Problematic Authors

(sigh)…I need some advice from internet land. What I don’t need is to be called a “woke snowflake” and anybody who says something to that effect will be permanently booted from my immediate vicinity. I have two whole bookcases full of unread books and some of those books were written by authors of…questionable character. Do I read those books anyways? Do I mercilessly roast the authors who wrote them when I do my online reviews? Do I sell the books online or donate them to either a library or a thrift store? In case you’re wondering which books I’m talking about, here’s a brief list of what I’ve got:

1. “Al Franken: Giant of the Senate” by Al Franken

2. “Bobby Kennedy” by Chris Matthews

3. “Book of Guys, The” by Garrison Keillor

4. “Cuckoo’s Calling” by Robert Galbraith

5. “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them” by JK Rowling

6. “God Delusion, The” by Richard Dawkins

7. “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child” by JK Rowling

8. “House of Dragons” by Jessica Cluess

9. “Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot” by Al Franken

Now…you’ll notice right away that conspicuous by their absences are Frank Miller and CJ Box. You could call that hypocrisy on my part. You could say that I don’t have a consistent gage for what I consider to be toxic behavior. Or you could say that you know you done fucked up as an author when you’re considered more toxic than Frank Miller and CJ Box. As far as I know, CJ Box hasn’t tried to grope women in public. Frank Miller seems remorseful over some of his bad comics, as opposed to covering his own ass like Jessica Cluess. What do you guys make of all this? And remember: be respectful in the comments section. I know this isn’t everyone’s favorite topic, so if you don’t have anything cool to say, then skip over this post.

Help Me, Walter Hollywood

 He lights a cigarette, compromises his health

Fresh lungs don’t matter in this neo-noir hell

Every day someone is murdered and forgotten

Until the corpse makes the streets smell rotten

“Help me, Walter Hollywood,” says the dame

Every transaction starts to all sound the same

An envelope of cash, smoke the last of the ash

Hope to god her lover isn’t thrown out like trash

But before he slings the questions around town

Obligatory sex scene with hushed moaning sounds

Almost makes the lover a complete afterthought

But there are bills to be paid, killers to be caught

Every fedora-wearing wise guy takes a swing

Until Walter’s eyes water, nose bleeds, ears ring

Anymore snooping and he’ll be full of bullets

Take his scalp until he’s only left with a mullet

Walter taps the dame up for a little more money

She laughs like his misery and bruises are funny

Admission of failure is just another part of the job

She winks one more time and turns the doorknob

Another body just washed up on the riverbank

Bricks around his ankles ensured that he sank

His face was so familiar despite the taped mouth

And the two black eyes and his nose cut out

Finding the lover was as easy as reading the paper

Nothing about this mystery made Walter feel safer

The money he was paid made him look like a hit man

Police would arrest him, lock him up with a big man

Capitalism made people do the weirdest things

Wait tables, scrub floors, stand on the streets and sing

Taking unclean money seemed like the way out

Why isn’t the dame’s freedom in any kind of doubt?

It’s a system that abuses everyone who struggles

Locks up the failures with big men who snuggle

Gangsters and politicians sip from a glass of wine

And every femme fatale continues to look so fine

"Force of Nature" by C.J. Box

BOOK TITLE: Force of Nature
AUTHOR: C.J. Box
YEAR: 2012
GENRE: Fiction
SUBGENRE: Mystery Thriller
GRADE: Extra Credit

I don’t give five-star reviews very often. When I do, it’s because the book wasn’t just likeable, but it moved me in some way. I’ve always known Mr. Box to be a competent writer, but I wasn’t expecting to be completely blown away by this piece of fiction. The action and drama in this mystery made me feel alive. It heightened senses within me that were otherwise dulled by the COVID-19 pandemic going on and all the psychological fallout from that. Why wouldn’t this book be exciting? You’ve got a hardnosed warrior named Nate Romanowski who’s in a cat and mouse game with his former commander. You’ve got the always professional Game Warden Joe Pickett, whose family is being threatened by this bloody struggle. You’ve got increased paranoia and distrust among people who are supposed to be supportive of Joe and Nate. You’ve got all the makings of a tried-and-true thriller turned up to twenty. Bloody violence, enigmatic characters, betrayal, and no reason to believe that Nate and Joe are capable of winning. Do they? You’ll ask yourself that question all throughout this reading experience. You’ll have doubts as your anxiety increases. If they do win (and that’s a big if), you’d better believe they’re walking away with trauma and scars.

Speaking of trauma, the way C.J. Box portrays Nate Romanowski is just as disturbing and cold as the character himself. He’s not just an emotionless killer. He’s got an entire history behind him that bubbles to the surface far too often for the reader’s comfort. The military training he had to endure, the fallout with his father, and the coldness required for training falcons, they all will send a chill up and down your spine as if you’re actually trapped in Wyoming’s winter weather. You’ll be eternally grateful that Nate is one of the good guys, because if he for some reason turned evil, this world would turn into a bloodbath. Sometimes you wonder if his innocence is completely gone and maybe he does have evil tendencies. He’s a shades-of-gray hero, but those shades are darker than the night sky. If you ever see Nate Romanowski in real life, you’d better turn the other way and run. He’s got his morals for sure, but he’s also got a heart of stone that could make even the toughest of tough guys knock their knees together in fear. If you think he’s all bark and no bite, just watch the way he tortures people to get what he wants and how quickly he can kill someone in a life-or-death brawl.

