Extroverted Party Hostess vs. Garrison's Autism: Forever in Search of Common Ground

 

Lights Out

VERSE 1

My allies chug tears from a predator’s eyes

But all I’ll ever dine on is a slice of humble pie

It tastes like shit sandwiched in an armpit

Then I drink in the irony like it’s Nestle Quick

My friends can turn a funeral into a party

But I can’t show up, can’t even be tardy

I got no invitation in my post office box

Got no master key for these heavy ass locks

 

PRE-CHORUS

Why am I expected to be the beacon of light?

 

CHORUS

Lights out! The room is covered in shadows

Just like my black heart after so many battles

Lights out! That’s called a technical knockout

One punch for every memory you made me block out

Lights out!

 

VERSE 2

Forced to wear a halo, but it’s around my neck

While others turn their rage into a biweekly check

Forced to spread angel wings, but my back is broken

While others never once had to go through the motions

Forced to be sweeter than a gingerbread clitoris

Anything less would just be so inconsiderate

I’m a role model to world that won’t even listen

If you want to keep me quiet, you’ve accomplished the mission

 

PRE-CHORUS

Why am I expected to be the beacon of light?

 

CHORUS

Lights out! The room is covered in shadows

Just like my black heart after so many battles

Lights out! That’s called a technical knockout

One punch for every memory you made me block out

Lights out!

 

BRIDGE

If I put my hands up, will you lay down your arms?

Or will you nail my wrists and ankles to a crucifix charm?

If I keep you comfortable, will you finally fall asleep?

Or will you accuse me, abuse me, and bruise me?

 

EXTENDED CHORUS

Lights out! The room is covered in shadows

Just like my black heart after so many battles

Lights out! That’s called a technical knockout

One punch for every memory you made me block out

Lights out! Your coffin’s covered in darkness

Your skin turns gray and your calcium hardens

Lights out! I’ll disco dance at your wake

All I need to know now is whose hand will I take?

Lights out!

Lights out!

Lights out!

Lights out!

Couch Potato Salad

Running late to a party where I don’t belong
What’s the fucking point in staying so strong?
What’s the point in coming out of the shadows?
Small talk never got past the point of shallow

Laying on the couch and staring at the ceiling
Forgetting about my brokenhearted feelings
Forgetting that there are strangers all around me
I’d enter their social circles if they allowed me

Couch potato salad is what I’ve become
Lazy, dead inside, and comfortably numb
I didn’t have to suck down a single beer
To feel like sleeping forever in here

There’s a Denny’s only a few blocks away
Hopefully they’re open twenty-four hours a day
Pancakes and syrup to kill the loneliness
My body’s a temple and I’m his holiness

Nobody noticed that I got off the couch
Not a “goodbye” or “wait up” out of their mouths
That’s okay, they’re invisible to me as well
What about the waitress? Can she even tell?

Walking down the street with my head hung low
Keeping my pace so agonizingly slow
I don’t notice when someone tells me to move
To impatient strangers, I’ve nothing to prove

Another night of waffles and emptiness
Another night of squandered friendliness
Another night of being socially envious
Another night of depressive endlessness

When will I learn to stay home for the night?
When will I admit that I could never be right?
No more philosophy, just syrup and batter
It’s not like any of this even fucking matters

A happy Buddha belly and a frozen heart
This is how the next morning will start
Another day of wishing for bravery
And chowing down on steaks so savory

Ice Cream

VERSE 1

I saw you eating the ice cream on TV

I broke up with you so no one would see me

Side by side with a piggish eater

You ranked lower than a careless cheater

I saw you with hot fudge on your face

I saw you with chocolate all over the place

I had to get away, please try to understand

It’s not you, it’s me; I’m breaking up the band

CHORUS

He’s the loser, she’s the victor

If she’s superficial, you don’t have to miss her

To the victor go the spoils

Is that enough to get your blood to boil?

VERSE 2

Join the party, it’s not totally awkward

The host himself made the final offer

He’s keeping his lips tight about the breakup

But there’s still no chance to kiss and makeup

You can read his lips from a mile away

“Let’s sleep together” is what he’ll say

One letter off and you’re like a volcano

Yet she’s the one with the wings and halo

CHORUS

He’s the loser, she’s the victor

If she’s superficial, you don’t have to miss her

To the victor go the spoils

Is that enough to get your blood to boil?

BRIDGE

Hop in the car and get out of the arena

For this disaster, you’ll have to call FEMA

Don’t worry about useless small talk

If worst comes to worst, get out and walk

EXTENDED CHORUS

He’s the loser, she’s the victor

If she’s superficial, you don’t have to miss her

To the victor go the spoils

Is that enough to get your blood to boil?

