Chef Nash, Giant Antagonist from "Emilio & Marigold"

 

Valenceo Styler, flashy heel wrestler from "Seven Star Reads"

 

Loki the Skull, Bodily Vessel for Harrison Gaines's Ghost in "Rainbow Ranch"

 

"Curb Stomp" Kirby Lawler, Axle's Enforcer from "The Accusers"

 

Connor Stone, Evil CEO from "Be a Good Duck"

 

Axle Whiterock, Patriarch of the Titular Cult "The Accusers"

 

Upcoming Character Drawings

Well…you guys saw my political cartoons and hopefully you’ve enjoyed them so far. Now I’m going to start uploading drawings of my characters, particularly ones who will appear in my two novelette collections Lysergic Fairytales and Tacky Tuesday. When I’ll finish the damn stories, I’ll never know, because schizophrenia’s been fucking with my energy and my general wellbeing. I’m drawing characters as a way of keeping hope alive. I will finish my writing someday, even if I have to take forever to mentally heal. Until then…meet the cast and crew!

Murder Nuts the Clown

 

Lionize the Bad Guy

VERSE 1

He’s got a whole ass file on his favorite chicky

Face Book bikini picks gives him a sticky dicky

Send her a thousand letters, give the envelope a licky

Beat her man with driftwood or make the gun go clicky-clicky

It’s society that made him a little sicky-sicky

Hurry and say sorry, ‘cause time is ticky-ticky

Moral grayness is always tricky-tricky

That’s why you can never be too picky-picky

 

CHORUS

Lionize the bad guy

It’s everyone else’s fault

That he’s such a sad guy

Now the spinning world has come to a halt

 

VERSE 2

Everyone’s favorite story is when zero turns to hero

Might get a good review from some dude named Shapiro

Might become the manifesto of some basement-dwelling weirdo

Might become the ammunition to break the attrition

 

CHORUS

Lionize the bad guy

It’s everyone else’s fault

That he’s such a sad guy

Now the spinning world has come to a halt

 

VERSE 3

Who do you let play with your brain like clay?

They’ve lost their way, it’s as clear as day

They made you laugh, made you cry a long time ago

Now you’re swimming in tears, they’re rolling in dough

Money’s kind of funny in the way it controls everything

Who gets the cardboard box, who gets the brass ring?

It’s the same ring you put your lips on before their boots

All because you found toxic romance to be cute

 

EXTENDED CHORUS

Lionize the bad guy

It’s everyone else’s fault

That he’s such a sad guy

Now the spinning world has come to a halt

Demonize the tearful

They’re always just so sensitive

And always so fearful

In a world that pisses away evidence

 

FINAL LINE

Goodnight, my supreme gentlemen. And always remember: it’s never your fault.

The Frowning Quokka

VERSE 1

A species of animal that was born to smile

Quokkas got fur and a whole lot of style

Lined up like chess pieces for their photo op

Here comes the flash bulbs and the crowd pop

Nothing could go wrong in the land of ear scratches

There’s no fine print and there are no catches

Rub their fuzzy bellies and feed them cherry pie

Laugh and have fun, ‘cause it’s a heavenly high

VERSE 2

But there’s always one who’s having a bad time

With a face sourer than a lemon and lime

Because he was different, he was made the villain

Gave seniors heart attacks, scared away the children

Nobody asked him if he was feeling alright

They assumed he was toxic like a pandemic blight

The frowning quokka had opinions of his own

But it’s hard to tell the story with a burned out tone

VERSE 3

While his smiling brethren danced on without him

He sat in the darkness playing music so grim

The tears wouldn’t come, because they’re not manly

Only the freaks could do it, they’re already uncanny

Remembering a childhood of leather belt beatings

A horny ex-wife who he divorced for cheating

A lifetime of pets that have crossed the Rainbow Bridge

Stress-eating every meal like he had an endless fridge

VERSE 4

Life is always easy when there’s someone to talk to

But instead there’s an army of strangers to mock you

“You look like you’ve got a bug stuck in your ass

You look like you’ve got a giant food baby to pass

You’ve got Small Dick Energy for years on end”

And then they wonder why you don’t want to pretend

That everything is okay in your fiery underworld

Got your finger on the trigger, never leave it uncurled

BRIDGE

Bang, bang! Now they’re going to die!

Bang, bang! And they still wonder why!

Bang, bang! Quokka genocide, bitch!

Bang, bang! Leave them all in a ditch!

Boohoo! Now there’s no turning back!

Boohoo! Put a clip in your mag!

Boohoo! Now you know what to do!

Say goodbye to a world that you never knew!

Bang, bang!

Christian Savage

=========================================

THE BASICS

=========================================

Name: Christian Savage

Nicknames: Hawk-Eye

Gender: Male

Age: 33

Birth Date: 467 AM

Birth Place: Morgan Town

Currently Living In: Shadow Asylum Headquarters

Species: Human

Ethnicity / Race: White

Citizenship: Honey Valley

Religion / Beliefs: Right-Winger

=========================================

FAMILY

=========================================

Father: Cletus Savage

Age: Dead

Relationship: Strict

Mother: Unknown Rape Victim

Age: Unknown

Relationship: Never Known

Twin Brother: Kody Savage

Age: 33

Relationship: Close-Knit

Cousin: Kyle Savage

Age: 29

Relationship: Close-Knit

=========================================

PHYSICAL FEATURES:

=========================================

Height: 6’3”

Weight: 210 lbs.

Frame / Build: Athletic

Hair length: Bald

Hair color: Blackish Brown

Eye shape: Wide

Eye color: Hazel

Complexion: Dirty

Face size: Round

Voice type: Mute (but with throaty groans and grunts)

Foot size: 13 Men’s

Tattoo(s): Dagger on Forehead

Scar(s): Bruises and slashes from fighting

Other notable accessories: None

Any other identifying mark(s): Long Goatee

=========================================

SOCIO / ECONOMIC / POLITICAL

=========================================

Political Affiliation: Conservative

Economic Class: Green-Collar

Social Class: Freelancer

Occupation: Mercenary

Income: Upper Class

Residence: Morgan Town

Transportation: Sometimes Horses

=========================================

INTERESTS

=========================================

Favorite Food(s): Barbecue Wings and Beer

Favorite Sport(s): Football and Cage Fighting

Favorite Book(s): None

Favorite Show(s): TV isn’t a thing yet

Favorite Music: Gongs

Favorite Color(s): Red and Black

Clothing Style / Preferences: Red Tunic, Black Pants, and Leather Boots (Shadow Asylum Uniform)

Hobbies: Pranks, Setting off Fireworks, Taxidermy, and Hunting

Role Model(s): Orpheus Rinehart

Likes: Brutality, punch-down comedy, torturing people, and bullying

Dislikes: “Pussies”, women, elves, and bad food

=========================================

PERSONALITY

=========================================

Good Qualities / Trait(s): Sadistic fighter, loyal to Rinehart, intimidating, and scary

Vices / Negative Trait(s): Mute, too destructive, easy anger, and alcoholism

Habits / Idiosyncrasies / Quirks: Drooling, chewing tobacco, and spitting

Phobia / Fears: Gay people, beatings from his father, and pissing off Rinehart

Select one personality type below that best describes your character:

PROTECTORS

[X] Defender (ISFJ) – Puts the needs of others before themselves, to a point where they tend to give more than they receive. Quiet and conscientious. Modest and tends to be a spectator. They do what is expected of them without attracting attention to themselves. Sensitive to the feelings of others, and has a very good memory, especially when it comes to observing other people. Can be easily hurt. Very painstaking when it comes to detail.

Define your character’s personality based on the following aspects:

a. Physically: Terrifying, off-putting, ugly on the outside and inside

b. Psychologically: Sadistic, hateful, murderous, psychotic

c. Spiritually: Hates religion

d. Emotionally: Angry and numb

e. Socially: People are afraid of him and that includes his coworkers

Others things to know:

=========================================

HISTORY

=========================================

1. Describe the character’s childhood. The sons of a nameless rape victim, Christian and Kody had toxic masculinity beaten into them at a young age, contributing to their mute and lifeless expressions. They eventually killed their own abusive father and impressed Rinehart to where he wanted to recruit them.

2. Name the good incidents that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? Playing immature pranks and playing football have given them sadistic joy.