The minor role characters can be just as compelling to read about. The one I feel like I have to talk about the most is Pam Kelly, whose husband Paul and son Stumpy were murdered by Nate after they tried to assassinate him. When Pam was younger, she had her starry eyes set on a handsome superstar cowboy. She even carried his baby, who grew up to be Stumpy. But instead of landing a country stud, she settled on Paul and led a mediocre life. Pam was angry when Paul and Stumpy were killed, not because of them, but because she felt like she threw her life away on those two and had nothing to show for it. Old and fat in today’s world, she doesn’t have a chance at starting over and has to clean up the mess left behind by the only two men in her life. While Pam isn’t the kindest character in the book, she is one of the most sympathetic. I’m fat myself and am looking down the barrel of wasted opportunities. Pam’s characterization hit me hard, even if we don’t get to see a lot of her.

Joe Pickett is always a reliable character when it comes to likeability. He’s professional, he’s intelligent, he always knows what to say and when to say it, and he’s a family man at heart who goes the extra mile for those he loves. April, Joe’s adopted daughter, is as bratty and nasty as she has ever been, even going so far as to mock her sister Lucy for missing her high school play. Lucy and Sheridan both have their own projects outside of home and when a monkey wrench is thrown in their plans, they have no problem with showing their disappointment and rage. Marybeth is a caring wife, nurturing mother, and efficient librarian, the latter of which will come into play when she’s being stalked at her place of work (another source of dramatic tension). Kyle McLanahan is a cartoonish redneck Sheriff who somehow keeps getting public praise despite his idiocy. Aside from April, there’s not a character in this book that I felt slowed the pace of the story. Everybody has a role and everybody plays their role with undying commitment. Seriously, though, somebody please give April the spanking of the century.

Out of every book I’ve read from C.J. Box’s catalogue, Force of Nature is without a doubt my favorite among them. Will there be others that exceed or meet that standard? I’m sure Mr. Box can figure out a way to make that happen. He truly earned every award and every word of praise he’s racked up over the years. Even people with opposing political views from Box will get a kick out of his mysteries. They’re well-written, they’re enjoyable, they’ve got splendid character work, and Force of Nature in particular stands out the most in terms of quality. Five stars out of five for this brilliant piece of fiction!

"Basil of Baker Street" by Eve Titus

BOOK TITLE: Basil of Baker Street
AUTHOR: Eve Titus
YEAR: 1958
GENRE: Fiction
SUBGENRE: Children’s Mystery
GRADE: Fail

Listen…I know this is a children’s book and that certain liberties can be taken when it comes to judging the audience’s wisdom. Eve Titus didn’t have to be the second coming of David Baldacci, C.J. Box, or Brett Battles. But this kind of leniency is no excuse for insulting the intelligence of the readers. Yes, I know: Basil is a detective mouse and he’s modeled after Sherlock Holmes. To his credit, he’s got some serious deduction skills. Dawson, his assistant, could definitely learn a lot from him. While Basil does pick up on subtle clues that blend too easily in the background, there are some pieces of this mystery that aren’t so subtle, hence the insult to the readers’ intelligence and wisdom.

For example, let’s first look at the name of the kidnappers in question: The Terrible Three. Right off the bat, you know they’re the main villains of the story. And that’s really all the depth they’re given as characters. I understand that this is a short book and character development can’t always be achieved with so few pages. But please…at least TRY to make an effort at subterfuge. When we finally meet The Terrible Three, their villainy is never in doubt because of how angry and vulgar they act around other mice. If it wasn’t for the fact that their twin girl victims were missing, they could be arrested right away and there wouldn’t be a need for a story. There might not even be a kidnapping, the villains are so obvious.

And if the villains are going to send a messenger to do their dirty work, they might want to consider somebody who isn’t a nervous wreck all the time. Shuffling feet, shifting eyes, short answers, these are the telltale signs that they extorted Hawkins the sailor into delivering the ransom note. No subtlety there. In fact, I dare say that it doesn’t take a Sherlock Holmes to figure that out, much less a mouse that learns everything he knows from him.

Oh, I almost forgot about Basil. Never forget that he’s the world’s greatest mouse detective. If you need a reminder, the opening sentences of the book will tell you. Not show you. Tell you. That alone should be suspicious to a wise reader. You know what else would be? Basil being a complete Gary-Stu. He’s perfect in every way, not counting his horrendous violin playing. He only shows vulnerability once in this novella and that’s when he provokes The Terrible Three and a pack of minions into brawling with him and Dawson. Anybody want to guess how that fight turns out? Let’s see: two scrawny detectives versus a bunch of muscle-bound bruisers. Maybe Basil isn’t the brightest bulb in the drawer after all. But it was all part of a plan. Good for him. I’d hate to see what would happen if he botched that plan or if the Terrible Three and their minions were a little TOO aggressive in the brawl.

I guess I shouldn’t have had high hopes for this novella to begin with. Yes, it became a Disney movie. Yes, it has cute animals as characters instead of humans. But the writing is just plain insulting. I’m not even worried about the “wild Indian” and “good housewife” stereotypes, because those are nothing compared to a badly-written story. I can’t give this book anything more than two stars out of five. I wanted to like it, but I couldn’t. Sorry!

"Cold Wind" by C.J. Box

BOOK TITLE: Cold Wind
AUTHOR: C.J. Box
YEAR: 2011
GENRE: Fiction
SUBGENRE: Mystery/Thriller
GRADE: Pass

Will Joe Pickett find out who murdered wind farm scammer Earl Alden? Will Nate Romanowski exact revenge on the people responsible for his girlfriend’s death? These questions and many more will haunt you during your entire reading adventure through Cold Wind. Just when you think you can breathe a sigh of relief, there’s another twist or obstacle that comes around the corner to mess things up. Even as the book winds down to a close, there’s no room to breathe comfortably. Earl’s murder isn’t an open and shut case; there’s a conspiracy at work involving pyramid schemes and Joe’s own disliked mother-in-law Missy, who is the first accused. And Nate? He can’t depend on the law to help him since he’s an outlaw himself. When you want a revenge murder done right, you’ve got to do it yourself with the help of gigantic pistols and stealthy know-how. All in all, this is a well-crafted mystery that will keep you guessing until the end. You want to cheer for Joe and Nate to find justice. You also want their stories to intertwine since they were former friends. You may have to wait patiently and put together the pieces like everyone else, but your eagerness to crack the case won’t allow you to step away from this book. That’s the mark of a good mystery: always keeping the readers hungry for more.

