There Won't Be a Next Time

VERSE 1

Call me on the phone with tears in your eyes

All because you never got to say goodbye

It’s two in the morning and I’ve popped my pills

I have this conversation against my will

You’ve searched every place for just one answer

Except for the mirror, your one true romancer

It’s all your fault, ‘cause everything’s your fault

Rip the cord out of the wall to end these phone calls

 

CHORUS

I already know you won’t do it next time

Why? Because there won’t be a next time!

You’re like everyone else who blew their chances

Flushed away your own friendships and romances

 

VERSE 2

I can only imagine what you’re like in real life

Either a fair-weather friend or a yandere wife

Would you throw knives at me at Thanksgiving dinner?

Debate me at Christmas until you’re the winner?

Leave me behind on a faraway vacation?

So many dark scenarios in my imagination

Anxiety gives me the gift that keeps giving

A lifetime with you isn’t one that’s worth living

 

CHORUS

I already know you won’t do it next time

Why? Because there won’t be a next time!

You’re like everyone else who blew their chances

Flushed away your own friendships and romances

 

BRIDGE

Life would be easier if you just wore a shirt

That says, “I’m evil and I’m lower than dirt”

That way I wouldn’t spend time chasing your skirt

My brain would stay sane, your heart would never hurt

 

VERSE 3

And now it’s all over, so what should I do?

Spend more time creating, less thinking of you

I’ve got a wish list that’s about a mile long

Time to show the world what it means to be strong

But first a little shiver underneath my blanket

Wondering all day if I’m even going to make it

I dreamed of making money with my artistic skills

Climb the corporate mountain, but the avalanche kills

 

EXTENDED CHORUS

I already know you won’t do it next time

Why? Because there won’t be a next time!

You’re like everyone else who blew their chances

Flushed away your own friendships and romances

You can say you’re sorry until your throat goes raw

You can scream until you unhinge your own jaw

You can hang onto my leg like a little bitty toddler

Go and get a life, unlike an aborted daughter

Incubus Concert

 Well…last night I went to see Incubus at the White River Amphitheater. There weren’t as many Kyles and Codys here as there were at the Five Finger Death Punch concert two weeks before. No Monster Energy Giga-Chad vibes here, just the sweetness of Incubus’s brand of rock and roll. They played a lot of songs from Morning View, which is understandable considering how almost perfect that album is. Songs like “Megalomaniac” and “Sick Sad Little World” will always get a rise out of me. But the one song that I was waiting all night for was “The Warmth”, which I’ve often used as an anthem for healing from my mental illnesses. “Don’t let the world bring you down. Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold. Remember why you came and while you’re alive, experience the warmth before you grow old.” Poetry. Absolute fucking poetry. There wasn’t a bad song on that whole show, and that goes for the openers as well. Sublime will never fully replace Bradley Nowell, may he rest in peace, but Roman Ramirez definitely helped take them into a new direction. He’s younger than me, so he’s got his whole life ahead of him. The other openers were The Aquadolls and The Naked Giants, both of which made instant believers out of me despite never hearing their music before that night. This was only my second concert since the pandemic and I’m glad I got to go out in public for my dose of serotonin. Up next: Roger Waters at the Tacoma Dome, which takes place on the 17th of September. He’s going to debut a new song called “The Bar”, which I’m excited for.

I Don't Have a Dog

CHORUS

I don’t have a dog in this fight

I can’t decide who’s wrong or right

We can go all day, go all night

If only there was an arena in sight

VERSE 1

He said this and then she said that

What they said was a whole lot of jack

Hidden agenda, open challenge policy

Open the door for verbal sodomy

Everything’s on the table for the media

Sooner or later, it’s marked with tedium

Whatever happened to keeping the peace?

When will the madness finally cease?

