Brainwashed By Television

Swordfights are fun! Fairytale romances are fun! Fairytale romances that happen as a result of swordfighting are fun! Buy this cheeseburger! Buy this appliance! What a splendid pie! Pizza pizza pie! Every minute, every second, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy! You feel hungry yet? If so, what are you hungrier for: a Disney princess or an extra large pepperoni pizza? Having a hard time deciding? Don’t worry, because the television will decide that for you. I can’t speak for the entire population, but I must confess that I’ve been brainwashed by television. It’s not just the juicy bacon double cheeseburgers on screen that capture my imagination. It’s not some random guy saying, “Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop ‘em in your mouth!” when referring to popcorn shrimp. It’s the ultra spicy women. It’s the romantic storylines those women are a part of that make me want it for myself.

The other day, my brother and I were driving home from Wendy’s (as a result of being brainwashed by their commercials). He mentions to me that he has a friend who doesn’t want to be in a relationship with women anymore because it keeps him from doing all the things he wants to do with his life. Disney movies like Aladdin and Snow White will show you the magical side of romance. They’ll show you the heartstrings being pulled, the stars in the lovers’ eyes, the irresistible physical beauty, and the all-important happily ever after. I explained to my brother that the reason I was interested having a relationship for myself is because I was brainwashed by television into believing that. One romantic relationship onscreen is questionable on its own. But when you get hit with that kind of message over and over again for a long period of time, you start to believe it. First it’s Aladdin and Jasmine bonding over their economic statuses. Then it’s Marty Deeks and Kensi Blye from NCIS: Los Angeles bonding over their traumas (because love totally cures everything, right?). I’m not ragging on people who genuinely enjoy romantic storylines. I’m just relating my experiences, that’s all.

You know what those Disney movies don’t tell you about relationships? They’re work. They’re a LOT of work. Basically, you’re responsible for another human being. If you have children together, you’ll be responsible for a LOT of human beings. You have to make compromises and sacrifices in order to keep your partner happy. Your partner has to do the same. Sometimes these sacrifices means scaling back on dreams you’ve previously had, whether it’s world travel, a music career, an acting career, or whatever. Some people can juggle a relationship with their ambitions. Some people can’t and they remain miserable. Where would I fall under those categories? That’s the thing: I wouldn’t know because I’ve only been in two relationships my whole life. One of them was an online romance and the other was casual dating. I’ve never felt like my freedom was limited or even tested in the slightest, but only because it hasn’t had that chance. It’s weird, because I turned down dates left and right in middle school because I thought my individuality was going to be threatened. Would it have been? I don’t know.

So where did we get this idea that romance is the be-all-end-all of life goals? Obviously, we’ve been pounded over the head with this idea from when we were small up until adulthood. But let’s examine this further, shall we? It’s what authors do best. Think about your favorite piece of media, whether it’s a movie, TV show, videogame, book, or otherwise. Ever notice that anytime an attractive woman is featured in those stories, most of the time she’s shoehorned into a relationship with a male character? Take Super Street Fighter II, for example. There are only two female characters in that whole game: a kung fu practitioner named Chun Li and a British Intelligence officer named Cammy White. Both characters are physically attractive and the programmers made extra sure to put them in revealing outfits, Chun Li in a bottomless Chinese dress and Cammy in a thong leotard. When Chun Li is the one who kills M. Bison (the main boss), she goes on to become a “single girl” (at least that’s one of her endings). When Cammy defeats Bison, he reveals to her that they “used to be in love”. The only male characters who are given the romantic treatment are Vega (who’s a narcissistic Spanish ninja) and Ken (a karate master who marries his fiancé Eliza). Vega and Ken aren’t nearly as sexualized as Cammy and Chun Li are, and the latter two are the only females in the game. Draw your own conclusions.