Behind all of the good writing and carefully-constructed mysteries, the author has an obvious rightwing agenda. This book was published in 2011, when conservatives were paranoid about where their tax money was going. Speaking from my own liberal point of view, I appreciate the fact that C.J. Box’s politics don’t come off as ham-fisted. They’re tolerable so as long as they play a vital role in how the mystery unfolds, which they do. One thing that rubbed me the wrong way, though, was the whining and complaining about diversity in a mostly-white state like Wyoming, which is where the book takes place. People say it’s about preserving realism, I say it’s about celebrating bigotry. But that’s just my opinion. Obviously, the politics of this book didn’t bother me enough to put it down permanently. I read the whole thing from cover to cover and it’s still an effective murder mystery no matter what biases the reader has. I can still get behind characters like Joe Pickett, Nate Romanowski, Marybeth Picket, Alicia Whiteplume, and yes, even Marcus Hand despite this defense lawyer’s sometimes piggish behavior.

You know who I can’t get behind, though? Joe’s adopted daughter April, who comes off as whiny, spoiled, and bratty in all of her appearances in this book. So her parents took away her electronics. Big deal! With all of the venom pouring from this kid’s mouth, I’m surprised they didn’t give up on her right away. At least with Sheridan, you’ve got a college kid who’s worried about navigating life on her own. With Lucy, you’ve got a high school kid who wants her parents to acknowledge the fact that she earned a part in the school play. There’s no reason to feel sympathetic towards April. Yeah, she had a hard go of things in the first Joe Pickett novel, but unless you’re familiar with that side of her story, then all the reader is going to see is a bratty little goblin. At least there’s a reason for Missy Alden’s wicked behavior even as she’s trying to prove her own innocence. It plays into the story. April? Get her out of here already. She’s too much.

While this book isn’t going to change your life or convert anybody to C.J. Box’s beliefs, it will provide you with an exciting thriller with protagonists you can love and cartoonish villains you can hate. Joe Pickett’s family man shtick is evident in not only his personal life, but also in how he takes care of business as a game warden. When he does make stupid mistakes, they’re not so stupid that his family is left without a father figure and a husband. When Nate Romanowski hunts down his girlfriend’s murderers, he does it with precision and intelligence, which is more than I can say about some of the hillbilly villains. Cold Wind gets four out of five stars for being an enjoyable mystery/thriller and not having to be anything more than that.

Knives Out

MOVIE TITLE: Knives Out

DIRECTOR: Rian Johnson

YEAR: 2019

GENRE: Murder Mystery

RATING: PG-13 for violence and language

GRADE: Pass

In a family full of rich, spoiled brats who all claim entitlement to Harlan Thromby’s fortune (and are all cut off from his will), who could possibly want him dead the most? Who would want all of that money for themselves so badly that they’re willing to commit revenge murder to get it? Is it book publisher Walt Thromby? Is it social media influencer Joni? Is it alt-right troll boy Jacob? Truth is, everybody in this family is so unlikable that any one of them would make a convincing suspect. Some are more worthy of hate than others and that may lead you, the viewer, to obvious conclusions. You’re tempted by the obvious choice, but know deep down that’s not always the case. This mystery is so nuanced and so complicated that you’ll not only yearn to know who did it, but also how. Any mystery movie that can keep the wheels turning in your mind for as long as possible counts as a great story in my opinion. Knives Out is that great story. That’s what I expected going into the movie theater and that’s what happened.

In a movie genre where lying is paramount, I love the fact that Marta, Harlan’s personal nurse from [insert Latin country here], spills her cookies every time she lies. It could be a clever plot device. It could be a convenient way to keep her honest. Or maybe it’s just a fun little gimmick to make sure the audience knows what side she’s on. Either way, the gimmick doesn’t overstay its welcome and plays an important role in the story so many times that it’s completely necessary. It’s not even a crutch to get out of storytelling plot holes. It’s there because it needs to be. Marta is a kindhearted woman anyways, but even she makes her fair share of enemies in this movie. She’s not a total Mary-Sue in that respect. Plus, she has her own deep dark secret that may or may not influence the detective work going on throughout. The plot will thicken, not unlike the intestinal acid that bursts from Marta’s mouth every time she tells a whopper.

As to be expected with a rogue’s gallery as the main character roster, there will be some bickering among them and there are some genuinely funny moments in their dialogue. The political discussions are incredibly hammy from the basic talking points to the argot used by both the leftwing and rightwing characters. “How’s that SJW degree going, Meg?” says the most obnoxious member of the family Ransom, who’s seen eating a package of cookies at the will reading. Speaking of which, I nearly bust a gut when Walt makes an offhand remark about Harlan leaving Ransom a glass of milk in the will, proceeded by a swear word insult I will not repeat in this review. Even the serious dialogue is entertaining to listen to and at times accidentally comes off as humorous. Bottom line: it’s hard to be bored with a movie like Knives Out whether it’s the dialogue, characters, or overall mystery that you’re intrigued by.

This movie met my expectations the minute I walked through the theater door. No more, no less. I wasn’t expecting to be emotionally tear-jerked by this movie, but then again, Knives Out doesn’t have to do that. It’s just a fun story from beginning to end. It was cleverly crafted, beautifully acted, and not a single detail went to waste. This movie gets four out of five stars a.k.a. the passing grade. Rian Johnson gets a lot of heat for the way he handled his Star Wars movies. I personally don’t have a problem with them, but if Mr. Johnson needed to wash away the muck from his criticism, Knives Out was the movie to do it. Was it considered for an Oscar? I’m not sure, but it should have been.

