Moe/Joe

BROKEN MOE

Dweams weally do come twue

A dwop in the ocean, happy tear for you

I get to stay in a fowever home

I’ll never have to wowwy about being alone

KATANA JOE

This place is a prison for the cowardly

They just don’t acknowledge it outwardly

If I had my hands around their throats

They could tell me what I already know

BROKEN MOE

How can you say that about my home?

I love my new mommy, I love her so

You’re just a big meanie to evewyone

When anyone can smile, I mean anyone

KATANA JOE

Smiles are just masks to keep us in check

When all I want to do is sever their necks

Violence and death are what we live for

Not to be somebody’s emotional whore

BROKEN MOE

Mommy will wash your mouth out with soap

She’ll use the worst tasting kind, I hope

Be nice to evewyone and you’ll be fine

Don’t wuin my home, it’s mine all mine

KATANA JOE

I’ll kill everyone inside of this hovel

Like a scene from a serial killer novel

You’re next, Broken Moe, so get ready

For a kick in the head so fucking deadly

BROKEN MOE

Get out of my bwain, you big fat jerk

I’ll hate you fowever if you go berserk

Don’t wuin my life, you doo-doo head

I hate these nightmares in my bed

KATANA JOE

Your worst nightmare will come to life

Every one of these throats deserves a knife

I’m the only one here who makes any sense

I’m the fucking landlord, now pay the rent!

HOST BODY

No! No! No! Stop it! I beg you!

KATANA JOE

Hahahahahahaha! Let’s murder this world together!

Little Bastards

VERSE 1

Little feet tapping across the floor

Anxiety builds up more and more

Is the little bastard going to bite?

Or haunt my dreams in the night?

He carries more poison that a cobra

Shrieks of pain, my magnum opus

Splatters of sickness, hospital visits

Face greener than leaves of spinach

CHORUS

Little bastards!

Little fuckers!

Flesh eaters!

Blood suckers!

VERSE 2

One of them dead, a million left to go

Turning my home into a horror show

Hiding in holes, hiding in the walls

Fighting them off takes more than balls

Lay every trap like a desert minefield

Agony and death is what they’ll feel

Until the last one takes its final breath

This is our house, we fight to the death

CHORUS

Little bastards!

Little fuckers!

Flesh eaters!

Blood suckers!

BRIDGE

Dead rats underneath the stove

Dead rats in the kitchen cupboards

Rat shit stinking up the whole house

Rat shit, the floor is fucking covered

VERSE 3

The war is over, but the trauma remains

Everyone I love went nearly insane

Almost shit ourselves, made permanent stains

Visions of little fuckers danced in our brains

A house is a home, no more, no less

Not a dungeon for furry little pests

Not a spawning pit for the little shits

Not an orgy of disease as they eat toxic cheese

EXTENDED CHORUS

Little bastards!

Little fuckers!

Flesh eaters!

Blood suckers!

Little nightmares!

Little shit stains!

Bringers of terror!

Authors of pain!

New Orleans Vacation

***NEW ORLEANS VACATION***

From Sunday May 14^th to Thursday May 18^th, I’m going on yet another vacation, this time to New Orleans with my parents and my mom’s two friends Mina and Navin. This will be my second time visiting the city with my first time being in 2011. I always joke to my mom that she’ll get to meet Duane Pride from NCIS: New Orleans and have pumpkin pie with him. It really is a fun and lively city with lots to do. The food is next-level delicious no matter what you’re eating, the necromantic culture is jam-packed with creative fuel, and the swamps are thriving with fascinating creatures. I’ll try to take some pictures and post them to my social media accounts. Unlike the Mexican cruise, I won’t be surrounded by water, so my camera will stay safe and dry.

Just like with any vacation I take, this means limited access to the internet. However, it’s slightly less limited since there’s a good chance I’ll have my laptop fixed before we leave for the airport. That doesn’t mean I’m going to be cranking out Demon Axe chapters, raunchy poetry, and two-sentence horror stories like crazy. On the contrary, this is a vacation and vacations are meant for relaxing, not work. If all goes right with the laptop repair, then I’ll be able to vote in the proceeding WSS contest. As far as entering something, since I’m leaving this Sunday, I’ll have to hit the ground running if I want to get that epilogue from Demon Axe in on time. It can be done, however. Epilogues are so easy to write that I can do it standing on my fucking head.

This is a shorter vacation than what I’m normally used to, so you won’t have to do without me for that long. I’ll always come back to snuggle with my own kitties and sleep in my own bed. Vacations are fun, but coming home is always heavenly. I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you soon!

