Crawl and Brawl

CHORUS

Ten thousand punches, tenderized lunches

Ten thousand crunches, bones break in bunches

Ten thousand kicks from the six-six-six

Crawl and brawl, bitch, crawl and brawl!

VERSE 1

A super-kick party’s got nothing on this

Ten thousand uppercuts, death match bliss

Taking razor wire and wrapping those fists

Someone’s getting killed, somebody’s pissed

Steel cage couldn’t contain all the bloodshed

A prison riot? We ain’t fucking done yet

Every last dumb shit is waiting to get beaten

Every last dead body is waiting to get eaten

CHORUS

Ten thousand punches, tenderized lunches

Ten thousand crunches, bones break in bunches

Ten thousand kicks from the six-six-six

Crawl and brawl, bitch, crawl and brawl!

VERSE 2

A Florida gator will feast on all the haters

A Burmese tiger will bring the fucking fire

An African rhino will gore you in the gut

Trample your ass into the bubbling mud

You picked the wrong fight for tonight

The holy preacher will speak your last rites

The undertaker will take you to your maker

Crawl and brawl until you all fucking fall

CHORUS

Ten thousand punches, tenderized lunches

Ten thousand crunches, bones break in bunches

Ten thousand kicks from the six-six-six

Crawl and brawl, bitch, crawl and brawl!

VERSE 3

A golden belt means less than a human pelt

A gold medal will not bring the heavy metal

A trophy cup will not make them shut up

Snuggle with severed heads when going to bed

A bloody dream will make your genitals cream

In the real world, they scream like little girls

Only a true warrior can make the world cry

As they watch their heavyweight champions die

FINAL LINES

Crawl and brawl! X4

Violence, Blood, and Gore

VERSE 1
Enough of this G-rated garbage
Don’t cater to a flowery market
It’s time to put on our gloves
Fight like it’s all we ever love
Broken skulls, shredded flesh
Electric wire, steel cage mesh
Someone’s getting knocked out tonight
It’s a brutal battle, it’s an epic fight


CHORUS 1
Let’s see some violence!
Let’s see some blood!
Let’s see some gore!
Come get yourself some!


VERSE 2
I’m sick of this PG-rated sewage
I’m getting ready to fucking lose it
Beat some ass, smash some heads
One of us is going to end up dead
Swing that Singapore cane with style
Watch the bruises bleed for a while
Leaking with pus and other sickly stuff
This is what we are, this is what we love


CHORUS 2
Let’s see some violence!
Let’s see some gore!
Let’s see some blood!
Let’s beg them for more!


VERSE 3
TV-MA has gone out of fashion
Lost forever to violent passion
Rated-R Superstar falling far
Down like a brawler in a bar
NC-17, you must be dreaming
Triple X, you’re not steaming
Lost innocence doesn’t have a limit
Bloodthirsty warrior’s my only gimmick


CHORUS 3
Let’s see some blood!
Let’s see some violence!
Let’s see some gore!
Let’s break the silence!


HOOK
EC-dub, bitch! EC-dub!
Join the party! Join the club!
The janitors will clean and scrub
The bloody stains, puked up grub
This is what I call mortal combat
With a drunken brawler and a conman
Nobody gets out alive tonight
Lace up your boots, get ready to fight!