"Deadly Storm" by Richard Castle

BOOK TITLE: Deadly Storm

AUTHOR: Richard Castle

YEAR: 2011

GENRE: Graphic Novel

SUBGENRE: Crime Fiction

GRADE: Mixed

Derrick Storm is a smalltime private investigator whose recent assignment opens up an entire world of conspiracies involving money transfers and rogue CIA agents. The case starts off with Derrick spying on a cheating husband in a trailer park and continues with calls from CIA Agent Clara Strike wanting to hire him for a bigger job. Derrick is continually backed into a corner every time he thinks he’s in the clear, yet he figures out creative ways to get himself out of these sticky situations. Can he put the finishing touches on this case or will these rogue CIA agents disappear without a trace forever?

I’ve read a lot of crime fiction in my day and I’ve also watched a lot of police procedurals on TV. I know the formulas they use inside and out, front to back, and side to side. While I can’t piece together every single part of the formula, I do know that this graphic novel follows it down to the last detail. It depends on the formula so much that it becomes just another crime story rather than sticking out from the pack. It was enjoyable for what it was, but I’ve seen this scenario play out over and over again with other books and TV shows. Nothing about this graphic novel was original, but I still liked reading it. To put it mildly, this graphic novel was just plain fine. Not great, not terrible, just fine. Mediocre at best.

I wanted to give this book a higher grade when I read the opening line: “I’m not exactly an expert on what functioning adults do.” I know it’s unrealistic to expect that the opening line from every single likeable book should hook the reader instantly, but this is one of those rare occasions when it does. It had so much potential to show how messed up Derrick Storm really is. But sadly, I never got to see much of that beyond him joking about how his dad messed him up for life. In other words, he told the audience rather than showed them, which is a huge no-no in the writing business. Sure, he has nice one-liners here and there, but then again, so do a lot of hardboiled detectives. What makes Derrick Storm special? I can’t think of anything, really.

And while we’re on the topic of failed attempts to be original and cool, let’s talk about the names of the characters for a moment. We already know the main character’s name is Derrick Storm. We also know that his CIA handler is named Clara Strike. But did you also know that the trailer park prostitute is named Sassy Monroe (that’s a pseudonym, believe it or not)? I appreciate solid over-the-top names in my literature, but not when they’re so obvious that it becomes pretentious after a while. I’m not saying they should have boring names, don’t get me wrong. But there’s a middle ground between boring and over-the-top that would be suitable in a crime fiction setting. This is not it.

I’ve been pretty hard in judging this graphic novel, but don’t think for a moment that it wouldn’t make a nice gift for the mystery-lover in your life. It’s a quick read, it’s pieced together without any continuity issues, and it has all the whistles and bells that any detective story needs. If I hadn’t memorized this formula already, I might have a higher appreciation for it. But as it is, a mediocre graphic novel gets a mediocre mixed grade from me.

Game Night

MOVIE TITLE: Game Night

DIRECTORS: John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein

YEAR: 2018

GENRE: Black Comedy

RATING: R for violence, language, and suggestive dialogue

GRADE: Pass

Competitive gamers Max and Annie Davis have the chance to upstage Max’s obnoxiously successful brother Brooks when he sets up a live action murder mystery game with a Stingray Corvette at stake. As part of this role-play, masked criminals raid Brooks’s house and kidnap him, though the fight scene looks a little too realistic for everybody’s tastes. The deeper Max, Annie, and their gamer friends dig into this mystery, the more they realize that it wasn’t a role-play and that Brooks’s life really is in danger.

I know that this is supposed to be a goofy comedy movie, but it could easily pass for the thriller genre due to how well-constructed the mystery is. Every time you think Max and his friends have the answers, there’s always another swerve to cut them off at the knees. There are no easy solutions and not everything is part of a role-playing game. That’s the mark of a good thriller: it keeps you guessing until the climax. You don’t know how, you don’t know why, you don’t know who, but if you pay close attention and wait until the end, it’ll all become as clear as day.

And then you have the various subplots within the main one which make hopping between characters an interesting way of storytelling. Max and Annie are trying to have a baby, but Max’s sperm count is low because he’s stressed out by his brother. A black couple named Kevin and Michelle keep arguing over which celebrity Michelle allegedly cheated on Kevin with. Ryan and Sarah argue over Ryan’s blatant stupidity and ignorance while Sarah comes off as a posh and intelligent Irishwoman. Gary is a socially awkward cop who wants to join game night, but keeps getting ignored due to his weirdness. And then we find out that Brooks isn’t really who he says he is, though I’ll say no more than that, because I don’t want to give away spoilers. Bouncing from subplot to subplot keeps the movie from getting monotonous, though it’s hard for monotony to happen when there’s so much comedy going on all at once.

Yes, let us never forget that this is a comedy first and foremost. I watched this movie with my older brother and we kept guessing who the celebrity was that Michelle slept with. We were hoping and praying that it wasn’t Bill Cosby. Oh dear. Speaking of Michelle and Kevin, they received a clue from the mystery role-play where they’re looking for an object that holds whiteness together. Kevin’s first guess was Donald Trump, but it was actually a stapler since paper is white. And finally, another favorite part of mine is when Max’s bullet wound drips all over Gary’s dog, carpet, and shrine of his ex-wife. Yes, I said it: there was blood all over a shrine of Gary’s ex-wife. Let that sink in for a moment. I’d tell you more funny parts, but I’d rather you watch the movie yourselves.

If you’re in the mood for some good wholesome fun, watch Game Night, though I don’t really think wholesome is the word to describe it. It’s dirty, it’s dark, it’s funny as hell, and it’ll make you want to have a game night of your own, though hopefully yours won’t involve kidnapping and murder. Maybe you should just stick to Scrabble. They don’t kill people in Scrabble…as far as I know. A passing grade goes to this hilarious black comedy!

