sex can seem a little rough at times, but it’s rough in a good way and not in an uncomfortably cringey way. Aurora Styles knows her stuff!

You know what else she knows all about? Creating a likeable protagonist in the form of Freya. Her knack for puns, alliteration, and snappy one-liners make her dialogue a joy to read. She’s not quirky for the sake of being quirky; her humor is authentic. Any man would be lucky to have her company, let alone Siegfried the Fox. But if you think sober Freya is a lot of fun to be around, try getting her drunk on blueberry ale or white wine. Or better yet, give her one of Hedwig’s not-so-carefully concocted potions. Yes, Freya is clumsy and silly, but those flaws don’t detract from her being a likeable character. As a writer myself, I envy Aurora Styles’s ability to pull that off.

Last thing I want to touch on is the creatively-woven fantasy elements this story has. Freya discovers her ability to turn into a dragon/swan/mermaid and that alone is impressive. She’s also nifty with a trident and she can manipulate blood. These abilities don’t make her a Mary-Sue, though, because she’s just as vulnerable as any other character in the story. Plus, she struggles to master these powers completely, especially when each villain is more difficult to fight than the last. But not to worry, because Hedwig the Sea Witch has her potions and seductive magic, Siegfried has his stag transformation and magical panpipes, Hecate and Balor have their own demonic powers, and Woden…well, he’s just a muscle-bound stud with a massive spear and no need to wear anything but a loincloth in freezing weather. All of these characters round each other out with their powers and their unique personalities.

While there are some typos scattered here and there and the mythology is hard to keep track of at times, Siren Slave was an enjoyable read from start to finish. It’s a thick book with long chapters, but they go by so fast because of how easy it is to get lost in the action, violent, dramatic, and sexual. Aurora Styles will get a passing grade for her efforts. This book definitely took a lot of hard work and she should be rewarded for that. Congratulations on the four out of five stars! Don’t let the haters get you down!

Bondage In Fiction

Just because there’s a hot and sexy lady rolling around on the floor with her hands cuffed and her mouth taped, doesn’t necessarily mean the intent behind the bondage was boner-worthy. And before you ask, no, this entry isn’t a rehashing of Fifty Shades of Grey. Not all bondage is sexual, though it can easily be interpreted that way. For instance, in the BBC television series Chandler & Company, there’s a scene where Elly Chandler gets tied up with electrical cords and gagged with black tape. If this scene was on You Tube, I’m sure there would be hundreds of horny men claiming that they came all over their monitor or some classless shit like that. They already do that for the French short film Poison d’Avril since the female lead is gagged with a pink rubber ball. What does this have to do with literature? Simple: as writers, if we’re going to tie and gag a hot and sexy woman, we’d better be prepared for the consequences if the scene isn’t executed correctly. For example, you have to be conscious of what kind of gag is used in the scene. In crime dramas and military thrillers, the captor is more likely to use a cloth or tape gag while in horror and erotic novels, the captor will either use a bit or a ball gag. If you want to know why this is important, try switching the two genres and gag types around. Let’s say you’re watching the episode of NCIS where Ziva David is kidnapped by the port-to-port killer Jonas Cobb. When she was discovered by Gibbs and the team, she had duct tape on her mouth, albeit for a short while. If she had been discovered with a ball gag and leather underwear, the audience would have a hard time taking the drama seriously. In fact, they might laugh their asses off. Tape gags work well in horror and erotic novels, but tread lightly, my friends. If you’re writing an erotic novel and your lead captor is holding an AK-47 to the fully dressed tape gagged vixen, then your male readers’ penises will shrivel up to the size of a pea. In horror, pretty much any gag will work. In Candyman 3, the lead female character is captured and ball gagged. In Die Watching, one of the female characters is topless and has duct tape on her mouth and nose. By this rationale, you can get away with pretty much anything you want when it comes to bondage scenes in horror novels, as long as it’s disturbing and creepy. In the end, it’s your novel and you’re going to write it your way. But if you’re writing a crime novel where a teenaged girl is tape gagged and whipped by a guy in leather underwear and a zipper hood, be prepared for scrutiny. Lots and lots of scrutiny.

　

***TELEVISION QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Seven witnesses saw you kill those people. You know what that means? It means if one of them gets hit by a bus, there are still six more witnesses who saw you do it.”

-Dutch Wagenbach from “The Shield”-

"The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty" by Anne Rice

If you’re looking for a sweet, gentle romance novel that will win your heart and make you shed tears of joy, this isn’t the book for you. If, on the other hand, you want a permanent hard-on and a reason to flush all of your Viagra down the toilet, Anne Rice is the author you want to turn to. She wrote a book back in the early 80’s called “The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty”, which takes a normally innocent fairy tell and turns it into the sexiest piece of literature you’ll ever read. It matters not what your gender or preference is, because at the beginning of the book, Anne Rice specifically says that this novel is “For the enjoyment of men and women.” Yeah, no kidding. This book has everything you could ever want in a sexual fantasy: hardcore bondage, man-on-woman intercourse, woman-on-woman action, and from time to time, man-on-man action. As I’ve said before, it doesn’t matter what your sexual preferences are, because sooner or later, no matter who’s getting it where, you’re going to have some serious libido afterwards. Do you all remember that episode of Family Guy where Glenn Quagmire discovers internet porn and suddenly his right arm is more muscular and toned than the left arm? That’s going to be you by the time you complete the first chapter. Maybe after the first page. But as sexy as this book is, there are some points in it that are completely mind boggling. Having sex slaves run around a track and jump through hoops like circus lions? That’s a little bit bizarre even for the bondage genre. All in all, I can’t complain, because those bizarre moments are very few and far between. There are far more hot and sexy moments than there are weird and awkward moments. The one moment that’s my personal favorite is when Prince Alexi has sex with The Queen for the first time. And then afterwards, she grabs various body parts of his and claims that they are hers. And when I say body parts, I’m obviously not doing a good job of being subtle. In short, if you want something that’ll make a Playboy magazine seem about as fun as The Wall Street Journal, buy this book. I will admit, though, that it’s not the quickest read you’ll ever have. But then again, with sweet action like this, it doesn’t have to be. You’re not just going to be hooked all the way through this book, you’re going to be chained and gagged to it as well.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“She is dangerous, she is dangerous, I’m sure. And she’s all dressed up and knocking at my door. She is dangerous, she is dangerous, I know. But she’s got my heart and she’s never letting go.”

-James Blunt singing “Dangerous”-