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I’m getting really sick of guys named Todd! It’s a goofy fucking name! “Hi, what’s your name?” “Tooooooodd! I’m Todd! And this is Blake and Blair and Blaine and Brent.” Where are all of these goofy fucking boy’s names coming from? Taylor, Tyler, Jordan, Flynn. These are not real names! You want to hear a real man’s name? Eddy. What happened to Eddy? He was here a minute ago. Joey and Jacky and Johnny and Phil. Bobby and Tommy and Danny and Bill. What happened, Toooooooodd?! And Cody and Dylan and Cameron and Tucker. Fuck Tucker! Tucker sucks! And fuck Tucker’s friend Kyle! There’s another soft boy’s name for you! Soft names make soft people! I’ll bet you anything that ten times out of ten, Nicky, Vinny, and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle, and Tucker!”

-George Carlin-

I Don't Have To

VERSE 1

Just because I won’t join the fucking army

Doesn’t mean I wear the clothes of Barbie

There is no shame in staying right at home

It’s better than being dead and buried alone

The drill instructors are too damn loud

The abusive authority is too damn proud

I won’t die for some rightwing agenda

Or have visions of war burned into my retina

CHORUS 1

I don’t have to and I don’t want to

I don’t care if “Uncle Sam wants you!”

They can do just fine without me

The war machine will not devour me

VERSE 2

Blaming a whole generation of people

Is just as bigoted and just as evil

Millennials figured out a long time ago

If you step on a land mine, it’s going to blow

Body parts are strewn across the desert

Staying at home sounds so much better

We’re not the cowards you make us out to be

We’re just like you; we were born to be free

CHORUS 1

I don’t have to and I don’t want to

I don’t care if “Uncle Sam wants you!”

They can do just fine without me

The war machine will not devour me

VERSE 3

Coming home in a wooden casket

Flowers on your grave in a woven basket

Going insane with the trauma of war

Held prisoner behind padded cell doors

Financially crippled, forever homeless

Forever damaged, forever hopeless

This is far from being the American Dream

It’s the American Nightmare, time to scream

CHORUS 2

I don’t have to and I don’t want to

Death and blood will forever haunt you

I don’t belong in a body freezer

It’s not betrayal, I’m not stabbing Caesar

In the Corner

VERSE 1

Sitting in the corner with my headphones blasting

How much longer is this party going to be lasting?

How much longer must I sit alone in silence?

How much longer until I can close my eyelids?

I want to burn this fucker to the ground tonight

Run for the highlands until I’m well out of sight

Scream to the moon, the only one who will listen

And not pass judgment for my violent decision

CHORUS

All you partygoers look the same to me

Too busy with your drugs to talk to me

Too busy with your girls, I’m behind borders

So I’ll just go over here and sit in the corner

VERSE 2

The techno music makes my ears bleed buckets

My heavy metal music tells them all to suck it

Why did I come here in the first fucking place?

Was I that desperate for a smile on my face?

Was I so lonely that I needed a quick date?

When it comes to making sense, it’s too late

Getting up and leaving is my favorite option

But I like this corner, got my own party poppin’

CHORUS

All you partygoers look the same to me

Too busy with your drugs to talk to me

Too busy with your girls, I’m behind borders

So I’ll just go over here and sit in the corner

HOOK

It’s not enough, I need more

Being at home is such a bore

A room full of strangers galore

Is what this night has in store

VERSE 3

The cure for fifty of the coldest strangers

Is one friend who will share your danger

Someone to talk to in your darkest hour

Watch your alliance bloom like a flower

Fuck this party; I’ve had all I can stand

My own safe haven is what I demand

Walking home in the pale moon light

Feels good enough to call it a night

CHORUS

All you partygoers look the same to me

Too busy with your drugs to talk to me

Too busy with your girls, I’m behind borders

So I’ll just go over here and sit in the corner

Fan Boy Noob Stalker

CHORUS
Fan boy noob stalker! X4

VERSE 1
I never meant to hurt you the way I did
I was nothing more than a foolish kid
You deserve better than to be creeped out
I don’t blame you for wanting to shout
Flirting isn’t one of my strongest features
Touching is like acid to my delicate fingers
Shyness is protection for both me and you
Look to the future with a picturesque view

CHORUS
Fan boy noob stalker! X4

VERSE 2
For two long years of higher education
I stayed in the shadows of desperation
Just one comment on a woman’s beauty
Could make someone want to sue me
Even when it came to platonic friends
I knew my social life was near its end
I carried my shame even further than that
I sit at home stewing like a caged up rat

CHORUS
Fan boy noob stalker! X4

VERSE 3
The world is a safer place without my zeal
My single status continues to remain real
I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a lonely life
You were all too willing to tell me goodbye
Are you happy now? You got what you wanted
My romantic dreams are nightmarishly haunted
I gave up on romance like I told you before
I gave you security, but it left me feeling sore

HOOK
You don’t owe me anything
But I still have the right to sing
A hard rock song about isolation
In a world known for intimidation