CHORUS

I don’t have a dog in this fight

I can’t decide who’s wrong or right

We can go all day, go all night

If only there was an arena in sight

VERSE 2

Slinging mud and slinging shit

They’re hoping for a critical hit

Drinking poison, wishing for death

On each other, it makes no sense

This isn’t a wrestling or boxing ring

Stop fighting over every little thing

Diplomacy is what you all need

Before you fuckers start to bleed

BRIDGE

Conscientious objection

This ain’t some kind of election

Digging up the dirt

Will cause both of you to hurt

Friendly fire, both are liars

It’s what the camera requires

I don’t have a dog in this war

I don’t want to see any more

EXTENDED CHORUS

I don’t have a dog in this fight

I can’t decide who’s wrong or right

We can go all day, go all night

If only there was an arena in sight

I don’t have a dog in this battle

I don’t blindly follow like cattle

Reality TV is rated TV-MA

Disgusts me so much, I turn away

Evanescence Concert

***EVANESCENCE CONCERT***

It’s been a rough last few days here at the Haines-Temons-Stevens-Wilson household. A shouting match broke out, tears rolled down, and my mom couldn’t go to bed without a shoulder massage from yours truly. I’m not ready to give the details just yet, so please respect my family’s privacy. All I want to say for now is that I’m looking forward to seeing Evanescence perform at the White River Amphitheater on September 7^th. Amy Lee’s beautiful voice is certainly a comfort to anybody with a broken heart.

Truth is, I didn’t buy Evanescence’s three studio albums until earlier this year. The only song of theirs I had on my computer was the album version of “My Immortal”. That song got me through a lot of rough shit over the years whether it was a pet’s death, a hot argument, or just being lonely in my room. My mom got me their symphonic album Synthesis for Christmas in 2017 and I have reason to believe Evanescence’s concert in September will be symphonic as well. I’m strangely okay with there being no mosh pits or wild behavior at this concert. Symphonic music is comforting in its own right, so I’m destined to have a good time.

Accompanying the band onstage will be a violinist by the name of Lindsay Stirling. I’ve never listened to her music before, but judging from what I’ve researched, she specializes in electronic pop and some of her own symphonic music. Even though I don’t listen to this kind of music on a regular basis, I’m also strangely okay with Miss Stirling being an opener for Evanescence. I remember getting some head-bobbing enjoyment out of Grabbitz (electronic pop DJ) at the Starset concert back in February, so this will be no different.

At the end of the day, it’s all about having fun and being in the moment. This concert will be the perfect way to soothe my worries and get me back on the right track. The 7^th of September also happens to be the due date for editing Savage Beatings as well as the day after my biological father’s 68^th birthday. Spoiler alert: I’ve finished round two of editing several days ahead of schedule. I’m counting on there being a round three and beyond, but that’s neither here nor there. Marie told me I needed more details, so hopefully I’ve done that. I’ll be rocking out in her honor since she too loves Evanescence and Lindsay Stirling. Hell, I’d take her with me if we lived in the same city.

But now that we’re on the topic of creative work, the elephant in the room, of course, is the lack of activity in the Incelbordination department. Yes, I’ve been busy prettying up Savage Beatings (there’s a sentence I never thought I’d say), but the WSS still needs their weekly dose of Garrisonian magic (okay, that sounded self-indulgent). I’ll find the time to work on my WIP novel eventually. Hell, it’s not about “finding time”. It’s about doing the fucking thing.

In addition to fucking around with Incelbordination, I still have to rewrite the chapter-by-chapter blueprints for Beautiful Monster. After the radical changes Marie suggested, I’ve decided to rewrite the entire novel from the ground up. Tarja Rikkinen needs to be likeable, the villains need purposes other than just being evil, Windham Xavier needs to be distinguishable from other characters, and elves in general need to be distinguishable from their human counterparts. There are plenty of other problems that need addressing, but I won’t list them all in this blog. I have the new novel planned up until the point where Kody Savage force-feeds Windham a bunch of medicinal leaves and renders him unconscious. Medicinal leaves make more sense than psychedelic mushrooms. The question is, after Kody binds and gags Windham and takes him back to home base…what happens then?

