Chainsaw Samurai

OPENING SCREAM

Chainsaw Samurai!

VERSE 1

Forget about your fucking dishonor

And focus on your eventual slaughter

Which one of your limbs must go first?

Your arms, legs, or German bratwurst?

Slice off your head, a mummified trophy

He opens your mouth and says, “Blow me!”

A bloodbath is coming from the Rising Sun

Violence and gore became a shit-load of fun!

CHORUS

Chainsaw Samurai!

It’s too late to beg and cry!

Enter the dragon, bitch!

Death is a business; he is rich!

VERSE 2

Hara-kiri has never been so easy

But the anxiety makes you queasy

He’ll choose for you; kick down your door

Squeeze every drop of blood from your pores

Chug your red juices like a bottle of sake

Chew your flesh with an appetite so sloppy

Dinner is served to the disgraced samurai

He’s hungry for more, get ready to die!

CHORUS

Chainsaw Samurai!

It’s too late to beg and cry!

Enter the dragon, bitch!

Death is a business; he is rich!

VERSE 3

The beast from the east has enjoyed his feast

And he doesn’t feel sorry in the fucking least

He’s going back to the Land of the Rising Sun

But his war with the world is far from done!

EXTENDED CHORUS

Chainsaw Samurai!

It’s too late to beg and cry!

Enter the dragon, bitch!

Death is a business; he is rich!

Kill Bill he fucking will!

He’ll cut quickly if you hold still!

Ninja Assassin, your life is passing!

“Who can stop him?” is what you’re asking!

CLOSING SCREAM

Chainsaw Samurai!

Creative Fuel For Kids

***CREATIVE FUEL FOR KIDS***

When I was a kid and I got in trouble, I made no mention of the media I liked because if I did, that particular medium would get taken away from me. I’m sure we can all relate to this in one way or another. Let’s say for instance you and your older brother wanted to practice martial arts. One of you gets injured, so what do the parents do? They take away your Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee movies. As a kid, you keep insisting that those movies don’t make you act the way you do and there may be some truth to that.

However, there’s also a truth to the ratings they put on TV shows, movies, and videogames. If a seven-year-old watches the Faces of Death documentary from the late 1970’s, then he’ll grow up thinking those graphic images are a normal part of life. In some ways they are, but that mentality takes away from the beauty that life can become. That’s not to say that movies turn kids into murderous sociopaths, because that’s a stretch. Those same movies do however define normality for those kids for the rest of their lives.

Take me for instance. I didn’t become a fan of WWE until I was six years old and at that age, I didn’t want to believe it was scripted and that wasn’t how people fought in real life. Over the years, WWE started incorporating more disgusting storylines that involved racism, sexism, sexuality, and humiliation. I watched all of that until my mom banned wrestling from the house for the foreseeable future.

But that didn’t stop me from finding other sources of creative fuel that were to my liking. I watched Pulp Fiction when I was 11 and didn’t question any of that movie. I had it in my mind that you didn’t have to be a racist in order to use racial slurs. Boy, was I wrong. I watched Clerks when I was 13 and thought the words “cock” and “cunt” were exclusive to that movie. I was wrong again.

And then I was 14 years old when I watched my first soft-core porn movie. It was called Playtime and focused on female masturbation. Ever since watching that horny movie, I started looking for internet porn and somehow thought sticking a ball gag in a girl’s mouth and sucking her feet was an instant turn-on. It’s not. In fact, most girls I know think that’s weird.

So let’s take an inventory of all the horrible things I thought were normal: violence as a solution to everyday problems, women dressing in skimpy clothing, racial slurs with no racism behind them (or so I thought), instant lesbianism, gay jokes in public places, god knows what else. Good thing I’m not a sociopath or else this would have been a really destructive life.

In spite of all the misconceptions of what acceptability was, I’d like to think I’ve always been on the benevolent side of the spectrum. I got in so many fights in high school not because I was a psychopath, but because I wanted to end bullying and injustice. Ending those things is admirable on any level. So at best, my intentions were always pure, but my methods were questionable. Cussing out internet folk to end trolling? Doesn’t work. Using ball gags and duct tape during an internet version of “making love”? Doesn’t work without consent. Using the word “faggot” because Immortal Technique used it liberally despite being a leftist? Yeah, not going to happen.