But it’s not just videogames. It’s any kind of media you can think of. The original Star Wars movies feature Princess Leia in a golden bikini. Also, she has a romantic storyline with Han Solo. Coincidence? Sure, why not? WWE is notorious for doing romantic storylines with their attractive female roster. As I’m writing this, there’s sexual tension between Buddy Murphy and Aalyah Mysterio (Rey’s daughter). Why did they decide this? Who knows? What about NCIS? Ziva David is an Israeli assassin who joins the team. She’s also an attractive female who’s got a slow burn going on with a male cohort, Tony DiNozzo. Why is this happening? Why is this spread across virtually all media? Why do some of these characters have to be shoehorned together? Sometimes the chemistry is there and it makes for a good storyline. But not all the time. Sometimes you’ve got Kickboxer: Vengeance. Sometimes you’ve got Fifty Shades of Grey. Sometimes you’ve got…(gulp)…365 Days, where the lead female is being held hostage by the lead male and is given that amount of time to fall in love with him. Romanticizing Stockholm Syndrome! Yum! Ugh…

I get that romance is a part of life. I get that it makes for good media. I get that people have ambitions to be a wife or a husband, a mother or a father. I’m not knocking anybody who believes in these dreams. To each their own. But for me personally, the reason I want a romance for myself is because I’ve been brainwashed by TV. If I think about it, there’s no reason why my personality will mesh well with a Cammy White or a Ziva David. There’s no reason why any You Tuber would want to travel X number of miles just to hook up with me. I say these things not to whine or complain. I say them because realistically, it’s true. Or to paraphrase a line from George Costanza, “Three hundred pound men with no job, no car, and who live with their parents don’t approach strange women.” I hate even saying that, because I can always point to characters like Otis from the WWE and Aladdin from the Disney movies as examples of men who break barriers to get the beautiful girl. It can happen. But not always. It’s not a surefire outcome. I’ve been beaten over the head with romance so many times in my life that I once believed that there’s someone for everyone. Who’s out there for me? Is she American? Is she Icelandic? Is she Russian? And if I do find this person, how long will she last with me before I annoy the piss out of her? There’s no such thing as job security when it comes to the role of a boyfriend or girlfriend.

But I can still dream. As a matter of fact, I do dream. All the time. I have a very active imagination whenever I’m given alone time. You know what I do with that imagination? I fantasize about resting my head on a woman’s lap while she plays with my hair and says sweet things to me. Who is this woman? It could be a You Tube crush. It could be a celebrity crush. It could be a musical crush. Why do I think about doing this with any of my crushes? Because they did it on an episode of Millennium called “A Room with No View”, though that could hardly be called romantic. Lucy Butler, a demonic seductress, holds one of her captives’ head in her lap and she cuddles with him while giving him kisses and talking sweetly to him. That’s right. I based a romantic fantasy off of a television show about serial killers. If that’s not brainwashing my television, I don’t know what the fuck is. If you’ve seen that episode and are suffering from Stockholm Syndrome yourself, you know why.

I guess the moral of the story is to do your research on what you want before you commit to it. That can apply to romance, but it can also apply to other aspects in life whether it’s a travel destination, a job, a hobby, or a concert to name a few. Only you can decide what’s right and what’s wrong for yourself. Only you can make decisions with your life going forward. If you want a relationship, that’s great. If not, that’s great too. What do I want? I’ll figure it out as soon as I undo my brainwashing by television.

New Orleans Vacation

***NEW ORLEANS VACATION***

From Sunday May 14^th to Thursday May 18^th, I’m going on yet another vacation, this time to New Orleans with my parents and my mom’s two friends Mina and Navin. This will be my second time visiting the city with my first time being in 2011. I always joke to my mom that she’ll get to meet Duane Pride from NCIS: New Orleans and have pumpkin pie with him. It really is a fun and lively city with lots to do. The food is next-level delicious no matter what you’re eating, the necromantic culture is jam-packed with creative fuel, and the swamps are thriving with fascinating creatures. I’ll try to take some pictures and post them to my social media accounts. Unlike the Mexican cruise, I won’t be surrounded by water, so my camera will stay safe and dry.