August was a hell of a month, but September is yet another mountain to be climbed, both professionally and personally. But just like with other obstacles in my life, I will not only survive, but I will conquer with a scorched earth policy. Positivity isn’t about pretending everything’s okay. It’s about believing in your own abilities to improve your situation in life. I can do this. We all can do this. I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“I’m so tired of being here. Suppressed by all my childish fears. And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave. ‘Cause your presence still lingers here and it won’t leave me alone. These wounds won’t seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There’s just too much that time cannot erase. When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears. When you screamed, I’d fight away all of your fears. And I held your hand all these years, but you still have all of me. You used to captivate me by your resonating light. Now I’m bound by the life you left behind. Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams. Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me. I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone. But though you’re still with me, I’ve been alone all along.”

-Evanescence singing “My Immortal”-

El Divorcio

VERSE 1

Is this the life you really want?

Is it worth the price of the ring you bought?

Is it worth the senseless fights?

Do you have to do this every night?

Starting arguments for the hell of it

Your rage and tears are irrelevant

Does any part of you want to break up?

Is it time to dry your eyes and wake up?

CHORUS

El divorcio, el divorcio

It’s all over forever and now

El divorcio, el divorcio

There is nothing to smile about

No more holding hands in public

No more kisses that are sudden

No more passionate love making

When your heart is breaking

VERSE 2

Who was right or wrong all along?

Who’s to blame for this sorrowful song?

Lawyers and judges get to decide

Who gets the gold, who gets the hearse ride

The tiring war goes on for months

It soon turns into a bounty hunt

Is this the result you really need?

Surrendering to aggravated greed?

CHORUS

El divorcio, el divorcio

It’s all over forever and now

El divorcio, el divorcio

There is nothing to smile about

No more holding hands in public

No more kisses that are sudden

No more passionate love making

When your heart is breaking

VERSE 3

Is it too late to start over again?

A newfound lover or just a friend?

A shattered dream to mend with gold?

Another soft hand to gently hold?

Is it too late to turn back the clock?

Find a shoulder to cry on and be your rock?

Are you your own hero? Can you save the day?

Or will you forever push the masses away?

BRIDGE

It’s not over until you say it’s over

Don’t be afraid to pull her closer

Don’t be afraid to say you’re sorry

Let’s start again, my precious darling

Tina Bryan

Correct me if I’m wrong, but with the addition of Tina, this marks the third character I’ve blogged about with the last name Bryan, the first two being Mario (schizophrenic college student) and Wade (D&D fighter). I swear I’m not doing that on purpose. In other words, Tina, Mario, and Wade are not related in any way. They’re not even from the same genre. But if you fan fiction junkies want to make something out of this, then I won’t try to stop you. In fact, I’ll applaud your creative minds with a standing ovation.

When I was writing a story called Hardcore Hell (formerly known as Hardcore Hate), Tina was nothing like Wade or Mario. In fact, she was what TV Tropes would refer to as Mrs. Fan Service. She was created to cater to the male crowd in a lot of ways. She was a sexy blond, she wore tight clothing, she was the lead guitarist of an all-girl metal band, and she was bisexual. The first moment in Hardcore Hell that should have made putters stand up was when Tina was flirting with the ultra-conservative paladin Gayle Rinehart and even kissed her on the lips. Despite her religious beliefs, Gayle put up very little resistance against the lesbian kiss. That’s fan service right there. And we all know by now I will do anything for my most loyal fans.

Tina Bryan was more than a sex object, though. Were you so blinded by her sexiness that you forgot she knew how to play the electric guitar? She was so talented she drew comparisons to Dimebag Darrell from Pantera and Max Cavalera from Soulfly. That kind of heavy metal talent doesn’t go unrecognized for long. She eventually joined an all-girl metal band called The Angry Amazons. The group’s gimmick was that they spread a politically liberal and radically feminist message in a mostly religious town called Leakee. They played one of their heaviest shows to a crowd of thousands and afterwards they were ambushed by Paladine’s Watchdogs before being crucified for the whole town to see. The members of the Angry Amazons died a slow and painful death.

The scene between Gayle and the Angry Amazons took place in heaven, where the deity of Gayle’s religion, Paladine, told her she was wrong in using her zeal to punish and persecute liberals. The lead singer of the Angry Amazons, Lara Spider, was even harsher than the loving god Gayle “worshipped” so much. Lara flat out told her she was disgusting and deserved to burn in hell for her sins. Tina took an entirely different approach to confronting a zealous member of Paladine’s order. The lesbian kiss and the flirting wasn’t just for fan service. It was a form of diplomacy. It was Tina’s way of letting Gayle know she was forgiven now that she learned her lessons. It was a smoking hot way of doing it, but it was convincing nonetheless.

