Dangerous Authors

***DANGEROUS AUTHORS***

It’s not often that I express an unpopular opinion (unpopular among who?). If anybody wants to challenge the opinion I’m about to express in this blog entry, please remember to keep it civil. Turning it up to eleven will do neither of us any good; we’ve got enough of that shit as it is. Today I want to talk about “dangerous” authors. Specifically, I’d like to discuss what makes an author dangerous and why the label shouldn’t be tossed around so haphazardly. Let’s begin…

To my way of thinking, if you’re an author and your writing is so offensive that it causes violence or other kinds of mistreatment, congratulations, you’re dangerous as fuck. This seems to be the accepted definition among Book Tubers and the literature community in general. Having said that, there are degrees of this behavior and only the highest among them deserves true recognition as dangerous.

If you incite violence with your nonfiction hate speech and someone actually commits murder on your behalf, you’re partly to blame for that and congratulations, you’re dangerous. But if you’re a fiction writer who puts together a bad romantic storyline with mediocre characters and questionable morals, congratulations, you’re a shitty writer, but you’re not dangerous. Nobody died because of your shitty characters because the audience was too busy questioning why your book was popular to begin with.

It’s not enough just to read the stories and consume them. You also have to question them. Adults like to give teenagers a hard time for not questioning what they consume and sometimes they’re right, but not all the time. You can teach a kid to think critically. You can teach them to analyze characterization, plot points, and themes. And when they pick up on these lessons, they’ll look at Fifty Shades of Grey and shrug their shoulders in a “meh” kind of way. That’s right, folks. E.L. James, as terrible as she is, does not qualify as a dangerous author, because most readers can see right through her.

But what about those who don’t analyze someone like E.L. James? It’s not just limited to teenagers, either. There are adults who swear by Fifty Shades of Grey. Adults! But is it really all the fault of a crappy author who probably didn’t know what the fuck she was doing? Sure, accidents do happen and sometimes they’re catastrophic. But is she dangerous? Far from it.

This could be compared to the idea that videogames make teenagers violent. Spoiler alert: they don’t. Kids don’t shoot up schools because they saw it happen in Halo. If they really were being influenced by it, they’d teabag all of their kills and yell, “Ownage!” So if videogames can’t turn kids into monsters, why would a book be able to? What makes a fictional book more dangerous than a videogame if both can be easily questioned? Is it because authors are geniuses and videogame developers are dumb-asses? Artists in general are held in low regard by the public (cough, STEM lords, cough), so let’s put that shit to bed once and for all.

Personally, I believe a real world politician or televangelist is more dangerous to the public than a crappy author who writes mediocre love stories. As we’ve seen with the 2016 US presidential elections, abrasive nonfiction language plays a huge rule in influencing violent behavior. Nazis marching in the streets hold more power over the fearful than pre-teens who bite each other on the neck because they read Twilight. Stephanie Meyer is yet another author who probably didn’t know what the fuck she was doing.

But if you’re really worried about dangerous fictional romances permeating the marketplace, well, that’s what we have beta readers, sensitivity readers, and editors for. As long as these secondary readers don’t judge the author too harshly for unintentional offensiveness, this can truly be a productive conversation. And when productive conversations happen between authors and their betas, then more enjoyable books will be pumped out into the world. If it takes you multiple drafts to get it right (including the sensitive details), then you’ve pretty much described the life of an author. Once a book is published, however, the author is fresh out of excuses. But is he dangerous? Nope. Not in the least.

Again, these are just my opinions and you’re allowed to have a different one if you want. You probably think I’m a scumbag for giving authors like E.L. James and Stephanie Meyer a free pass and that’s okay. Maybe I’m expressing my unpopular opinion because I empathize with authors who have been piled on by the internet crowds. It’s happened to me a few times and I know how awful that makes me feel, so I try to be gentler on crappy fictional authors. If someone thought my novella Occupy Wrestling was too toxic because of the tumultuous relationship between Mitch and Debra, I’d want someone to be gentle with me as well.