If this is comedy, your sense of humor is dark

You make slaughter sound like a walk in the park

Just another item on the list of failures

That ship has left and you’re the sailor

Chunky Puffs

That Crescent Moon Party was some badass shit. Lots of drinking, lots of dancing, lots of fucking, and not one werewolf in sight. And then Nick Savage wondered why the hell he was tied to a barbecue rack out on the beaches with a spitfire underneath him. He wondered why the hell he had a golden delicious apple in his mouth like a ball gag. The biggest question of all was why were two chubby cannibals with afro hair and grass skirts looking on at him with the most romantic eyes. They made Nick shiver like a naked Eskimo when they licked their fat lips.

In the end, none of those questions mattered to Nick. All he had to do was get the hell out of this contraption before daybreak. With his vampire fangs, he chewed through the apple and swallowed it whole, giving off an obnoxious burp after enjoying his snack. He looked at the confused cannibals with a crazy smile and said, “Well, you know what they say: an apple a day keeps the doctor away. So as soon as the two of you are done checking each other’s prostates, I’d like it if you’d untie me.”

The cannibal on the left started screaming in a tribal language while his friend was holding him back. During their petty argument, Nick could hear them call each other Soa and Tufu. He laughed like an evil clown while the one called Soa angrily asked, “What’s so funny, you pathetic little creature?!”

“Nothing, nothing at all,” said Nick. “I just didn’t think my night was end with me getting eaten alive by two idiots named Soda and Tofu. I suppose that can’t be worse than Gwyneth Paltrow naming her daughter Apple, but hey, who am I to judge?”

Soa was even more aggressive with his thrashing and tribal screaming, but Tufu was there to hold him back. As soon as Soa calmed down, his cohort pulled him aside and the two of them talked in their native language out of ear shot of Nick.

“Hey, retards!” Nick shouted. “If you’re going to try and eat me, do it already! I have a nice juicy ass that you could nibble on. Or if you’d like an even bigger slice of meat, flip me over and I’ll be happy to help.”

Soa and Tufu came back with a gigantic pot of brown gravy with a ladle inside. While Soa was rubbing his hands together and smiling deviously, his friend drizzled the brown sauce all over Nick’s bare chest.

“Wow, that looks appetizing,” said Nick. “You know, if you feed me some Taco Bell, I could do the same thing to the two of you in about half an hour.”

Tufu slammed the pot of gravy down on the sand and pinched Nick’s cheeks together with his massive thumb and fingers. “You want to be a smart ass, little man?” said Tufu. “Keep talking. We’re still going to devour every square inch of your pathetic little body!”

“Every square inch?” asked Nick sarcastically. “Including…you know…those places? This wasn’t exactly how I envisioned getting laid tonight, but if you two want to lose your virginities that bad, I guess there’s nothing I can do.”

Tufu raised his meaty fist in the air and brought it down upon Nick’s mouth. The vampire spit out a fountain of blood in his captor’s face. The two cannibals grinned evilly at their prey while Soa said, “I think our meat needs to be tenderized. We’ll see how tough he really is. Punch him again! Knock those disgusting fangs out of his smart little mouth!”

The second time Tufu went for a punch to the mouth, Nick chewed through the cannibal’s hand and started drinking his blood. While Tufu screamed, Soa tried to pry the vampire’s fangs off of his cohort’s hand. Instead of releasing his alligator grip, Nick took one last bite at his captor’s wrist and swallowed the hand whole. Tufu fell backwards and rolled around in pain while blood squirted from his stump like a volcano.

While Soa knelt beside his friend to try and stop the rapid bleeding, Nick thrashed and struggled in his bonds. He could feel the ropes coming slowly apart with every jerk and twist. Tufu shouted at his partner, “Never mind me! The little bastard is trying to escape!”

Soa looked into Nick’s eyes with fire, fury, and tightly clenched teeth. As the vampire wriggled around, the cannibal picked an axe off the ground and slowly marched toward his victim. Soa drooled so much that he was aggravating the fire underneath his victim. Nick hollered as the rising flames scorched his bare back and burned holes in his blue jeans. The tribal warrior raised his axe and roared like a lion as he brought it down for one death blow to the gut.

While the rising flames turned Nick’s back crispy, they also weakened his bindings. As the axe came down, the vampire hastily brought his now liberated knee into Soa’s hand and caused him to drop the blade into the fire. While Nick’s back was completely blistered and red, the last few ropes were weak enough to break easily. He jumped off the barbecue rack and got in a rapid fist fight with Soa.

The two warriors smashed each other in the face so many times that they bled and bruised instantly. Fists turned to elbows. Elbows turned to knees. All eight limbs were being used to smash the shit out of each other and the resulting bursts of blood built up the fire even more.