I’m not trying to convey the message that media makes small children into school shooters. It doesn’t. It does however set the standards for what children perceive as normal and justified as they grow up into adults. Children absorb everything like a sponge. And I do mean everything. They don’t develop a strong filter for bullshit until they’re teenagers, where they rebel against everything that doesn’t agree with their lifestyles.

I suppose you could blame parents for allowing kids to see things they shouldn’t, but that’s not necessarily true. Kids today have access to materials that can be hidden from even the most watchful parent’s view. Even if parents could monitor their children 24/7 (which they can’t), kids can be sneaky and venture into worlds that nobody else can stop them from seeing.

Frankly, I’m more concerned about parents who abuse their children instead of parents who fail to catch their children watching a bloody kung fu flick. I was fortunate enough to have loving parents and a healthy childhood. No school shootings or other criminal behavior here. In fact, I have no criminal record at all, so that’s one less thing I have to worry about.

I was bound to have a wakeup call sooner or later on what was decent and what wasn’t. In the summer of 2014, I wrote an erotic short story for the WSS called “Tainted Love”, where the female protagonist was bound and gagged by a complete stranger and loved every minute of it. I’ve never felt so ashamed of myself in my life. No woman in her right mind would ever think being kidnapped by a criminal is sexy. But that’s what maturity is all about: having experiences, learning from the mistakes, and chipping away at the rough edges to make a beautiful sculpture.

I’ve said enough for today. I welcome all viewpoints and talking points as long as they’re decent and maturely presented. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

　

***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTEST AND COMPANY***

The new week started yesterday and the theme is “homeless”. My story, should I get around to writing it, will be called “I, Barbarian”. Yes, I get stereotyped by my family a lot for writing barbarian stories, so if you have a joke, let it out now or forever hold your peace. The story goes like this:

　

CHARACTERS:

　

Magnus Warcry, Bear Barbarian
Corey Darkside, Human Barbarian
Ace Hank, Sheriff

　

　

PROMPT CONFORMITY: Corey is being accused of vagrancy, which is defined as wandering around without a permanent address (aka being homeless).

　

　

SYNOPSIS: Ace brings Corey to the police station on charges of vagrancy and resisting arrest. While he’s interrogating her, she insists that her barbarian gimmick isn’t an act and that Magnus Warcry must be defeated. Ace is contemplating sending Corey to a mental institution when Magnus shows up to the police station and starts mauling everything and everyone in sight. Not only is Corey Darkside not crazy after all, but she might be Paulson City’s only hope in this battle of primitive warriors.

　

***AMERICAN DARKNESS***

Yes, I know you all were expecting three more edited short stories, but they won’t get here today or even tomorrow. I took a one-day vacation from editing today so that I could catch up on my reading obligations to Edward Davies, Paul McAvoy, and Daniel Bryan. I’ll probably take another one-day vacation so that I can concentrate on “I, Barbarian”. I can take as many vacations as I want, so suck it. Besides, I only have four more stories from American Darkness to edit, so I’ve pretty much got this in the bag.

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Ladies, at least one time in your man’s life (at least once, don’t let him lie), he has stood in front a full-length mirror absolutely naked and he tucked his dick between his legs to see what he’d look like as a woman. And men, if you haven’t done that yet, you will now that I’ve mentioned it.”

