"Double Whammy" by Carl Hiaasen

BOOK TITLE: Double Whammy

AUTHOR: Carl Hiaasen

YEAR: 1987

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Environmental Thriller

GRADE: Pass

In the always wacky state of Florida, RJ Decker is a private investigator trying to make ends meet and his latest assignment fetches a high price. He’s assigned by an arrogant sports fisherman named Dennis Gault to catch his rival Dickie Lockhart cheating in a high stakes fishing tournament. What seems like an easy assignment quickly escalates into a murder conspiracy involving a psychotic eco-terrorist, a seductive blackmailer, and a shady televangelist to name a few. Nobody is safe from this chaotic form of storytelling and that’s the way Carl Hiaasen likes it.

One thing I will always love about Mr. Hiaasen’s books is how reliable he is when it comes to delivering the goods. I haven’t read a bad Hiaasen book yet and Double Whammy is no exception to the rule. It’s especially refreshing to read considering a previous book I read from another author was so god awful that I couldn’t make it past the halfway mark. There are plenty of aspects to choose from when it comes to liking a Hiaasen book: extensive knowledge of the law, colorful characters, satisfying comeuppances, or just being hooked until the very end (not unlike the twenty-plus pound bass the fishermen in this tournament are trying to catch).

When it comes to colorful characters, there are none more colorful than Clinton Tyree a.k.a. Skink. This former governor of Florida wanted to run his state the honest way, which meant refusing money from special interest groups and never selling out his democratic beliefs. And then he was forced out of office by his corrupt opponents and went delightfully insane. Now a drifting eco-terrorist, he runs around in a shower cap and rain suit looking for creative ways to dismantle his opponents. If this already sounds like a wonderfully-written profile to you, you’re in luck, because Skink is a recurring character throughout most of Carl Hiaasen’s catalogue.

And of course, wherever there’s Skink, black highway patrolman Jim Tile isn’t far behind. Don’t worry, because Jim Tile and Skink are actually close friends who help each other out for the common good. Mr. Tile takes a lot of racially-charged abuse from the people he pulls over on the highway, yet he maintains his cool and serious demeanor through it all. He doesn’t use force unless it’s absolutely necessary, in which case, his amateur wrestling background will come in handy for turning a racist redneck’s arm into a wet noodle. To be honest, we need more cops like Jim Tile and less murderers like Darren Wilson. If black readers ever need a hero to look up to, they can always rely on Jim Tile to be their role model.

Thank you, Carl Hiaasen, for bringing me another fantastic crime novel and thank you for being a constant influence on my own writing. There’s a reason why you’re one of my favorites. In fact, there are many reasons, but I won’t name them all lest this brief review turn into a novel itself (and not a novel as entertaining as Double Whammy). I’ve made it a personal goal of mine to read through Mr. Hiaasen’s entire catalogue. I’ve already blitzed through over half of it, so getting through the rest is going to be easy-breezy-lemon-squeezy. A passing grade will go to this delightful and fun novel!

"Sick Puppy" by Carl Hiaasen

BOOK TITLE: Sick Puppy
AUTHOR: Carl Hiaasen
YEAR: 1999
GENRE: Fiction
SUBGENRE: Environmental Thriller
GRADE: Pass

Twilly Spree is a twenty-something Floridian eco-warrior who would gladly beat somebody’s ass if they screwed with Mother Nature. The first of his victims in this story is Palmer Stoat, a sleazy lobbyist who shamelessly chucks food wrappers out of the window of his car. Mr. Stoat becomes even more disgusting when he tries to put together a political deal to build a bridge to Toad Island, thus burying the wildlife beneath the sand. To teach him a valuable lesson in respecting the earth, Twilly will go to some vile lengths whether it’s filling Palmer’s car with dung beetles, filling his other car with a dump truck’s haul, kidnapping his dog, or kidnapping his wife Desie, who’s already sickened with him anyways. Other colorful characters join the fray in an extortion scenario more chaotic than a deadly hurricane.