3. Name bad experiences that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? The physical abuse he and Kody suffered at their father’s hands turned them into mutes. They in turn became more sadistic, hence why they killed their father.

4. What is the character doing when first introduced? What are his goals at this point?

4a. Do these goals change at any point in the story? He and Kody are fighting with Tarja Rikkinen in Rinehart’s office over who gets the task of bringing Windham Xavier back to home base. The battle ends when the twins accidentally knock over Rinehart’s bookshelf full of business ledgers. Instead of joining Rinehart on his mission, they are in charge of torturing prisoners.

=========================================

STORY DEVELOPMENT:

=========================================

CHARACTER ARCHETYPE: (Put an X on all applicable boxes)

[X] Addict (Conspicuous Consumer, Glutton, Workaholic–see also Gambler)

[X] Antagonist (Opposing View, not necessarily the Evil Bad — see also Villain)

[X] Athlete (Olympian)

[X] Bully (Coward)

[X] Destroyer (Attila, Mad Scientist, Serial Killer, Spoiler)

[X] Threshold Guardian

[X] Trickster (Puck, Provocateur)

[X] Victim

[X] Villain / Shadow (Big Bad of the story; see also Antagonist)

[X] Warrior (Soldier, Crime Fighter, Amazon, Mercenary, Soldier of Fortune, Gunslinger, Samurai)

1. What are the motivations for the character’s actions? Satisfying sadistic urges and getting amusement out of it.

2. What are the character’s goals / ambition / dreams? To make money torturing and bullying people so that the twins can spend it all on beer and wings.

3. What external conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? Tarja and Windham outsmart and outfight the twins just to stay alive. Their plan is to be even more frightening and sadistic than before. Rinehart’s bootstraps mentality contributes to this.

4. What inner conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? Christian wants to forget about his father’s abuse, but can only do so whenever he’s torturing his victims and getting those dopamine blasts.

=========================================

AUTHOR’S NOTES / MISCELLANY

=========================================

Character theme song: “Torture” by Cavalera Conspiracy

Celebrity / IRL lookalike: A more disgusting Luke Gallows

Bijou Birdwing

=========================================

THE BASICS

=========================================

Name: Bijou Birdwing

Nicknames: Little Birdie

Gender: Cisgender Female

Age: 27

Birth Date: 473 AM

Birth Place: Xavier Village

Currently Living In: Drifter

Species: Elf

Ethnicity / Race: Green skin

Citizenship: Honey Valley

Religion / Beliefs: Conspiracy theorist

=========================================

FAMILY

=========================================

Father: Unknown

Age: Unknown

Relationship: Absent

Mother: Betsy Birdwing

Age: Unknown

Relationship: Abandonment

Sister: Juliet Birdwing

Age: 32

Relationship: Abandonment

=========================================

PHYSICAL FEATURES:

=========================================

Height: 5’5”

Weight: 100 lbs.

Frame / Build: Frail

Hair length: Scraggly

Hair color: Brunette

Eye shape: Milky

Eye color: Purple

Complexion: Early wrinkles

Face size: Narrow

Voice type: Screeching

Foot size: Women’s 7

Tattoo(s): None

Scar(s): Facial bruises

Any other identifying mark(s): Missing teeth

=========================================

SOCIO / ECONOMIC / POLITICAL

=========================================

Political Affiliation: Unaffiliated

Economic Class: Drifter

Social Class: Impoverished

Occupation: Drifter

Income: Whatever she begs for

Residence: None

Transportation: Feet

=========================================

INTERESTS

=========================================

Favorite Food(s): Bananas and apple sauce

Favorite Sport: Doesn’t watch sports

Favorite Book: Can’t read

Favorite Show: TV isn’t a thing yet

Favorite Music: Violin

Favorite Colors: Gray and black

Clothing Style / Preferences: Torn leather vest, dirty pants, and ripped sandals

Hobbies: Playing pool, using recreational drugs, and throwing darts

Role Model(s): The voices in her head

Likes: Sunny days and lying on the beach

Dislikes: Rainy weather and having to sleep in garbage bins

=========================================

PERSONALITY

=========================================

Good Qualities / Trait(s): Potential for creativity and storytelling skills

Vices / Negative Trait(s): Schizophrenia, universal distrust, quick anger, and addiction

Strengths: Good fighter, intimidating, and strong survival instincts

Weaknesses: Criticism, legitimate authority, submitting to head voices, abandonment trauma

Habits / Idiosyncrasies / Quirks: Shaking and head snapping

Phobia / Fears: Getting too attached only to be let down again

Loves: Independence and disrespecting authority

Hates: Llewellyn Xavier, her sister, her parents, and anybody who tries to help her

Select one personality type below that best describes your character:

Originator (ENFP) – Inventive and idea people. Love to argue to show off their skills and intelligence. Prefers the startup phase of a project where the risks and problems are greater, than turning over the lead to someone else once these are solved. Enthusiastic, idealistic, and creative. Great people skills. Excited by new ideas, but bored with details. Open-minded and flexible, and able to make others enthusiastic over their ideas and projects.

Define your character’s personality based on the following aspects:

a. Physically: Offensive appearance and poor hygiene

b. Psychologically: Psychotic and brash

c. Spiritually: Worships the voices in her head and doesn’t want to lose her “last friends left”

d. Emotionally: Quick to anger and cries easily out of frustration

e. Socially: Llewellyn pities her and wants to help while most Morgan Town citizens despise her

=========================================

HISTORY

=========================================

1. Describe the character’s childhood. Bijou spent most of her life in poverty due to her mother being locked up in Morgan Town and her sister selling out to the Atwood Queendom. The trauma and self-blame led her to developing schizophrenia and drifting from town to town without a life plan. She has a strong distrust of anybody who would dare take her “friends” away.

2. Name the good incidents that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped her personality? Before her sister abandoned her, they would play with dolls together and that shaped Bijou’s creative potential (which eventually went to waste).

3. Name bad experiences that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped her personality? Abandonment led to trauma and psychosis, which in turn led to a mass distrust of anybody getting near her. Her distrust was validated in the form of beatings from Morgan Town’s snobby citizens when she asked them for money.

4. What is the character doing when first introduced? What are her goals at this point? Do these goals change at any point in the story? Bijou reluctantly attends a Magetan sermon conducted by Llewellyn and has an episode at the end of it. Her goal is to survive another day on her own without help from her elven brethren. The goal changes to wanting to assassinate Llewellyn for what Bijou describes as “smothering behavior”.

=========================================

STORY DEVELOPMENT:

=========================================

CHARACTER ARCHETYPE: (Put an X on all applicable boxes)

[X] Addict (Conspicuous Consumer, Glutton, Workaholic–see also Gambler)

[X] Antagonist (Opposing View, not necessarily the Evil Bad — see also Villain)

[X] Beggar (Homeless person/ Indigent)

[X] Saboteur

[X] Seeker (Wanderer, Vagabond, Nomad)

[X] Storyteller (Minstrel, Narrator)

[X] Thief (Swindler, Con Artist, Pickpocket, Burglar, Robin Hood)

[X] Trickster (Puck, Provocateur)

[X] Turncoat

[X] Victim

[X] Villain / Shadow (Big Bad of the story; see also Antagonist)

1. What are the motivations for the character’s actions? The voices in her head and a strong distrust of everyone around her.

2. What are the character’s goals / ambition / dreams? To survive another day and prove that she can make it on her own, that she never needed Juliet or anyone else.

3. What external conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? Find a way to assassinate Llewellyn Xavier. She can’t, because she knows she’ll be caught and forced to go to therapy.

4. What inner conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? Pleasing her head voices. They’re so negative that they’re never really satisfied and it’s a continuous cycle of anger and abuse.

Character theme song: “My Own Hell” by Five Finger Death Punch

Guy Hogan

 =========================================

THE BASICS

=========================================

Name: Guy Hogan

Nicknames: Sheriff, Lone Star

Gender: Cisgender Male

Age: 52

Birth Date: 448 AM

Birth Place: Morgan Town

Currently Living In: Morgan Town

Species: Human

Ethnicity / Race: White

Citizenship: Honey Valley

Religion / Beliefs: Right-Winger

=========================================

FAMILY

=========================================

Father: Bart Hogan

Age: Dead

Relationship: Spoiled

Mother: Lisa Hogan

Age: Dead

Relationship: Spoiled

=========================================

PHYSICAL FEATURES:

=========================================

Height: 5’11”

Weight: 287 lbs.