"Double Whammy" by Carl Hiaasen

BOOK TITLE: Double Whammy

AUTHOR: Carl Hiaasen

YEAR: 1987

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Environmental Thriller

GRADE: Pass

In the always wacky state of Florida, RJ Decker is a private investigator trying to make ends meet and his latest assignment fetches a high price. He’s assigned by an arrogant sports fisherman named Dennis Gault to catch his rival Dickie Lockhart cheating in a high stakes fishing tournament. What seems like an easy assignment quickly escalates into a murder conspiracy involving a psychotic eco-terrorist, a seductive blackmailer, and a shady televangelist to name a few. Nobody is safe from this chaotic form of storytelling and that’s the way Carl Hiaasen likes it.

One thing I will always love about Mr. Hiaasen’s books is how reliable he is when it comes to delivering the goods. I haven’t read a bad Hiaasen book yet and Double Whammy is no exception to the rule. It’s especially refreshing to read considering a previous book I read from another author was so god awful that I couldn’t make it past the halfway mark. There are plenty of aspects to choose from when it comes to liking a Hiaasen book: extensive knowledge of the law, colorful characters, satisfying comeuppances, or just being hooked until the very end (not unlike the twenty-plus pound bass the fishermen in this tournament are trying to catch).

When it comes to colorful characters, there are none more colorful than Clinton Tyree a.k.a. Skink. This former governor of Florida wanted to run his state the honest way, which meant refusing money from special interest groups and never selling out his democratic beliefs. And then he was forced out of office by his corrupt opponents and went delightfully insane. Now a drifting eco-terrorist, he runs around in a shower cap and rain suit looking for creative ways to dismantle his opponents. If this already sounds like a wonderfully-written profile to you, you’re in luck, because Skink is a recurring character throughout most of Carl Hiaasen’s catalogue.

And of course, wherever there’s Skink, black highway patrolman Jim Tile isn’t far behind. Don’t worry, because Jim Tile and Skink are actually close friends who help each other out for the common good. Mr. Tile takes a lot of racially-charged abuse from the people he pulls over on the highway, yet he maintains his cool and serious demeanor through it all. He doesn’t use force unless it’s absolutely necessary, in which case, his amateur wrestling background will come in handy for turning a racist redneck’s arm into a wet noodle. To be honest, we need more cops like Jim Tile and less murderers like Darren Wilson. If black readers ever need a hero to look up to, they can always rely on Jim Tile to be their role model.

Thank you, Carl Hiaasen, for bringing me another fantastic crime novel and thank you for being a constant influence on my own writing. There’s a reason why you’re one of my favorites. In fact, there are many reasons, but I won’t name them all lest this brief review turn into a novel itself (and not a novel as entertaining as Double Whammy). I’ve made it a personal goal of mine to read through Mr. Hiaasen’s entire catalogue. I’ve already blitzed through over half of it, so getting through the rest is going to be easy-breezy-lemon-squeezy. A passing grade will go to this delightful and fun novel!

Flight Plan

MOVIE TITLE: Flight Plan

DIRECTOR: Robert Schwentke

YEAR: 2005

GENRE: Mystery Thriller

RATING: PG-13 for language and violence

GRADE: Pass

Kyle Pratt and her six-year-old daughter Julia are flying from Berlin to New York City with Kyle’s dead husband stowed away in a coffin underneath the plane. Kyle takes a short nap and awakens to find her daughter missing. She goes around the plane asking everybody where she is and nobody can give her an answer. Upon further inspection, Julia Pratt was never even on the flight manifest. Kyle’s search becomes more frantic and her anger has the other passengers worried about their own safety. Has the grief of her husband made her delusional or is there a bigger conspiracy at work here? Nobody has these answers for Kyle because nobody onboard cares about her.

The mark of any good mystery is being able to keep the audience guessing until the climax. I kept watching because I genuinely wanted to know what on earth happened to Julia. There was even a time when I bought into the theory that Kyle was delusional. This is cinematic gas-lighting at its finest and I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. While I won’t reveal Kyle and Julia’s fates, I will say that the movie’s harshest criticisms are misplaced. Some say the plot is over-the-top or confusing, but I don’t agree with that at all. Everything is perfectly clear by the story’s ending. A little cheesy at times, but clear nonetheless. Maybe the critics need to watch it multiple times in order to piece everything together, but the pieces are there and no stone is left unturned.

The one thing I agree with critics on is that the acting is superb no matter which character is being portrayed. Kyle Pratt is a convincing mother who just wants the best for her daughter. Whether it’s the tender moments they have together or the mother’s near psychotic search for Julia, Jodie Foster was perfect for the role and I wouldn’t want anybody else playing Kyle. Even the whiny passengers who kept getting on each other’s nerves had me convinced this was real whether it was kids slapping each other, parents wanting peace and quiet, or xenophobic Americans getting in scuffles with Arab passengers.

The one controversy I need to address as far as acting goes, however, is the portrayal of the flight crew. Apparently, their “rude and uncaring” attitudes painted actual fight attendants in a negative light. I personally don’t see this as a blanket statement. I see it as an intricate part of this well-crafted mystery. Everybody is supposed to be against Kyle Pratt because they think she’s crazy. Why should the flight crew be any different than the passengers who clapped for her getting handcuffed by the air marshal? While Kyle’s anger is well-placed, if taken out of context, it would be annoying to a bunch of passengers who’ve been on the plane for north of six hours. I’ve been on irritating flights before and I was seething deep inside, just like any rational person would be. Don’t look for controversy where there is none. We’re all human and we all get angry.

The movie received mixed reviews from critics, but I happened to find Flight Plan to my liking. I went into the movie expecting to be on the edge of my seat and that’s exactly what happened. Sure, Flight Plan isn’t anything mind-blowing or overly-philosophical, but it doesn’t have to be. Not every cinematic masterpiece has to be deep and profound. Sometimes it’s just meant to be enjoyed. Flight Plan gets a passing grade from little old me.

