Nathan Phoenix

This is a rhetorical question, but only because the answer is so fucking far out of reach for many of my readers. Can someone explain to me why a Scottish martial artist would have a Jewish given name (Nathan) and a non-ethnic last name (Phoenix)? I’m not talking about a Scottish immigrant coming to the US or an American of Scottish decent. I’m talking about an actual guy from Scotland whose name is Nathan Phoenix. Normally, people over there are named Ian MacDonald or Bryan McKee. But Nathan Phoenix? Not in a million years, though in a million years, the earth will probably be a gigantic ball of flaming shit, so it matters even less. It’s pretty safe to say when I invented Nathan Phoenix as a reserve character, I didn’t have a mind for ethnic names. Hell, I had a Chinese warlord whose name was Kasabian. But enough about nationalities for a moment. Let’s talk about Nathan instead. He’s got some badass red hair. It’s spiky, it’s puffy, and it comes with a neatly trimmed goatee. He also has the muscular build of an NFL linebacker. And when he throws a spinning kick to an opponent’s jaw, that’ll be the last time said opponent eats solid food. His punches are no less lethal. One punch to the ribs and every breath you take will feel like a sword going through your body. Now that we’ve established how badass Nathan Phoenix can be, where do we put him? What kind of home do you give to a guy who can make it anywhere? He’s a martial artist, so maybe we can put him in a 3D fighting videogame. Or we can put him in an MMA cage. Or a wrestling ring. Nathan loves the arena feel, so it should be something in that area. I know absolutely nothing about soccer despite playing it as a small child, but maybe Nathan could even be a soccer player with a mean streak as long as Saturn’s rings. Could you imagine what kind of damage he could do if he kicked a soccer ball and it hit you in your own balls? That’ll be the end of your bloodline, that’s for sure. As long as Nathan Phoenix has a crowd around him and he’s beating somebody up, he’s a happy guy. He’ll flash the biggest smile even though most of his teeth will be crooked from the fight. If he has to go to jail for some reason, this will definitely come in handy. Prisoners love watching a good fight as long as they’re not the ones getting beaten up. Prisoners also love to use their large numbers to single out their prey. Not a good thing to do to Nathan Phoenix, because he’ll punch and kick those prisoners so hard that he’ll make a Bruce Lee movie look like the next installment of Saw. You need an arena fighter? Look no further than the masterpiece himself, Nathan Phoenix. Isn’t that right, laddie? Actually, a guy named Nathan saying “laddie” sounds a little frightening. That could be another aspect of his intimidation game.

　

***MIXED-MARTIAL ARTS QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“He’s taking a book out of Chuck Liddell’s chapter.”

-Mike Goldberg-