Just like with any vacation I take, this means limited access to the internet. However, it’s slightly less limited since there’s a good chance I’ll have my laptop fixed before we leave for the airport. That doesn’t mean I’m going to be cranking out Demon Axe chapters, raunchy poetry, and two-sentence horror stories like crazy. On the contrary, this is a vacation and vacations are meant for relaxing, not work. If all goes right with the laptop repair, then I’ll be able to vote in the proceeding WSS contest. As far as entering something, since I’m leaving this Sunday, I’ll have to hit the ground running if I want to get that epilogue from Demon Axe in on time. It can be done, however. Epilogues are so easy to write that I can do it standing on my fucking head.

This is a shorter vacation than what I’m normally used to, so you won’t have to do without me for that long. I’ll always come back to snuggle with my own kitties and sleep in my own bed. Vacations are fun, but coming home is always heavenly. I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you soon!

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I’m getting really sick of guys named Todd! It’s a goofy fucking name! “Hi, what’s your name?” “Tooooooodd! I’m Todd! And this is Blake and Blair and Blaine and Brent.” Where are all of these goofy fucking boy’s names coming from? Taylor, Tyler, Jordan, Flynn. These are not real names! You want to hear a real man’s name? Eddy. What happened to Eddy? He was here a minute ago. Joey and Jacky and Johnny and Phil. Bobby and Tommy and Danny and Bill. What happened, Toooooooodd?! And Cody and Dylan and Cameron and Tucker. Fuck Tucker! Tucker sucks! And fuck Tucker’s friend Kyle! There’s another soft boy’s name for you! Soft names make soft people! I’ll bet you anything that ten times out of ten, Nicky, Vinny, and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle, and Tucker!”

-George Carlin-

Adapting to Change

***ADAPTING TO CHANGE***

We live in an era where everything we do has the potential for artistic merit. In the past, I’ve covered topics like reusing abandoned buildings, home improvement, and building Magic: the Gathering decks, all of which qualify as being creative projects if done in an innovative way. I’d like to add something else to this list, an underrated form of creativity that often gets taken for granted: adapting to change. As long as we live our lives, life will give us all the change we need. Whether it’s good change or bad change, the only way we can seek to improve ourselves is by rising from the ashes every time.

Writers have to adapt to change on a regular basis, especially if they’re working one-on-one with an editor. An editor’s job is simple: read an author’s manuscript and point out what things worked, what things didn’t, and what could be done to improve the things that didn’t. It is not an editor’s job, however, to make these changes for you. Yes, you have a better idea of what to change, but it’s ultimately up to you to decide how you will change those things. Even if an editor gives you a solution at your request, you, the author, are ultimately the one who says “yes” or “no” to that decision. When a writer has successfully adapted to the changes his manuscript is presented with, he will have a stronger product. He may have to edit several more times after that, but every time the literature will become stronger.

Episodic television shows have to adapt to change all the time. A screenwriter can produce weeks, months, or even seasons of television far in advance. But if an actor leaves the show, budgets become constrained, or the ratings aren’t high enough, adapting to change becomes more important than ever and all of that advance television has to be rewritten and reedited to accommodate those changes.

The original version of NCIS (Washington DC) has gone through several lineup changes during its current thirteen year run. In 2005, Sasha Alexander (Special Agent Caitlin Todd) left the show for unknown reasons, so her character was sniped by an Israeli terrorist named Ari. Ever since then, the audience was treated to Ziva David, a socially awkward, yet badass Probationary Agent. In 2013, Cote de Pablo (Ziva’s actor) left the show also for unknown reasons, so her character went back to Israel due to crippling guilt. She was replaced by socially awkward NSA analyst turned NCIS Special Agent Ellie Bishop. Don’t worry, because Emily Wickersham (Ellie’s actor) isn’t going anywhere for the time being. Michael Weatherly (Tony DiNozzo) on the other hand is leaving at the end of this current season. So many changes, so little time.

