New Orleans Vacation

***NEW ORLEANS VACATION***

From Sunday May 14^th to Thursday May 18^th, I’m going on yet another vacation, this time to New Orleans with my parents and my mom’s two friends Mina and Navin. This will be my second time visiting the city with my first time being in 2011. I always joke to my mom that she’ll get to meet Duane Pride from NCIS: New Orleans and have pumpkin pie with him. It really is a fun and lively city with lots to do. The food is next-level delicious no matter what you’re eating, the necromantic culture is jam-packed with creative fuel, and the swamps are thriving with fascinating creatures. I’ll try to take some pictures and post them to my social media accounts. Unlike the Mexican cruise, I won’t be surrounded by water, so my camera will stay safe and dry.

Just like with any vacation I take, this means limited access to the internet. However, it’s slightly less limited since there’s a good chance I’ll have my laptop fixed before we leave for the airport. That doesn’t mean I’m going to be cranking out Demon Axe chapters, raunchy poetry, and two-sentence horror stories like crazy. On the contrary, this is a vacation and vacations are meant for relaxing, not work. If all goes right with the laptop repair, then I’ll be able to vote in the proceeding WSS contest. As far as entering something, since I’m leaving this Sunday, I’ll have to hit the ground running if I want to get that epilogue from Demon Axe in on time. It can be done, however. Epilogues are so easy to write that I can do it standing on my fucking head.

This is a shorter vacation than what I’m normally used to, so you won’t have to do without me for that long. I’ll always come back to snuggle with my own kitties and sleep in my own bed. Vacations are fun, but coming home is always heavenly. I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you soon!

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I’m getting really sick of guys named Todd! It’s a goofy fucking name! “Hi, what’s your name?” “Tooooooodd! I’m Todd! And this is Blake and Blair and Blaine and Brent.” Where are all of these goofy fucking boy’s names coming from? Taylor, Tyler, Jordan, Flynn. These are not real names! You want to hear a real man’s name? Eddy. What happened to Eddy? He was here a minute ago. Joey and Jacky and Johnny and Phil. Bobby and Tommy and Danny and Bill. What happened, Toooooooodd?! And Cody and Dylan and Cameron and Tucker. Fuck Tucker! Tucker sucks! And fuck Tucker’s friend Kyle! There’s another soft boy’s name for you! Soft names make soft people! I’ll bet you anything that ten times out of ten, Nicky, Vinny, and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle, and Tucker!”

-George Carlin-

Warrior Names

***WARRIOR NAMES***

We’ve seen a lot of fantasy warriors come and go throughout our creative fuel intake. They tend to have last names like Overspark, Dreadlord, and Pusdrinker. Yes, that last one is a real enemy from Diablo II: Lord of Destruction; I shit you not. In all my time of writing fantasy and sci-fi stories, I’ve pretty much just passively accepted the fact that warriors have two-word last names that describe how badass they really are. That’s where I got characters like Deus Shadowheart, Butch Hellfire, and Machu Throatslash to name a few.

However, the more I started collaborating with Marie Krepps to fix my short stories, the more I realized that such two-word last names sound a little too…obvious. And to her credit, Marie has a point here. After all, when you eventually meet Machu Throatslash’s parents, what do your refer to them as? Mr. and Mrs. Throatslash? That’ll make for some fun conversations. Suppose Machu wanted to take a cute girl to the prom with him and then the two decide to marry. Would the girl be legally obligated to call herself Mrs. Throatslash? That’ll look good on her credit card application: Julia Samantha Throatslash. She doesn’t actually want to make any purchases with it; she just wants to run the sharp edge across someone’s neck and bleed them out.

Ever since hearing the other side of the warrior name argument, I’m kind of on the fence now with what I believe. A part of me doesn’t want to let go of my fantasy and sci-fi traditions. I want to have badass warriors whose names strike fear in the hearts of their opponents. But then again, if they really are badass warriors, do they need to have overpowered names? Couldn’t they just get the job done by breathing fire on their opponents or chopping their heads off with a magical battleaxe?

