Smells Like a Brewery

“The director will be here really soon, guys, really soon!” said Riley Steel with limited conviction as she stared at her watch. Putting on a red cocktail dress and high heeled sandals for nothing wasn’t her idea of a productive day. She tapped her foot while other crew members and actors milled around waiting for their director to come. The stage was all set. Everyone was ready to go. “Where the hell is he?” And then the repugnant odor of alcohol assaulted her nostrils like a boxing champion’s knockout uppercut. “Oh no,” said Riley while shaking her head in shame.

Fashionably late, Director Devon Rollins came staggering into the studio with a beer bottle in one hand and a whole lot of nothing in the other. This was what his cinematic masterpiece Marble Halls meant to him. This was what he signed a contract for: so that he could show up whenever he wanted to in ridiculously baggy clothes, disheveled brown hair, stubble on his face, and a beer stench that could be whiffed from space.

Devon stood in front of his director’s chair and hummed while battering his lips up and down with his index finger. In the most offensively ableist voice imaginable, he said, “Why’s…everybody…always picking…on…me?” He took a seat in his chair and fell on the back of his neck, much to the shock and horror of everyone on set.

“Good God almighty,” said Riley with shock in her eyes as she watched Devon struggle to get up and reposition his chair.

He got an A for effort, but then stumbled over the chair again and just laid on the floor defeated and dizzy. Throughout all of his drunken posturing, he still managed to keep his beer bottle in his hand. Another A for effort for an acting job that was surely an acquired taste, just like the alcohol that he was smashed on.

Riley’s lips curled with anger as she kicked off her uncomfortable heels and marched over to her drunken director. She kneeled down and grabbed him by his Star Wars T-shirt before shaking and slapping the shit out of him. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?! You smell like a goddamn brewery! We’ve been waiting for you since ten-thirty this morning!”

Burping and slurring his words, Devon said, “I can’t do this anymore, Linda” before dunking his head backwards and falling asleep.

Riley growled before grabbing her director’s greasy hair and slamming his head against the floor once just to wake him up. After Devon yelled to indicate he was awake, his actress tore into him some more. “It’s Riley, not Linda, you idiot! Pull yourself together, for god’s sake!”

“Sure thing, Tina!” said Devon with an obnoxious burp and a thumbs up.

Riley shook her head and watched as actors and crew members filed out of the studio, not wanting any more of Devon’s shit. “Are you happy now?” she asked rhetorically. “Look at them! They’re walking out on you and I should probably do the same thing. The only thing keeping me from doing so is a little something called a contract. You know, that thing you sign which legally binds you to work on Marble Halls. This is your project, Devon! You have to do it professionally! Otherwise, we’re screwed!”

Devon took a few moments to catch his breath, which still reeked worse than a frat boy’s asshole after doing a tampon chug. “Divas…you’re all divas…”

“What are you talking about?”

“Nobody will do what I say, Tiffany. I give them one direction and they tell me no like they’ve got a choice. I’m the director. I call the shots! If I have to be a North Carolina dictator, then so be it!” Devon ended his rant with another burp, this time with liquid bubbling up in his throat.

Riley made a disgusted face. “So that’s why you started drinking? Because nobody will do what they’re told? In case you hadn’t noticed, Marble Halls is a team effort. It’s not just a bunch of people doing what they’re told. We have input. We have feelings. We have reservations. For example…do you remember that day I refused to do a nude scene for you?”

“Yeah…I remember…you’re a diva too, Rebecca. It’s part of the script. If the script says take your clothes off, then you take your clothes off.”

Riley folded her arms. “Yeah, the script does say that. The script, by the way, that you wrote from beginning to end, by yourself, with no criticism from others. If anybody has the power to negotiate with his own actors, it’s you. Besides, why does that script even need a nude scene anyways? How does it advance the story? Are you sure you didn’t just put it in there because you don’t know how internet porn works?”

“…Ouch, Ronda. Very, very ouch…”

“Truth hurts, doesn’t it?”

“No, I actually mean ouch. Get your knee off my gut!”

Riley stood up and backed away just in time to watch Devon spit up a fountain of barf, covering his own face and chest in biological sludge. He breathed heavily after that while his lead actress could only look on in pity. She shook her head. “Go home, Devon. You’re drunk. Nobody wants to be around you right now. Just go home and sleep it off. We’ll pick up again tomorrow and hopefully you’ll be sober by then.”