The WWE has to adapt to changes all the time, so that will keep the creative writers busy for a long, long time. In 2015, there were a shit ton of injuries that prevented certain wrestlers from competing. Seth Rollins tweaked his knee and had to give up the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, which is currently being held by his former Shield mate Roman Reigns. Daniel Bryan suffered a concussion and had to give up the Intercontinental Championship, which was won by Ryback in an Elimination Chamber match, won by Kevin Owens at Night of Champions, and won by Dean Ambrose at Tables, Ladders, and Chairs. Then Tyson Kidd, Cesaro, John Cena, and Sting started getting injured. The Divas division wasn’t safe either since Paige had concussion issues, Sasha Banks injured her knee, Nikki Bella snapped her neck, and Rosa Mendes became a mother for the first time in her life. Choosing wrestlers to take these injured workers’ places is a critical decision that must be made on the fly. Entire storylines have to be rewritten all over again to accommodate these new wrestlers.

Just like with every journal, I’m going to use my own life as an example as well. My life is for the most part pretty routine, humble, and satisfying. Major changes in my life are rare, but when they do happen, they usually come in the form of a schizophrenic attack. Offensive images and sounds will invade my mind to where I “flinch” away from them to minimize the pain. But as I flinch from them, I’m also flinching from other aspects of my life that I derive pleasure from, the most important one being heavy metal music. How do I adapt to a schizophrenic attack? Listening to more new age music is my most common method. I’ve written a shit ton of heavy metal song lyrics during schizophrenic episodes and they were well received by the public. But just recently, I’ve had to learn how to confront my schizophrenic demons. I had to play the images and sounds in my head so many times without flinching until the fear of them is conquered and dead. I’m no longer afraid of my own mental demons because I looked them in the eye and said, “Fuck you, I’m not moving!” The gatekeepers to my happiness have gone home…but for how long?

Change can come in many forms: a new city to live in, the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, a physical injury, and many others that are easy to relate to. Learning how to live a normal life in the face of these changes is what will make you strong enough to never regret those changes happening. Change is inevitable, but strength is forever. No amount of change will make life impossibly hard to live. You simply learn to work around those issues and face the next challenge with a warrior’s spirit. Any piece of art can be created from the remains of destruction. The main character from Pink Floyd the Wall smashed up his hotel room and turned the broken furniture into a collage. It’s an insane way to think about it, but then again, insanity and creativity have strong ties to each other. We’ve got ears, say cheers!


***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

The next warrior to be drawn will be a villainess named Domino Gunn. If you’ve been following my art career in 2007, you would have seen her in a movie script called World of Darkness, where she was a lingerie-wearing dark paladin whose weapon of choice was a ball in chain. In today’s world, she’s a villainess in the Poison Tongue Tales short story “Stone Cold”. She tries to seduce the vengeful barbarian Brutus Warpath, but gets her throat ripped out instead. A lovely fate for a lovely lady.


***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

DANTE: You know what the real tragedy of all of this is? I’m not even supposed to be here today!

RANDAL: Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal! Jesus, there you go again trying to pass the buck like I’m the source of all your fucking misery! Who closed the store to play hockey?! Who closed the store to go to a funeral?! Who tried to win back his ex-girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one?! You want to blame somebody for all of this?! Blame yourself! “I’m not even supposed to be here today!” You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here! You came here on your own volition! You like to think the weight of the world is on your shoulders like, “This place would fall apart if Dante wasn’t here!” You overcompensate for having what’s basically a monkey’s job! You push fucking buttons! Anybody can waltz in here and do what we do! You make it sound so much more epic, so much more important than it really is! Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante! And badly, I might add! I work in a shitty video store, badly as well! You know, that guy Jay has it right! He has no illusions about what he does for a living! Us, we like to think we’re so much more important than the people who come in here to buy a newspaper or, God forbid, cigarettes! We look down on those people like we’re so advanced! Well, if we’re so fucking advanced, why are we working here?!