But I digress. I turn the floor over to you guys now. What’s your definition of a dangerous author? Do you agree or disagree with the points I’ve made and why? Remember, winning debates isn’t about being the most outlandish. It’s about knowing why you feel the way you do and expressing your reasons in a productive way. Let’s not cancel each other over this hot topic. Let’s come together for a warm cup of tea on this cold autumn evening. I’m Garrison Kelly! Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Muskrat, muskrat. Candlelight. Doing the town and doing it right. In the evening, it’s pretty pleasing. Muskrat Susie, Muskrat Sam do the jitterbug out in muskrat land. And they shimmy. And Sammy’s so skinny. And they whirled and they twirled and they tangoed. Singing and jingling the jango. Floating like the heavens above. It looks like muskrat love. Nibbling on bacon, chewing on cheese. Sammy says to Susie, “Honey would you please be my missus?” And she says yes with her kisses. Now he’s tickling her fancy, rubbing her toes. Muzzle to muzzle, now anything goes. As they wiggle, Sue starts to giggle.”

-America singing “Muskrat Love”-

***POST-SCRIPT***

Hey, if you’re sick of mediocre romances, try listening to the song listed above for a healthy and relatable one!

"Fifty Shames of Earl Grey" by Fanny Merkin

BOOK TITLE: Fifty Shames of Earl Grey

AUTHOR: Andrew Shaffer (writing as Fanny Merkin)

YEAR: 2012

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Erotica Parody

GRADE: Pass

In a blatant satire of EL James’s Fifty Shades trilogy, clueless college student and Wal-Mart employee Anna Steal takes on her roommate’s journalism assignment and interviews Earl Grey, a seductive billionaire with odd sexual appetites. The two of them get romantically involved when Earl stalks Anna everywhere she goes and convinces her to join in on his shameful endeavors. He is particularly fond of BDSM (Bards, Dragons, Sorcery, and Magick), a role-playing game for the bedroom. Can Anna accept Earl for who he is and…okay, that’s enough. This is some ridiculous stuff right here.

Anybody who had the misfortune of reading the Fifty Shades books can appreciate how accurate of a parody this is. Instead of biting her lips, Anna Steal picks her nose. Instead of just ropes and duct tape, Earl Grey also buys a hacksaw from Wal-Mart, which makes Anna believe he’s the second coming of Dexter. The awful descriptions from the original are exaggerated to the extreme in this parody. Hell, instead of an “inner goddess”, Anna has an “inner guidette”, which was no doubt taken from her roommate’s binge watching of corny reality shows like The Jersey Shore. Everything, and I do mean everything, about this book is so out of whack that it’ll make you laugh from page to page. If Weird Al Yankovich wrote erotica, it would be in the form of Fifty Shames of Earl Grey.

Speaking of ridiculousness, it’s common knowledge by now that Fifty Shades of Grey is Twilight fan fiction. The author hammed up those Twilight references all throughout the book. Earl Grey is the perfect caricature of Edward Cullen with how “wicked” his smile is, how “beautiful and sparkly” he is, and how he’s perfect in every way both physically and financially, which is why he buys businesses left and right just for the sake of stalking Anna. Earl even has a fierce rival in Anna’s friend Jin, a Brony who could be a stand-in for Jacob Black due to how muscle-bound he looks in his tight clothing. Anna Steal is also a stand-in for Bella Swan due to how ditzy and plain she really is. I haven’t read the Twilight books, but I know enough about them to see the references from a mile away. I laughed my head off at them just the same.

As someone who lost a cat to lung cancer around the time I read this, I needed the laughs. It’s a reminder not to take life too seriously and that it’s good to unplug every now and then. Sure, I’ll always have books that became my favorites because of how they ripped my heart to shreds. If that’s the case, then Fifty Shames of Earl Grey was the glue that pieced it together again. Thank you, Fanny Merkin, for all the laughs you gave me. You deserve a passing grade!