"King and Maxwell" by David Baldacci

BOOK TITLE: King and Maxwell

AUTHOR: David Baldacci

YEAR: 2013

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Crime Thriller

GRADE: Pass

Sean King and Michelle Maxwell are a pair of former Secret Service Agents turned Private Investigators who take on a teenage military brat named Tyler Wingo as their latest client. Tyler is told by the Army that his father, Sam, was killed in combat overseas, but he still receives text message and emails from Sam despite this. Sean and Michelle’s snooping around gets them into hot water with the government as well as a vengeful former soldier named Alan Grant. The two private detectives unlock a conspiracy theory that could get both of them killed, or worse, sent to Guantanamo Bay for violating national security. That’s a risk both are willing to take if it means giving Tyler Wingo the peace of mind he deserves.

David Baldacci’s decades of experience shine through in his writing to where even the most oblivious readers can see it. The fast pace, which is a hallmark of any thriller or mystery, is one of the most enjoyable parts of the book. The knowledge of rules and regulations when it comes to dealing with the government? Check. The frustration the detectives feel of putting together scattered pieces of a massive conspiracy puzzle? Double check. Villains and heroes who both know what the hell they’re doing? Triple check. This novel is foolproof when it comes to tying up loose ends and making sure nothing is based on the author doing guesswork. This is a well-crafted mystery that makes perfect sense when the reader gets closer to the end.

Another detail I’d like to applaud is how the clear villain in all of this, Alan Grant, has a sympathetic side to him, thus making him three-dimensional. Villains shouldn’t be evil just for evil’s sake. This poor bastard had parents who committed suicide because of their part in a corrupt military scandal in Iran. Fast forward to the events of the novel and that’s a lot of time Alan Grant had to think about how to plan his ultimate revenge. He served in the Army, so he has combat training down to a science. But fighting in a war that traumatic can only add fuel to his already volcanic fire. If Alan’s suppressed anger was a weapon, it could easily be a nuclear missile. He appears calm and collected in front of his wife, kids, and father-in-law. But inside, he’s hurting so badly that he’s borderline insane. Right or wrong in his actions, there’s no denying that Alan had a raw deal. I can’t hate the guy even though he’s a disgusting villain.

The final part of this novel that I enjoyed had more to do with personal satisfaction rather than overall impact on the story. As part of his revenge plot, Alan Grant buys a broken down radio station and has it completely remodeled. By the time the project is finished, the building has a strong internet signal, satellites and electricity everywhere, security traps that kill upon triggering, soundproof acoustics, and an overall clean feel. I’m a closeted home improvement junkie, so watching all of this take place gave me my fill. I never like to see abandoned buildings get left behind and not used ever again. I can imagine things like abandoned grocery stores becoming heavy metal arenas. I can picture a former Taco Bell building being transformed into a geek store. Hell, in my hometown of Port Orchard, the Blockbuster Video on Mile Hill became the new location for Taco Bell. That’s pretty damn cool in my book. So in addition to writing badass thrillers, David Baldacci might very well be a home improvement nut too. I like that!

King and Maxwell is a quick and satisfying read from cover to cover. It’s action-packed, intelligently-crafted, and character-driven. What more could you ask for in a mystery thriller from a legend in his field? I wouldn’t mind reading other books from the King and Maxwell canon if they’re anywhere near as good as this one. Hell, I might have to branch out into other canons Mr. Baldacci has delved into over the decades. The passing grade this book receives is well-earned!

"Paper Towns" by John Green

BOOK TITLE: Paper Towns

AUTHOR: John Green

YEAR: 2008

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Young Adult Mystery

GRADE: Extra Credit

Straight-laced high school senior Quentin Jacobsen has had a crush on the free-spirited and mysterious Margo Roth Spiegelman since he was a little boy. He loves her so much that he agrees to go with her on a late-night revenge prank spree against everybody in Orlando, Florida who has ever wronged her from backstabbing best friends to promiscuous ex-boyfriends. The very next day, Margo goes missing and leaves behind a trail of clues for Quentin and his friends, Ben and Radar, to track down. Everyone seems intent on giving up on Margo and getting on with their own lives, except for Quentin, who is determined to find her even if it means missing out on his most important life moments.

While I won’t divulge what the ending result of this story is, I will say that it hit me harder than a flying brick to the skull. It was painful to where it almost made me cry, but it was a necessary pain that conveyed the message of the story all too well. It shows how dangerous putting people high on a pedestal can be, especially when those “idols” fail to live up to your expectations. Lord knows I’ve had a lot of crushes in my lifetime and still have some today. I keep thinking these women are angels sent from the heavens to steal my heart away and make me eternally happy. And that’s why they say, “Never meet your idols, because they will disappoint you.” I spent the entire reading of this book thinking the best was going to happen and then I get a much-needed slap in the face. Thanks for that, John Green.

I also admire Mr. Green’s ability to incorporate preexisting pieces of literature into the clues of his mystery. The bulk of these clues rely heavily on a Walt Whitman poem called Song of Myself. The themes of death, rebirth, and burial create a deep sense of fear within Quentin that Margo might be dead. But then there’s another piece of literature that fits in perfectly as well: Moby Dick. Captain Ahab becomes so obsessed with finding this whale that it nearly kills him. It reminds me of The Shawshank Redemption where Andy Dufresne expands the prison library and one of the books is The Count of Monte Cristo, a novel about breaking out of prison and getting revenge on those who locked him up. It’s a fascinating literary technique that has stood the test of time. After all, the classics never go out of style, right?

