"Chomp" by Carl Hiaasen

BOOK TITLE: Chomp

AUTHOR: Carl Hiaasen

YEAR: 2012

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Environmental Thriller

GRADE: Pass

Mickey Cray and his son Wahoo are professional animal wranglers who need to scrape up as much money as they can to avoid foreclosure. Their opportunity at financial salvation comes in the form of Derek Badger, a reality TV survivalist who wants to use the Cray family’s reptiles as creative fuel for his show. When the egotistical Derek wants more convincing footage, he, the TV crew, and the Crays venture out into the Everglades, where the animals are wilder and more likely to bite something off. Tagging along on this adventure is Tuna Gordon, a black-eyed girl who wants to get away from her father’s abuse. In typical Hiaasen fashion, controlled chaos is the name of the game. Nobody is safe from Mother Nature’s harsh judgment, especially not the phony Derek Badger.

Yes, this is yet another Carl Hiaasen novel I’m reviewing, but Chomp is different from the others I’ve read due to its young adult audience. The swearing is minimal, the violence is slightly toned down, and most importantly, the content is educational enough to be taught in high school or college. Tuna Gordon has an encyclopedic knowledge of taxonomy, or scientifically naming organisms. Mickey Cray and his son Wahoo bring enough common sense to their jobs that Mother Nature looks down on them favorably. Julie Cray, Wahoo’s lawyer sister, knows enough about Florida law that she can gain leverage against any corrupt TV official. Kids have to know all of these things if they want to live in a cooperative and peaceful environment. The educational value of this book is priceless: be good to Mother Nature and Mother Nature will be good to you.

Another thing I enjoyed about this book was the budding relationship between Wahoo and Tuna. It could never be accused of instant love. In fact, they constantly deny that they’re in a serious relationship. But the things they do for each other are very much worthy of true friendship. They give each other clothing during the harsh weather. They give each other comfort when the subject of Jared Gordon (Tuna’s father) is brought up. Tuna even has a miracle drug in her tote bag for Mickey Cray’s headaches, which he got from having a frozen iguana fall on his dome. As a reader, you want Wahoo and Tuna (who both have fishy names) to thrive as friends and get through their roughest times together. You also want them to have as many cute moments as possible. You’ll get everything you wanted and more within the confines of this book.

The last thing I’ll comment on is how convincing of a villain Jared Gordon is. You won’t see him for a long time in the story, but when he pops up, you know there’s going to be trouble. He’s constantly drunk, controlling to everyone he’s around, and he’s also carrying a loaded pistol with extra bullets. Giving Tuna a black eye is bad enough, but when he takes over this story, you’d better take him seriously. Throughout his time in the story, I kept wanting Jared to get his butt kicked in the worst way. He was so evil and disgusting that nobody would have missed him if he suddenly vanished off the face of the earth. If he was a professional wrestler, he would be the quintessential definition of a heel. You want him to get his comeuppance? Wait a while.

With a fast pace, ridiculous characters, and environmental know-how, Chomp definitely earned its passing grade, much like any other Carl Hiaasen book. He has easily become one of my favorite authors, so much so that I refer to him as my “go-to” option whenever I need a pick-me-up. Chomp in particular should be required reading in high school or college. Not only would it give the students a break from slow-paced literary claptrap, it would also fulfill their educational needs and instill common sense. Having common sense is really the highest education there is. Some people have it, others need it desperately. What do you say, teachers and principals? Will you take me up on my offer? I’m sure Mr. Hiaasen would appreciate that very much!

Stormy Weather by Carl Hiaasen

BOOK TITLE: Stormy Weather
AUTHOR: Carl Hiaasen
YEAR: 1995
GENRE: Fiction
SUBGENRE: Environmental Thriller
GRADE: Pass


A hurricane passing through southern Florida has brought out all types of colorful characters wanting to exploit the stormy weather for their own personal gain. While on a honeymoon with his wife Bonnie, Max Lamb takes his camcorder and films the devastation of the hurricane for his own personal amusement. Edie Marsh and her psychopathic partner in crime Snapper come up with a plan for insurance fraud that involves a little blood splatter along the way on Snapper’s part. Tony Torres is trying to defend himself after several mobile homes he sold were ripped apart during the storm, mobile homes he guaranteed were safe.

In the middle of it all is Skink, a former governor who went off the deep end and became a diehard eco-warrior with loony methods of convincing people not to screw with nature. These weird ass characters and plenty of others come together eventually for a chaotic climax to a story about hurricanes.

If you’ve ever read anything from Carl Hiaasen before, you would take special note of that last word “chaotic”. The crazy characters all have a way of meeting each other and the results of their meetings only serves to intensify the insanity. But this isn’t just any chaos we’re talking about here. This is controlled chaos. That means Carl Hiaasen’s character count is high and he’s actually able to contain and develop them all within 388 pages.

Writing a Carl Hiaasen novel is a lot like running an insane asylum: you’ve got a lot of people to control and occasionally there will be rioting. Add to all of this a hurricane and things get out of hand rather quickly. Mr. Hiaasen must feel more like a babysitter at times instead of an author. I commend his ability to watch over that many people at one time.