Frame / Build: Chubby

Hair length: Long bald horseshoe

Hair color: Brown

Eye shape: Round

Eye color: Blue

Complexion: Fair

Face size: Jowly

Voice type: Grating

Foot size: 15 Men’s

Tattoo(s): None

Scar(s): Possum bite on his finger

Other notable accessories: Golden Hoop Earrings

Any other identifying mark(s): Bushy beard

=========================================

SOCIO / ECONOMIC / POLITICAL

=========================================

Political Affiliation: Conservative

Economic Class: Rich

Social Class: Law Enforcement

Occupation: Sheriff of Morgan Town

Income: High (including bribes)

Residence: Morgan Town

Transportation: Feet

=========================================

INTERESTS

=========================================

Favorite Food(s): Ham Sandwich

Favorite Sport(s): Cage Fighting

Favorite Book(s): Doesn’t read

Favorite Show(s): TV isn’t around yet

Favorite Music: Doesn’t like music

Favorite Color(s): Brown and red

Clothing Style / Preferences: Sheriff vest, baggy pants, knee boots, and plume hat

Hobbies: Playing pool, gambling, and cooking

Role Model(s): His parents and Orpheus Rinehart

Likes: Bribes, dessert, always getting his way, living comfortably, bullying poor people

Dislikes: Aforementioned poor people, elves, libraries, women who resist him

=========================================

PERSONALITY

=========================================

Good Qualities / Trait(s): Powerful, influential, and a spotless arrest record

Vices / Negative Trait(s): Spoiled, racist, can’t take criticism, and easily angered

Strengths: Power, influence, and good in combat

Weaknesses: Tires easily due to his obesity and is unmotivated if money isn’t involved

Habits / Idiosyncrasies / Quirks: Farts, chuckles, and burps

Phobia / Fears: Elves, lacking control, and riots

Select one personality type below that best describes your character:

PROTECTORS

[X] Overseer (ESTJ) – Thrives on facts and details. Has a clear set of standards and beliefs. They are hardworking, responsible, and self-confident. They rely on experiences rather than speculation, and make decisions based on these. Very good at enforcing laws and rules. Loyal and hard-working. Like to be in charge. Very organized, tends to be a stickler for the rules.

Define your character’s personality based on the following aspects:

a. Physically: Intimidating, commands authority

b. Psychologically: Spoiled rotten, hair-trigger temper

c. Spiritually: Makes fun of Magetans

d. Emotionally: Spoiled rotten

e. Socially: Despite his off-putting and obnoxious nature, he still commands obedience

=========================================

HISTORY

=========================================

1. Describe the character’s childhood. Guy Hogan grew up with rich parents who gave him everything he ever wanted while very rarely saying no to him. He developed a god complex in his teenaged years, which led him to running for Sheriff and winning. Now he takes bribes to feed his spoiled child habit while doing very little to protect the disenfranchised.

2. Name the good incidents that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? He got to eat as much as he wanted, especially at his birthday parties.

3. Name bad experiences that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? Because he was never told no, he never formed empathy for other people and became the selfish sheriff that he is.

4. What is the character doing when first introduced? What are his goals at this point? He’s accepting a bribe from Christian Savage to let his beat-down of Tarja Rikkinen go unnoticed. His goal is to continue to live comfortably and hopefully use his influence to get laid someday.

4a. Do these goals change at any point in the story? He firmly sides with Shadow Asylum when the heat gets hot. He’ll do whatever they want him to do whether they pay him or not.

=========================================

STORY DEVELOPMENT:

=========================================

CHARACTER ARCHETYPE: (Put an X on all applicable boxes)

[] Addict (Conspicuous Consumer, Glutton, Workaholic–see also Gambler)

[] Advocate (Attorney, Defender, Legislator, Lobbyist, Environmentalist)

[] Alchemist (Wizard, Magician, Scientist, Inventor–see also Visionary)

[] Angel (Fairy Godmother/Godfather)

[X] Antagonist (Opposing View, not necessarily the Evil Bad — see also Villain)

[] Anti-Hero

[] Artist (Artisan, Craftsperson, Sculptor, Weaver)

[] Athlete (Olympian)

[] Avenger (Avenging Angel, Savior, Messiah)

[] Beggar (Homeless person/ Indigent)

[X] Bully (Coward)

[] Catalyst

[] Child (Orphan, Wounded, Magical/Innocent, Nature, Divine, Puer/Puella Eternis, or Eternal Boy/Girl)

[] Clown (Court Jester, Fool, Dummling)

[] Companion (Friend, Sidekick, Right Arm, Consort)

[] Damsel (Princess)

[] Destroyer (Attila, Mad Scientist, Serial Killer, Spoiler)

[X] Detective (Spy, Double Agent, Sleuth, Snoop, Sherlock Holmes, Private Investigator, Profiler–see also Warrior/Crime Fighter)

[] Dilettante (Amateur)

[] Don Juan (Casanova, Gigolo, Seducer, Sex Addict)

[] Engineer (Architect, Builder, Schemer)

[] Exorcist (Shaman)

[] Father (Patriarch, Progenitor)

[] Femme Fatale (Black Widow, Flirt, Siren, Circe, Seductress, Enchantress)

[X] Gambler

[] God (Adonis, see also Hero)

[] Gossip (see also Networker)

[] Guide (Guru, Sage, Crone, Wise Woman, Spiritual Master, Evangelist, Preacher)

[] Healer (Wounded Healer, Intuitive Healer, Caregiver, Nurse, Therapist, Analyst, Counselor)

[X] Hedonist (Bon Vivant, Chef, Gourmet, Gourmand, Sybarite–see also Mystic)

[] Hermit (see also Wise old Man)

[] Hero/Heroine (see also Knight, Warrior)

[] Judge (Critic, Examiner, Mediator, Arbitrator)

[] King (Emperor, Ruler, Leader, Chief — see also Politician)

[] Knight in Shining Armor

[] Liberator

[] Lover

[] Martyr

[] Mediator (Ambassador, Diplomat, Go-Between)

[] Mentor (Master, Counselor, Tutor)

[] Messiah (Redeemer, Savior)

[] Midas/Miser

[] Monk/Nun (Celibate)

[] Mother (Matriarch, Mother Nature)

[] Mystic (Renunciate, Anchorite, Hermit)

[] Networker (Messenger, Herald, Courier, Journalist, Communicator)

[] Pioneer (Explorer, Settler, Pilgrim, Innovator)

[] Poet

[X] Politician (see also King)

[] Priest (Priestess, Minister, Rabbi, Evangelist)

[] Prince

[] Prostitute

[] Queen (Empress)

[] Rebel (Anarchist, Revolutionary, Political Protester, Nonconformist, Pirate)

[] Rescuer

[] Saboteur

[] Samaritan

[] Scribe (Copyist, Secretary, Accountant–see also Journalist)

[] Seeker (Wanderer, Vagabond, Nomad)

[] Servant (Indentured Servant)

[] Shape-shifter (Spell-caster–see also Trickster)

[] Slave

[] Spectre (Ghost / Apparition with Unresolved issues)

[] Storyteller (Minstrel, Narrator)

[] Student / Scholar (Disciple, Devotee, Follower, Apprentice)

[] Teacher (Instructor, see also Mentor)

[] Thief (Swindler, Con Artist, Pickpocket, Burglar, Robin Hood)

[] Threshold Guardian

[] Trickster (Puck, Provocateur)

[X] Turncoat

[] Vampire

[] Victim

[X] Villain / Shadow (Big Bad of the story; see also Antagonist)

[] Virgin (see also Celibate)

[] Visionary (Dreamer, Prophet, Seer–see also Guide, Alchemist)

[] Warrior (Soldier, Crime Fighter, Amazon, Mercenary, Soldier of Fortune, Gunslinger, Samurai)

[] Wise old Man (see also Hermit)

1. What are the motivations for the character’s actions? Living easy and always wanting more than he already has, which is a lot.

2. What are the character’s goals / ambition / dreams? To have his own castle despite never being royalty

3. What external conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? Bully as many naysayers as he can, including elves.

