Crawl and Brawl

CHORUS

Ten thousand punches, tenderized lunches

Ten thousand crunches, bones break in bunches

Ten thousand kicks from the six-six-six

Crawl and brawl, bitch, crawl and brawl!

VERSE 1

A super-kick party’s got nothing on this

Ten thousand uppercuts, death match bliss

Taking razor wire and wrapping those fists

Someone’s getting killed, somebody’s pissed

Steel cage couldn’t contain all the bloodshed

A prison riot? We ain’t fucking done yet

Every last dumb shit is waiting to get beaten

Every last dead body is waiting to get eaten

CHORUS

Ten thousand punches, tenderized lunches

Ten thousand crunches, bones break in bunches

Ten thousand kicks from the six-six-six

Crawl and brawl, bitch, crawl and brawl!

VERSE 2

A Florida gator will feast on all the haters

A Burmese tiger will bring the fucking fire

An African rhino will gore you in the gut

Trample your ass into the bubbling mud

You picked the wrong fight for tonight

The holy preacher will speak your last rites

The undertaker will take you to your maker

Crawl and brawl until you all fucking fall

CHORUS

Ten thousand punches, tenderized lunches

Ten thousand crunches, bones break in bunches

Ten thousand kicks from the six-six-six

Crawl and brawl, bitch, crawl and brawl!

VERSE 3

A golden belt means less than a human pelt

A gold medal will not bring the heavy metal

A trophy cup will not make them shut up

Snuggle with severed heads when going to bed

A bloody dream will make your genitals cream

In the real world, they scream like little girls

Only a true warrior can make the world cry

As they watch their heavyweight champions die

FINAL LINES

Crawl and brawl! X4

"Chomp" by Carl Hiaasen

BOOK TITLE: Chomp

AUTHOR: Carl Hiaasen

YEAR: 2012

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Environmental Thriller

GRADE: Pass

Mickey Cray and his son Wahoo are professional animal wranglers who need to scrape up as much money as they can to avoid foreclosure. Their opportunity at financial salvation comes in the form of Derek Badger, a reality TV survivalist who wants to use the Cray family’s reptiles as creative fuel for his show. When the egotistical Derek wants more convincing footage, he, the TV crew, and the Crays venture out into the Everglades, where the animals are wilder and more likely to bite something off. Tagging along on this adventure is Tuna Gordon, a black-eyed girl who wants to get away from her father’s abuse. In typical Hiaasen fashion, controlled chaos is the name of the game. Nobody is safe from Mother Nature’s harsh judgment, especially not the phony Derek Badger.

Yes, this is yet another Carl Hiaasen novel I’m reviewing, but Chomp is different from the others I’ve read due to its young adult audience. The swearing is minimal, the violence is slightly toned down, and most importantly, the content is educational enough to be taught in high school or college. Tuna Gordon has an encyclopedic knowledge of taxonomy, or scientifically naming organisms. Mickey Cray and his son Wahoo bring enough common sense to their jobs that Mother Nature looks down on them favorably. Julie Cray, Wahoo’s lawyer sister, knows enough about Florida law that she can gain leverage against any corrupt TV official. Kids have to know all of these things if they want to live in a cooperative and peaceful environment. The educational value of this book is priceless: be good to Mother Nature and Mother Nature will be good to you.

Another thing I enjoyed about this book was the budding relationship between Wahoo and Tuna. It could never be accused of instant love. In fact, they constantly deny that they’re in a serious relationship. But the things they do for each other are very much worthy of true friendship. They give each other clothing during the harsh weather. They give each other comfort when the subject of Jared Gordon (Tuna’s father) is brought up. Tuna even has a miracle drug in her tote bag for Mickey Cray’s headaches, which he got from having a frozen iguana fall on his dome. As a reader, you want Wahoo and Tuna (who both have fishy names) to thrive as friends and get through their roughest times together. You also want them to have as many cute moments as possible. You’ll get everything you wanted and more within the confines of this book.