-Clerks-

"The Silence of the Lambs" by Thomas Harris

BOOK TITLE: The Silence of the Lambs
AUTHOR: Thomas Harris
YEAR: 1988
GENRE: Fiction
SUBGENRE: Psychological Thriller
GRADE: Pass


Newest FBI recruit Clarice Starling is thrown straight into the line of duty when her latest assignment comes in the form of capturing an elusive serial killer nicknamed Buffalo Bill. To gain insight on Bill’s whereabouts, Clarice must visit an insane asylum and have frequent chats with another serial killer, Hannibal Lecter. The more the two of them talk, the more Clarice realizes that Hannibal is playing mind games with her instead of helping her track a serial killer. He becomes increasingly stubborn when a Tennessee senator’s daughter is taken by Buffalo Bill and the victim only has a week to live, give or take, before she’s officially murdered.

Serial killing is disturbing enough on its own. Thomas Harris managed to make the villainous act even more disgusting with the addition of Buffalo Bill and Hannibal Lecter. Buffalo Bill’s claim to infamy is hunting down random women and peeling their skin off like a banana before leaving them floating in the swampy river. Hannibal Lecter isn’t any more of a humanitarian since he cannibalizes his victims with a side of fava beans and a glass of wine. These two serial killers act as though their frightening habits are normal everyday occurrences. What’s that? Peeling the skin off of a big breasted woman to make a vest? Why not act nonchalant about it? Feeding an unwitting former patient the remains of a cannibalistic supper and having that patient develop anorexia afterwards? Nope, nothing wrong here.

Luckily for the victims of both serial killers, the FBI doesn’t quit. In fact, the methods and science behind every investigation would lead me to believe that either Thomas Harris is a former investigator or he spent tireless hours on research. Either way, he makes putting the reader’s trust into Clarice Starling and other investigators that much more believable. No stone is left unturned from what clothing stores the victims shopped at to where the insects in their throats came from to what kinds of wounds Buffalo Bill is inflicting on his opponents. This brand of science reminds me of what Abby Sciuto and Ducky Mallard do on “NCIS”. But this book was written in 1988, so Clarice Starling didn’t have the benefit of Google, GPS trackers, or quick access to facial recognition software. She had to do all of this the grueling old school way.

But we know that Clarice will be okay in the end because the reader will recognize her as a strong character. She’s been though a lot in her life and most of her trauma is brought to light in her conversations with Hannibal Lecter. In addition to having a brain full of nightmare fuel, she also has to put up with authority figures not believing in her at first, which is natural for a green agent, but even more so for a woman. This is a woman with a lot to prove and when she finally puts two and two together, it was the result of hard research and a tough mind. She’s running on fumes, but every mile counts for something. She lets nothing go to waste and she never will. If you still doubt her by the end of this novel, then you’re a hard son of a bitch to please.

Silence of the Lambs has gained a reputation over the years of being disturbing and frightening to even the toughest of minds, especially now that there’s been a movie made out of it. Hannibal Lecter’s name gets used in just about every conversation about psychopaths and murderers. Hell, he was even used in a joke on “Whose Line Is it Anyway?” when the Scenes from a Hat prompt was “Things you don’t want to hear after eating dinner.” With a twisted mind and a college professor’s knowledge of what he’s writing about, Thomas Harris has created a masterpiece and a legacy that will last for generations to come, probably in the form of PTSD or schizophrenia.

Shawn Philips

OOC: In case you haven’t heard on my Deviant Art account, posts from my blog Garrison’s Library will now be appearing on Deviant Art and Good Reads. These posts include character profiles, song analyses, and positive book reviews. In the past I used to talk about couples and dreams, but those categories have been discontinued due to the redundancy of each post. Let’s get back to our regularly scheduled program.