And then we have the theme of paper towns, phantom settlements with fake names that have no business being on official maps. After Margo takes Quentin with her on the revenge spree, she talks about Orlando being a paper town due to the lack of real people with real emotional substance. In other words, the citizens are too concerned with shallow values such as getting laid, buying things, and being better than everyone else. I’d want to go missing from a place like that if I could. Come to think of it, I did live in a “paper town” as Margo describes it. It was called Chehalis, Washington and it’s the town where I considered suicide for the first time in my life. It too was filled with people who walked around like zombies and stabbed each other in the backs. I left that place in 2001 and only came back in short bursts. One can’t help but think Margo has a good point, which is why it’s easy to fall in love with her even from many miles away.

Paper Towns is a book that transcends the young adult genre and is accessible to any age group. Lord knows there are older adults that will feel a sense of jaded nostalgia when they read about the activities going on in this novel. To those people, I say be thankful that you can leave your past behind and look forward to a better day. Be grateful for your newfound maturity so that you don’t make the same mistakes that Quentin Jacobsen makes in this novel. An extra credit grade goes to John Green for giving me the slap in the face that woke me up from the matrix.

"Basket Case" by Carl Hiaasen

BOOK TITLE: Basket Case

AUTHOR: Carl Hiaasen

YEAR: 2002

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Mystery

GRADE: Pass

Jack Tagger, Jr. is a middle-aged former elite reporter who has since been demoted to writing micromanaged obituaries after going on a tirade against his newspaper’s corporate masters. Life is slow, miserable, and boring for Mr. Tagger until he’s tasked with writing an obituary for Jimmy Stoma, a rock and roll icon who is believed to have drowned in an unfortunate diving accident. Jack’s investigative instincts cause him to dig deeper into this case in an attempt to uncover a conspiracy involving murder and number one hit songs. Without the support of his supervisors, Jack has to make do with his relatively short leash and his modicum of clues and suspicions. Can he bring closure to the family of his all-time favorite musician or will Mr. Stoma’s case go cold before it even begins?

Colorful, wisecracking characters are to be expected from Carl Hiaasen’s thrillers and Jack Tagger himself is no exception to that rule. It won’t matter whether the subject is sex, rock and roll, journalism, politics, or violence, because Jack, who happens to be the first person narrator, will always get a chuckle out of the reader with his commentary. A sense of humor is probably necessary for his necromantic line of work. Without it, he’d probably go crazy and there would be nobody to give Jimmy Stoma his due sending off. If he wasn’t so dedicated to being a newspaper reporter, he could probably make it as a standup comedian.

But he’s a truth-seeker first and a smart-ass second. He’s dedicated to weeding out the BS of corporate news even if it means getting himself in boiling hot water. His dedication to his art form is second to none, so much so that he would have seen Jimmy Stoma’s case through even after potentially being fired. In today’s era, we need more honest people like him to deliver the world’s news, even if that news tastes bitterer than a dissolved Xanax tablet washed down with horse piss beer. At forty-six years old, he doesn’t have time for corporate shenanigans or dishonest scum bags.

Speaking of not having time, Jack Tagger’s obsession with death is fascinating to read about, especially when he compares his own age to those of dead celebrities he once admired. Writing obituaries for so long makes him wonder when his morbid end will finally come and how it will happen. So many of his favorite public figures have died at forty-six years old and even at slightly older than that. His grim obsession has driven his loved ones away from him despite their pleas for him to just forget it and be happy with what he has.

It’s creepy to think about, but since it’s a Carl Hiaasen novel, it’s almost comical in a way. One of Mr. Hiaasen’s gifts to his profession is his ability to mix seriousness with humor in a subtle way that doesn’t take the reader out of the story. Trust me, there will be plenty of times to get darkly serious, especially when more bodies drop and living people mysteriously vanish. Despite Jack Tagger’s disdain for guns, he just might have to use one in order to see this case through. You can still chuckle at his wisecracks, just stay on the edge of your seat while it’s happening.

Of course, Jack Tagger isn’t the only colorful character you can expect great things from. Jimmy Stoma, even in death, is mentioned as a party animal with a deep soul and undying charisma. Emma Cole, the twenty-something editor at Jack’s paper, is a pain in the butt at first, but turns out to be a charming sweetheart once the reader gets to know her. Janet Thrush, Jimmy Stoma’s sister, has a day job as an internet stripper with a SWAT team gimmick; if that doesn’t pique your interest, I don’t know what will. Juan Rodriguez is a Cuban immigrant who is so good at writing newspaper stories that he might as well be a New York Times bestselling novelist.

And then you have the characters that deserve a stone-handed punch to the face. Cleo Rio, Jimmy Stoma’s widow, comes off as a shallow and spoiled pop princess with no appreciation for what her husband left behind. Jerry, Cleo’s chubby bodyguard, is a little harder to punch in the face due to his fighting abilities, but that doesn’t mean you won’t want to at least give it a try. Loreal is a bogus music producer with about as much credibility as the corporate profiteers running Jack’s newspaper outlet. Speaking of which, Race Maggad III (jokingly called “Master Race” by Jack Tagger) cares more about making money than he does about producing truthful news and his crippling budget cuts make that very clear.

The battlefield is set and the goofy characters are ready to clash with each other over the mystery of Jimmy Stoma’s suspicious death and the fate of realistic journalism. If you want a well-constructed mystery with quotable one-liners and a reliable narrator, grab a copy of “Basket Case” by Carl Hiaasen. To my knowledge, he hasn’t written a bad novel in all of the times I’ve read his work. I don’t think he knows how to!

"A Nose For Justice" by Rita Mae Brown

BOOK TITLE: A Nose For Justice

AUTHOR: Rita Mae Brown

YEAR: 2010

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Cozy Mystery

GRADE: Pass

On a frosty winter in Reno, Nevada, former Wall Street executive Mags Rogers moves in with her great aunt Jeep Reed and brings along her wire-haired dachshund Baxter. During her stay, she becomes entangled in a mystery that involves blown up water pumps and dead bodies. Deputy Pete Meadows and his partner Lonnie investigate these strange events and unravel a conspiracy dealing with water rights, environmentalism, and land purchasing. The entire political landscape of Nevada is at stake and the killer must be found before everything descends into chaos.