The question becomes, now that Hardcore Hell has been exorcised from my library due to its irreparably bad writing, what do I do with the Angry Amazons? Will they get back together for another gig? But since this blog entry deals with one member specifically, what’s going to happen to Tina Bryan? Should she be discarded due to her being a “stereotype”? Should she be dismissed due to her being Mrs. Fan Service? To those of you who answered yes, I want to let you in on a little secret: fan service isn’t offensive. That’s why they call it fan service: because it’s service. Isn’t that right, Princess Leia? How about you, Crazy K? What’s the latest from Susanna from The Way Way Back? Not a goddamn thing, because Princess Leia, Crazy K, and Susanna don’t give a shit, that’s why. Tina Bryan shouldn’t give a shit either. She’s a badass heavy metal goddess and if she sees the light of day again, it’s going to happen despite criticism.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“I’ll throw the first punch, ‘cause I’ve kept my mouth shut for far too long. Enough’s enough. And you say I’m wrong, but it feels right. And it’s about damn time. It’s been too long. Enough’s enough. Right between the eyes!”

-Nothing More singing “First Punch”-

Constance Cable

For some reason, it always seems like every MMA referee character I create is a powerful woman. Maybe that’s because women are a minority in MMA and they get picked on a lot by guys who always seem to have a craving for sandwiches. Dudes, listen: if you want a sandwich, go to Subway. If you want someone to save you from a beating in the middle of an MMA fight, look no further than Constance Cable. You can call her Miss Cable. You can even call her Connie. But whatever you do, don’t fucking call her Constance the Cable Girl. She has virtually no interest in hooking you up with over 500 channels, 100 of which are religious stations, 200 of which are music stations, and the other 200 are channels nobody gives a shit about. She’s also not a redneck comedian who picks on minorities. Like Devon Spirit Wolf, Constance Cable also holds very strong liberal beliefs. But unlike Miss Spirit Wolf, Constance expresses her beliefs in a mature and professional way. Preferably, a way that doesn’t get her into trouble with whatever athletic commission she happens to be working for. Imagine that: MMA aficionados can actually talk peacefully among themselves. In fact, when Herb Dean stopped Urijah Faber’s fight with Renan Barao, Constance came out in support of Mr. Dean, saying that holding onto someone’s leg and holding a thumbs up weren’t necessarily the best way to defend yourself. By the way, Constance Cable isn’t a real person in case you haven’t figured that out already. She’s a character of mine who’s seeking employment in one of my stories. I’ve managed to squeeze Devon Spirit Wolf into one of my short stories, so there has to be room for Miss Cable somewhere else. Maybe she doesn’t have to be an active referee. That would open up a lot of possibilities for her character. Whether she’s stopping a fight or relaxing in a bathtub with a novel, it’s her wisdom that will see her through any narrative. She’s going to need all the wisdom in the world, because let’s face it, Constance Cable is not a perfect referee. She’s going to have people mad at her for the calls she’s made. Suppose Constance is in her hot tub reading a book and all of the sudden an angry assassin creeps up on her property and attempts to silence her once and for all. That could be the start of a thrilling read. In fact, it sounds a lot like the preface to a CJ Box work (without all the Ayn Rand references, of course). Constance has to do something when that blade reaches her throat. How about an arm bar? Or a leg bar? Or just a good old fashioned elbow to the ribs. This premise would work better if Constance knew how to fight. All this talk about plotting gave me an idea for a short story. Thanks, stream of consciousness!