“But…what about that contract thingamabob? Isn’t the executioner producer going to be pissed?” Another burp erupted from Devon’s mouth as did a wad of bile.

“To be honest, I’ll take my chances with the EXECUTIVE producer. I’m sure he’ll give me a way out of my contract after what you did today. Besides, if anybody is getting blamed for all of this, it’s you, Mr. North Carolina dictator!” She picked up her heels and tried to leave the studio.

“Wait!” mumbled Devon as he clutched his actress’s ankle. “Don’t go! I…I…”

“You what? You want me to convince the cast and crew to come back? You want me to convince the executive producer not to blacklist or sue your ass? Let go of my damn ankle, Harvey Weinstein!”

“No, that’s not what I meant!” Devon coughed and got some acidic spittle on Riley’s bare foot. “I mean…I need someone to drive me home.”

“I’ll call you a taxi.”

“No…I want you to be the one who drives me.”

Riley scoffed. “Yeah, like I’m going to let you stink up my nice Volvo with your beer and vomit breath. You can sleep on the floor for all I care.”

“Wait! Wait, please…I’m not looking for a way home…I want you to take me to Paradise Rehab.”

Riley’s expression softened as she kneeled down beside her director. “You want to check into rehab?”

“I do…I really do…listen to me just for a moment. I know I’m blitzed right now, but I still have something to say.” Devon took a while to catch his rotten breath. “This drinking problem has been going on for a long time now. This is really the first time I came to the set drunk. All the pressure from upper management…all the arguing with the crew members…the deadlines that are impossible to meet…the beer was the only way I could manage my depression.”

“You’ve been depressed this whole time and you didn’t tell any of us?”

“What do you guys care? I’m just another pig who demands nude scenes, which are totally part of the plot, by the way. I don’t give these orders because I want a bunch of brainwashed slaves. I give them because…I want Marble Halls to be the best movie it can possibly be. And when we draw the big money and win the Oscars…I want to share them all with you and the crew. Yes, I know I’m drunk right now…but I mean every word that I say.” There was a teary twinkle in his eye to validate his true feelings.

Riley’s face was etched with pity once again. She wanted to believe these words despite the alcoholic influence. She wanted to believe Devon Rollins had a good side to him. She wanted to believe that his nude scenes were completely necessary. Although she was fighting not to believe those things, she knew that nothing would be accomplished by leaving him on the floor to be sued and fired. Besides, if what he said about depression was true, then he was just as human as the rebellious cast members.

“Come on, Devon. I’m taking you to rehab.” She wrapped his arm around the back of her neck and struggled to lift him to his feet.

“Thank you, Riley. Thank you so much. I won’t let you down….you know, any more than I already have.”

“No problem, Devon. Just do me a favor: don’t barf all over my expensive leather seats.”

Subway Smackdown

The damage to Venice Reyes’ car was sickening: side view mirrors shattered into pebbles, the windshield reduced to snowflakes, the metal twisted and bent, the tires punctured, and the top of the car caved in completely. What other method of transportation was there to get her to her next modeling gig? As she thought of the ultimate answer, her stomach burned with anxiety and her skin welled up with goose bumps. She had to take the subway train. She threw up in her mouth a little bit at the thought of it.

Venice boarded the train wearing a red cocktail dress and black heels, obviously dressing for the job she had. She wasn’t onboard for a few seconds when the stench finally assaulted her nostrils: monstrous body odor, stale food, vomit, urine, and shit. The sexy model contributed to this mess when she doubled over and threw up bile on the already disgusting floor.

The monsters, orcs, ogres, and goblins riding the train with her laughed like hyenas with sore throats. Venice gave them all a frightened smile as she grabbed onto one of the overhead hand railings, struggling to keep herself standing straight. The subway train lurched forward and the model fell right on her ass into the puddle she puked up. The slimy skinned and diaper odor monsters laughed yet again at her plight, this time causing her to shed a few silent tears.

Venice once again grabbed hold of the railing and managed to stay up this time. Her dress was a disaster. How was she supposed to do a convincing photo shoot with her clothes in such horrible condition? She needed the money, smashed car aside. If only she could have caught the bastard who did that to her vehicle. Venice was a lover, not a fighter, but even she would have been capable of reducing a punk ass vandal to blood chunks if given the opportunity. Damn that vandal and damn this subway!