The tickle of fire caused Nick to jump into Soa’s arms. Though slightly dizzy, the cannibal looked bloodily and romantically into his victim’s eyes. Nick looked at his tormentor the same way. When both men leaned in to take a bite, it was the vampire who clutched a hold of the cannibal’s jugular vein and drank blood like he was doing a keg challenge at a frat party. Soa’s body became as limp as a noodle, thus signifying his death.

After treating his victim’s blood like an open bar, Nick stumbled around clutching his chest while saying, “I don’t feel so good. I think I’m going to…I think…Jesus Christ…” He coughed violently before dropping to his knees and eventually plopping down on the sand chest first. The coughing became softer until he could no longer move.

Tufu, who had scrambled off to the side with a pile of leaves covering his stump, had finally gotten his bleeding under control to where he was no longer screaming in pain. He looked down at the lifeless Nick Savage with heavy breathing and clenched teeth. Little by little, he trudged over to the corpse while on his knees and started ranting under his breath.

“What’s wrong, little man?” said the last remaining cannibal. “Did you drink too much? Did you have a heart attack? That sucks for you. Too bad there’s nobody out here to give you CPR. I’d give it to you, but your mouth smells like shit and I don’t want to taste it. If you want a kiss so badly, give it to one of your gothic vampire boyfriends!”

Nick began to stir ever so slowly as he reached his hand for his chest once again. “Please…take me to the hospital. I’m having a heart attack. I’m dying!”

“Oh, you’re going to die alright. There may be a crescent moon out tonight, but that doesn’t mean I’m going home hungry. Crescent Moon Party? How insulting is that? We would have hunted your kind down no matter what the skies forecasted!”

The vampire breathed weakly and looked at Tufu with a confused expression. “You’re…you’re a werewolf?”

“Surprise, surprise, little man!” said Tufu with a hearty chuckle. “Just because I don’t walk around with fur everywhere, doesn’t mean I can’t chow down on your disgusting body anytime I want. I’m sick of waiting around for a full moon! If Mother Nature doesn’t give me what I want, I’ll just take it from her filthy, rotting hands!”

A tired smile formed across Nick’s face as he said, “Thank you, Tofu. Thank you…for giving me Soda as a delicious meal…and for showing everybody here what idiots you werewolves really are. Crescent Moon Party? Give me a fucking break. We’re not scared of you. On the contrary…” The suddenly healthy vampire floated in the air and aligned his feet with the sand to stand upright. “You should be scared of us!”

Tufu looked around in the fiery light and saw that Nick’s vampire friends were surrounding him in a circle. The trench-coat donning creatures of the night licked their lips and bore their fangs. Some of them started touching their own bodies in a sexual manner to signify how hungry for blood they really were. A fat-ass like Tufu would feed them well.

“No…no, no, no! This is ridiculous! I’ve been set up!” shouted the fearful werewolf.

“You’ve been set up alright, Chunky Puff. Let me ask you a question: who’s the real cannibal around here? Creatures of the night, dinner is served!”

In the Corner

VERSE 1

Sitting in the corner with my headphones blasting

How much longer is this party going to be lasting?

How much longer must I sit alone in silence?

How much longer until I can close my eyelids?

I want to burn this fucker to the ground tonight

Run for the highlands until I’m well out of sight

Scream to the moon, the only one who will listen

And not pass judgment for my violent decision

CHORUS

All you partygoers look the same to me

Too busy with your drugs to talk to me

Too busy with your girls, I’m behind borders

So I’ll just go over here and sit in the corner

VERSE 2

The techno music makes my ears bleed buckets

My heavy metal music tells them all to suck it

Why did I come here in the first fucking place?

Was I that desperate for a smile on my face?

Was I so lonely that I needed a quick date?

When it comes to making sense, it’s too late

Getting up and leaving is my favorite option

But I like this corner, got my own party poppin’

CHORUS

All you partygoers look the same to me

Too busy with your drugs to talk to me

Too busy with your girls, I’m behind borders

So I’ll just go over here and sit in the corner

HOOK

It’s not enough, I need more

Being at home is such a bore

A room full of strangers galore

Is what this night has in store

VERSE 3

The cure for fifty of the coldest strangers

Is one friend who will share your danger

Someone to talk to in your darkest hour

Watch your alliance bloom like a flower

Fuck this party; I’ve had all I can stand

My own safe haven is what I demand

Walking home in the pale moon light

Feels good enough to call it a night

CHORUS

All you partygoers look the same to me

Too busy with your drugs to talk to me

Too busy with your girls, I’m behind borders

So I’ll just go over here and sit in the corner