Showing posts with label Stealing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stealing. Show all posts

Thursday, August 26, 2021

Run Like a Ninja

The growling in Ashley Garcia’s stomach resembled a demon thirsting for souls. She didn’t care if what she was doing was just as evil as that hell-spawn creature. A bowl of steaming hot ramen took priority over holy-rolling. A loaf of bread swimming in garlic butter was more important than praying on a medieval book for forgiveness. The rumbling in her stomach echoed in her brain like schizophrenia and even a wafer-thin mint would be a perfect antipsychotic. The rattling of her visible ribcage needed to be contained for good and the sacred scroll beneath her would be the key to that lock.


Being a Halfling afforded her the dexterity and balance that she needed to scale down the rope she threw down into the temple’s scroll room. Ashley didn’t want to go too fast for fear of alarming any monks, but slowing down wasn’t an option for her calloused hands and large dirt-covered feet. Just a few more inches, she told herself. A little more. Easy. Easy. Don’t make a sound. Don’t give the monks a reason to wheel kick a thief’s head off.


When she was close enough to drop to the wooden floor, she did so with a feather’s gentleness and breathed a silent sigh of relief. And just like that, the scroll was right there in front of her, resting easily on a piece of ceramic pottery. Ashley’s eyes widened and her hungry stomach settled in anticipation of the lunch money this would bring. When she snatched the scroll from its resting place, she didn’t even bother opening it up. She knew she had what she wanted. She knew any sucker would be lucky to buy such a holy artifact. Ashley would never starve again with this kind of money and that brought a smile to her gaunt face.


And then the sound of a dog growling permeated her fantasies and caused her to swallow a lump in her throat. Slowly she turned around to face the monk she pissed off the most: the captain of the guards himself, Yang Chow. 


He didn’t come armed with any weapons, because his limbs were destructive enough. He didn’t come with any harsh words, because his angry bulldog visage and monstrous growling said everything they needed to say. He didn’t come dressed in thick metal armor, because his red and orange robes were light enough to keep him nimble during times of combat. With his arms folded and his gorgon death eyes locked onto Ashley’s jittery form, it was time to get the fuck out of dodge.


Scroll tucked away in her back pocket, Ashley hopped up the rope and scaled as fast as she could. All the motivation to push her body beyond its limits came in the form of Yang barking up a storm and snapping his teeth like a bear trap. She was almost certain she would lose a foot to this maniacal dog demon. She was almost certain a piece of skin fell from her big toe. But she kept climbing even if it meant aggravating that wound and making it sting like a thousand wasps.


Ashley cursed to herself in a rapid-fire cadence as she made it to the rooftop, Yang still nipping at her heels. With the diagonal curvature of the temple’s roof, she knew this was a perfect time to curl into a ball and roll down the decline like a rogue wheel. And off she went, the shingles scraping against her skin the faster she rolled. Her back burned as though a volcano would erupt from her body, which was a better fate than having her head kicked off by a martial arts puppy-duppy. Still, his barks were no less distant than they were before. They just grew louder and more frustrated.


And then the sudden incline at the bottom of the roof launched her wheel-like body into the air and onto the busy streets below. Ashley landed with such grace that going splat on the concrete wasn’t even a possibility. But the minute she leapt to her feet, dizziness turned her brains into mush and her vision into a splotchy mess. She would have fallen on her ass if not for Yang’s barks becoming even louder than before. 


Even in a sloppy zigzag, she ran down the streets with the agility of a ninja warrior. She flipped over garbage cans. She baseball slid underneath an old man’s legs. She leapfrogged over a food delivery bicyclist and nearly knocked him over. Knowing Yang could chew her like bubblegum gave her the adrenaline boost she needed to run along the walls of a restaurant before flipping over a trolley.


Her heart thudded in her chest like a bomb ready to go off. Her brains rotted into mush on account of not giving herself a chance to recover from dizziness. Her legs and back burned as though someone had branded her with a glowing red iron. Her feet could have fallen off long before she got gangrene from not wearing shoes. And yet, Ashley kept on running and dodging. She leapfrogged over another bicyclist. She flipped over a guardrail. She ran along an awning that almost collapsed under her thunderous force.


Ashley had no destination in mind. She couldn’t even think clearly enough to come up with one, because Yang’s barks and growls were like a screwdriver shoved in her ears. When her eyes watered to the point of blindness and her mind faded to funeral blackness, she crashed face-first into a brick wall and flopped on her back, the sacred scroll rolling out of her grasp. The sound of her nose crunching resembled potato chips she would probably never know the taste of. She breathed heavily despite blood running down her nostrils. If overworking herself didn’t kill her, Yang surely would.


Her vision was obstructed by the heavy pus dumplings under her eyes, but even she knew Yang’s angry face when she saw it. There he was standing over her soon-to-be corpse, arms folded, scroll in hand. He reached down to Ashley, presumably to rip out her heart. Or the least likely scenario of them all, to pull her up to her feet. She could barely stand underneath the weight of body-shredding pain. She couldn’t even look Yang in the eyes, blackened pus pockets aside.


“Aren’t you at all curious as to what this scroll says?” asked Yang in an uncharacteristically soothing voice.


Ashley’s eyes widened in disbelief. “Um…what?”


“You mean to tell me that you stole this scroll from my temple and you don’t even know what it is?” Ashley tucked her head in shame. “Look at me, young lady.” Yang opened the scroll and revealed that they were coupons for restaurant food. Five gold pieces for two octopus burgers. Ten gold pieces for a gallon of broccoli cheese soup. Two packages of beef stew and rice for only one gold piece. Shame hit Ashley in the gut worse than any martial arts punch from Yang would have…even though she no longer expected him to beat her ass.