3a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? He has to keep up the illusion that he is a sheriff and not a crook with a badge, so his dealings have to be subtle.

4. What inner conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? Satisfying his genocidal nature and resisting criticism.

4a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? His opponents are more physically fit and generally better fighters than him, which he can always nullify with a Devon Bay firearm.

=========================================

AUTHOR’S NOTES / MISCELLANY

=========================================

Character theme song: “Bad to the Bone” by George Thorogood and the Destroyers

Celebrity / IRL lookalike: The Bastion Booger

Torger Manson

=========================================

THE BASICS

=========================================

Name: Torger Manson

Nicknames: Big T

Gender: Cisgender Male

Age: 36

Birth Date: 464

Birth Place: Devon Bay

Currently Living In: Atwood Castle

Species: Human

Ethnicity / Race: White

Citizenship: Atwood Queendom

Religion / Beliefs: Right-Winger

=========================================

FAMILY

=========================================

Father: Dagger Manson

Age: Dead

Relationship: Neglect

Mother: Ginger Manson

Age: Dead

Relationship: Manipulative

Step-Sister: Shelly Atwood

Age: 40

Relationship: Obedience

=========================================

PHYSICAL FEATURES:

=========================================

Height: 7’3

Weight: 350 lbs.

Frame / Build: Tall and Muscular

Hair length: Upper back

Hair color: Black

Eye shape: Wide

Eye color: Hazel

Complexion: Pale

Face size (broad, narrow, etc.): Gaunt

Voice type: Husky

Foot size: 21 Men’s

Tattoo(s): Cutlass on his chest

Scar(s): Bruised and calloused hands from cage fighting

Other notable accessories: Beard

=========================================

SOCIO / ECONOMIC / POLITICAL

=========================================

Political Affiliation: Right-Wing

Economic Class: Rich

Social Class: Nobility

Occupation: Bodyguard

Income: Rich

Residence: Atwood Castle

Transportation: Feet

=========================================

INTERESTS

=========================================

Favorite Food(s): Steak

Favorite Sport(s): Bodybuilding

Favorite Book(s): Doesn’t read

Favorite Show(s): TV hasn’t been invented yet

Favorite Music: War drums

Favorite Color(s): Black, brown, and gray

Clothing Style / Preferences: Brown leather pants and green bandolier

Hobbies: Weightlifting, cooking, and fur upholstering

Role Model(s): Shelly Atwood

Likes: Getting laid, beating people up, eating meat, drinking beer

Dislikes: Romance novels, vegetarians, shaving, being dominated (by men)

=========================================

PERSONALITY

=========================================

Good Qualities / Trait(s): Intimidation, commands respect, business-minded

Vices / Negative Trait(s): Simping, overbearingly harsh, clunky

Strengths: Muscular, tough, rarely needs help in combat

Weaknesses: Too proud to admit defeat, generational trauma, mixes business with pleasure

Habits / Idiosyncrasies / Quirks: Folded arms and death stare, knuckle cracking

Phobia / Fears: Being viewed as weak, being dominated by men, being punished for insubordination

Select one personality type below that best describes your character:

PROTECTORS

[X] Defender (ISFJ) – Puts the needs of others before themselves, to a point where they tend to give more than they receive. Quiet and conscientious. Modest and tends to be a spectator. They do what is expected of them without attracting attention to themselves. Sensitive to the feelings of others, and has a very good memory, especially when it comes to observing other people. Can be easily hurt. Very painstaking when it comes to detail.

Define your character’s personality based on the following aspects:

a. Physically (outward interaction with his environment, personal strengths): Intimidating

b. Psychologically (intellect, mental stability, morality): Easily pissed off

c. Spiritually (his faith, convictions): Mocks the Magetan religion for their vegetarian diets

d. Emotionally (willpower, under stressful situations, expressiveness): Wants Shelly (and beautiful women in general) to notice him

e. Socially (how others view him, how he interacts with people): He’s tender with women and violent towards men

Others things to know:

=========================================

HISTORY

=========================================

1. Describe the character’s childhood. Torger was born and bred to be a cage fighter and has had success from an early age due to his freakish size. His biggest fear back then was losing matches and pissing off his parents, who would emotionally abuse him for doing so. His parents eventually divorced and his father married into the Atwood Queendom, thus making Torger and Shelly step-siblings. Torger took his approval-seeking baggage with him into his partnership with Shelly and has been a bodyguard to her ever since.

2. Name the good incidents that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? Anytime he would win cage fights, his parents would celebrate with a massive steak dinner in his honor.

3. Name bad experiences that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? Anytime he would lose, his mother would berate him to the point of tears while his neglectful father blindly agreed with his mother.

4. What is the character doing when first introduced? What are his goals at this point? He’s kidnapping an elven woman to sell into sex slavery, but is interrupted by Windham. He ends up kidnapping Windham instead. His goal is to keep the business going and generally keep Shelly happy.

4a. Do these goals change at any point in the story? Friction develops between him and Shelly, so his goal now is to do damage control. He eventually wants to retire and run his own cage fighting league.

=========================================

STORY DEVELOPMENT:

=========================================

CHARACTER ARCHETYPE: (Put an X on all applicable boxes)

[] Addict (Conspicuous Consumer, Glutton, Workaholic–see also Gambler)

[] Advocate (Attorney, Defender, Legislator, Lobbyist, Environmentalist)

[] Alchemist (Wizard, Magician, Scientist, Inventor–see also Visionary)

[] Angel (Fairy Godmother/Godfather)

[] Antagonist (Opposing View, not necessarily the Evil Bad — see also Villain)

[] Anti-Hero

[] Artist (Artisan, Craftsperson, Sculptor, Weaver)

[X] Athlete (Olympian)

[] Avenger (Avenging Angel, Savior, Messiah)

[] Beggar (Homeless person/ Indigent)

[X] Bully (Coward)

[] Catalyst

[] Child (Orphan, Wounded, Magical/Innocent, Nature, Divine, Puer/Puella Eternis, or Eternal Boy/Girl)

[] Clown (Court Jester, Fool, Dummling)

[] Companion (Friend, Sidekick, Right Arm, Consort)

[] Damsel (Princess)

[X] Destroyer (Attila, Mad Scientist, Serial Killer, Spoiler)

[] Detective (Spy, Double Agent, Sleuth, Snoop, Sherlock Holmes, Private Investigator, Profiler–see also Warrior/Crime Fighter)

[] Dilettante (Amateur)

[X] Don Juan (Casanova, Gigolo, Seducer, Sex Addict)

[] Engineer (Architect, Builder, Schemer)

[] Exorcist (Shaman)

[] Father (Patriarch, Progenitor)

[] Femme Fatale (Black Widow, Flirt, Siren, Circe, Seductress, Enchantress)

[] Gambler

[] God (Adonis, see also Hero)

[] Gossip (see also Networker)

[] Guide (Guru, Sage, Crone, Wise Woman, Spiritual Master, Evangelist, Preacher)

[] Healer (Wounded Healer, Intuitive Healer, Caregiver, Nurse, Therapist, Analyst, Counselor)

[] Hedonist (Bon Vivant, Chef, Gourmet, Gourmand, Sybarite–see also Mystic)

[] Hermit (see also Wise old Man)

[] Hero/Heroine (see also Knight, Warrior)

[] Judge (Critic, Examiner, Mediator, Arbitrator)

[] King (Emperor, Ruler, Leader, Chief — see also Politician)

[] Knight in Shining Armor

[] Liberator

[] Lover

[] Martyr

[] Mediator (Ambassador, Diplomat, Go-Between)

[] Mentor (Master, Counselor, Tutor)

[] Messiah (Redeemer, Savior)

[] Midas/Miser

[] Monk/Nun (Celibate)

[] Mother (Matriarch, Mother Nature)

[] Mystic (Renunciate, Anchorite, Hermit)

[] Networker (Messenger, Herald, Courier, Journalist, Communicator)

[] Pioneer (Explorer, Settler, Pilgrim, Innovator)

[] Poet

[] Politician (see also King)

[] Priest (Priestess, Minister, Rabbi, Evangelist)

[] Prince

[] Prostitute

[] Queen (Empress)

[] Rebel (Anarchist, Revolutionary, Political Protester, Nonconformist, Pirate)