The last thing I’ll comment on is how convincing of a villain Jared Gordon is. You won’t see him for a long time in the story, but when he pops up, you know there’s going to be trouble. He’s constantly drunk, controlling to everyone he’s around, and he’s also carrying a loaded pistol with extra bullets. Giving Tuna a black eye is bad enough, but when he takes over this story, you’d better take him seriously. Throughout his time in the story, I kept wanting Jared to get his butt kicked in the worst way. He was so evil and disgusting that nobody would have missed him if he suddenly vanished off the face of the earth. If he was a professional wrestler, he would be the quintessential definition of a heel. You want him to get his comeuppance? Wait a while.

With a fast pace, ridiculous characters, and environmental know-how, Chomp definitely earned its passing grade, much like any other Carl Hiaasen book. He has easily become one of my favorite authors, so much so that I refer to him as my “go-to” option whenever I need a pick-me-up. Chomp in particular should be required reading in high school or college. Not only would it give the students a break from slow-paced literary claptrap, it would also fulfill their educational needs and instill common sense. Having common sense is really the highest education there is. Some people have it, others need it desperately. What do you say, teachers and principals? Will you take me up on my offer? I’m sure Mr. Hiaasen would appreciate that very much!

"Swamplandia!" by Karen Russell

BOOK TITLE: Swamplandia!

AUTHOR: Karen Russell

YEAR: 2011

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Magic Realism

GRADE: Mixed

In the Everglades-based theme park Swamplandia, Hilola Bigtree wrestles alligators for a live crowd of stereotypical tourists. The entertaining action is enough to keep the Bigtree clan financially stable. And then one tragedy after another strikes the family. Hilola gets cancer and passes away. Hilola’s husband, simply known as Chief Bigtree, ventures out to the mainland for a “business trip” (which feels more like crazy abandonment). Grandpa Sawtooth becomes senile and is confined to a nursing home. The eldest son Kiwi tries to earn the minimum wage at a rival theme park called World of Darkness. The middle child Oscela becomes obsessed with dark magic and runs off with a ghost to marry him. And now it’s up to Ava Bigtree, Hilola’s daughter and understudy, to bring them all back together and save Swamplandia from becoming foreclosed on.

If I could use one word to describe the mood of this novel, it’s heartbreaking. One moment of depression snowballs into several other tearjerking moments. Losing a mother is bad enough. But then the financial burdens stemming from her loss become all too real for any reader. We’re currently living in an economy where homes are being taken away, people are becoming broke from healthcare costs, and the only people who are hiring the new blood are minimum wage employers. Sometimes, working to exhaustion isn’t the answer no matter how many times the Republican Party says it is. In fact, exhaustion is what makes this novel so depressing, because we see the aftermath of trying to scrape together enough money and stay alive. It’s stressful to think about and I wouldn’t wish this kind of poverty on my worst enemies. In terms of putting together a realistic picture of economic worries, Swamplandia does that job perfectly.

I know the World of Darkness theme park is supposed to be a horrible place to work judging from how poorly Kiwi Bigtree is treated by everyone there. It is, after all, a hell-themed amusement park. The swimming pools are dyed red (to resemble fire), the merchandise has devil horns on it, the food is fattening (because gluttony is a sin), and all of the rides are basically comparable to being swallowed by a ferocious, fiery demon. While I condemn the working conditions of the World of Darkness, I praise Karen Russell for inventing such a place in her novel. I am a dark fantasy nerd and the diabolic themes of this place make me think of barreling through Diablo II: Lord of Destruction dungeons with a dual-wielding barbarian. But I know why Karen Russell had this theme park in her story: because she wanted to parody Disneyworld and hold a mirror up to their horrible working conditions. It tickles my dark fantasy urges and depresses me at the same time.