When finding things to love about Carl Hiaasen’s work, the colorful characters are the first to come to mind. After Twilly beats up some college drunkards for injuring a seagull with beer cans, you pretty much have no choice but to like the guy. The kidnapped doggie, Boodle/McGuinn, proves to be a sweetie pie and pivotal to bringing the story to its wild conclusion. Even the main villain of the story, Mr. Gash, has some quirky habits, such as listening to tapes of violent 9-1-1 calls while dubbing them with dramatic classical music. But none are quirkier than the returning Clinton “Skink” Tyree, a braid-bearded, shower cap-wearing, glass eye-having, and nearly naked eco-terrorist with a delightfully misanthropic side to him. There’s not one character in this book who won’t strike the reader as wonderfully weird.

But as much as you love to read about these cartoon-like characters, some of them you’ll wish a nasty fate upon. Mr. Gash is a sociopath hit man, so he should go first on the barbecue rack. Palmer Stoat is already a classless litterbug, but he’s also a heartless wildlife hunter with worse marksmanship than Ray Charles. Robert Clapley is a huge part of the bridge deal that’s going to kill off wildlife, but he also has a psychotic fetish for Barbies (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Governor Dick Artemus is just as…well…dickish as his first name suggests with his sleazy politics and loudmouthed behavior. No need to worry about these morons making it to the finish line, because sooner or later, everybody, and I mean everybody from this book gets what they deserve. Such is the way of Mother Earth.

If you’re intimidated by the fact that this book is five hundred plus pages long, relax. Carl Hiaasen’s thrillers always dictate a fast pace without neglecting the finer details of his prose. Everything is shown like a movie on TV from the details of Mr. Gash’s god-awful haircut to the creative way in which he gets his comeuppance. Even when Mr. Hiaasen is giving a History Channel-like lecture on the back stories of his characters, you can still enjoy the ride and not feel like he’s trying too hard to maintain your interest. Trust me, he doesn’t have to try at all. After several decades of writing these kinds of humorous novels, kick-ass environmental storytelling is as easy to him as breathing in and out.

Although Carl Hiaasen novels are entertaining and fun to read, there’s also an important message behind all of the chaotic violence, Sick Puppy being no exception. The message of land and animal preservation is highly apparent in this book since we actually get to see what kinds of shady deals go on between lobbyists and politicians, both Democrat and Republican. Money controls everything in politics and as long as there’s lots of it going around, nobody’s going to care what happens to the baby toads or cuddly squirrels of Toad Island. If on the other hand you actually have a soul like Twilly Spree and Clinton Tyree do, you’ll realize that there are more important things in this world that money such as intelligence and decency. Will Carl Hiaasen’s novels change the minds of ignorant people? I hope they do. A passing grade goes to this wonderfully crafted piece of literature.

In Perfect Harmony

***IN PERFECT HARMONY***

I have no idea why, but the lyrics to the Within Temptation song “In Perfect Harmony” made me dewy eyed when I read them online. That’s not the same is full-fledged crying, but it was close. I still hold the 2007 record for the last time I bawled like a baby. But if you all want to know what these lyrics are, keep reading. You might get dewy eyed too.


VERSE 1
In a world so far away
At the end of a closing day
A little child was born and raised
Deep in the forest on a hidden place
Mother never saw his face

CHORUS
Ancient spirits of the forest
Made him king of elves and trees
He was the only human being
Who lived in harmony
In perfect harmony

VERSE 2
The woods protected, fulfilled his needs
Fruit by birds, honey by bees
He found shelter under trees
He grew up in their company
They became his family

VERSE 3
A thousand seasons
They passed him by
So many times, have said goodbye
And when the spirits called out his name
To join forever, forever to stay
A forest spirit he became


The question of the day is: did anybody else become teary when they read that or am I just fluff and stuff? We’ve got ears, say cheers!


***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTESTS AND COMPANY***

A new week means a new prompt. This time we’ve got “cabin” as our keyword and it turns out only one of my synopses fits the prompt. My story this week will be called “Cemetery Gates” (named after the Pantera song) and it goes like this:


CHARACTERS:

AJ Robbins, Traumatized Boyfriend
Eve Mills, Loving Girlfriend

PROMPT CONFORMITY: AJ and Eve are spending a weekend together in a cabin.