　

***CONCERT QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I like sausages! That’s Romanticide!”

-Marco Hietala from Nightwish-

"Not Gonna Die" by Skillet

I’m not a Christian. I’m not even religious. In the immortal words of Bill Maher, saying atheism is a religion is like saying abstinence is a sex position. Having gotten these items off my chest, my nonreligious status doesn’t deter me away from the beautiful and inspirational music of Skillet. If you listen carefully to the lyrics from “Collide” on, you’ll notice that rarely do they actually mention Jesus or God by name. So that means the lyrics of the songs in which they’re professing their love to someone could be directed at anybody (at least in the atheist listener’s mind). They could be directed at a girlfriend or a wife. John Cooper singing the lyrics “My heart hurts for you” strikes a romantic chord whether that was the intention or not. Before I knew that “Lucy” was a pro-life anthem, I figured it to just be a song about missing people in general, whether they’re dead or simply out of your life. Even though Skillet is considered Christian rock, the listener doesn’t necessarily have to interpret the lyrics as religious. Everybody makes their own interpretations and nobody’s going to tell them otherwise. Let me tell you what the song “Not Gonna Die” means to me. It may be a call to believe in Jesus harder than you already do, but to me, it’s simply an anthem of not throwing in the towel when life becomes too hard to handle. When you give up, you “whisper goodbye” and “flat-line”. But when you “stand and fight forever”, your hard work will bear fruit. It makes me wish this song came out between 2007 and 2009 instead of smack-dab in the middle of 2013. I could have listened to this song forever when I was feeling lonely in college and missing my family. So instead of wishing in one hand and shitting in the other, I used “Not Gonna Die” as inspiration for a short story of the same title. Mario Gustafson, the lead character, finds himself in a similar situation as I was back in my college days. Mario was alone in his dorm room with no one to talk to and his family so many miles away. The difference between me and Mario is that the latter finds his “American family” (he’s a Swedish exchange student) in the form of an unhappy girlfriend of his roommate. Mario takes advantage of Tammy (the girlfriend’s) fragile situation and the two of them form a semi-romantic friendship that is sure to last them at least until the end of college. I’ve never been more jealous of a fictional character in my life. I had a few female friends in college, but we didn’t talk a lot then and we don’t talk a lot now that we have this wonderful invention called Face Book. Do you have a piece of music that speaks to you this way? If so, don’t hesitate to make art out of the inspiration you feel. You might have an idea one day and then it’ll fade away with a quickness if you don’t write it down fast enough. Even for those of you who aren’t “musical people”, if not a beautiful song, then a beautiful movie, TV show, book, or videogame. Find inspiration in something, goddamn it! Heh, I said “goddamn it” in a blog about Christian music. Hehe!

　

***DEPRESSING JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What do romance and All That Remains have in common?

A: A War You Cannot Win.

"Deafening Silence" by Serj Tankian

I’m not going to lie. “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” by Stephen Chbosky was such a beautiful story that it hurt me. The journey that Charlie went through and the love and friendship he found through all the hardships hit me like a Mike Tyson punch to the heart. It hit me so hard that I needed comfort music afterwards. But where in my music collection would I find it? Would it be “Remember Everything” by Five Finger Death Punch? How about “Because of You” by Kelly Clarkson? Or maybe I’m looking for “Kiss” by Korn. None of those would do because they’re too angsty. I didn’t feel angst after reading Stephen Chbosky’s masterpiece. I needed something that was both beautiful and emotional, just like the book. Come on down, Serj Tankian, and bring a copy of “Deafening Silence” with you. Why this song in particular? I’ll explain. I’m sure that after the events of “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”, Charlie will go on to do great things and he’ll rekindle his love with Sam. In stark contrast, after my own journey through high school and college, all that was left for me was something that Serj Tankian and his wife sang about for the album Harakiri: “Deafening Silence”. Silence from my old friends, silence from my family, silence from complete strangers, and silence from anybody looking for faithful and hardworking employees. But of course, I can’t do what Serj said and “paint you with my tears”, because I haven’t cried since 2007. I’ve been sad lots of times since then, but I’ve never had the urge to just let the tear ducts flow like a monsoon. Charlie, on the other hand, cried many times over the course of Stephen Chbosky’s story. He cried when he was happy, he cried when he was sad, and sometimes he just cried because he was so emotional all the time. To say that I envy Charlie wouldn’t be quite accurate. It’s a little petty to be jealous of a fictional character. Nobody watches The Expendables and becomes jealous of Sylvester Stallone. Those that do end up going to Iraq or Afghanistan to get their heads blown off. While I may have no jealousy toward Charlie or his friends, it doesn’t change the fact that the silence still exists and that it still affects me deeply every day of my life. To commemorate this lack of noise, I’ve got a copy of “Deafening Silence” by Serj Tankian handy on my MP3, on my computer, and on the original CD. If you haven’t heard the song yet, go to You Tube and find it. It’s absolutely gorgeous. In fact, if “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” had been set in the early 2010’s instead of the early 1990’s, I’m sure Serj Tankian’s masterpiece would have been included in the soundtrack.