[] Rescuer

[] Saboteur

[] Samaritan

[] Scribe (Copyist, Secretary, Accountant–see also Journalist)

[] Seeker (Wanderer, Vagabond, Nomad)

[X] Servant (Indentured Servant)

[] Shape-shifter (Spell-caster–see also Trickster)

[] Slave

[] Spectre (Ghost / Apparition with Unresolved issues)

[] Storyteller (Minstrel, Narrator)

[] Student / Scholar (Disciple, Devotee, Follower, Apprentice)

[] Teacher (Instructor, see also Mentor)

[] Thief (Swindler, Con Artist, Pickpocket, Burglar, Robin Hood)

[] Threshold Guardian

[] Trickster (Puck, Provocateur)

[] Turncoat

[] Vampire

[] Victim

[X] Villain / Shadow (Big Bad of the story; see also Antagonist)

[] Virgin (see also Celibate)

[] Visionary (Dreamer, Prophet, Seer–see also Guide, Alchemist)

[X] Warrior (Soldier, Crime Fighter, Amazon, Mercenary, Soldier of Fortune, Gunslinger, Samurai)

[] Wise old Man (see also Hermit)

1. What are the motivations for the character’s actions? Approval and praise for being a “manly man” and getting the job done

2. What are the character’s goals / ambition / dreams? Like I said, retire and run his own cage fighting organization

3. What external conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? Enslave as many elves as possible so that he can earn enough to make his dreams come true

3a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? Being hindered by Shelly’s leadership. Also, he can’t take on every elf by himself.

4. What inner conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? Shutting up his mother’s head voice by constantly being the best at what he does.

4a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? Head voices don’t shut up; they just keep talking and talking and talking.

=========================================

AUTHOR’S NOTES / MISCELLANY

=========================================

Character theme song: “Killpop” by Slipknot

Celebrity / IRL lookalike: a taller version of Drew McIntyre

Orpheus Rinehart

=========================================

THE BASICS

=========================================

Name: Orpheus Rinehart

Nicknames: Commander, White Snake

Gender: Cisgender Male

Age: 50

Birth Date: 450 AM

Birth Place: Morgan Town

Currently Living In: Shadow Asylum Headquarters

Species: Human

Ethnicity / Race: White

Citizenship: Morgan Town

Religion / Beliefs: Far Right Capitalist

=========================================

FAMILY

=========================================

Father: Miller Rinehart

Age: Dead

Relationship: Abusive

Mother: Quinn Rinehart

Age: Dead

Relationship: Protective

=========================================

PHYSICAL FEATURES:

=========================================

Height: 6’5”

Weight: 350 lbs.

Frame / Build: Chunky

Hair length: Horseshoe with a Long Dreadlocked Beard

Hair color: Brown

Eye shape: Wide

Eye color: Hazel

Complexion: Dirty

Face size (broad, narrow, etc.): Round

Voice type: Angry

Foot size: 17 Men’s

Tattoo(s): “Death Before Dishonor” on his arm

Scar(s): Burn marks from childhood

Other notable accessories: None

Any other identifying mark(s): None

=========================================

SOCIO / ECONOMIC / POLITICAL

=========================================

Political Affiliation: Far Right

Economic Class: Upper-Middle Class

Social Class: CEO

Occupation: Mercenary

Income: High

Residence: Shadow Asylum Headquarters

Transportation: Horse

=========================================

INTERESTS

=========================================

Favorite Food(s): Steak

Favorite Sport(s): Football and Wrestling

Favorite Book(s): Murder Mysteries

Favorite Show(s): TV isn’t a thing yet

Favorite Music: People screaming in pain

Favorite Color(s): Red and Black

Clothing Style / Preferences: Red tunic, red pants, metal boots, and black trench coat

Hobbies: Hunting, taxidermy, smoking cigars, drinking beer, playing pool

Role Model(s): His abusive father

Likes: Toxic masculinity, violence, bigotry, money, and torture

Dislikes: “Pussies”, elves, women (except ones who will have sex with him), poor people

=========================================

PERSONALITY

=========================================

Good Qualities / Trait(s): Leadership skills, hard-power authority, intimidation

Vices / Negative Trait(s): Racism, anger, sexism, unable to break abusive cycles

Strengths: Fighting skills, leadership, ruthlessness, business acumen

Weaknesses: Generational trauma, quick to anger, sadistic, can’t take criticism

Habits / Idiosyncrasies / Quirks: Chain smoking and finger drumming

Phobia / Fears: Gay people, his father’s beatings, disappointing his father, being poor

Select one personality type below that best describes your character:

CREATORS

[X] Persuader (ESTP) – Realists. Enthusiastic people of action who like to explore and use their senses to explore the world. Likes sports and are risk-takers. They live in the (preferably) fast-paced here and now, and thrive on problems and crises. Often fearless and dominates conversations. Blunt and very straightforward. Does not necessarily follow the law if it gets in the way of what they want.

Define your character’s personality based on the following aspects:

a. Physically: Intimidating, loud, beefy

b. Psychologically: Quick to anger, quick to judge, and will lash out at whoever he wants to

c. Spiritually: openly mocks the Magetan religion every chance he gets

d. Emotionally: Extreme mental toughness, expects the same from his employees

e. Socially: Despite being afraid of him, people believe he’s good at his mercenary job and will pay his exorbitant prices if it means procuring his services

Others things to know:

=========================================

HISTORY

=========================================

1. Describe the character’s childhood. Despite pleading from his mother, Orpheus’s father abused him constantly with beatings and insults, instilling toxic masculinity in him at an early age. Orpheus started the Shadow Asylum mercenary guild as a way to avoid his father’s wrath while also putting his fighting skills to good use.

2. Name the good incidents that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? The only joy from Orpheus’s childhood were the many hunting trips his father took him on, but that only added to his sadism.

3. Name bad experiences that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? Aside from his father’s abusive ways, his father also killed his mother during a petty argument. That was how Orpheus learned to solve his problems with violence.

4. What is the character doing when first introduced? What are his goals at this point? Negotiating a deal with King Lars Stonewall to take down the Atwood Queendom. This is just another job to Orpheus, which means more money to spend on drugs and alcohol.

4a. Do these goals change at any point in the story? I can’t tell you due to spoilers.

=========================================

STORY DEVELOPMENT:

=========================================

CHARACTER ARCHETYPE: (Put an X on all applicable boxes)

[X] Addict (Conspicuous Consumer, Glutton, Workaholic–see also Gambler)

[] Advocate (Attorney, Defender, Legislator, Lobbyist, Environmentalist)

[] Alchemist (Wizard, Magician, Scientist, Inventor–see also Visionary)

[] Angel (Fairy Godmother/Godfather)

[X] Antagonist (Opposing View, not necessarily the Evil Bad — see also Villain)

[] Anti-Hero

[] Artist (Artisan, Craftsperson, Sculptor, Weaver)

[X] Athlete (Olympian)

[] Avenger (Avenging Angel, Savior, Messiah)

[] Beggar (Homeless person/ Indigent)

[X] Bully (Coward)

[] Catalyst

[] Child (Orphan, Wounded, Magical/Innocent, Nature, Divine, Puer/Puella Eternis, or Eternal Boy/Girl)

[] Clown (Court Jester, Fool, Dummling)

[] Companion (Friend, Sidekick, Right Arm, Consort)

[] Damsel (Princess)

[X] Destroyer (Attila, Mad Scientist, Serial Killer, Spoiler)

[] Detective (Spy, Double Agent, Sleuth, Snoop, Sherlock Holmes, Private Investigator, Profiler–see also Warrior/Crime Fighter)

[] Dilettante (Amateur)

[] Don Juan (Casanova, Gigolo, Seducer, Sex Addict)

[] Engineer (Architect, Builder, Schemer)

[] Exorcist (Shaman)

[] Father (Patriarch, Progenitor)

[] Femme Fatale (Black Widow, Flirt, Siren, Circe, Seductress, Enchantress)

[] Gambler

[] God (Adonis, see also Hero)

[] Gossip (see also Networker)

[] Guide (Guru, Sage, Crone, Wise Woman, Spiritual Master, Evangelist, Preacher)

[] Healer (Wounded Healer, Intuitive Healer, Caregiver, Nurse, Therapist, Analyst, Counselor)

