UFC: Ronda Rousey vs. Alexis Davis

MATCH: Ronda Rousey vs. Alexis Davis for the former’s Women’s Bantamweight Championship
PROMOTION: Ultimate Fighting Championship
EVENT: UFC 175: Weidman vs. Machida
YEAR: 2014
RATING: TV-14 for violence
GRADE: Pass


If you’re a UFC fan and you’re looking to make some quick money in Las Vegas, you would be a fool not to bet in favor of Ronda Rousey. In case you’ve been living under a rock for the past few years, here’s the deal with this badass chick. She’s undefeated in mixed-martial arts. She’s the current UFC Bantamweight Champion. Every fight she’s been in with the exception of one has ended in the first round. She’s earned a shit-load of awards from the MMA community. She’s an Olympic bronze medalist in judo (her main fighting style). She has movie deals with the Expendables and Fast and Furious franchises. She’s hotter than hell. She has so much going for her that her list of achievements would easily become a novel if I spouted them off to you.

Her opponent for UFC 175 isn’t anybody to sneeze at either. She is Alexis Davis. To earn her shot at Ronda, Alexis had to defeat three badass chicks in succession, which isn’t easy to do by any stretch of the imagination. Those three badass chicks are Rosi Sexton, Liz Carmouche, and Jessica Eye, all three of which have been in MMA for a long time and could destroy anybody in the blink of an eye. Granted, she beat those three via decision, but the argument will always be made that decision victories show how much endurance a fighter has. Alexis Davis will need a ton of endurance if she wants a victory of Ronda Rousey.

And now the field is set for what is sure to be an epic confrontation between two demon slayers. It is the co-main event of the evening, so the pressure on both ladies is especially high. The minute referee Yves Lavigne starts the match, Ronda and Alexis don’t waste any time in engaging with each other.

They throw punches, kicks, knees, and live to tell about all of those shots. And then out of nowhere comes the beginning of the end for Alexis Davis: a judo hip toss to the mat, which is not only a hard landing, but also a squashing technique since all 135 lbs. of Ronda Rousey’s body comes crashing down on Alexis Davis’ chest. With her arms trapped, Alexis has nothing to defend herself against the Armageddon-style rain of fists that come pouring down on her forehead. After ten stiff shots, Alexis’ arms go limp and that’s when Yves Lavigne stops the fight and awards Ronda a knockout victory.

There are two things about Ronda’s victory that are particularly amazing. One, after Yves Lavigne pulled Ronda off of Alexis, the latter was grappling with him thinking the match was still going on. That’s right, folks: Alexis was so punch drunk that she mistook a bald elderly referee for a smoking hot blond chick. And Alexis was really holding on tightly until Yves Lavigne explained to her over and over again that the match was over and she was knocked out.

And then of course, there’s the biggest elephant in the room when it comes to Ronda’s eventual Performance of the Night award: the judo queen won in only 16 seconds in the first round. Think of all the things one could do in 16 seconds of his or her life: make a cup of coffee, sign an autograph, eat a candy bar, just basic stuff. You know what Ronda Rousey did in 16 seconds? She beat the living hell out of another badass chick.

If you’ve read my review of a WWE match between Daniel Bryan and Sheamus at Wrestlemania 28, you would have seen that it got a failing grade due to the shortness of it all. And yet, Ronda Rousey vs. Alexis Davis in the UFC gets a passing grade even though it was only 16 seconds long. It seems hypocritical on the surface, but it’s not. In the WWE, we as an audience expect a long and dazzling battle complete with acrobatics and stiff shots.

In the UFC, if someone gets a fast victory over a legitimate fighter, it’s not scripted; it’s goddamn incredible. If Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader had a light saber fight that only lasted 16 seconds, we would all be disappointed because Star Wars is fictional and the writers have all the leeway in the world to create a war between those two. UFC is as real as it gets. It’s not pretty. It’s not dazzling. It’s just honest hardcore violence.

The phrase “don’t blink” has become used to many times in sports that it’s considered a cliché. And yet, for this match, it’s so true that you need Clockwork Orange eye bracers to keep from missing a single part of the match. And speaking of which, if Alex De Large watched this match while undergoing aversion therapy, the brutal violence would send his body into shock. No nausea, no shaking, no dizziness, just cardiac arrest.

Thank you, Ronda Rousey for putting on a judo clinic and giving the audience another reason to cheer for you. Thanks for doing it again at UFC 183 by defeating Cat Zingano in 14 seconds with a straight arm bar. If you’re going to watch a Ronda Rousey fight these days, make sure your watch has a second hand on it.

Devon Spirit Wolf

Being a referee in any sport is a thankless job, especially in the world of mixed-martial arts. If you make one tiny mistake as a referee, a firestorm of criticism will descend upon you like the end of the world is already upon us. You’ll catch shit from Dana White, Joe Rogan, the fans, the fighters, everybody. If you don’t believe me, ask referees like Steve Mazzigatti, Kim Winslow, Yves Lavigne, and just recently, Herb Dean. I don’t have a Twitter account, so I never know if these referees are lashing out against their critics. That’s why I’ve taken the liberty of creating a character that I hope to one day use in a future combat sports prose. Meet Devon Spirit Wolf. She’s Native American, she’s smoking hot, but best of all, she’s opinionated. In fact, she has her own blog called The Bitchy Referee. In this blog, she has a take no prisoners attitude and she doesn’t let anybody get away with murder. I know referees are supposed to be impartial, but Devon can get away with it because she lives in a fictional world were neutrality is bullshit. In one of her posts, she says that she has a lot of empathy for real world referee Kim Winslow. Kim is one of the most criticized referees in the business. Not because she makes controversial calls, but because she’s a woman. Think of all the “make me a sandwich” comments she had to endure over the internet, not to mention other renditions of the kitchen genre. Devon is also a woman and also doesn’t put up with sexism. She also doesn’t put up with transphobia either. In fact, when Matt Mitrione made his bigoted comments about Fallon Fox, Devon was the first to say that Matt secretly swung both ways and that he had a dress collection in his closet. Ouch! You know what else Devon Spirit Wolf hates? Pro-life zealots. She actually had an abortion when she was a teenager. She knows it’s not the most pleasant experience a woman can go through, but she also knows that a woman should never be shamed for it. Any other topics you’d like to throw in front of Devon Spirit Wolf’s face? She may be small enough to fit in Demetrious Johnson’s pockets, but she’ll kick anybody’s ass, whether it’s verbally or physically. She has a Brazilian Jujitsu black belt, so don’t piss her off. Now if only she can find a job in one of my stories. I already had one referee who was verbally animated and her name was Cheryl Glenn. I’m sure Devon Spirit Wolf will find work as well.

　

***DOMESTIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“If men want women to buy rape insurance, men should have to buy murder insurance.”

-Susan Wilson, the Deep Space Cowgirl-