　

***FACE BOOK POST OF THE DAY***

“You know your life is boring when you have something to do tomorrow and you set your alarm for eleven in the morning.”

-Me-

Pink Floyd the Wall

Allow me to paint a picture for you. It’s the mid-90’s and I’m still extremely young. My dad plays a video cassette of various music videos he recorded off of VH1. The ones I’m waiting for particularly are those of The Police. Before that, I get a music video that could easily be defined as the most frightening I’ve ever seen. It’s a sequence from the movie Pink Floyd the Wall, particularly from Goodbye Blue Sky to Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 2. It all begins with the Union Jack turning into a bloody cross, which is horrifying enough. But then they had to have a sequence where putty-faced children march through an abandoned cookie factory only to end up getting ground into sausage near the end. The very next day, I ordered a meatball marinara sandwich at Subway and I’m barely able to eat the fucking thing because the meatballs look like ground up children and the marinara sauce looks like blood from the Union Jack. Fast forward several years later, namely to my sophomore year of high school. I finally get to watch Pink Floyd the Wall from beginning to end. After the first time, I became an instant fan of the imagery that scared the shit out of me as a child. And then I would watch the movie over and over again as a means of escapism. That and I loved the music of Pink Floyd. Eventually, I began to call this movie my own personal bible, which might not have gone over so well in a town full of Christian conservatives such as Chehalis. The lesson I took away from this movie was not the obvious one of taking responsibility for your actions, but instead one of resisting everybody’s attempts to change who I am. During the sequence for The Happiest Days of Our Lives, Pink’s teacher reads one of his poems in a sarcastic and insulting manner before smacking Pink’s hand with his own pencil. That’s one way people try to change who you are: by insulting you and making you ashamed of your creativity. Folks, I’m here to tell you that no matter how many times someone insults your creative ways, never trade them for mundane conformity. Don’t put on a suit and tie when you can easily write poetry in your pajamas. Don’t put on a hardhat and overalls when you can write a movie script in your underwear. Ever since considering Pink Floyd the Wall my own personal bible, every insult I had ever taken in my life was construed as an attempt to make me a boring person. When a random kid started calling me a crackhead for instance, I took that as an insult of my character. So I did the one thing that every emotional, testosterone-pumped teenager did in those days: I ran up to him one day, kicked him in the ass, grabbed him around the neck, and wrestled him to the floor. I would have rained punches down on him, but I think he got the message. I never heard from him again. Thanks, Pink Floyd the Wall, for reminding me to continue writing offensive literature no matter what criticism it took in the past!

　

***SONG DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

“Oh my god, what a fabulous room! Are all these your guitars?! God, this place is bigger than our apartment! Uh, can I get a drink of water? You want some? Huh? Oh wow, look at this tub! Want to take a bath?! What’re you watching? Hello? Are you feeling okay?”