I’ve said this before about other novels, but it bears repeating: a happy ending is not about IF it will happen, it’s about HOW. For an author, determining how a happy ending will occur will require believability. If you’re Carl Hiaasen, the happy ending will not only be believable (despite the story being told in a world of lunacy), it will also be hilariously fitting.

The main villain of this story as you will quickly find out is the trigger happy ass-hat known as Snapper, a white supremacist criminal who has a crooked jaw and an all around ugly face. Everybody in this book is guilty of exploitation, but only Snapper is treated as the biggest asshole in the book, no likeability at all. He might even be what TV Tropes calls a Complete Monster. While I won’t divulge what exactly happens to Snapper, I will give you one clue: it involves a certain red “club” that’s used to keep a steering wheel in place and prevent car theft. If your imagination isn’t as wild as Mr. Hiaasen’s, then I suggest reading the book to find out just what the hell I’m talking about.

Every Carl Hiaasen book I’ve read in my lifetime is either giggly, satisfying, agreeable, or all of the above. Stormy Weather is yet another triumph in Mr. Hiaasen’s legacy. He remains one of my favorite authors to this day, especially since he has something I value in a lot of authors: a fast pace. A passing grade will be given to this wonderful novel.

"Skin Tight" by Carl Hiaasen

To use a phrase that will eventually become commonplace on this blog, Carl Hiaasen has done it again. His dialogue is witty, his villains are giggly, and his pace is breakneck. What more could one ask for when reading an environmental thriller? In the case of “Skin Tight”, somebody wants Mick Stranahan, a former police officer, dead. After disposing of a hit man with a swordfish, he goes on an investigative journey to find out just who paid him off. Along the way, he meets a TV personality with more vanity than credibility, a seven-foot bouncer who looks like a giant Rice Krispies treat, and an ambulance-chasing lawyer with sleazy intentions. The biggest threat to his life is Dr. Rudy Graveline, an incompetent plastic surgeon who has been sued more times than he cares to remember. Mick knows something that Rudy wants him to keep quiet about, albeit within the comfort of a casket: a plastic surgery fuck-up that reeks of homicide, particularly as it relates to a nose job done on Victoria Barletta, a college coed. Putting all of these crazy characters in the same place at the same time can only mean one thing: chaos. Lots and lots of chaos. If you think being trapped in a prison cell with these people is bad enough, try the entire state of Florida. Murder and corruption are common themes within this story. So common that most of these assassination attempts are on Mick’s life. You talk about some fast-paced action? You’ve got it, buddy! Even when things are cooling off for just a little while, they quickly pick right back up where the high-octane action left off. The lengthy conversations alone are enough to keep the reader on the edge of his seat. This story along with Hiaasen’s other works should be the standard bearers of what good fiction is. If you think the only fun you could have while reading is being on Twitter or Face Book, pick up “Skin Tight” and you’ll be instantly converted. It’s because of the fast-paced action that I’ve decided to label Mr. Hiaasen as a profound influence on my own writing. There’s a reason he’s so prolific. For a 375-page reason, buy “Skin Tight” and read the damn thing. Enough said.

　

***TWEET OF THE DAY***

I don’t have bad taste in jokes. I just like jokes that are in bad taste.

-Me-

"Tourist Season" by Carl Hiaasen

Are you actually surprised that yet another Carl Hiaasen book has made its way onto my blog? Unlike a death row inmate in Texas, you won’t be shocked. “Tourist Season” is another example of what a quick and witty writing style can accomplish. This book was written in the mid-80’s, when Mr. Hiaasen was budding as an author of environmental thrillers. Now he’s got an entire sprawl of them written all the way up to the present day. This one in particular deals with a private investigator named Brian Keyes, who unravels a terrorist plot to murder tourists in Florida in order to bring the state back to its “former glory”. Among these whack-a-loons include a 300 lb. black football player, a Cuban bomb maker who sucks at making bombs, a Native American recluse, and of course, the biggest nut job in the entire group, a former newspaper columnist named Skip Wiley. Before being discovered by Brian Keyes as a rightwing terrorist, he knew Skip as an eccentric and hateful writer who in his columns actually wished that a hurricane would come through Florida. He also had a theme in his writing called the “Asshole Quotient”, which was later dumbed down as the “Idiot Quotient”, where certain cities in Florida were rated by the number of tourists that “ruined everything”. As you can expect from this giggly cast of characters, there are a lot of high-spirited, silly moments in this book. Then again, there are also extremely dark moments, particularly when Brian is told that if he reveals the names of the terror cell members, the violence in Florida will get worse. How can it possibly get any fucking worse, you probably ask yourself. Carl Hiaasen’s blend of darkness and humor will keep that imagination of yours going for a long time. Your guess is as good as any first-time reader’s. And when the pieces of this mystery come together for you, you’re going to say to yourself, “Carl Hiaasen has done it again”. Then again, I don’t remember a time when Mr. Hiaasen doesn’t get the job done. I trust him so much that when he recommended “Swamplandia” to whoever would listen, I naturally bought a copy off of Amazon and it’s currently in my queue. Thanks, Mr. Hiaasen, for yet another instant classic!