After a few minutes of being lost in her own thoughts, she was accosted by a throaty laugh behind her. She begged whatever god was up there that the monster wasn’t interested in her. She slowly turned around with tears in her eyes and snot in her nose to see a seven foot tall piece of bloody meat named Khan Shou, a famous boxer she had seen on television a few times when there was nothing else on.

Television didn’t do Khan justice. Venice looked like a small child standing next to him. His shark-toothed grin sent chills up her spine. His swollen red body was dripping with green slime. Venice secretly begged for this subway ride to be over, but it was just beginning.

“You must be Venice Reyes. Yeah, you’re definitely her! I’m a big fan of your work!” said Khan as he held out a magazine with her on the cover. The publication was covered in red and green goops as well as goop from a more intimate place. “Will you give me an autograph? I’ll pay you whatever you want: fifty credits, a hundred credits, two-hundred credits, hell, I’ll give you my life savings if you’re willing to do a little more for me!” Khan licked his lipless mouth with a combination of hunger and lust.

The model stared at her monstrous assailant with wide eyes, a quivering body, and a terrified smile as she held up her hands defensively and slowly backed away, obviously giving a no answer. As she backpedaled, she tripped over a homeless orc’s legs, prompting the passengers to laugh at her some more and prompting the orc to yell, “Watch it, bitch!”

Venice gently and apologetically giggled at the orc before standing up and stumbling toward the women’s bathroom, slamming the door and locking it tightly. Compared to the outside of the bathroom, this tiny stall smelled like a botanical garden. Venice used this opportunity to take deep breaths in and out and enjoy the beautiful air. She sat down on the toilet shaking and clutching her knees to her chest, still feeling the trauma of riding this subway.

Khan ripped the door off the bathroom and tossed it aside like it was a piece of paper, not caring who he hit with it. Venice screamed in horror as the seven foot creature said to her, “It’s not exactly the mile-high club. More like the six-feet under club. Either way, I’m a happy guy. Come on, pretty girl, what do you say? Are you ready for some goddamn fun?!”

“Hey, shit head!” yelled the homeless orc from before, who was now sporting a giant lump on his forehead. “Watch where you’re throwing that fucking door! You almost gave me a concussion, asshole!”

“Who are you calling an asshole, you queer?!” yelled Khan as he and the orc were pushing and shoving each other with the subway passengers cheering them on like animals.

Venice had spent most of the time covering her face in fear until she saw an opportunity. While Khan was distracted, the model got on her knees and crawled beneath the monster’s oversized legs. She then stood back up and ran towards the back exit of the subway. As Khan yelled for her to get back to where he was, Venice didn’t care if the subway was still in transit. Her modeling gig was over the minute she boarded this god-awful train.

She continued to run until she jumped through the back window and landed on the train tracks. The subway train left her behind while she was lying on the tracks covered in glass and blood. Venice was slipping in and out of consciousness while crying softly to herself. She may have gotten to safety, but that didn’t mean her troubles were over. She needed money in the most desperate way. She needed to buy a new car, get a new apartment, and get food in her stomach. She was sure to be late to her modeling gig, not that she was in any condition to be there anyways.

After what seemed like centuries of lying on the train tracks, Venice Reyes slowly picked herself off the ground, pieces of subway glass getting imbedded into her once lovely hands and knees. When she stood, she was on wobbly legs. When she walked, she struggled to stay upright.

“You look like you just had the world’s greatest orgy!” said a familiar throaty voice behind her. Venice silently said, “Oh no!” to herself over and over again as she turned around and saw Khan Shou smiling at her from a short distance. The hideous circus freak thudded and thumped on the train tracks as he stalked his sexual prey, licking his lips like he was about to eat a slab of prime rib.

Venice started running down the tunnel despite wearing heels and despite being in bloody pain. In her mind, she was running faster than a cheetah bolting through the African plains. She looked like a bolt of lightning flashing through the sky. She was a blur to the naked eye. She could see the boarding platform and it looked like the gates of heaven with the light shining down upon it. With one mighty leap, she grabbed hold of the edge and attempted to pull herself to safety.

And then she felt the chokingly tight grip of Khan Shou’s monstrous paws clutching her ankle. Venice screamed at her highest pitch, but nobody was around to hear her, not even the transit cops. She pulled her leg as hard as she could, but her diminutive strength was no match for the vice-like grip of the hellacious ring warrior, who whispered at her sexually and clicked his tongue.

