Constance Cable

For some reason, it always seems like every MMA referee character I create is a powerful woman. Maybe that’s because women are a minority in MMA and they get picked on a lot by guys who always seem to have a craving for sandwiches. Dudes, listen: if you want a sandwich, go to Subway. If you want someone to save you from a beating in the middle of an MMA fight, look no further than Constance Cable. You can call her Miss Cable. You can even call her Connie. But whatever you do, don’t fucking call her Constance the Cable Girl. She has virtually no interest in hooking you up with over 500 channels, 100 of which are religious stations, 200 of which are music stations, and the other 200 are channels nobody gives a shit about. She’s also not a redneck comedian who picks on minorities. Like Devon Spirit Wolf, Constance Cable also holds very strong liberal beliefs. But unlike Miss Spirit Wolf, Constance expresses her beliefs in a mature and professional way. Preferably, a way that doesn’t get her into trouble with whatever athletic commission she happens to be working for. Imagine that: MMA aficionados can actually talk peacefully among themselves. In fact, when Herb Dean stopped Urijah Faber’s fight with Renan Barao, Constance came out in support of Mr. Dean, saying that holding onto someone’s leg and holding a thumbs up weren’t necessarily the best way to defend yourself. By the way, Constance Cable isn’t a real person in case you haven’t figured that out already. She’s a character of mine who’s seeking employment in one of my stories. I’ve managed to squeeze Devon Spirit Wolf into one of my short stories, so there has to be room for Miss Cable somewhere else. Maybe she doesn’t have to be an active referee. That would open up a lot of possibilities for her character. Whether she’s stopping a fight or relaxing in a bathtub with a novel, it’s her wisdom that will see her through any narrative. She’s going to need all the wisdom in the world, because let’s face it, Constance Cable is not a perfect referee. She’s going to have people mad at her for the calls she’s made. Suppose Constance is in her hot tub reading a book and all of the sudden an angry assassin creeps up on her property and attempts to silence her once and for all. That could be the start of a thrilling read. In fact, it sounds a lot like the preface to a CJ Box work (without all the Ayn Rand references, of course). Constance has to do something when that blade reaches her throat. How about an arm bar? Or a leg bar? Or just a good old fashioned elbow to the ribs. This premise would work better if Constance knew how to fight. All this talk about plotting gave me an idea for a short story. Thanks, stream of consciousness!

　

***CONCERT QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I like sausages! That’s Romanticide!”

-Marco Hietala from Nightwish-

Character Names

If you’re a writer and you need to pick a name for your character, what kind of impression do you want to leave? Do you want to go for ethnic flavor? How about unbridled badassery? Or maybe you’ll choose the silly-willy route. Either way, tread carefully when choosing a name. I honestly believe there aren’t very many Chinese people named Sean McDonald and not many Irish people named Ryo Zhang. There also isn’t a huge line of barbarians named Sam Winkle or Floyd Phillips. What about accountants named Scorn Flesheater or Markus Bullhammer? If you’re going to choose a name for your character, make sure it sends the right message. That’s all I’m asking. Take the book “Fifty Shades of Grey” for instance. The lead characters are named Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele. The author, EL James, took a lot of flak for choosing these stereotypically sexy names. What else was she supposed to do? Would you rather their names be Arthur Klutz and Blanche Toodles? I don’t care how many blowjob scenes there are in the book, nobody will jerk off to them if those are the names of the characters. Same thing goes with the names Bella Swan, Edward Cullen, and Jacob Black. As much as I hate to admit it, those are actually reasonably good names for characters of that genre. If their respective names were Vivian Sinkhole, Lloyd Walters, and Daniel the Daffodil, Stephanie Meyer wouldn’t be worth a food stamp card, let alone millions of dollars. And what about Conan the Barbarian? Suppose his name was Wally the Barbarian. He would have gotten his ass kicked long before he had the chance to become a hero. In fact, he might have been aborted with a jagged dagger covered in snake poison. Names tell you a lot about the character, so choose wisely. I made this mistake back in 2009 when I had my second run at Lulu.com, this time under the name Ryu Bashir. I am neither Japanese nor Arab, so like Superman with kryptonite up his ass, that’s not going to fly. Though if I was that serious about maintaining my privacy, it would have thrown a lot of people off my trail. If you want to save yourself some heartache and belittlement from your critics, pick a name for your character that’s actually relevant to the time period he’s in, his ethnicity, his age, and his general likeability. Got it? Good. Thanks for listening.

　

***MIXED-MARTIAL ARTS JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What’s it called when a UFC bantamweight does a solid for another fighter?
A: Urijah Favor.