[] Hedonist (Bon Vivant, Chef, Gourmet, Gourmand, Sybarite–see also Mystic)

[] Hermit (see also Wise old Man)

[] Hero/Heroine (see also Knight, Warrior)

[] Judge (Critic, Examiner, Mediator, Arbitrator)

[] King (Emperor, Ruler, Leader, Chief — see also Politician)

[] Knight in Shining Armor

[] Liberator

[] Lover

[] Martyr

[] Mediator (Ambassador, Diplomat, Go-Between)

[] Mentor (Master, Counselor, Tutor)

[] Messiah (Redeemer, Savior)

[] Midas/Miser

[] Monk/Nun (Celibate)

[] Mother (Matriarch, Mother Nature)

[] Mystic (Renunciate, Anchorite, Hermit)

[] Networker (Messenger, Herald, Courier, Journalist, Communicator)

[] Pioneer (Explorer, Settler, Pilgrim, Innovator)

[] Poet

[] Politician (see also King)

[] Priest (Priestess, Minister, Rabbi, Evangelist)

[] Prince

[] Prostitute

[] Queen (Empress)

[] Rebel (Anarchist, Revolutionary, Political Protester, Nonconformist, Pirate)

[] Rescuer

[] Saboteur

[] Samaritan

[] Scribe (Copyist, Secretary, Accountant–see also Journalist)

[] Seeker (Wanderer, Vagabond, Nomad)

[] Servant (Indentured Servant)

[] Shape-shifter (Spell-caster–see also Trickster)

[] Slave

[] Spectre (Ghost / Apparition with Unresolved issues)

[] Storyteller (Minstrel, Narrator)

[] Student / Scholar (Disciple, Devotee, Follower, Apprentice)

[] Teacher (Instructor, see also Mentor)

[] Thief (Swindler, Con Artist, Pickpocket, Burglar, Robin Hood)

[] Threshold Guardian

[] Trickster (Puck, Provocateur)

[X] Turncoat

[] Vampire

[X] Victim

[X] Villain / Shadow (Big Bad of the story; see also Antagonist)

[] Virgin (see also Celibate)

[] Visionary (Dreamer, Prophet, Seer–see also Guide, Alchemist)

[X] Warrior (Soldier, Crime Fighter, Amazon, Mercenary, Soldier of Fortune, Gunslinger, Samurai)

[] Wise old Man (see also Hermit)

1. What are the motivations for the character’s actions? Money, cigars, alcohol, and not angering his father even though he’s dead and only exists as a voice in Orpheus’s head.

2. What are the character’s goals / ambition / dreams? To become the most “badass” mercenary anyone has ever crossed, to strike fear in the hearts of the entire world.

3. What external conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? Completing missions on time.

3a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? Windham is slow in delivering the blueprints from Shelly’s castle.

4. What inner conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? Shutting up his father’s head voice.

4a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? Head voices don’t go away on their own. Plus, Rinehart thinks that therapy is for “pussies”.

=========================================

AUTHOR’S NOTES / MISCELLANY

=========================================

Character theme song: “American Capitalist” by Five Finger Death Punch

Celebrity / IRL lookalike: A fatter version of Chris Kael

The Fiend

 Consumers of storytelling should never have to compromise when it comes to good character work. Apparently, the readers of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter agree with me given how often they slaughter Bray Wyatt in the yearly awards. No, this isn’t just a minor disagreement. They annihilate him! They murder him! They brutalize him! They do all the things he could never do to his opponents when it counts the most. Oh sure, they’ll give him the Stockholm Syndrome treatment with the Best Gimmick awards in 2013 and 2019. And trust me, there’s a lot to be said about playing a demented cult leader and an indestructible monster on TV. But unfortunately for Mr. Wyatt, that’s where the praise ends and the raging against terrible booking begins.

Most Overrated Wrestler in 2020 (that’s a little harsh, all things considered, but okay). Worst Feud of the Year in 2017 against Randy Orton. Worst Feud of the Year in 2019 against Seth Rollins. Worst Feud of the Year in 2020 against Braun Strowman. Worst Gimmick in 2017 for being the bodily host for the spirit of Sister Abigail. Worst Gimmick in 2020 for doing the same indestructible monster character in 2019, but with more losses and more ridiculousness. Worst Match of the Year in 2014 against John Cena in a Steel Cage match (deep voiced child, anybody?). Worst Match of the Year in 2017 against Randy Orton (the worms…all those fucking worms!). Worst Match of the Year in 2019 against Seth Rollins in a Hell in a Cell match (a.k.a. the match without rules and limitations that ended in a disqualification anyways). Last and surely least, Worst Match of the Year in 2020 against Braun Strowman in a Wyatt Swamp Fight (there was no clear winner in this cheesy horror movie with more plot holes than I can count).

So…how did this happen? How did the WWE fuck up this badly when they had handfuls of gold with Bray Wyatt’s various characters? How do you fuck up a charismatic cult leader who could and would kill you with a screwdriver if he wanted to? How do you fuck up a creepy children’s show host who looks crazy enough to be on the sex offender registry and therefore shouldn’t be around children? How do you fuck up an indestructible monster with a hideous, ugly, nightmarish face that would put Pink Floyd and Slipknot to shame? How do you fuck up a character with so many layers, so much creativity, and so much potential to be a top star for the rest of eternity? I’ve got your answer right here: he loses too much.

Yep, that’s right. He’s a three hundred pound killing machine who can hit like a cannonball and move like a cruiserweight. His dialogue is so cryptic, so seductive, yet so terrifying that it’ll echo in your mind like a schizophrenic voice for days on end. If he tells you he’s going to murder you in a cold blood and leave your corpse for the buzzards to feast on, you don’t question him for a second…until he loses all of his biggest matches. He talks a big game and never backs it up when it matters. The audience is so used to seeing him fail that when he finally does add a championship or two to his resume, nobody cares. All the Hawaiian shirts, bowler hats, demonic masks, and pedophilic tendencies don’t mean shit if no one believes in the villain who embodies those traits.

Even if you don’t watch wrestling and have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about, you as authors should still take Bray Wyatt’s story and career as a cautionary tale when creating your own villains. If you want to create a convincing villain, you can splatter them with all the creative tropes in the world as long as they’re powerful enough to make their eventual defeat believable and meaningful. I’m not saying the villain has to win EVERY time, but his losses should be in small ways that don’t derail whatever momentum he has. 

You think Darth Vader would be an iconic villain from the Star Wars franchise if he kept getting his ass kicked by the rebels? Fuck no, he wouldn’t have! So what does he do to solidify his power? He cuts off Luke Skywalker’s hand, he imprisons Han Solo and hands him over to Boba Fett to be frozen in carbonite, he destroys entire planets with his Death Star battle station, and he murders the fuck out of Obi-Wan Kenobi. If you’re coming for Darth Vader’s head, you’d better paralyze his ass, because he’ll kill you the first chance he gets.

Your main villain doesn’t have to have political power over an entire galaxy. Maybe he can have power over another person. Maybe he can kidnap somebody and bend them to his will through mind-fucking torture and endless agony. Can his captive defeat him over and over again for the story to be believable? Hell no! But can his captive run away for a little while and get recaptured and brutalized over and over again? Sure! Even if the kidnapper gets an infected bite on his arm, that’s still a small enough defeat that he’s not completely gone just yet. Maybe he has no medical supplies for that wound. Maybe over the course of the story, he has to travel a long way to the nearest hospital for care. The longer he travels, the sicker he becomes. Even if he does make it to the hospital, he still risks getting captured himself, but by the police. So many layers to this story, yet the kidnapper in question is still a villain you love to hate and would love to see systematically destroyed.

Now…take those two scenarios I laid out and replace the head villains in charge with “The Fiend” Bray Wyatt. He’s the last motherfucker who deserves to wield a light saber. He shouldn’t be allowed near anybody whom he can easily stuff into his windowless van on its way to a room with no view. Long dreadlocks that look like Cthulu’s tentacles. A face with an enormous grin, rotten teeth, and ripped skin. A lantern with Bray Wyatt’s original head covering the light. Dialogue peppered with death threats and seductive promises of the darkest kind. Immunity to pain that his torture victims could only dream of having during their times of torment. If he’s written like a killer, he will succeed in these roles and become even more iconic than his predecessors. If he’s written like a chump like he’s been for most of his career, Siskel and Ebert will come back from the dead just so they can shit all over whatever story he’s a part of. And then they’ll be put back in their graves by The Fiend’s necromantic powers.