IC: Have you ever been asked about your employment status and gave the asker an awkward response? You know what I’m talking about. You go to withdraw money from the bank and the teller asks, “Are you just getting off work?” My answer is the same every time: “I’m unemployed.” Doesn’t do much to ease the tension, but it works for me. Now imagine that your name is Special Agent Shawn Philips and Ziva David from the Washington DC version of NCIS asks, “What do you do for a living: write tickets to senior citizens with fake bus passes?” Ziva giggles lightheartedly while Shawn gives off a flat tire noise and says, “Very funny.”

A new season of NCIS and NCIS: Los Angeles are on the horizon. Not only that, but we’re getting an entirely new show from this franchise called NCIS: New Orleans. There was going to be one called NCIS: Red, but that storyline was aborted. With this new crop of NCIS shows coming on TV soon, it’s natural that I would be reminded of dreams I had where there was an NCIS: Seattle and an NCIS: Chehalis. Shawn Philips, the character in question, is from one of these incarnations. I forget which one.

The thing about NCIS characters is they’re always colorful, bright, and cheery to be around. Despite the hard drama that takes places in these shows, the characters never lose their sense of humor and there’s always room for positivism. So why then would a grumpy sourpuss like Shawn Philips be a part of a spin-off cast? The man couldn’t even take a joke about his job. At least when Leroy Gibbs gets grumpy, he has a sense of charisma about him. Shawn Philips is a middle-aged has-been detective whose only charisma lies within his good looks. I need to do something about this.

But in order to do something about Shawn’s lack of charisma, I have to break down the ingredients of a good NCIS character. It takes more than razor-sharp wit and a stellar job performance to make the cut. Shawn can’t just be a three-dimensional character. He has to have so many layers to him it’ll take a nuclear bomb to mine it all out. Unfortunately, this is where my analysis ends. Truth is, I don’t know how to make likeable or even relatable characters. Whenever I write my short stories, the characters’ likeability is 50/50. They might be awesome to be around, they might not be. When they’re not, I can usually sense it from my audience.

But since I believe dreams are a valuable source of creative fuel, I’m more than willing to roll the dice with Special Agent Shawn Philips. Sure, he can’t be a part of an NCIS story since it’s not public domain, but he came to my subconscious for a reason. Somewhere deep inside my psychological gold mine is the name Shawn Philips. Where it came from I will never know. But if I don’t make good use of this opportunity and put him in a future crime story, then we will never know if what I have in my head is a gold mine or just earwax.

　

***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

BOOTH: You probably shouldn’t tell your audience you hate children.

TEMPERANCE: I didn’t say I hated children, I said I wasn’t going to have any.

BOOTH: It comes across the same way on camera.

-Bones-

No Romance in War

I was going to do a blog entry about the almost impossible love between Robotech characters Rick Hunter and Lisa Hayes. I’m not going to do that anymore. The first reason is because my memory is extremely fuzzy when it comes to TV shows I’ve watched during my life in the 90’s. I have a Roku and I could very easily watch Robotech on Hulu, but I’m not feeling up to it right now.

The second reason is because I’ve found a different topic to discuss altogether. If you’re going to sign up for an occupation where violence is involved such as the police, the military, the FBI, the WWE, or the UFC (wow, that’s a lot of acronyms), make sure you’re doing it for a reason other than finding a soul mate.

If you think signing up to be a federal agent will get you a smoking hot wife who looks like Ziva David, Eleanor Bishop, or Kensi Blye, you’re sadly mistaken. If you’re going to participate in a season of The Ultimate Fighter where you have to share the house with chicks, you’re not walking away with Shayna Baszler or Raquel Pennington.

Romance in war is a fantasy that’s explored in canons like NCIS, Robotech, and even The Shield. The thing about fantasies is that they’re only that: fantasies. Truth be told, if you signed up for the police and started getting it on with a coworker, the commissioner could fire you.