I have to confess that Marie’s critique was the inspiration behind the John Bush character from “Kill, Cut, Scalp”. The whole reason that hero took the name John Bush was so that the evil sorcerer Dark-Law wouldn’t suspect him of being a fire breathing death angel, which he eventually transformed into to get his assassination job done. It’s easy to trust a guy name John Bush (even if he is a death angel), but if his name was Konnor Dragonslash, then the ruse would have been all for naught and Dark-Law would have killed him off right then and there.

George Carlin did an entire comedy routine about the power names have to influence history. There would have never been a World War II if Hitler’s first name was Floyd. They would have beaten the shit out of him in Munich in 1931! And nobody would have been fearful of Jack the Ripper if his first name was Wally. And Billy the Kid? Do you think anyone would take him seriously if his name was Billy the Schmuck?

I guess the lesson to be learned with giving your characters overpowered names is to judge how seriously you want the warriors to be taken by their enemies. Helpless civilians would bow at the metal boots of Konnor Dragonslash or Viktor Fireborn, but they’d laugh John Bush or George Kerry out of the building. Maybe you want your characters to be as intimidating as possible. Or your philosophy could be based on a rhyme that fellow indie author Edward Davies once bestowed upon me: “Convince your enemies that you’re benign and you will beat them every time.” Choose your fate, noble warriors, and bring back a severed demon head. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

　

***BACK TO RANDOM SELECTION***

In an effort to jumpstart my creative life again, I’ve gone back to the idea of randomly selecting my next artistic task. I did this back in the summertime with plenty of success. I’m doing it now with even more success. There are currently six items on my list to choose from:

　

1. American Darkness: put together the paperback and Kindle versions of this newly revised anthology.

2. Dark Fantasy Warriors: draw a picture of the next randomly selected short story character on my list, which this time happens to be the fourth and final character from “Guns, Drugs, and Misogyny”, Edgar Rinehart, elf mercenary.

3. The Girlfriend Wager: read 30 pages of this self-published raunchy sex comedy by Edward Davies.

4. Poison Tongue Tales: edit the next randomly chosen short story from this sci-fi, horror, and fantasy anthology. If you’ve been to your Deviant Art inboxes lately, you would have seen a revision of Bee Jay the Glutinous. Marie really wants to eat macaroni and cheese with a talking orange kitty now. ^_^

5. The Silence of the Lambs: read 30 pages of this traditionally published serial killer mystery by Thomas Harris.

6. Weekly Short Story Contests and Company: catch up on the reading of this week’s “Broken Windows” short stories (which I’ve already done) and contribute a story before the week is over (which is also something I’ve already done).

　

There is one item that should be on this list, but isn’t, and that’s Blood Brawl. Blood Brawl is supposed to be my main novel WIP, but ever since making it to chapter three, I’ve hit a roadblock. The entirety of this chapter is supposed to be Ivan Blackstone chasing Justine Dupree down the street while swinging a scythe in the air. How the hell am I supposed to stretch out a chase scene for that long and keep it from getting dull? I have no choreography, damn it! I’ll figure something out come hell or high water. But for now, Blood Brawl is off the menu.

　

***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

WYNARSKI: I went into the video store one time and that son of a bitch was sleeping.
DANTE: I’m sure Randal wasn’t sleeping.
WYNARSKI: Are you calling me a liar?! Are you calling me a liar?!
DANTE: No, I’m saying maybe he was resting his eyes or something like that.
WYNARSKI: What the hell is that, resting his eyes? What is he, an air traffic controller?
DANTE: Actually, that’s his night job.