　

***TWEET OF THE DAY***

“Another casualty of global warming: as the poles melt, most would rather not see Santa in a bathing suit.”

-Neil DeGrasse Tyson-

"Skinny Dip" by Carl Hiaasen

“Marine biologist Chaz Perrone can’t tell a seahorse from a sawhorse.” No kidding! This goofball slash scumbag tried to murder his wife by tossing her overboard during a cruise. So what did she do? Using her athletic talents, she swam over to a bail of Jamaican weed and wound up on a deserted island inhabited by an ex-cop who’s more than happy to help her attain vengeance. But how will Joey Perrone get revenge? Will she shoot Chaz in the skull? Nah, too brutal. Will she kick him in the testicles? Nah, that’s even worse. What could be more American than gunfire and nut shots? Blackmail, of course! Chaz has no idea that his wife Joey survived, but he doesn’t need to know that. He just has to worry his pretty little head off not only about murder charges, but also about falsifying data when doing work in the Florida Everglades. Throughout the entire book, you get the impression that Chaz Perrone is a huge sleaze ball. And then you think to yourself, “Gee, I’d really like to see something bad happen to this scumbag.” The entire book is just one big revenge plot designed to make Chaz shit in his overalls and have the diarrhea splatter ooze down into his already mud-soaked bog boots. What could possibly be more satisfying than that? And since Carl Hiaasen’s characters are always goofy and silly, you don’t have to worry about things getting too dark or brutal. Yes, Chaz Perrone is a heartless bastard, but you wouldn’t wish water boarding on him. Pants-pissing blackmail? That you can wish for and expect the genie to be generous about granting that wish. Goofball adult comedy is pretty much what you can expect from all of Carl Hiaasen’s books, alongside the not-so-subtle environmental messages he imprints in each novel. Despite knowing everything there is to know about him, you never feel like stopping at just one book. Mr. Hiaasen is extremely prolific and his books definitely do NOT blend together. Each one is an exciting thrill ride that will leave your gut busted and your ribs aching. “Skinny Dip” is no different in that respect.

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“When it comes to rights, either one of two things is true. Either we have unlimited rights or no rights at all. Personally, I’m leaning toward unlimited rights. I believe for instance that I have the right to do and say whatever the fuck I please. And if I say something that pisses you off, you have the right to kill me. Where are you going to find a fucking better deal than that? The next time some asshole says to you, ‘I have the right to my opinion!’ say to them, ‘Oh yeah? Well, I have the right to my opinion and my opinion is, you have no right to your opinion!’ Then shoot the motherfucker and walk away!”

-George Carlin-

"Nature Girl" by Carl Hiaasen

Close your eyes and picture the following scene. You’re eating dinner with your family and everything seems peaceful. And then all of the sudden, like a tuba blast to the ears, the phone rings and it’s an annoying and obnoxious telemarketer trying to sell you shit you don’t need. Now picture that the person answering the phone as a crazy woman who hasn’t been on her meds in a long while and is capable of the worst kind of erratic behavior imaginable. Then picture the telemarketer as a vulgar hack with the charisma and personality of an orange peel. Put all of these images together and you’ve got the makings of a Carl Hiaasen gem known as “Nature Girl”. But wait, there’s more to it than a crazy lady trying to get revenge on a clown of a telemarketer. You’ve also got the near-fingerless ex-husband of said crazy lady who wants to kidnap her as a slave to his disgusting perversions. And you’ve got an Indian who just wants some peace and quiet out in the Florida Everglades. And a drunk and horny college chick who won’t leave said Indian alone. With so many angles to keep track of, you’d have to wonder how an author doesn’t drive himself insane trying to mesh them together in a creative and entertaining way. Not Carl Hiaasen. For him, crazy plotlines and humorous detective work are all in a day’s work. He alone has perfected a genre of literature known as the “environmental thriller”. In short, someone out there is trying to screw with mother nature and whoever does it gets what they so dearly deserve in the end. With this kind of wit and knowledge on his side, Carl Hiaasen should do a book on BP and the cluster-fuck they’ve caused in the Gulf Coast. I bet he’d have a field day with those corporate thugs! Or a heart attack, depending on how bad it really is out there. With these environmental thrillers, including Nature Girl, Carl Hiaasen not only entertains, he also raises awareness of all the harmful things happening in his home state of Florida. Oh, and did I mention that he’s also known for writing at a breakneck pace? You’ll probably blow through “Nature Girl” in record time because he doesn’t mess around…aside from when he’s peppering his books with reasons to LOL on your Face Book page. If you need an influential author to cling to, make it Carl Hiaasen. He’ll never let you down.

　

***PSEUDO-TWEET OF THE DAY***

Why is it that whenever a pundit says something offensive on the air, someone from the opposing side wants to have lunch with him? Judging from all the nasty things I’ve said about Tea Partiers over the years, I’d better keep the knives off the table.