Authority figures seem to have it in them that relationships among coworkers will breed poor job performance. It can happen, but not all the time. I don’t agree with the idea of not having relationships with coworkers, but then again, just because I don’t agree with something, doesn’t mean there isn’t a rule for it.

This rule is heavily enforced when it comes to combat occupations, because if there’s even one moment where emotions run high, it could cost lives. Then again, combat costs lives whether people decide to fraternize or not. When you step on a landmine, it won’t matter if you’re shacking up with the captain or not, because you will either lose your leg or you’ll flat-out die.

Death is the winner in any war. John Lennon always said that it’s legal to show people dying on TV, but people making love is suddenly disgusting. We live in a world where violence rules and love is a second class citizen.

Case in point: don’t join a combative occupation for all the wrong reasons. The romance between Rick Hunter and Lisa Hayes stood the test of time. Your romance will not. The line between fantasy and reality is there for a reason.

　

***WRESTLING JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: How do you know when you’re in a gay relationship with Bo Dallas?

A: When you start giving each other Bo-jobs.

Bondage In Fiction

Just because there’s a hot and sexy lady rolling around on the floor with her hands cuffed and her mouth taped, doesn’t necessarily mean the intent behind the bondage was boner-worthy. And before you ask, no, this entry isn’t a rehashing of Fifty Shades of Grey. Not all bondage is sexual, though it can easily be interpreted that way. For instance, in the BBC television series Chandler & Company, there’s a scene where Elly Chandler gets tied up with electrical cords and gagged with black tape. If this scene was on You Tube, I’m sure there would be hundreds of horny men claiming that they came all over their monitor or some classless shit like that. They already do that for the French short film Poison d’Avril since the female lead is gagged with a pink rubber ball. What does this have to do with literature? Simple: as writers, if we’re going to tie and gag a hot and sexy woman, we’d better be prepared for the consequences if the scene isn’t executed correctly. For example, you have to be conscious of what kind of gag is used in the scene. In crime dramas and military thrillers, the captor is more likely to use a cloth or tape gag while in horror and erotic novels, the captor will either use a bit or a ball gag. If you want to know why this is important, try switching the two genres and gag types around. Let’s say you’re watching the episode of NCIS where Ziva David is kidnapped by the port-to-port killer Jonas Cobb. When she was discovered by Gibbs and the team, she had duct tape on her mouth, albeit for a short while. If she had been discovered with a ball gag and leather underwear, the audience would have a hard time taking the drama seriously. In fact, they might laugh their asses off. Tape gags work well in horror and erotic novels, but tread lightly, my friends. If you’re writing an erotic novel and your lead captor is holding an AK-47 to the fully dressed tape gagged vixen, then your male readers’ penises will shrivel up to the size of a pea. In horror, pretty much any gag will work. In Candyman 3, the lead female character is captured and ball gagged. In Die Watching, one of the female characters is topless and has duct tape on her mouth and nose. By this rationale, you can get away with pretty much anything you want when it comes to bondage scenes in horror novels, as long as it’s disturbing and creepy. In the end, it’s your novel and you’re going to write it your way. But if you’re writing a crime novel where a teenaged girl is tape gagged and whipped by a guy in leather underwear and a zipper hood, be prepared for scrutiny. Lots and lots of scrutiny.

　

***TELEVISION QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Seven witnesses saw you kill those people. You know what that means? It means if one of them gets hit by a bus, there are still six more witnesses who saw you do it.”

