Character Names

If you’re a writer and you need to pick a name for your character, what kind of impression do you want to leave? Do you want to go for ethnic flavor? How about unbridled badassery? Or maybe you’ll choose the silly-willy route. Either way, tread carefully when choosing a name. I honestly believe there aren’t very many Chinese people named Sean McDonald and not many Irish people named Ryo Zhang. There also isn’t a huge line of barbarians named Sam Winkle or Floyd Phillips. What about accountants named Scorn Flesheater or Markus Bullhammer? If you’re going to choose a name for your character, make sure it sends the right message. That’s all I’m asking. Take the book “Fifty Shades of Grey” for instance. The lead characters are named Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele. The author, EL James, took a lot of flak for choosing these stereotypically sexy names. What else was she supposed to do? Would you rather their names be Arthur Klutz and Blanche Toodles? I don’t care how many blowjob scenes there are in the book, nobody will jerk off to them if those are the names of the characters. Same thing goes with the names Bella Swan, Edward Cullen, and Jacob Black. As much as I hate to admit it, those are actually reasonably good names for characters of that genre. If their respective names were Vivian Sinkhole, Lloyd Walters, and Daniel the Daffodil, Stephanie Meyer wouldn’t be worth a food stamp card, let alone millions of dollars. And what about Conan the Barbarian? Suppose his name was Wally the Barbarian. He would have gotten his ass kicked long before he had the chance to become a hero. In fact, he might have been aborted with a jagged dagger covered in snake poison. Names tell you a lot about the character, so choose wisely. I made this mistake back in 2009 when I had my second run at Lulu.com, this time under the name Ryu Bashir. I am neither Japanese nor Arab, so like Superman with kryptonite up his ass, that’s not going to fly. Though if I was that serious about maintaining my privacy, it would have thrown a lot of people off my trail. If you want to save yourself some heartache and belittlement from your critics, pick a name for your character that’s actually relevant to the time period he’s in, his ethnicity, his age, and his general likeability. Got it? Good. Thanks for listening.

　

***MIXED-MARTIAL ARTS JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What’s it called when a UFC bantamweight does a solid for another fighter?
A: Urijah Favor.

"Fifty Shades of Grey" by EL James

“Fifty Shades of Grey” has gotten a shit ton of criticism since publication. Some of it is legitimate, but most of it is just enforcing the stigma of it being based off of a piece of “Twilight” fan fiction. Personally, I don’t care where the idea for this book came from. If you read it, no matter what gender you are, the room you’re reading it in will become a hot, steamy sauna. If you’re already reading it in a sauna, don’t worry, you’ll still be able to tell the difference. If you’re a man, your peter will stand up and flop against your belly button. If you’re a woman, you’ll get so wet that you’ll have to wear a diaper just to read this book. When it comes to erotic fiction, isn’t that really all that matters? Are you really that turned off about Anastasia Steele having an “inner goddess” and a smart-assed subconscious? And does it really bother you that the characters’ names are designed to be sexy? Imagine if Anastasia’s name was Blanche Hertz. What kind of stigma does that ugly name apply to? An old woman? A woman with razor-sharp teeth? A woman with a guttural voice? The reason Anastasia Steele was given her name was because names always carry a certain amount of emotional baggage. With that name, you get the impression that she’s a romantic princess instead of a furry monster. What about the name Christian Grey? Suppose Anastasia’s corporate dominant boyfriend was named Christian Lipchitz. Anastasia wouldn’t have even entered his office building in the first place. Even if she did, her first interview question would have been, “If your Lipchitz, what does your ass do?” And then Christian would have spanked her with a barbed wire bat instead of his hand. The point I’m trying to make is that you shouldn’t turn down this book just because of a few minor flaws. As an erotic author, EL James has one goal: to keep a surplus of lotion and tissue around your house. And guess what? She accomplishes that goal with flying colors. Granted, she does so with the theme of a bondage fetish, but it’s still a hot and steamy book regardless of your sexual appetites. Pick it up and try it. You might be surprised!

　

***LITERARY QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“My cheeks are now the color of The Communist Manifesto.”

-Anastasia Steele from “Fifty Shades of Grey”-