Even the most brain-dead authors understand the idea of the villains having a shit-load of power. Power can come from anywhere, but if a villain has a lot of it, then his defeat will be even more incredible, especially if the hero comes from modest means. But that of course is giving the WWE too much credit. They used to know how to build stars. Hulk Hogan, The Ultimate Warrior, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, and John Cena are all shining examples of their success in that department. But as Vince McMahon got older and slower, so did his storytelling. 

As the CEO of WWE, Vince gets the final say in whatever creative decisions make it to television. When his brain is rotting that badly and he has that much influence over the shows, people start to notice and people turn off their televisions. I turned off mine in 2018 and haven’t turned it back on for WWE since then. Thanks, guys, for completely murdering my love for pro-wrestling. And an extra special thanks goes to the geniuses who set Bray Wyatt up to fail. He had all the creative potential in the world. He could have been a badass villain everyone can be scared of. But not anymore. That makes me sad. I’m sure it makes him sad as well.

Authors, if you’re going to make your readers sad, do it the old-fashioned way by killing off their favorite characters or at least badly torturing them. Don’t do it by creating awful villains. And don’t do it by creating awful heroes and neutral characters either. If you’re going to create a character cast, do it right! Make them three-dimensional. Make them overflow with personality. Saddle them with crazy gimmicks. But most importantly, make their victories and losses believable, for fuck’s sake! 

(sigh)

…In case it wasn’t abundantly clear already, my heart hurts for Bray Wyatt and all of his incarnations (except for Husky Harris, but he was just learning how to do decent character work at the time, so I shouldn’t be too hard on him). Wrestling fans were angry as hell in 2020 when the Wrestling Observer Newsletter put out their yearly awards and Bray Wyatt was absolutely wrecked. If those same fans still believe in the magic of Bray Wyatt, then they’re certainly welcome to. I’m not going to shit all over their happiness in that regard. So maybe the negative attention has less to do with the wrestler himself and more to do with the way he’s portrayed on TV. Even Dave Meltzer, the head journalist in charge of the WON, called him a genius when it came to his character work. I bet it hurts him and the rest of his voters to do Bray dirty like that. But silencing criticism is the same thing as acknowledging the problem doesn’t exist. WWE fucked up Bray Wyatt like a bunch of idiots and now they’re surprised when he doesn’t connect with everyone who watches him. How sad. How relentlessly sad.

Be Disgusting

VERSE 1

They’re always the first to play the victim

And then label you as the genocidal villain

Embrace your dark side like it’s all you got

Stuck in this role whether you like it or not

Teabags, fisting, not a whole lot of resisting

F-bombs, S-bombs, jokes about their moms

Exploiting the deaths of their grandparents

“There’s a place in hell for entitled Karens”

PRE-CHORUS

Put on your dark cloak, laugh like a freak

Unzip your fly and give them a sneak peek

You are the monster that they’ve created

God, it never felt so good to be this hated!

CHORUS 1

Be! Disgusting! B-E disgusting!

Be! Disgusting! ‘Cause nobody’s worth trusting!

VERSE 2

Kyle’s brother didn’t die because of a vaccine

He just never knew what family love means

Gloria’s daughter didn’t need essential oils

Still got a body covered in lesions and boils

What’s the matter, Todd? Did I offend you?

You did the same to me, it was time to end you

I’m what you see when you look in the mirror

I sunk to your low, can I make it any clearer?

PRE-CHORUS

Put on your dark cloak, laugh like a freak

Unzip your fly and give them a sneak peek

You are the monster that they’ve created

God, it never felt so good to be this hated!

CHORUS 2

Be! Revolting! B-E revolting!

Be! Revolting! No hands are worth holding!

BRIDGE

Dr. Frankenstein’s got nothing on them

Could build an army of temporary friends

It’s all seduction no matter how you slice it

So take their Kool-Aid and fucking spike it

PRE-CHORUS

Put on your dark cloak, laugh like a freak

Unzip your fly and give them a sneak peek

You are the monster that they’ve created

God, it never felt so good to be this hated!

CHORUS 3

Be! Repulsive! B-E repulsive!

Be! Repulsive! Take nobody’s bullshit!

Be! Disgusting! B-E disgusting!

Be! Disgusting! Now their armor is rusting!

Be! Disgusting!

Be! Disgusting!

Be! Disgusting!

B-E disgusting!

Destroying the Earth

Whether you’re watching your Saturday morning cartoons or playing your favorite Super Nintendo game, sometimes you just have to ask to nobody in particular: “Why does the villain want to destroy the earth?” Doesn’t matter if the villain is a robot, an alien, a monster, or an ordinary human with extraordinary powers; chances are good he wants to destroy the world for no fucking reason other than to flex his muscle. You hear him cackle like a madman. You hear him barking orders at his minions even though he’s capable of doing a much better job. But that’s about all you hear. No motives, no thorough planning, and if he does have the latter, it’ll be explained in intricate detail to the protagonist rather than using that precious time to murder the motherfucker. All you know about the villain is that he wants to destroy the earth, but you don’t know why.

Do you realize what happens when the earth is destroyed? There’s a very real possibility that the main villain lives on planet earth, so if he destroys the whole fucking thing, where is he going to live? He’d better have a spaceship handy. If he does, what planet is going to take him in whilst being able to support human life? Even if the planet did support human life, why would they willingly want a genocidal maniac as part of their world population? Does the villain want to destroy his new home world too? Is that all this asshole does on his spare time? Just destroy worlds haphazardly without thinking about the consequences of mass genocide? At least Freiza from Dragon Ball Z had a motive. He wiped out the planet’s population and sold the planet to the highest bidder. He was a businessman. A ruthless businessman, but as we’ve seen with corporate America, that’s really a redundant phrase at this point.

I suppose any villain could use the CEO excuse to destroy random planets, but people who have seen Dragon Ball Z would know where the motive came from and accusations of plagiarism would be louder than a Super Saiyan screaming before he throws a Kamehameha wave…out of his ass…after eating a hundred dollars worth of Taco Bell food. Yes, I know, there’s no such thing as an original idea. Everything comes from somewhere. But surely there are more motives for committing genocide on a planet’s population than just dollars and cents, right? Yes, dollars and cents are very enticing to villains with a shallow point of view, or even a desperate debtor. But it’s hardly the only reason why someone would want to destroy a whole planet.

Destroying the earth seems to have lost its luster over time due to the backwards logistics of it all. But it doesn’t have to be. Part of the fun of being a professional author is spinning tropes on their heads. Maybe the threat of global destruction is part of an ultimatum. “Give me a gazillion dollars or I’m going to blow up a major world city every hour on the hour.” We’ve seen that in movies before, but why would a genocidal lunatic need a gazillion dollars? Climbing out of poverty? Buying a vacation home in somewhere other than a targeted city? Clinging to an expensive cocaine and hooker addiction? These are all solid reasons for world destruction. They’re shitty things to do, but as far as character arcs go, they’ll go a long way in giving villains all three of their much-needed dimensions. The audience will laugh at villains for being cheesy and one-dimensional. Why not make them blackmailers of the most disgusting kind?

But why is it just blackmail? Can a villain want to destroy the earth just for the satisfaction of watching the world burn? Dead bodies can be very satisfying to a villain with a constant Joker’s grin. But after one dead body, he’d have to keep achieving that high in order to maintain satisfaction. When the bodies run out, then what is he going to do? But maybe he will find satisfaction in worldwide genocide, because he sees his abusers in every person he meets. Or maybe he was raised with a Nazi ideology and sees himself as the purest human. Maybe the parents who gave him his Nazi ideology were abusive themselves. In the bloody war between nature and nurture, nurture wins hands down.

Can a villain be born evil, though? Certain genes could allow that to happen, like a predisposition for psychopathy, sociopathy, and narcissism. Maybe the villain is beyond help and can’t help himself when he kills large numbers of people. Maybe he legitimately doesn’t see the consequences of his actions and kills just because. But when he’s criticized or punished for his heinous crimes, he suddenly plays the sympathy card like a little coward. We’ve seen that in movies and TV shows before, because it continues to work. Hell, we see this shit in today’s world news with certain politicians, pundits, and bullies in general. I’m sure they’d love to watch the world burn just because.

