Names I Will Never Use

We all have to encounter people we absolutely have a deep hatred for at some point in our lives. Like Times New Roman, you know the type. They torment you over a long period of time to the point where their name is a curse word. I have a few names that are like that for me and therefore, when I do my writing, I won’t use them when I’m introducing characters to my stories. Who knows? I may use those names for Complete Monster villains that are going to get their comeuppance eventually in my story, but it’s highly unlikely. Until somebody somewhere makes the name “cool” again, the name will go completely ignored in my stories. For instance, I used to have an aversion to the name Aaron because I got beat up in high school by a kid with that name. But when I started watching MMA and I started hearing about people named Aaron Simpson, Aaron Rosa, and Aaron Riley, the name was cool again and I started using it more often. I have characters named Aaron Jackson “AJ” Rollins and Aaron Edge, the former being a psychotic mercenary and the latter being a dark comedian. I also used to have an aversion to the name Cody because in middle school I had an aggressive bully with that name. Ever since purchasing a copy of Final Fight for the Super Nintendo and playing as a boxer named Cody, the name stopped being forbidden. You see where I’m going with this? If the name becomes used in a positive way, then I won’t have an aversion to it and I’ll use it for my characters. The most noteworthy character for Cody is a female MMA fighter who has an I at the end of her name instead of a Y. Her last name is Oliveira, by the way, and she’s a Brazilian Jiu-Jitzu ace. But then there are some names out there that have no redemption value whatsoever, mainly because nobody names their children that anymore. The most prominent example of a name that will never be cool to me is Art. I had a step-father named Art who was verbally abusive to me and my mom, so that hits close to home. I know there are people out there with the name Art that I can like. I like Art Evans (the crazy old man from the third story of Tales From the Hood), Art Wicks (an English teacher I had in college), and Art Dent (the main character from The Hitchhiker’s Guide To the Galaxy, which is on this blog). Despite three perfectly cool people with the name Art, the name Art itself isn’t very pleasant sounding. If I ever use it in my stories, it’ll be as a last name such as Arthur or McArthur. The second and final example of a name beyond redemption is Cindy. I had a senior social studies teacher named Cindy who like Art was verbally abusive. As of today, nobody in my current life has made the name Cindy cool. I guess I should cite Cyndi Lauper as an example of someone who did, but her music sucks, so no. The only time I’ve ever used the name Cindy in a story was for someone who was a bitchy girlfriend to a comedian named Marcus Edge (Aaron Edge’s brother). As of today, the only two names that have no redemption value to me are Art and Cindy. I’ve had a lot of people express hatred toward me, but their names were made cool again, so I don’t worry about that anymore. In the words of Mike “The Streets” Skinner, do you understand or do you need an interpreter?

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Did you hear the one about me giving a shit? ‘Cause if I ever did, I don’t remember it!”

-Five Finger Death Punch singing “Under and Over It”-

"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" by Douglas Adams

If there’s one way to describe the humor in “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”, it would be controlled randomness. In other words, Douglas Adams is rolling the dice most of the time, but those dice are loaded. If you seem confused after the first page of the book, don’t be. Being confused and oblivious to the galaxy is Arthur Dent’s job, for he is the main character of the story. His day begins with him trying to prevent a bulldozer from flattening his London home. Seems like a perfectly normal way to start the morning, wouldn’t you agree? If that wasn’t bizarre enough, he now has to be rescued by an alien disguised as a human actor named Ford Prefect before the world is obliterated by a nasty race of deep space creatures with violent tendencies. By this time, Arthur Dent is scratching his head so much that he can feel his brain with every poke. Add to this ragtag group of characters an alien politician with multiple limbs, his super hot girlfriend, and an ultra-depressed and pessimistic robot and you’ve got a recipe for craziness that even an entire roster of asylum patients couldn’t come up with on their best day. The controlled randomness comes out in full swing with a ship device known as the Improbability Drive, a weapon which literally makes the impossible possible. Does it seem highly likely to you that two nuclear warheads will suddenly transform into a whale and a bowl of flowers? Neither did anybody else before the Improbability Drive worked its magic. It had to have been magic. If by this point in the story you’re scratching your head as much as Arthur Dent, Douglas Adams has already done his job. His writing style will run circles around you until you’re dizzier than a vertigo patient on a rollercoaster. But at the same time, you’ll be giggling so much that your ribs will ache worse than getting a body punch from Mike Tyson. The chances of you having a frown by the time this lightning fast read is over are so low that it would take an Improbability Drive to make it happen. But before you can thank Douglas Adams for giving you a reason to flush your Lexapro down the toilet, make sure you actually know where his grave is. That’s right. Even though he was in his elder years, he passed way too soon. Rest in peace, buddy. And thank you for the giggly stories.

　

***JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What’s the difference between a teenager’s dialogue and his Face Book page?
A: About 50,000 likes.