-Dutch Wagenbach from “The Shield”-

The Literary Genre

Seeing the movie “Barbara” at the Grand Cinema in Tacoma gave me the inspiration to talk about this next topic: the literary genre. While “Barbara” wasn’t a book, it could just as easily fall under this category. The purpose of the literary genre is to educate before it entertains. It’s the reason why you’ll see books like “The Handmaid’s Tale” and “Green Grass, Running Water” on college campuses rather than things like “Harry Potter” and “The Hunger Games”. Literary genre stories don’t have to be fast-paced, they don’t even have to be fun to read. But then again, people don’t go to college or high school to have fun. They go there to become educated citizens so that they can get a good job and keep it for a long, long time. That’s all well and good, up until the point where the teachers penalize you for writing genre fiction, which isn’t always known for artsy-fartsy bullshit. Encouraging students to write literary novels isn’t anywhere near true to what goes on in the real world. There’s a whole sprawl of authors who became successful doing things like fantasy, sci-fi, transgression, and horror stories. They’re so successful that I don’t even have to name them because you already know who they are. But just for the sake of argument, their names are Suzanne Collins, Stephen King, J.K. Rowling, and as much as I hate to admit it, Stephanie Meyer. You don’t always have to win a Pulitzer Prize in order to be a good author. If at least one person likes your work, congratulations, you’re a good author. If multiple people like your work, you’re popular to those people as well. A Pulitzer Prize isn’t a requirement for being well-fed. So why then would teachers encourage their students to write things worthy of such a feat such as literary fiction and nonfiction? If you’re wondering why I need to ask this question, it’s because I’m still peeved about a C I got in one of my multiple-genre writing classes. It’s amazing how I can remember the worst times of my life, but the best ones are so distant that I might as well have Alzheimer’s. In any event, don’t expect “Red Blood, White Knuckles, Blue Heart” to win any Pulitzer Prizes anytime soon. I choose entertainment over education. If you happen to be educated by the lessons taught in genre fiction, then good for you. If you actually had fun reading it, you have a lot more of my respect. Send your money to the United Necromancer College Fund. Because genres are terrible things to waste.

　

***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

DEEKS: Eric, I need you to run a license plate number. S as in Slayer, M as in Metallica, A as in Anthrax, 5-2-3 and P as in…parsnip.

ERIC: Wait a minute, your lettering system is based off of heavy metal bands and all you could give me was a root vegetable?

DEEKS: Sorry, I drew a blank.

ERIC: Pantera! Hello!

DEEKS: Cowboys From Hell. What was I thinking?

-NCIS: Los Angeles-

"Nightmare Hour" by RL Stine

It’s very tempting to laugh at a full-grown adult reading anything by RL Stine, considering that he’s been dubbed “the Stephen King of children’s fiction”. The operative word in that tout is of course “children’s”. But when you actually take “Nightmare Hour” off the shelf and start tooling through it, you begin to think to yourself, “This is children’s fiction? Really?” While it is true that there are no swear words or sexual situations, this anthology isn’t short on disturbing moments. How would you like to have a horde of fuzzy brown spiders crawling up and down your arm…and eventually underneath your skin? Or if you don’t have a heart attack just yet, picture your head being on the end of a pumpkin vine for some sick farmer’s enjoyment. Still keeping your distance from that bottle of Xanax? Try picturing having your foot chopped off after being mistaken for a kid with diabetes. These moments mark some of the scariest in the entire book. I would dare say that these stories are a complete 180 from what I’ve read in the Goosebumps series during my middle school days. Goosebumps is merely TV-Y7-rated material. Always has been and continues to be when the TV version is being syndicated on The Hub. Would you like to take a guess as to where on the TV rating spectrum Nightmare Hour lies? I’d say somewhere between TV-PG and TV-14. Of course, the stories in Nightmare Hour that managed to make it on TV don’t agree with this philosophy. It could be because translations to television aren’t always faithful to the book. I haven’t seen these syndicated episodes, but after seeing the nasty shit that happened in the book, it’s definitely on my bucket list. Hell, I just may kick the bucket while watching an episode of an RL Stine TV show due to having a massive heart attack that even faithful McDonald’s customers never experience. If you’re an adult and reading this book, don’t be ashamed. It’s okay to be frightened and disturbed, but being ashamed is definitely out of the question. Boogedy-boogedy-boo!

　

***TELEVISION QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I hope that when your head is separated from your shoulders, it’s treated with a little more respect than what you’ve shown our victim.”

-Ducky from “NCIS”-