SYNOPSIS: AJ and Eve have been a couple for a long time now and all of the sudden Eve feels like her boyfriend is keeping secrets from her. When the two of them eat dinner together, she presses him about it and AJ becomes defensive. The secrets he’s been keeping are too traumatic for him to talk about and he prefers to keep those memories buried forever. AJ even refers to his mind as a cemetery gate since it keeps a graveyard of buried secrets underneath. The argument between this couple is a classic debate between having no secrets and respecting traumatic privacy.


***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

The last drawing I did was of Levi Lincoln, who’s basically Bray Wyatt in a British Guard shako. Up next? Marcus Edge from “Stardust”, who’s basically Clinton “Skink” Tyree from Carl Hiaasen’s novels with druidic magic and a hotter temper. Mitch O’Connor (space mercenary from “Stardust”) could have worn all the armor he wanted to, but his ass was lunch meat the minute Marcus Edge laid eyes on him. Yikes!


***OCCUPY WRESTLING***

I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t been moving any faster than a snail’s pace when editing these chapters. But getting them edited I’ve been doing and it will continue with chapter six and seven, where the police get a nasty surprise in the form of hooded druids with snake masks and magical powers. Where the hell is Marcus Edge when you need him? Better yet, where the hell is Mitch McLeod when Debra Winter needs him?!


***JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What do pop music and scissors have in common?
A: Rock beats both of them.

"Star Island" by Carl Hiaasen

BOOK TITLE: Star Island
AUTHOR: Carl Hiaasen
YEAR: 2010
GENRE: Fiction
SUBGENRE: Environmental Thriller
GRADE: Pass


In this deconstruction of celebrity culture, untalented pop singer Cherry Pye is on the brink of becoming a mega-star with the concert tour of her latest album Skantily Klad. She’s also a drug and alcohol nightmare for her parents, handlers, and paparazzi. Whenever she’s too toasted to go out in public to ruin her career, Ann DeLuisa, her identical imposter, goes out for her and behaves normally. A perverted paparazzo named Bang Abbott desperately wants a photo of Cherry Pye at her worst so that he can sell it for hundreds of thousands of dollars. But when he kidnaps the stunt double, the plot to keep Ann’s name out of the press becomes a chaotic clusterfuck for Cherry’s parents.

I’ve been a fan of Carl Hiaasen’s for almost half a decade now, which I realize is a short period of time considering his lengthy and productive career, but “Star Island” is another reminder of why he’s one of the best in the business when it comes to fast-paced and comedic thrillers. The dialogue is witty, the action never slows down for a minute, and the whirlwind of chaos that ensues in this book is perfectly planned out from beginning to end.

It should also be known that two of Hiaasen’s most famous characters are reintroduced in this book: Skink (deranged ex-governor of Florida turned eco-warrior) and Chemo (flaky-skinned criminal with a weed whacker where his hand was supposed to be). Though they are on opposite alignments at first, the further you read into this book, the more you realize they have a lot in common. They have a disdain for spoiled brats, they don’t take shit from anybody, they’re both on the wrong side of the law, and they can be cunning when they need to be. Chemo prefers to be a hard-ass who trims his victims with his weed eater and Skink prefers more creative methods, such as, attaching a sea urchin to a scumbag banker’s testicles. Sooner or later these two longtime Hiaasen characters are going to meet. And when they do, you’d better batten down the hatches.

Pretty much every character in this book has something kooky going on with them. Aside from Skink’s craziness and Chemo’s intimidation, you also have the main character of the book, Cheryl Bunterman, aka Cherry Pye. This woman deserves no sympathy whatsoever. She’s an airhead, she lip-synchs her way to popularity, she’s spoiled, she’s shallow, and she’ll do any drug she can get her hands on. Chemo is already a loose cannon, so when he’s hired to protect Cherry and keep her out of trouble, even he’s driven to insanity.

Any other kooky characters who mesh well with a chaotic plot? How about the pedophilic CEO of Jailbait Records Maury Lykes? How about the deceptive banker and environmental hazard Jackie Sebago? Bang Abbott is no angel himself: he’s 300 plus pounds of sexual perversion and bottom feeding behavior, which is perfect for his paparazzo occupation. Ann DeLuisa might be one of the few people in the book with a sane head on her shoulders. How she keeps from going insane in the captivity of Bang Abbott is a mystery in itself. All of the characters mesh perfectly with each other whether they’re allies or driving each other nuts. There is not one hint of bad chemistry among these comedic forces.