The Present Tense

When I was a writing rookie, one of the many mistakes I would make was mixing past and present tenses without realizing it. Everybody does it at some point in their rookie years. Now that I’m older and more conscious of the way I write, I choose to write in the past tense. However, after reading “Fifty Shades of Grey” and the first “Hunger Games” book, I’m starting to realize there are other options in that department. Those books in particular are written in the present tense. There’s something about the present tense that quickens the reading pace of a novel. There’s somehow supposed to be a difference between saying, “Oleg chopped the monster’s head off.” and “Oleg chops the monster’s head off.” I’ve often been told that present tense puts the reader in the moment as it’s happening, just like a movie would. The past tense merely tells a story while the present tense takes the extra step in showing instead of telling. It made me wonder if the present tense could ever be used in period piece genres such as fantasy and sci-fi. With the fantasy genre, the best way to utilize present tense is if one of the characters is telling the story around a campfire and using arm gestures to signify the action going on. With sci-fi, since it’s normally set in the future, it would be ideal to use a future tense, right? So far, I haven’t read anything that has successfully done it, so I won’t do it myself until I’m more secure with my surroundings. If all of these things are true about using present tense in narration of a story, then how come I’m not using it when I writing my own pieces of fiction? It’s because I’ve gotten so used to using past tense all of this time that I’m not ready for a radical change in style just yet. It seems like a little thing to change the words “was” and “is”, but here’s the deal. As a writer, you actually have to be aware of what you’re doing in order to be successful at sticking to a particular tense. If you’re so used to doing one thing all the time, then doing something else might result in too many errors on that first draft. So despite the strong case made for a present tense, especially on a blog about fast-paced books, I will continue to look back at the past for the moment. Besides, who’s to say that the past can’t be powerful as well since we have diseases like PTSD and schizophrenia? That would look particularly painful through the eyes of a first person narrator. Lots of potential power-wise.

　

***BUMPER STICKER OF THE DAY***

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

"Fifty Shades of Grey" by EL James

“Fifty Shades of Grey” has gotten a shit ton of criticism since publication. Some of it is legitimate, but most of it is just enforcing the stigma of it being based off of a piece of “Twilight” fan fiction. Personally, I don’t care where the idea for this book came from. If you read it, no matter what gender you are, the room you’re reading it in will become a hot, steamy sauna. If you’re already reading it in a sauna, don’t worry, you’ll still be able to tell the difference. If you’re a man, your peter will stand up and flop against your belly button. If you’re a woman, you’ll get so wet that you’ll have to wear a diaper just to read this book. When it comes to erotic fiction, isn’t that really all that matters? Are you really that turned off about Anastasia Steele having an “inner goddess” and a smart-assed subconscious? And does it really bother you that the characters’ names are designed to be sexy? Imagine if Anastasia’s name was Blanche Hertz. What kind of stigma does that ugly name apply to? An old woman? A woman with razor-sharp teeth? A woman with a guttural voice? The reason Anastasia Steele was given her name was because names always carry a certain amount of emotional baggage. With that name, you get the impression that she’s a romantic princess instead of a furry monster. What about the name Christian Grey? Suppose Anastasia’s corporate dominant boyfriend was named Christian Lipchitz. Anastasia wouldn’t have even entered his office building in the first place. Even if she did, her first interview question would have been, “If your Lipchitz, what does your ass do?” And then Christian would have spanked her with a barbed wire bat instead of his hand. The point I’m trying to make is that you shouldn’t turn down this book just because of a few minor flaws. As an erotic author, EL James has one goal: to keep a surplus of lotion and tissue around your house. And guess what? She accomplishes that goal with flying colors. Granted, she does so with the theme of a bondage fetish, but it’s still a hot and steamy book regardless of your sexual appetites. Pick it up and try it. You might be surprised!

　

***LITERARY QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“My cheeks are now the color of The Communist Manifesto.”

-Anastasia Steele from “Fifty Shades of Grey”-