-The groupie from “One of My Turns” by Pink Floyd-

"Walking Your Blues Away" by Thom Hartmann

Tea-bagging queens across America are going to see the name Thom Hartmann and immediately start running for the hills, where their military assault rifles and large magazines are often kept. In “Walking Your Blues Away”, Mr. Hartmann spends more time talking about psychology than he does about liberal politics, so keep your pants on. In this particular book, which doesn’t even make it passed the 100-page mark (good news for impatient readers), Hartmann talks about the idea of walking long distances as a way of neutralizing traumatic memories. Each left and right step can be seen as a different way of performing EMDR to those suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. In the ages of tribal hunters and medieval warriors, they obviously didn’t have things like Xanax and Bupropion. They had to relieve their traumatic stress somehow and since cars weren’t invented either, they had to pretty much walk everywhere they wanted to be, and hence got the treatment they deserved. Imagine that: a simple thing like walking can relieve stress. It’s universally known that any kind of exercise can release dopamine and serotonin into the brain and those are the two chemicals that make people happy. The best part about walking is that it’s not hard to do even for people who weigh well over 300 lbs. Not only are you getting relief from your angering memories, but you’re also shedding some pounds in the process. You’re probably asking right about now if “Walking Your Blues Away” worked for me. The thing you need to understand about me is that I don’t have PTSD, I have schizophrenia. PTSD is an anxiety disorder and schizophrenia is a psychotic disorder, and yet they do the exact same thing: torment the mind with disgusting images and words until the victim can’t take it anymore. Walking in the sense of an EMDR treatment doesn’t work for schizophrenia. But don’t take this as a warning not to buy the book. Walking can still be beneficial since it does release happy chemicals into the brain. I’ve been a long distance walker since the 90’s and I feel great every time I return home from one of my journeys to the grocery store. Besides, the book is less than 100 pages long. You’re really telling me that you can’t get through less than 100 pages? Come on, now.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Twisting and turning, unable to sleep. Do the voices ever stop?! My thoughts speak louder the more I resist. And they’re driving me insane! Do they ever go?! Inside, I’m a danger to myself. Inside, I’m a prisoner of my own hell. Losing the battle I’ve waged on myself. Lock me up and toss the key! Toys in the attic, it’s all getting worse. Why won’t they let me be?! Oh god, make it stop! Fit me for a straightjacket! Put me in a padded cell! I’m a danger to you all! And I’m a danger to myself!”

-Five Finger Death Punch singing “My Own Hell”-

"Undisputed" by Chris Jericho

Welcome everybody to Raw Is Jericho! Well, technically this isn’t Monday Night Raw, but if I was to say welcome to Garrison’s Library Is Jericho, it wouldn’t have the same ring to it. In fact, it would sound flat-out dorky. Just because it isn’t always Monday night, doesn’t mean you can’t have your fill of Y2J Chris Jericho, as evidenced in the memoir he wrote in 2011 called “Undisputed”. This memoir documents his days in the WWE from 1999 to 2007. Jericho had a particularly tough time transitioning from WCW to WWE since they do things a bit differently. Every match is planned out ahead of time instead of improvised. The sooner Chris Jericho learned this, the sooner he would become a major star. And become a major star he did. He is credited as being the company’s first Undisputed World Champion, hence the title of his memoir. In addition to being a mega-star in WWE, his metal band Fozzy was also taking off like a rocket ship. For the most part, whenever Jericho wasn’t fighting with Bill Goldberg or getting cussed at by either Vince McMahon or the producers, he was having the time of his life. But don’t think for a moment that this book doesn’t have its darker sides as well. As I said before, this memoir documents his life all the way to 2007. The years 2005 and 2007 were shrouded in sorrow as those were the years that Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit died respectively. Guerrero and Benoit were Jericho’s best friends in the industry all the way back from his WCW days. He did Eddie Guerrero justice when talking about him extensively near the middle of the book. The one part of the book I don’t agree with, though, is where he says that Chris Benoit should be forgotten about based on the double murder-suicide that ended his life. The way I see it, Benoit’s deadly behavior was not consistent with the rest of his life, which was decorated with entertaining matches and illustrious championships. For all the Chris Benoit fans out there, don’t take this as a sign that you should pass up this book. Chris Jericho’s life story is an awesome one and should be enjoyed by everyone who reads it. The witty descriptions alone are enough to put a smile on anybody’s face. But for all you future authors out there, take this as a cautionary tale, because Chris Jericho does something that is taboo in the literary world: he name checks celebrities. The only reason why he can get away with it is because of his popularity with wrestling fans. In the end, however, if you’re grinning from ear to ear and enjoying his references, it doesn’t really matter. Pick up a copy of “Undisputed”. It won Best Book of the Year in 2011 from the Wrestling Observer Newsletter, after all. Those awards are not easy to get.

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I was once part of a band called T-Mobile, but we kept breaking up.”

-Jerry Lawler-