So this was what the life of a famous sex icon was like in a dystopian world. Even in a normal world, Venice would have been treated like a sex slave to the public. Was putting her body out there really worth all of this unwanted attention? Of course not, which was why she took off the high heeled shoe on her good leg and jammed the stiletto in Khan’s left eye.

For a guy who was a brutal ring warrior, Khan showed a childlike lack of toughness when he danced around clutching his smashed eyeball. He screamed and bled all over the train tracks before finally removing the hell with brute force and staring a hole through Venice, who was crab-walking her way toward the platform exit.

Khan Shou growled like a grizzly bear when he said, “I’m going to snap off your arms and legs like the Barbie doll you are! I’m going to chew your brains like a giant wad of fucking bubblegum! I’m going to drink your blood like a bottle of Coors Light! I’m going to…” His lovely oratory was interrupted by a speeding subway train that splattered him all over the platform like a rotten tomato. He smelled just as bad as one too.

Venice laid backwards and breathed deep sighs of relief. The subway ride was over, Khan Shou was a dead man, and Venice Reyes was safe from male perversion. The only question now was, what would she do for money now that her modeling gig was a bust? She didn’t dwell on that too much. She instead closed her eyes and drifted off into a haunted sleep. There were other modeling gigs for someone as beautiful as her. Just a few more photo shoots and she could afford to move onto something else. Maybe she could also afford a therapist. 

Alpha Female

As he trekked up the stairs of the apartment building, Bart Kenny stuffed his hands in his leather jacket pockets and replayed those negative messages in his head over and over again. “Women don’t rape men!” “You got raped by a fat chick!” “You just want attention!” “You WISH you were raped by her!” These hurtful slogans came from multiple sources, among them his own friends, his own family members, and even law enforcement. Bart’s eyebrows furrowed and his crooked frown was leaking a little bit of foam. It didn’t make him any safer to be around knowing he had a pistol in his jeans pocket.

In the week that had gone by since this moment, Bart allowed his blond hair to become dirty and disheveled. The stubble on his cheeks and chin as well as the smell of his bad breath gave away the fact that something was wrong with him. The dark circles underneath his eyes suggested that he didn’t sleep or pay attention to his personal hygiene. How could he sleep with the image of that horrible woman on top of him? How could he focus on his job when that sick pudgy-faced smile was haunting his imagination twenty-four hours a day?

Just a few more steps and this was about to be over once and for all. If the police wouldn’t help Bart, maybe he could help himself. Once he got to the apartment of his alleged female rapist, he took a deep breath to try and calm himself down. His blood still ran cold through his veins and his stomach was boiling with anxiety. It didn’t matter how many breaths he took, because no amount of oxygen could prepare him for this. He considered turning and running away, but then reminded himself that his was his only opportunity to make things right.

Bart Kenny cleared his throat and knocked on the apartment door. “Maxine! I know you’re in there! Open the goddamn door!”

“Relax sweetheart, the door’s unlocked. Come on in and take a seat,” said the woman known as Maxine Tiago. Her name was known all throughout Paulson City since she was a high demand plus-size model. Who would ever believe that she was a sexual predator? Bart believed it and that was why he opened the door to confront her.

There she was, all 250 lbs. of Brazilian hot mama laying seductively on her leather sofa watching TV. She dressed for the job she wanted with her black cocktail dress and fluffy pink slippers. Her chocolaty skin, sassy curves, coffee eyes, and curly blue-dyed locks were definitely her moneymakers.

Maxine clicked off the TV with her remote and sat up in her sofa with her legs crossed. “Hello there, Bart. That was quite the party we went to last week. I was beginning to think you weren’t going to call me again.”

“Cut the crap, Maxine, you know why I’m here,” said Bart Kenny, who stepped inside the apartment and slammed the door shut with all of his angry strength. “I certainly didn’t come here for hot sex on a platter. But apparently, you wanted it so badly that you were willing to do…” Bart wiped his eye to suppress his tears. “…those things to me.”

“Honey Bear, I know the accusations you’ve leveled against me. I’m truly sorry that nobody believes you. You’ve probably heard the women don’t rape men spiel hundreds of times. Well guess what, sweetheart: it’s true. Look at me. Just take one good look at me. Do I look like the kind of woman who needs to rape men? I’m a model, for Christ’s sake,” said Maxine, who waved her hands over her body to show off her good looks and to further her debating strategy.