What if a magical voice tells the villain to commit worldwide genocide and will only give him relief from his mind-fuck when he completes his task. Where is this voice coming from? The depths of hell? A sorcerer long believed to be dead? A bug implanted in his ear? A caterpillar that crawls up his nose and infests his brain? A psychoactive drug with micro-insects swimming through it? But if you as a writer choose to go down this route, you’ll want to remove it as far as you can from actual real world schizophrenia. Schizophrenics have enough stigmas attached to them as it is. The magical voice has to be purely from a magical or science-fiction standpoint. You can even take a page out of the Cyberpunk 2020 playbook and have the cyborg lose his humanity after overusing his mechanical limbs.

There are thousands of reasons why a villain would want to destroy the earth. Pick one and stick with it. You could have a laughing skeleton in a dark cloak carrying a fiery battleaxe, but unless you give him some reasons for doing the things he does, he’s going to come off as cheesy and clownish. Imagine if Darth Vader, one of the most iconic Star Wars villains of all time, destroyed worlds willy-nilly and had no real reason for it. He lusted for power, above all else. It’s a simple motive, but power is enticing to psychopaths who need to be in control of their environment at all times. Is the lust for power over-used? Could be. But if everything else about the villain clicks, whether it’s the dialogue, the presentation, or the power he already has, then the audience will forgive you if you use the power-hunger trope one more time.

I’m currently in the process of rewriting a fantasy novel called Beautiful Monster for the third time in a row. For the first couple of drafts, Queen Shelly Atwood had no real reason for being a sex-crazed rapist who wanted to get as much power as she could. But in this current draft, she likes having the power and influence of a queen because it turns her on. The money she makes selling brainwashed sex slaves affords her pleasures, comforts, and conveniences she wouldn’t have had as a poor peasant. Power is addictive and so is the one-percent lifestyle. She’s gotten so used to being powerful that she must have things her way all the time. She doesn’t want to lose even a smidgen of that power to anybody. Whether she gains it from raping a future sex slave or making shady business deals, she’ll take it where she can get it. With this much power and money comes possessions that she wouldn’t otherwise have. Scary artwork, pornographic novels, ice cream ingredients, fine wine, powerful drugs, she’s like a spoiled brat on Christmas, but every day is Christmas and every night is Halloween for the ones she steps on.

Any goofy character can be made into a convincing badass as long as there are layers and dimensions to their personality. Any atrocious act of genocide can be justified in the mind of the villain as long as that justification is made loud and clear. Evil for the sake of evil comes across as hokey no matter what the story is. Evil has a purpose. Evil has a background story. Evil has personality. The villains themselves might even insist that they’re the good guys of their own story. They’re destroying the earth to put the miserable population out of their respective misery. They’re committing genocide because the population is somehow responsible for shunning him from all forms of society. The villain is killing at random because he has a heightened sense of alertness that won’t allow him to be taken by surprise even by the most mundane human being or animal.

The table is set, fellow authors. Flesh out your villains, flesh out your stories, flesh out your worlds, and make sure your audience notices all the hard work you put into your craft. Even the most random occurrences happen for a reason despite the reason not being readily available to the victims. They should be available to your readers, though. They’re not stupid. They see right through laziness. You don’t want to be the author who gives them a whole lot of nothing, right? Show us why the villain is evil, don’t just say he wants to destroy the earth. Any clown in a spaceship can destroy the earth. But a true villain can haunt the minds of his audience while he’s doing it.

Pants Down

Red-handed, pants around your feet

Dirty ass pasted to the toilet seat

Porno magazine covered in dude soup

Should I give you more time to regroup?

You got caught, you’re fucking busted

No need to have your fingerprints dusted

It’s your fault, own up to the mistake

Before I find one of your limbs to break

You’re sorry? Why do I not believe you?

I’m not the one who’s trying to deceive you

You spent a whole lifetime telling me lies

This is where I finally cut our damn ties

Pants down and fake tears on your face

As you scramble to find another place

Pants down and your whole life story

All of it is drama and none of it is glory

Pants down and Mary-Sue privilege

Nobody in town sees you as the villain

One day you’ll piss off the wrong guy

And he won’t care when you cry

Rest in pieces when you convert to Jesus

Bang on heaven’s gate for all four seasons

Stealing from me has all led up to this

I hope you enjoyed your riches and bliss

I know I enjoyed the lesson I just learned

That trust isn’t easy and must be earned

One strike and you’re out, get off the plate

Before I leave your nuts in a sterile state

Batter on deck, play baseball with your balls

Thunderous crack echoing off the walls

I’m in love with my newfound courage

As I finally pull these theater curtains

On toxic people and toxic friendships

On future prisoners, courtroom defendants

Somewhere over your heavenly rainbow

Is a lot more of the same old, same old

Inglorious Basterds

MOVIE TITLE: Inglorious Basterds

DIRECTOR: Quentin Tarantino

YEAR: 2009

GENRE: War Movie

RATING: R for violence, language, and sexual content

GRADE: Mixed

With all the political tension in today’s world, who wouldn’t want to escape into a world of Nazi-slaying fun? Cutting off their scalps, beating them with a bat, shooting them up, burning them down, if there’s a way to kill a Nazi in World War II, Aldo Raine and his troops will make it happen. You know who else will make it happen? A lone Jewish woman named Shosanna whose family was slaughtered by the Nazi war machine. That’s a lot of vengeful desires from anybody not involved in the Third Reich. There’s no possible way that this movie could be anything but perfect, right? Well, that’s where Quentin Tarantino’s biggest fault comes into play: sometimes his movies drag on for an excruciatingly long time. Inglorious Basterds was no exception to that rule. I realize a movie can’t be all action and no drama, but the reverse is also true if the idea is to make a revenge flick: it can’t be all drama and too little action. Some of the chapters could have been cut short and it wouldn’t have hurt the movie in any way, especially the chapter where the Nazis play the card game at a bar. If you want your bloodthirsty fun, you’ll have to get in line like everyone else.

But when you get exactly what you wanted out of this film, it’ll be exactly as you expected. The outcome of the story was never in doubt for even a second. Aldo Raine and his troops are overpowered in spite of the fact that some of them get killed along the way. Shosanna’s own plans for revenge are so brilliant that detailed that no German soldier could possibly crack her code. Everything that could go right in this movie did go right…except for the element of surprise for the audience. I guess when the genre is described as a “revenge flick”, it doesn’t leave much to the imagination. No serious detective work has to be done. But can I at least believe for one small minute that the good guys have a chance of losing? Having a few of their soldiers killed vulnerability does not make. I want to see some flaws. I want to see some cracks in the world’s most impressive plot armor. Maybe if the German propaganda machine took these kinds of notes, their films wouldn’t look so ridiculous on screen.

If you think this review is going to be a nonstop bash-fest, you’re wrong. It was enjoyable for what it was. Quentin Tarantino’s dialogue will always deliver no matter what the genre of his movies. The subterfuge his characters engage in is also an impressive feat that required an extraordinary amount of creativity. Above all else, however, I must give my highest praise to the character work of Hans Lander, the Nazi colonel nicknamed the “Jew Hunter”. No, I’m not condoning his belief system, just his villainy. Whenever he interrogates someone, he knows he’s got his victims by the throat. He purposefully tiptoes around the answers he receives to give his liars a false sense of hope. I’d call this a perfect game of cat and mouse…if the cat had drill bits for fangs, battleaxes for claws, and venom for drool. I’d dare say that Hans is even more intimidating and dangerous than his boss Hitler himself. He’s so believable as a villain that he can almost negate my earlier point of the outcome being too predicable. Key word being almost.

It wouldn’t be fair to call Inglorious Basterds my least favorite Quentin Tarantino movie, because all in all I did enjoy it. Having a least favorite Tarantino movie is like having a least favorite flavor of ice cream: in the end, it’s still ice cream and it’s still going to be more delicious than the creamy strudel Shosanna and Landers shared in the high scale restaurant. This movie gets a mixed grade from me, but it’ll be a high mixed, which means three-and-a-half stars out of five. In the interest of being decisive and honest, I’ll round it down to a solid three. Being average doesn’t have to be a bad thing, right?