-Clerks-

Names I Will Never Use

We all have to encounter people we absolutely have a deep hatred for at some point in our lives. Like Times New Roman, you know the type. They torment you over a long period of time to the point where their name is a curse word. I have a few names that are like that for me and therefore, when I do my writing, I won’t use them when I’m introducing characters to my stories. Who knows? I may use those names for Complete Monster villains that are going to get their comeuppance eventually in my story, but it’s highly unlikely. Until somebody somewhere makes the name “cool” again, the name will go completely ignored in my stories. For instance, I used to have an aversion to the name Aaron because I got beat up in high school by a kid with that name. But when I started watching MMA and I started hearing about people named Aaron Simpson, Aaron Rosa, and Aaron Riley, the name was cool again and I started using it more often. I have characters named Aaron Jackson “AJ” Rollins and Aaron Edge, the former being a psychotic mercenary and the latter being a dark comedian. I also used to have an aversion to the name Cody because in middle school I had an aggressive bully with that name. Ever since purchasing a copy of Final Fight for the Super Nintendo and playing as a boxer named Cody, the name stopped being forbidden. You see where I’m going with this? If the name becomes used in a positive way, then I won’t have an aversion to it and I’ll use it for my characters. The most noteworthy character for Cody is a female MMA fighter who has an I at the end of her name instead of a Y. Her last name is Oliveira, by the way, and she’s a Brazilian Jiu-Jitzu ace. But then there are some names out there that have no redemption value whatsoever, mainly because nobody names their children that anymore. The most prominent example of a name that will never be cool to me is Art. I had a step-father named Art who was verbally abusive to me and my mom, so that hits close to home. I know there are people out there with the name Art that I can like. I like Art Evans (the crazy old man from the third story of Tales From the Hood), Art Wicks (an English teacher I had in college), and Art Dent (the main character from The Hitchhiker’s Guide To the Galaxy, which is on this blog). Despite three perfectly cool people with the name Art, the name Art itself isn’t very pleasant sounding. If I ever use it in my stories, it’ll be as a last name such as Arthur or McArthur. The second and final example of a name beyond redemption is Cindy. I had a senior social studies teacher named Cindy who like Art was verbally abusive. As of today, nobody in my current life has made the name Cindy cool. I guess I should cite Cyndi Lauper as an example of someone who did, but her music sucks, so no. The only time I’ve ever used the name Cindy in a story was for someone who was a bitchy girlfriend to a comedian named Marcus Edge (Aaron Edge’s brother). As of today, the only two names that have no redemption value to me are Art and Cindy. I’ve had a lot of people express hatred toward me, but their names were made cool again, so I don’t worry about that anymore. In the words of Mike “The Streets” Skinner, do you understand or do you need an interpreter?

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Did you hear the one about me giving a shit? ‘Cause if I ever did, I don’t remember it!”

-Five Finger Death Punch singing “Under and Over It”-

Character Names

If you’re a writer and you need to pick a name for your character, what kind of impression do you want to leave? Do you want to go for ethnic flavor? How about unbridled badassery? Or maybe you’ll choose the silly-willy route. Either way, tread carefully when choosing a name. I honestly believe there aren’t very many Chinese people named Sean McDonald and not many Irish people named Ryo Zhang. There also isn’t a huge line of barbarians named Sam Winkle or Floyd Phillips. What about accountants named Scorn Flesheater or Markus Bullhammer? If you’re going to choose a name for your character, make sure it sends the right message. That’s all I’m asking. Take the book “Fifty Shades of Grey” for instance. The lead characters are named Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele. The author, EL James, took a lot of flak for choosing these stereotypically sexy names. What else was she supposed to do? Would you rather their names be Arthur Klutz and Blanche Toodles? I don’t care how many blowjob scenes there are in the book, nobody will jerk off to them if those are the names of the characters. Same thing goes with the names Bella Swan, Edward Cullen, and Jacob Black. As much as I hate to admit it, those are actually reasonably good names for characters of that genre. If their respective names were Vivian Sinkhole, Lloyd Walters, and Daniel the Daffodil, Stephanie Meyer wouldn’t be worth a food stamp card, let alone millions of dollars. And what about Conan the Barbarian? Suppose his name was Wally the Barbarian. He would have gotten his ass kicked long before he had the chance to become a hero. In fact, he might have been aborted with a jagged dagger covered in snake poison. Names tell you a lot about the character, so choose wisely. I made this mistake back in 2009 when I had my second run at Lulu.com, this time under the name Ryu Bashir. I am neither Japanese nor Arab, so like Superman with kryptonite up his ass, that’s not going to fly. Though if I was that serious about maintaining my privacy, it would have thrown a lot of people off my trail. If you want to save yourself some heartache and belittlement from your critics, pick a name for your character that’s actually relevant to the time period he’s in, his ethnicity, his age, and his general likeability. Got it? Good. Thanks for listening.

　

***MIXED-MARTIAL ARTS JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What’s it called when a UFC bantamweight does a solid for another fighter?
A: Urijah Favor.