Tina Bryan

Correct me if I’m wrong, but with the addition of Tina, this marks the third character I’ve blogged about with the last name Bryan, the first two being Mario (schizophrenic college student) and Wade (D&D fighter). I swear I’m not doing that on purpose. In other words, Tina, Mario, and Wade are not related in any way. They’re not even from the same genre. But if you fan fiction junkies want to make something out of this, then I won’t try to stop you. In fact, I’ll applaud your creative minds with a standing ovation.

When I was writing a story called Hardcore Hell (formerly known as Hardcore Hate), Tina was nothing like Wade or Mario. In fact, she was what TV Tropes would refer to as Mrs. Fan Service. She was created to cater to the male crowd in a lot of ways. She was a sexy blond, she wore tight clothing, she was the lead guitarist of an all-girl metal band, and she was bisexual. The first moment in Hardcore Hell that should have made putters stand up was when Tina was flirting with the ultra-conservative paladin Gayle Rinehart and even kissed her on the lips. Despite her religious beliefs, Gayle put up very little resistance against the lesbian kiss. That’s fan service right there. And we all know by now I will do anything for my most loyal fans.

Tina Bryan was more than a sex object, though. Were you so blinded by her sexiness that you forgot she knew how to play the electric guitar? She was so talented she drew comparisons to Dimebag Darrell from Pantera and Max Cavalera from Soulfly. That kind of heavy metal talent doesn’t go unrecognized for long. She eventually joined an all-girl metal band called The Angry Amazons. The group’s gimmick was that they spread a politically liberal and radically feminist message in a mostly religious town called Leakee. They played one of their heaviest shows to a crowd of thousands and afterwards they were ambushed by Paladine’s Watchdogs before being crucified for the whole town to see. The members of the Angry Amazons died a slow and painful death.

The scene between Gayle and the Angry Amazons took place in heaven, where the deity of Gayle’s religion, Paladine, told her she was wrong in using her zeal to punish and persecute liberals. The lead singer of the Angry Amazons, Lara Spider, was even harsher than the loving god Gayle “worshipped” so much. Lara flat out told her she was disgusting and deserved to burn in hell for her sins. Tina took an entirely different approach to confronting a zealous member of Paladine’s order. The lesbian kiss and the flirting wasn’t just for fan service. It was a form of diplomacy. It was Tina’s way of letting Gayle know she was forgiven now that she learned her lessons. It was a smoking hot way of doing it, but it was convincing nonetheless.

The question becomes, now that Hardcore Hell has been exorcised from my library due to its irreparably bad writing, what do I do with the Angry Amazons? Will they get back together for another gig? But since this blog entry deals with one member specifically, what’s going to happen to Tina Bryan? Should she be discarded due to her being a “stereotype”? Should she be dismissed due to her being Mrs. Fan Service? To those of you who answered yes, I want to let you in on a little secret: fan service isn’t offensive. That’s why they call it fan service: because it’s service. Isn’t that right, Princess Leia? How about you, Crazy K? What’s the latest from Susanna from The Way Way Back? Not a goddamn thing, because Princess Leia, Crazy K, and Susanna don’t give a shit, that’s why. Tina Bryan shouldn’t give a shit either. She’s a badass heavy metal goddess and if she sees the light of day again, it’s going to happen despite criticism.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“I’ll throw the first punch, ‘cause I’ve kept my mouth shut for far too long. Enough’s enough. And you say I’m wrong, but it feels right. And it’s about damn time. It’s been too long. Enough’s enough. Right between the eyes!”

-Nothing More singing “First Punch”-