In addition to playing to his usual strengths of chaotic comedy and environmental hammering, Carl Hiaasen is also a master at dissecting celebrity culture. There’s always this fascination with a celebrity couple doing something as simple as walking the streets together. There’s an even bigger fascination with pop stars who crash and burn under their own stupidity and weakness. We as civilians like to talk about celebrities like we know all about them. We put them on pedestals one minute, but when they fuck up just once, the media shit storm becomes too much to handle. Some celebrities deserve their privacy, while those in the same vein as Cherry Pye deserve to crash and burn and wind up in the shit house. The things people will do for fame and fortune, for better or worse, are all documented in Hiaasen’s novel. If you’ve ever wanted to put celebrities under a microscope instead of on a pedestal, by all means, pick up a copy of “Star Island”.

There’s a reason why Carl Hiaasen is one of Florida’s most widely recognized authors: it’s because he never disappoints when he releases a new novel. Sometimes I grab a Hiaasen novel whenever I’ve read something from another author that was awful. It’s the perfect cure for the one-star blues. A passing grade for a brilliant author and his book.

Stormy Weather by Carl Hiaasen

BOOK TITLE: Stormy Weather
AUTHOR: Carl Hiaasen
YEAR: 1995
GENRE: Fiction
SUBGENRE: Environmental Thriller
GRADE: Pass


A hurricane passing through southern Florida has brought out all types of colorful characters wanting to exploit the stormy weather for their own personal gain. While on a honeymoon with his wife Bonnie, Max Lamb takes his camcorder and films the devastation of the hurricane for his own personal amusement. Edie Marsh and her psychopathic partner in crime Snapper come up with a plan for insurance fraud that involves a little blood splatter along the way on Snapper’s part. Tony Torres is trying to defend himself after several mobile homes he sold were ripped apart during the storm, mobile homes he guaranteed were safe.

In the middle of it all is Skink, a former governor who went off the deep end and became a diehard eco-warrior with loony methods of convincing people not to screw with nature. These weird ass characters and plenty of others come together eventually for a chaotic climax to a story about hurricanes.

If you’ve ever read anything from Carl Hiaasen before, you would take special note of that last word “chaotic”. The crazy characters all have a way of meeting each other and the results of their meetings only serves to intensify the insanity. But this isn’t just any chaos we’re talking about here. This is controlled chaos. That means Carl Hiaasen’s character count is high and he’s actually able to contain and develop them all within 388 pages.

Writing a Carl Hiaasen novel is a lot like running an insane asylum: you’ve got a lot of people to control and occasionally there will be rioting. Add to all of this a hurricane and things get out of hand rather quickly. Mr. Hiaasen must feel more like a babysitter at times instead of an author. I commend his ability to watch over that many people at one time.

I’ve said this before about other novels, but it bears repeating: a happy ending is not about IF it will happen, it’s about HOW. For an author, determining how a happy ending will occur will require believability. If you’re Carl Hiaasen, the happy ending will not only be believable (despite the story being told in a world of lunacy), it will also be hilariously fitting.

The main villain of this story as you will quickly find out is the trigger happy ass-hat known as Snapper, a white supremacist criminal who has a crooked jaw and an all around ugly face. Everybody in this book is guilty of exploitation, but only Snapper is treated as the biggest asshole in the book, no likeability at all. He might even be what TV Tropes calls a Complete Monster. While I won’t divulge what exactly happens to Snapper, I will give you one clue: it involves a certain red “club” that’s used to keep a steering wheel in place and prevent car theft. If your imagination isn’t as wild as Mr. Hiaasen’s, then I suggest reading the book to find out just what the hell I’m talking about.

Every Carl Hiaasen book I’ve read in my lifetime is either giggly, satisfying, agreeable, or all of the above. Stormy Weather is yet another triumph in Mr. Hiaasen’s legacy. He remains one of my favorite authors to this day, especially since he has something I value in a lot of authors: a fast pace. A passing grade will be given to this wonderful novel.