Dangerous Authors

***DANGEROUS AUTHORS***

It’s not often that I express an unpopular opinion (unpopular among who?). If anybody wants to challenge the opinion I’m about to express in this blog entry, please remember to keep it civil. Turning it up to eleven will do neither of us any good; we’ve got enough of that shit as it is. Today I want to talk about “dangerous” authors. Specifically, I’d like to discuss what makes an author dangerous and why the label shouldn’t be tossed around so haphazardly. Let’s begin…

To my way of thinking, if you’re an author and your writing is so offensive that it causes violence or other kinds of mistreatment, congratulations, you’re dangerous as fuck. This seems to be the accepted definition among Book Tubers and the literature community in general. Having said that, there are degrees of this behavior and only the highest among them deserves true recognition as dangerous.

If you incite violence with your nonfiction hate speech and someone actually commits murder on your behalf, you’re partly to blame for that and congratulations, you’re dangerous. But if you’re a fiction writer who puts together a bad romantic storyline with mediocre characters and questionable morals, congratulations, you’re a shitty writer, but you’re not dangerous. Nobody died because of your shitty characters because the audience was too busy questioning why your book was popular to begin with.

It’s not enough just to read the stories and consume them. You also have to question them. Adults like to give teenagers a hard time for not questioning what they consume and sometimes they’re right, but not all the time. You can teach a kid to think critically. You can teach them to analyze characterization, plot points, and themes. And when they pick up on these lessons, they’ll look at Fifty Shades of Grey and shrug their shoulders in a “meh” kind of way. That’s right, folks. E.L. James, as terrible as she is, does not qualify as a dangerous author, because most readers can see right through her.

But what about those who don’t analyze someone like E.L. James? It’s not just limited to teenagers, either. There are adults who swear by Fifty Shades of Grey. Adults! But is it really all the fault of a crappy author who probably didn’t know what the fuck she was doing? Sure, accidents do happen and sometimes they’re catastrophic. But is she dangerous? Far from it.

This could be compared to the idea that videogames make teenagers violent. Spoiler alert: they don’t. Kids don’t shoot up schools because they saw it happen in Halo. If they really were being influenced by it, they’d teabag all of their kills and yell, “Ownage!” So if videogames can’t turn kids into monsters, why would a book be able to? What makes a fictional book more dangerous than a videogame if both can be easily questioned? Is it because authors are geniuses and videogame developers are dumb-asses? Artists in general are held in low regard by the public (cough, STEM lords, cough), so let’s put that shit to bed once and for all.

Personally, I believe a real world politician or televangelist is more dangerous to the public than a crappy author who writes mediocre love stories. As we’ve seen with the 2016 US presidential elections, abrasive nonfiction language plays a huge rule in influencing violent behavior. Nazis marching in the streets hold more power over the fearful than pre-teens who bite each other on the neck because they read Twilight. Stephanie Meyer is yet another author who probably didn’t know what the fuck she was doing.

But if you’re really worried about dangerous fictional romances permeating the marketplace, well, that’s what we have beta readers, sensitivity readers, and editors for. As long as these secondary readers don’t judge the author too harshly for unintentional offensiveness, this can truly be a productive conversation. And when productive conversations happen between authors and their betas, then more enjoyable books will be pumped out into the world. If it takes you multiple drafts to get it right (including the sensitive details), then you’ve pretty much described the life of an author. Once a book is published, however, the author is fresh out of excuses. But is he dangerous? Nope. Not in the least.

Again, these are just my opinions and you’re allowed to have a different one if you want. You probably think I’m a scumbag for giving authors like E.L. James and Stephanie Meyer a free pass and that’s okay. Maybe I’m expressing my unpopular opinion because I empathize with authors who have been piled on by the internet crowds. It’s happened to me a few times and I know how awful that makes me feel, so I try to be gentler on crappy fictional authors. If someone thought my novella Occupy Wrestling was too toxic because of the tumultuous relationship between Mitch and Debra, I’d want someone to be gentle with me as well.

But I digress. I turn the floor over to you guys now. What’s your definition of a dangerous author? Do you agree or disagree with the points I’ve made and why? Remember, winning debates isn’t about being the most outlandish. It’s about knowing why you feel the way you do and expressing your reasons in a productive way. Let’s not cancel each other over this hot topic. Let’s come together for a warm cup of tea on this cold autumn evening. I’m Garrison Kelly! Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Muskrat, muskrat. Candlelight. Doing the town and doing it right. In the evening, it’s pretty pleasing. Muskrat Susie, Muskrat Sam do the jitterbug out in muskrat land. And they shimmy. And Sammy’s so skinny. And they whirled and they twirled and they tangoed. Singing and jingling the jango. Floating like the heavens above. It looks like muskrat love. Nibbling on bacon, chewing on cheese. Sammy says to Susie, “Honey would you please be my missus?” And she says yes with her kisses. Now he’s tickling her fancy, rubbing her toes. Muzzle to muzzle, now anything goes. As they wiggle, Sue starts to giggle.”

-America singing “Muskrat Love”-

***POST-SCRIPT***

Hey, if you’re sick of mediocre romances, try listening to the song listed above for a healthy and relatable one!

"The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty" by Anne Rice

If you’re looking for a sweet, gentle romance novel that will win your heart and make you shed tears of joy, this isn’t the book for you. If, on the other hand, you want a permanent hard-on and a reason to flush all of your Viagra down the toilet, Anne Rice is the author you want to turn to. She wrote a book back in the early 80’s called “The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty”, which takes a normally innocent fairy tell and turns it into the sexiest piece of literature you’ll ever read. It matters not what your gender or preference is, because at the beginning of the book, Anne Rice specifically says that this novel is “For the enjoyment of men and women.” Yeah, no kidding. This book has everything you could ever want in a sexual fantasy: hardcore bondage, man-on-woman intercourse, woman-on-woman action, and from time to time, man-on-man action. As I’ve said before, it doesn’t matter what your sexual preferences are, because sooner or later, no matter who’s getting it where, you’re going to have some serious libido afterwards. Do you all remember that episode of Family Guy where Glenn Quagmire discovers internet porn and suddenly his right arm is more muscular and toned than the left arm? That’s going to be you by the time you complete the first chapter. Maybe after the first page. But as sexy as this book is, there are some points in it that are completely mind boggling. Having sex slaves run around a track and jump through hoops like circus lions? That’s a little bit bizarre even for the bondage genre. All in all, I can’t complain, because those bizarre moments are very few and far between. There are far more hot and sexy moments than there are weird and awkward moments. The one moment that’s my personal favorite is when Prince Alexi has sex with The Queen for the first time. And then afterwards, she grabs various body parts of his and claims that they are hers. And when I say body parts, I’m obviously not doing a good job of being subtle. In short, if you want something that’ll make a Playboy magazine seem about as fun as The Wall Street Journal, buy this book. I will admit, though, that it’s not the quickest read you’ll ever have. But then again, with sweet action like this, it doesn’t have to be. You’re not just going to be hooked all the way through this book, you’re going to be chained and gagged to it as well.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“She is dangerous, she is dangerous, I’m sure. And she’s all dressed up and knocking at my door. She is dangerous, she is dangerous, I know. But she’s got my heart and she’s never letting go.”

-James Blunt singing “Dangerous”-