Bart couldn’t suppress his tears any longer. No matter how many times he wiped his eyes with his jacket sleeve, they wouldn’t stop coming. He soldiered on anyways. “That’s all I’ve ever heard for one whole week. Women don’t rape men, women don’t rape men! Whatever happened to never blaming the victim? Whatever happened to rape isn’t defined by who the people involved are? Did we suddenly forget that shit a long time ago? For fuck’s sake, when did rape become normal?!”

Maxine stood up defensively and snapped, “I don’t know, Bart, you tell me! Or better yet, maybe you should ask that question to someone who actually has the time to fritter and waste away with you! You know what I should do right now? I should sue you for slander! I could use a cool million dollars right now! Maybe I can move out of this apartment and get me a mansion or some shit like that!”

“So that’s what this is about? You’re strapped for cash, so you rape me and file a lawsuit against me for complaining? How sick do you have to be to do something like that?” The shaky voice was replaced with a fiery tone when Bart said, “What kind of sick disgusting piece of shit are you?!”

“Alright, that’s it!” Maxine reached under her sofa cushion and brandished a machete that she supposedly kept for security purposes as opposed to a gun. She waved the blade in the air and shouted, “I’ve had just about all I can take of this bullshit! Either you get out of my apartment or I’ll stick this fucking blade right through your chest! And don’t worry about me going to jail over it, because if the cops didn’t believe you then, they’re not going to believe you now!”

Bart Kenny didn’t want this confrontation to come to this, but Maxine Tiago forced his hand and it was time for business. He pulled the gun out of his pocket and clicked it to get it ready to fire at any moment. With nine millimeters of steel pointed at her, the hefty lady slowly put down her machete and raised her hands to the sky.

Despite the change of events, Maxine’s brows remained furrowed and her angry voice was still blasting like a bazooka. “Okay, tough guy! Go ahead! Shoot me! I’ll be a hero in the eyes of the public while you’re just another con man! The entire city will be at my funeral while you’re just going to burn to ashes without a second thought! Shoot me, you son of a bitch! Shoot me!”

Bart’s scratchy and low voice gave away no signs of intimidation. He had the gun, therefore he had the power. “Before I put a bullet in that oversized watermelon head of yours, I just have one thing to ask you. Be honest with me. When you put that Xanax and Viagra in my drink, did you really think I was going to forget everything? You can deny it all you want, Maxine. But I know what you did. The whole world knows what you did. They won’t do anything about it because of your celebrity status. If you were just an average woman, you’d be in prison right now. Go ahead, deny it. You’re well-guarded and that’s why you’re free. Rich assholes never go to jail. That’s the law of the land.”

The seductive and charming smile returned to Maxine’s face and was accompanied by a giggle or two. “Okay, Bart, you got me red-handed. Now I have a question to ask of you, my dear. Was your first time with me everything you wanted it to be? Did you have wet dreams the next night? Put the gun down and let’s talk some more. Let’s talk about how awesome you would look in a red rubber ball gag.”

“I’d love nothing more than to pop you in the head right now. There’s just one problem…” Bart trudged over to Maxine’s stereo and waved his gun around it. As he did, the sounds of radio feedback and interference filled the apartment.

Maxine’s eyes widened when she said, “What the hell…?”

Her worst fears were confirmed when Bart put the “gun” to his face, clicked it, and said, “You can come on up now. I got her confession.” Bart Kenny hadn’t smiled in over a week, but in this moment, he finally did when he said, “Word of advice, you psycho bitch: don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. You’ll lose!”

Three black uniformed police officers entered the apartment with zip ties and proceeded to lash the supermodel’s arms behind her back. One of them said, “Maxine Tiago? You’re being placed under arrest for the sexual assault of Bartholomew Kenny.”

Maxine’s eyes bulged out in shock as she left out a few soft “No’s” before unleashing a loud storm of them while being dragged away by the cops. One of the cops stayed behind and patted Bart on the shoulder while saying, “Nice work, kid. This plan couldn’t have worked out any better.”

As Maxine was being dragged down the hall, she yelled a firestorm of obscenities at Bart, who was standing in the doorway sarcastically waving goodbye at her. The model screamed, “I will kill you!” and Bart responded with, “You’re gonna have to!”

The cop from earlier patted him on the back and said, “Easy there, tiger. You’ll have all the time in the world to rage when you see your therapy bill.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” said Bart.