Hair vs. Hair

 VERSE 1

While you were assed out, lost in a dream

I shaved your head bald like my man Mr. Clean

I’ll keep your locks as a game hunting trophy

For losing to me, it’s the least that you owe me

I could’ve cut out your silver-coated tongue

Could’ve ripped out your tobacco-coated lungs

Could’ve snipped off your two-inch pecker

Kept your sorry ass from being a home-wrecker

CHORUS

It’s hair vs. hair!

Should I use a razor or rip and tear?

It’s hair vs. hair!

Your scalp is so bloody, we call it rare

VERSE 2

No steaming hot towel over your face

No shoulder massage at a gentle pace

No aftershave with the vanilla scent

The beauty salon isn’t where you went

CHORUS

It’s hair vs. hair!

Should I use a razor or rip and tear?

It’s hair vs. hair!

Your scalp is so bloody, we call it rare

VERSE 3

With your chrome dome, you could join the army

Or be under the watch of a perverted carnie

It doesn’t feel good to be the victim, does it?

Then what makes you think I’d ever love it?

You don’t owe me a single dollar or penny

Your clumps of hair will be more than plenty

I’d say we’re even if only for the time being

Look into the mirror and hate what you’re seeing

EXTENDED CHORUS

It’s hair vs. hair!

Should I use a razor or rip and tear?

It’s hair vs. hair!

Your scalp is so bloody, we call it rare

It’s beauty vs. beast!

The roles have been reversed, you see

It’s man vs. monster!

One achieves victory, the other dishonor

It’s hair vs. hair!

A Medal of Freedom can never compare

To the feeling of keeping something of yours

No more lost sleep, in fact, I’ll fucking snore!

Debate Club

I joined the school debate club

To annoy the piss out of you

Now everything from my mouth

Is a hundred percent bulletproof

I got an A in my forensics class

My teacher’s so goddamn proud

Now I can win an argument

By being obnoxious and loud

There’s no topic that’s off limits

No matter how petty and small

I could have been a politician

I’d rather watch you fucking fall

Cut the sodium out of your diet

Eat some lettuce heads instead

Don’t be an ass in videogames

Give them a chance to get ahead

Don’t wear those ugly sweatpants

Wear a jacket, slacks, and tie

You can have your mediocre job

All you have to do is try and try

You can raise your middle fingers

But we know that’s immature

You can call me on my bullshit

Or call me out on my cow manure

I don’t know when to shut my mouth

I don’t know when I’ve lost the fight

Maybe if I debate my way to the top

I’d be a centillionaire over night

That money doesn’t even exist yet

But I can make it happen anytime

I’d rather put my skills to good use

And list off your every little crime

Is that a smoke wagon in your hand?

Are you putting it to my noggin?

Have you had enough of me yet?

An extreme way of saying, “Stop it!”

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

It’s the only way to shut my ass up

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

I’ll tell the devil you said, “What’s up?”

I Don't Have a Dog

CHORUS

I don’t have a dog in this fight

I can’t decide who’s wrong or right

We can go all day, go all night

If only there was an arena in sight

VERSE 1

He said this and then she said that

What they said was a whole lot of jack

Hidden agenda, open challenge policy

Open the door for verbal sodomy

Everything’s on the table for the media

Sooner or later, it’s marked with tedium

Whatever happened to keeping the peace?

When will the madness finally cease?

CHORUS

I don’t have a dog in this fight

I can’t decide who’s wrong or right

We can go all day, go all night

If only there was an arena in sight

VERSE 2

Slinging mud and slinging shit

They’re hoping for a critical hit

Drinking poison, wishing for death

On each other, it makes no sense

This isn’t a wrestling or boxing ring

Stop fighting over every little thing

Diplomacy is what you all need

Before you fuckers start to bleed

BRIDGE

Conscientious objection

This ain’t some kind of election

Digging up the dirt

Will cause both of you to hurt

Friendly fire, both are liars

It’s what the camera requires

I don’t have a dog in this war

I don’t want to see any more

EXTENDED CHORUS

I don’t have a dog in this fight

I can’t decide who’s wrong or right

We can go all day, go all night

If only there was an arena in sight

I don’t have a dog in this battle

I don’t blindly follow like cattle

Reality TV is rated TV-MA

Disgusts me so much, I turn away