-Tommy Blaine-

Nathan Phoenix

This is a rhetorical question, but only because the answer is so fucking far out of reach for many of my readers. Can someone explain to me why a Scottish martial artist would have a Jewish given name (Nathan) and a non-ethnic last name (Phoenix)? I’m not talking about a Scottish immigrant coming to the US or an American of Scottish decent. I’m talking about an actual guy from Scotland whose name is Nathan Phoenix. Normally, people over there are named Ian MacDonald or Bryan McKee. But Nathan Phoenix? Not in a million years, though in a million years, the earth will probably be a gigantic ball of flaming shit, so it matters even less. It’s pretty safe to say when I invented Nathan Phoenix as a reserve character, I didn’t have a mind for ethnic names. Hell, I had a Chinese warlord whose name was Kasabian. But enough about nationalities for a moment. Let’s talk about Nathan instead. He’s got some badass red hair. It’s spiky, it’s puffy, and it comes with a neatly trimmed goatee. He also has the muscular build of an NFL linebacker. And when he throws a spinning kick to an opponent’s jaw, that’ll be the last time said opponent eats solid food. His punches are no less lethal. One punch to the ribs and every breath you take will feel like a sword going through your body. Now that we’ve established how badass Nathan Phoenix can be, where do we put him? What kind of home do you give to a guy who can make it anywhere? He’s a martial artist, so maybe we can put him in a 3D fighting videogame. Or we can put him in an MMA cage. Or a wrestling ring. Nathan loves the arena feel, so it should be something in that area. I know absolutely nothing about soccer despite playing it as a small child, but maybe Nathan could even be a soccer player with a mean streak as long as Saturn’s rings. Could you imagine what kind of damage he could do if he kicked a soccer ball and it hit you in your own balls? That’ll be the end of your bloodline, that’s for sure. As long as Nathan Phoenix has a crowd around him and he’s beating somebody up, he’s a happy guy. He’ll flash the biggest smile even though most of his teeth will be crooked from the fight. If he has to go to jail for some reason, this will definitely come in handy. Prisoners love watching a good fight as long as they’re not the ones getting beaten up. Prisoners also love to use their large numbers to single out their prey. Not a good thing to do to Nathan Phoenix, because he’ll punch and kick those prisoners so hard that he’ll make a Bruce Lee movie look like the next installment of Saw. You need an arena fighter? Look no further than the masterpiece himself, Nathan Phoenix. Isn’t that right, laddie? Actually, a guy named Nathan saying “laddie” sounds a little frightening. That could be another aspect of his intimidation game.

　

***MIXED-MARTIAL ARTS QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“He’s taking a book out of Chuck Liddell’s chapter.”

-Mike Goldberg-

Fight Scenes

Seeing as how I’m a fan of action movies and literary thrillers, it’s always been my belief that fight scenes should be just as fast-paced and action-packed as a Jackie Chan or Bruce Lee movie. That’s why WWE is so dazzling to watch, because the fighting is reminiscent of a martial arts movie. UFC matches aren’t always like that and some of them can be pretty boring. Isn’t that right, Clay Guida and Gray Maynard? If all fight scenes should be dazzling, then how would that translate into literature? When reading Kick-Ass and Kick-Ass 2, the fight scenes in those graphic novels were extremely bloody and a lot of bones were snapped in two. That’s one way to make a fight exciting: turning the characters into Gorn Stars Dancing. Another way to make them thrill rides is by having the characters throw a lot of shots at each other and have them dodged or blocked, just like a martial arts movie as I’ve said before. But this is only for fight scenes in books that are billed as action stories. If you take a look at the fight scenes in “For the Win” by Cory Doctorow, you’ll find that they’re extremely short and are ended usually by one or two moves. Not the most exciting way to stage a fight, but it is appropriate for the genre of that book. And quite frankly, that’s alright with me. If I’m reading something from “The Cat Who…” series, it would greatly surprise me if Jim Qwilleran disposed of the prime suspect by throwing ninja stars at him and slashing his throat with a handsaw. By the same token, if a fight in “The Hunger Games” was ended by simply punching someone in the face and knocking them into unconsciousness, it wouldn’t be true to the genre. This isn’t so much a lesson in how to make a fight scene exciting. It’s about staying true to the genre in which you’re working with. I know a lot of authors out there hate being categorized into a particular genre. Some authors prefer their books to be called “dark fantasy” instead of “horror” while others choose “dystopian fiction” instead of “sci-fi”. Well, guess what! If you don’t have a genre that defines your book, chances are your fight scenes are going to be ridiculous as hell and unreadable. Can you imagine Offred from “The Handmaid’s Tale” charging through a crowd of people on a horse while wielding a jousting lance? It wouldn’t make any fucking sense! Need more examples? Yeah, I thought not. Goodbye, pachos and pachas!

　

***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

ALPHONSE: I want him to beg for mercy.
VICTOR: I don’t think he’s going to beg for mercy.
ALPHONSE: He wouldn’t get it anyways.

-Dead Man Down-