However, there is one thing that irks me about this novel and it’s the reason I’m giving it a three-star review instead of a four or five-star one. The pacing of Swamplandia feels like I’m dragging my eyes across sandpaper just to make it to the next chapter. In other words, it’s slow and it’s tiring. I don’t know if I should owe the exhausting pace to the purple prose writing style, the obscure references, the over-thinking and overanalyzing, or the constant dips into the past. I can’t quite pinpoint what makes this book such a slow read, but if Karen Russell wanted me to feel just as exhausted as the main characters after they work their fingers to the bone to protect their theme park, then mission accomplished. It may have been by design, but that doesn’t mean it’s an effective technique.

If you want to read a story about Murphy’s Law on steroids and have the patience of a saint, I would gladly recommend Swamplandia to you. A warning to the wise: if you manage to make it towards the middle and you haven’t figured out if this is a fantasy or modern day drama book, I don’t blame you. The only reason why I know it’s labeled “Magic Realism” is because I looked it up on Wikipedia. Maybe the genre confusion is all part of the suspense. That would have been a great tactic if the suspense wasn’t reserved for the near-end of the book. A mixed grade goes to Karen Russell’s debut novel. Will I ever pick up another Karen Russell book again? I haven’t decided yet.

"Nature of the Beast" by Adam Mansbach

BOOK TITLE: Nature of the Beast
AUTHOR: Adam Mansbach
YEAR: 2012
GENRE: Graphic Novel
SUBGENRE: Science Fiction
GRADE: Mixed


Single father, alligator wrestler, and all-around tough guy Bruno Bolo enters a tournament pitting himself against the deadliest animals from around the world from sharks to gorillas to polar bears to whatever else can snap a normal man’s spine in half within seconds. He thinks he’s going to earn a million dollars for his victory, but the tournament is really part of a conspiracy to determine who fights the alien invaders who want to bring the apocalypse to earth. Bruno is already a Gary-Stu-esque superman, but after being sprayed with angry hormones, he’s pretty much unstoppable.

Just like with any science-fiction, fantasy, or superhero graphic novel, badass violence is a must. Bruno and the wild animals he fights not only bring the violence, they leave blood bombs behind them. If you’re a fan of hardcore action, you’re going to get it with this graphic novel, no question about it.

I personally don’t care if Bruno comes off as a Gary-Stu. As a child, I played videogames where Gary-Stu’s were the main characters (Ryu from Street Fighter, the barbarian from Diablo II, Gorge from Unreal Championship, etc.) Yes, I know it’s intended to be a literary slur, but I’m allowed to enjoy a little hardcore violence every now and then. I still enjoy it to this day when I’m watching WWE and Roman Reigns is punching everyone’s lights out.

Here’s what I do take issue with: the animal aspect. I have dogs and cats around my home and they’re all as sweet as can be. While it is true that the animals in Nature of the Beast are a lot scarier than my dogs and cats, it doesn’t take away from them being innocent animals. These animals didn’t choose to be fighters in a tournament; they were raised that way by the scientists behind the scenes. Hell, there was even a scene where one of the scientists sprayed the anger hormones in a pit bull’s face. The dog went from being a smiling puppy-dup to a raging lunatic within seconds of being sprayed.

Bottom line: forcing “scary” animals to fight each other is no different from forcing dogs and roosters to do the same. At least when it happens in the wild, the animal is protecting something precious of theirs. What do they have to fight for in an arena under the watch of scientists? Fame? Fortune? Sadistic urges? I’ll get off my soapbox now.

This book gets mixed reception from me, or for those of you on Good Reads, 3 out of 5 stars. When you make your own conscience decision to buy this graphic novel (and it is your own choice in the end), you have to find a balance within your mind between the badass action and the sympathy for animals. You might like the bloody violence and give this thing a full five stars. You might be the future president of the ASPCA and give this book one star. You might be a fence-rider like me who finds validity in both sides of the spectrum. Or if you want to avoid this debate altogether, buy a copy of Adam Mansbach’s “Go the Fuck to Sleep” instead. I have a niece and that book made me giggle.

　

***MOVIE QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“It’s not every day you see a horse with two rear-ends!”

-Aladdin from “Aladdin”-