When I was writing a story for a videogame idea called Final Fantasy Hardcore, my idea of cage fighting wasn’t what you see today in the UFC. There were no referee stoppages, no judges scoring the fight, no padded gloves, no baggy shorts, no nothing. To my way of thinking, cage fighting was a lot like how it was depicted in the X-Box game Dead or Alive 3 with electrified barbed wire surrounding the ring. Herb Dean or John McCarthy wouldn’t be there to save your ass. The only way you’re getting out of these cage fights is in a hearse. I wanted the cage fights in Final Fantasy Hardcore to resemble this smash mouth way of life. And of course, every sport has its legends, which is why I want to use this blog entry to talk about Dr. Pie. Think of him as being a much more badass parody of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Dr. Pie had short dreadlocks, a wife beater shirt, baggy khakis, basically in terms of looks, he resembled a street thug rather than a caricature of The Rock. Where Dr. Pie begins to look like him is when he has microphone time. And if you’re going to give him a microphone, you’d better change the rating of whatever show he’s on to TV-MA. This goes beyond turning something sideways and sticking it up somebody’s colon. Dr. Pie will take it one step too far. “Dr. Pie says, he’s going to pull out a condom, put it on his dick, bend you over, pull your pants down, and stick it straight up your candy ass!” It didn’t end with the world’s most obvious sexual come-on. Try this on for size: “Do you smell what Dr. Pie is fisting?” A little more disgusting, but it’s an M-rated game, so he can get away with it. But if he does happen to transition to the PG-era of cage fighting, he can say something like this: “John Cena looks like a giant box of digested Cocoa Puffs!” Mr. Cena probably won’t be too happy about that and will want to challenge Dr. Pie to a match at Wrestlemania. Truth is, John might be able to get away with that when he’s up against The Rock. But if Dr. Pie gives John Cena a Rock Bottom, it won’t just shake the ring and bring the fans to their feet; it’ll snap Cena’s spine in two like a candy cane. It’ll burst his ribcage like a bubble. It’ll spill his innards all over the arena. The medical examiner will have to carry him out in a pickle jar. Don’t get me started if Dr. Pie goes for a People’s Elbow. There won’t be any running off the ropes or any other fruity theatrics. Those elbows will look more like they were done by the love child of Ricardo Lamas and Bad News Barrett. When Ricardo Lamas threw elbows at a downed Erik Koch at a UFC event, Mr. Koch bled out of his forehead like a fire hydrant and John McCarthy had to stop the match. And Bad News Barrett? A knockout elbow is his favorite finishing move. He even calls it the Bad News Bull Hammer to give you an idea of how badly it hurts to be hit with it. With all this nasty shit going on for Dr. Pie, it won’t be long before he finds a kick-ass story to be a part of.
***FACE BOOK POST OF THE DAY***
“What’s disgusting to my audience is mundane to me.”
-Me-
For some reason, it always seems like every MMA referee character I create is a powerful woman. Maybe that’s because women are a minority in MMA and they get picked on a lot by guys who always seem to have a craving for sandwiches. Dudes, listen: if you want a sandwich, go to Subway. If you want someone to save you from a beating in the middle of an MMA fight, look no further than Constance Cable. You can call her Miss Cable. You can even call her Connie. But whatever you do, don’t fucking call her Constance the Cable Girl. She has virtually no interest in hooking you up with over 500 channels, 100 of which are religious stations, 200 of which are music stations, and the other 200 are channels nobody gives a shit about. She’s also not a redneck comedian who picks on minorities. Like Devon Spirit Wolf, Constance Cable also holds very strong liberal beliefs. But unlike Miss Spirit Wolf, Constance expresses her beliefs in a mature and professional way. Preferably, a way that doesn’t get her into trouble with whatever athletic commission she happens to be working for. Imagine that: MMA aficionados can actually talk peacefully among themselves. In fact, when Herb Dean stopped Urijah Faber’s fight with Renan Barao, Constance came out in support of Mr. Dean, saying that holding onto someone’s leg and holding a thumbs up weren’t necessarily the best way to defend yourself. By the way, Constance Cable isn’t a real person in case you haven’t figured that out already. She’s a character of mine who’s seeking employment in one of my stories. I’ve managed to squeeze Devon Spirit Wolf into one of my short stories, so there has to be room for Miss Cable somewhere else. Maybe she doesn’t have to be an active referee. That would open up a lot of possibilities for her character. Whether she’s stopping a fight or relaxing in a bathtub with a novel, it’s her wisdom that will see her through any narrative. She’s going to need all the wisdom in the world, because let’s face it, Constance Cable is not a perfect referee. She’s going to have people mad at her for the calls she’s made. Suppose Constance is in her hot tub reading a book and all of the sudden an angry assassin creeps up on her property and attempts to silence her once and for all. That could be the start of a thrilling read. In fact, it sounds a lot like the preface to a CJ Box work (without all the Ayn Rand references, of course). Constance has to do something when that blade reaches her throat. How about an arm bar? Or a leg bar? Or just a good old fashioned elbow to the ribs. This premise would work better if Constance knew how to fight. All this talk about plotting gave me an idea for a short story. Thanks, stream of consciousness!
***CONCERT QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“I like sausages! That’s Romanticide!”
-Marco Hietala from Nightwish-
Being a referee in any sport is a thankless job, especially in the world of mixed-martial arts. If you make one tiny mistake as a referee, a firestorm of criticism will descend upon you like the end of the world is already upon us. You’ll catch shit from Dana White, Joe Rogan, the fans, the fighters, everybody. If you don’t believe me, ask referees like Steve Mazzigatti, Kim Winslow, Yves Lavigne, and just recently, Herb Dean. I don’t have a Twitter account, so I never know if these referees are lashing out against their critics. That’s why I’ve taken the liberty of creating a character that I hope to one day use in a future combat sports prose. Meet Devon Spirit Wolf. She’s Native American, she’s smoking hot, but best of all, she’s opinionated. In fact, she has her own blog called The Bitchy Referee. In this blog, she has a take no prisoners attitude and she doesn’t let anybody get away with murder. I know referees are supposed to be impartial, but Devon can get away with it because she lives in a fictional world were neutrality is bullshit. In one of her posts, she says that she has a lot of empathy for real world referee Kim Winslow. Kim is one of the most criticized referees in the business. Not because she makes controversial calls, but because she’s a woman. Think of all the “make me a sandwich” comments she had to endure over the internet, not to mention other renditions of the kitchen genre. Devon is also a woman and also doesn’t put up with sexism. She also doesn’t put up with transphobia either. In fact, when Matt Mitrione made his bigoted comments about Fallon Fox, Devon was the first to say that Matt secretly swung both ways and that he had a dress collection in his closet. Ouch! You know what else Devon Spirit Wolf hates? Pro-life zealots. She actually had an abortion when she was a teenager. She knows it’s not the most pleasant experience a woman can go through, but she also knows that a woman should never be shamed for it. Any other topics you’d like to throw in front of Devon Spirit Wolf’s face? She may be small enough to fit in Demetrious Johnson’s pockets, but she’ll kick anybody’s ass, whether it’s verbally or physically. She has a Brazilian Jujitsu black belt, so don’t piss her off. Now if only she can find a job in one of my stories. I already had one referee who was verbally animated and her name was Cheryl Glenn. I’m sure Devon Spirit Wolf will find work as well.
***DOMESTIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“If men want women to buy rape insurance, men should have to buy murder insurance.”
-Susan Wilson, the Deep Space Cowgirl-