Yang knelt down to meet her Halfling level and put a hand on Ashley’s shoulder. “Young lady…you didn’t just steal a document hoping for a quick buck. You did it at the expense of other impoverished people like yourself. The temple where I work isn’t just a religious institution. It’s a shelter for those who need it the most. If you wanted the coupons, we would have shared them with you.”


Ashley’s tears stung her pus lumps like a scorpion tail. “I…I’m sorry…I’ll just…I’ll find another way to…” 


“Enough. I don’t need your apologies. I wouldn’t know what to do with them anyways.”


“What?...What do you mean?”


“Young lady…what you did was as rotten as the food you find the dumpster. It was evil. It was low even for a desperate street thief like yourself.” Ashley’s tears developed into little floods to mix with her nose blood, giving her the ultimate mask of guilt, shame, and defeat. But then Yang said…”I understand why you did it.”


“Huh? You do?”


“You think you’re the only one to try and steal from us? Look around you, young lady. The economy doesn’t favor the poor at all. Impoverished folk are unfairly categorized as lazy while the rich who live off of their backs are lionized to god status. To take the focus away from their own horrific deeds, the rich have the poor fight amongst themselves, steal from each other, treat every meal like it’s a competition. Stealing is the only life you’ve ever known, because you have no other way.”


“You don’t know a damn thing about me, dog man. I doubt you would trust me again if you knew what I was capable of. I’ve slit many throats just to stay alive. How do you know I won’t slit yours?”


“My martial arts training aside, you know deep down that slitting my throat wouldn’t bring you closer to another meal. Prison food doesn’t count. You deserve better than a prisoner’s life, young lady. When was the last time you even experienced a loving home?”


Ashley swatted Yang’s hand away. “Love? You think love is going to give me something to eat every day? You think it’s going to keep me from sleeping in a dumpster? What makes you think love is going to do anything for me?”


Staying true to his bulldog nature, Yang licked the tears and blood off of Ashley’s face, which made her produce even more tears. The more Yang licked, the more pieces Ashley’s heart broke into, which was saying a lot considering the near-death exercise she put herself through. In a rare act of gratitude and love, Ashley hugged her stubby arms around Yang’s neck, breaking into a full-on crying spell over his orange and red robe.


“Thank you, dog man. Thank you so much! Please, don’t leave me here!”


“I won’t, young lady. In spite of what the privileged believe, nobody gets left behind on my streets. Come with me. Let’s get some food in your stomach.”


The dog monk and Halfling thief walked hand in hand together, Ashley’s waterworks never once drying up. In a world that didn’t care about her, she found someone who did. Life was very much worth living even though she had to learn how to do so all over again. There would be no more thievery and dishonesty, because they weren’t necessary in a truly loving home.

Wednesday, April 15, 2020

Pants Down


Red-handed, pants around your feet
Dirty ass pasted to the toilet seat
Porno magazine covered in dude soup
Should I give you more time to regroup?
You got caught, you’re fucking busted
No need to have your fingerprints dusted
It’s your fault, own up to the mistake
Before I find one of your limbs to break
You’re sorry? Why do I not believe you?
I’m not the one who’s trying to deceive you
You spent a whole lifetime telling me lies
This is where I finally cut our damn ties
Pants down and fake tears on your face
As you scramble to find another place
Pants down and your whole life story
All of it is drama and none of it is glory
Pants down and Mary-Sue privilege
Nobody in town sees you as the villain
One day you’ll piss off the wrong guy
And he won’t care when you cry
Rest in pieces when you convert to Jesus
Bang on heaven’s gate for all four seasons
Stealing from me has all led up to this
I hope you enjoyed your riches and bliss
I know I enjoyed the lesson I just learned
That trust isn’t easy and must be earned
One strike and you’re out, get off the plate
Before I leave your nuts in a sterile state
Batter on deck, play baseball with your balls
Thunderous crack echoing off the walls
I’m in love with my newfound courage
As I finally pull these theater curtains
On toxic people and toxic friendships
On future prisoners, courtroom defendants
Somewhere over your heavenly rainbow
Is a lot more of the same old, same old

Sunday, July 23, 2017

You Tried to Kill Me

VERSE 1
You call it a trigger, I call it something bigger
I call you liquored, you’re the one who’s sicker
You tried to take away what I hold highest
My heart, mind, soul, and beautiful silence
Kleptomancy is your magic of choice
Obnoxious bullhorn is your style of voice
I would have screamed to the skies for help
How can anyone hear when I’m chained in hell?

CHORUS 1
You tried to kill me!
You tried to end it all!
You tried to kill me!
You made me take the fall!

VERSE 2
Your empty talk is like a buzzing wasp
Stinging me until my brain goes pop
Pop goes the weasel, down go the people
You make fun of everyone? That’s your spiel?
I don’t buy the idea that this shit’s not personal
You wished me humiliated, wished me terminal
I want to wrap my hands around your pencil neck
Watch shit and piss run down your fucking leg

CHORUS 2
You tried to kill me!
You tried to end my life!
You tried to kill me!
You might as well pull the knife!

VERSE 3
I want to take your inner demons
Turn them against you to make us even
Every ass kicking you have ever taken
Every sad-ass smile you’re just now faking
Every time you were told to go to hell
Every time the crowd laughed when you fell
You’re in my shoes, you’re singing the blues
To say otherwise is nothing but fake news

CHORUS 3
I tried to kill you!
Put your memories to rest!
I tried to kill you!
Make you famous, not like the rest!
You tried to kill me!
You tried to make me small!
You tried to kill me!
How does it feel to curl in a ball?!

You tried to kill me!