Fight Scenes

Seeing as how I’m a fan of action movies and literary thrillers, it’s always been my belief that fight scenes should be just as fast-paced and action-packed as a Jackie Chan or Bruce Lee movie. That’s why WWE is so dazzling to watch, because the fighting is reminiscent of a martial arts movie. UFC matches aren’t always like that and some of them can be pretty boring. Isn’t that right, Clay Guida and Gray Maynard? If all fight scenes should be dazzling, then how would that translate into literature? When reading Kick-Ass and Kick-Ass 2, the fight scenes in those graphic novels were extremely bloody and a lot of bones were snapped in two. That’s one way to make a fight exciting: turning the characters into Gorn Stars Dancing. Another way to make them thrill rides is by having the characters throw a lot of shots at each other and have them dodged or blocked, just like a martial arts movie as I’ve said before. But this is only for fight scenes in books that are billed as action stories. If you take a look at the fight scenes in “For the Win” by Cory Doctorow, you’ll find that they’re extremely short and are ended usually by one or two moves. Not the most exciting way to stage a fight, but it is appropriate for the genre of that book. And quite frankly, that’s alright with me. If I’m reading something from “The Cat Who…” series, it would greatly surprise me if Jim Qwilleran disposed of the prime suspect by throwing ninja stars at him and slashing his throat with a handsaw. By the same token, if a fight in “The Hunger Games” was ended by simply punching someone in the face and knocking them into unconsciousness, it wouldn’t be true to the genre. This isn’t so much a lesson in how to make a fight scene exciting. It’s about staying true to the genre in which you’re working with. I know a lot of authors out there hate being categorized into a particular genre. Some authors prefer their books to be called “dark fantasy” instead of “horror” while others choose “dystopian fiction” instead of “sci-fi”. Well, guess what! If you don’t have a genre that defines your book, chances are your fight scenes are going to be ridiculous as hell and unreadable. Can you imagine Offred from “The Handmaid’s Tale” charging through a crowd of people on a horse while wielding a jousting lance? It wouldn’t make any fucking sense! Need more examples? Yeah, I thought not. Goodbye, pachos and pachas!

　

***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

ALPHONSE: I want him to beg for mercy.
VICTOR: I don’t think he’s going to beg for mercy.
ALPHONSE: He wouldn’t get it anyways.

-Dead Man Down-

"Kick-Ass 1 & 2" by Mark Millar

Have you ever felt like putting on a superhero costume and going around fighting villains in brutal street wars? Buy copies of “Kick-Ass” and “Kick-Ass 2” before you make any sudden decisions. What can you expect from the two-part series? Brutality. Lots and lots of brutality. These kids (Kick-Ass and Hit-Girl) are barely old enough to know how to drive a car and already they’re engaging in hellacious fights with villains who aren’t afraid to die. Broken bones, electrocuted genitals, torn flesh, massive bleeding, gigantic bruises, and a litany of other monstrously violent battle scars cover the bodies of every pubescent superhero who tries to make a name for himself. But it’s all in a day’s work for Kick-Ass and crew. You’d think that he would get used to all of these beatings by now, but as the story progresses from part one to part two, the brutality multiplies to greater volumes. The worst of the beatings happen to people that Kick-Ass and Hit-Girl care about such as parents, friends, love interests, etc. It was almost enough to make them want to quit being superheroes until the villains pushed a little too hard a little too much. With this cluster-fuck of violent behavior going on in these beautifully drawn graphic novels, you’re bound to have some critic out there complaining that they “normalize” all of the adult content that takes place. I remember reading a review that complained about Hit-Girl swearing at such a young age in the Kick-Ass movie. I see these reviews and wonder if these critics even know the difference between fantasy and reality. In the fantasy world, violence, swearing, sex, and drug use are beautiful things. They have to be in order to keep the reader’s attention. In the real world, martial arts violence is brutal and upsetting. This kind of debate was going on with “A Clockwork Orange” and the same arguments could be made in that conversation. Reading comic books like “Kick-Ass” and “Kick-Ass 2” is a form of escapism. We escape from one world of dullness and enter a world of fantasy and wonder. That’s how fiction works. If people tried being superheroes in real life, the pain that Kick-Ass felt after having his balls electrocuted would pail in comparison to what the would-be heroes would feel. In some ways, “Kick-Ass” is a fair representation of what vigilantes can expect if they become too independent of the police and military. It’s an ugly world out there, I agree. But it’s not worth having fried balls over. Leave that to Kick-Ass and his crew of head-stomping superheroes!

　

***JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What’s it called when the earth shits itself?
A: Gaia-Ria.