As to be expected with a title like “A Nose For Justice”, you’re going to see some animal cuteness during your reading journey. I’ve already mentioned the little dachshund Baxter, but there’s also a bigger puppy-duppy named King, owned by Jeep Reed. The two dogs start off as distrustful strangers, but over time they form a much needed friendship in order to help unravel this water rights conspiracy. They run around together, they nibble on steak bones, they sleep by each other, and they even play in important role in the conclusion of the story, though I won’t give away how. While it’s true that the dogs aren’t seen as often as Pete Meadows and the Reed/Rogers family, you can’t help but want to reach through the pages and rub the dogs’ heads and bellies. They’ve certainly earned it.

The political and historical content is another upside to this story, though some reviewers argue that Miss Brown is too preachy. I don’t believe that’s the case. The lessons she teaches feel more like a college history class rather than a Sunday sermon. She reminds us all how precious water is and how it shouldn’t be squandered so easily. We think we’re going to have it forever, but in places like Nevada, characters in this book would commit acts of terrorism and murder for it, especially if money is involved. Extremism, big business, environmentalism, and even LGBT rights are among the topics discussed in this novel. These topics are handled with sensitivity and the points in favor or against them are made with the skill of a world class debater. You don’t have to agree with everything Rita Mae Brown’s characters talk about, but you’d better listen and give the author a chance.

The final high point I want to talk about is the characters and how quirky and lovable they really are. Mags Rogers is a woman trying to get back on her own two feet and you genuinely want to root for her all the way. Jeep Reed is a salty, but warm-hearted war veteran with more wisdom in her pinky finger than most businessmen and politicians have in their whole bodies. Pete Meadows is a true professional when it comes to his work as a cop; he asks the right questions and evokes the right emotions from his interviewees. Pete even has a little bit of a crush on Mags and she feels the same way. At first they tiptoe around each other, but when they come together for the good of the case and for the sake of true romance, you genuinely feel the love. Even the minor characters are worth investing your emotions into since they’re friendly small town folks you’d want to have as neighbors. There are also characters you love to hate, but I’m here to pick the flowers, not the weeds.

If you’re looking for a well-orchestrated detective novel with a crafty mystery, poignant wisdom, and lovable puppy-dups, pick up a copy of “A Nose For Justice”. At first I was hesitant about reading this since the last Rita Mae Brown book I read (Wish You Were Here) made me feel old due to its small town stereotypes. A Nose For Justice might feel that way for the first few pages, but if patience is one of your virtues, then I encourage you to read on and enjoy this book for the well-written prose it is. A passing grade goes to this amazing author. Great work!

"The Blood Guard" by Carter Roy

BOOK TITLE: The Blood Guard
AUTHOR: Carter Roy
YEAR: 2014
GENRE: Fiction
SUBGENRE: Urban Fantasy
GRADE: Pass


Ronan Truelove is a 13-year-old boy who spent his whole life taking martial arts and athletic classes on the orders of his mother. One day after school, those skills could very well come in handy. His mother loads him into the car and speeds away from evil-looking agents in suits and ties. After the mother and son manage to get away, Ronan is sent to the nearest train station to Washington, DC, to meet up with other people who are just as deadly with a sword as Mrs. Truelove. From that moment on, Ronan is accosted by other evil minions in suits without further explanation as to why all of this is happening. As the novel progresses, the mystery unravels and Ronan Truelove gets closer and closer to proving his worth to a world about to be thrown into chaos.

To say that this book is a little fast-paced would be like saying sumo wrestlers are just a little heavy. The action is hot and heavy. The breaks in said action are few and far between. It’s a nonstop sword slinging, laser beam shooting, acrobatic dive from one chapter to the next. The only idiom I can use to describe such a breakneck pace is, “No rest for the weary.” And it’s true: Ronan Truelove nor his companions can even tie their shoes before another group of suited minions tries to kill them. It all seems like random action at first, but that’s the nature of mysteries: all will be revealed in due time. Until then, kick back, buckle in, and hold on tightly. It’s a bumpy ride all the way to the end.

A good majority of this action is being performed by a main character, Ronan, who doesn’t look anything like a typical hero. He’s a 13-year old boy. He’s skinnier than a paperclip. He’s oblivious to even the most thought out explanations. His fighting skills are nowhere near as polished as those of his enemies. He’s just as fearful as a layman watching his battles from the sidelines. And yet, he’s perfect for this kind of story, because fantasy is not about extraordinary people doing extraordinary things. It’s about every day people like you and me accomplishing the impossible. If a little beanpole like Ronan Truelove can save the day and solve the mysteries that surround his attacks, then what other doors does that open for us? Maybe the reader can feel inspired as well. Maybe that’s what Carter Roy intended.

And while I won’t go into the exact details of the Blood Guard mystery, I will say that there are a lot of twists and turns in this bumpy road to heroism. You’ll find out things you never would have imagined possible about the story arc. You’ll be surprised by everything, especially near the end of the story when the reader finds out who’s responsible for all of this chaos. I couldn’t be more silent about this plot if I had duct tape over my mouth. If you want to know what the hell is going on in this turbulent tale, you’ll have to figure it out on your own. Buy Carter Roy’s book and give him your patronage. And know that there’s plenty more mystery where that came from, especially since The Blood Guard is the first in a series of novels featuring Ronan Truelove. Then again, do you really want such an adrenaline-pumped story to end so soon? A passing grade for a badass novel.

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“The CIA doesn’t kill people anymore, they neutralize them or they depopulate an area. The government won’t lie to you anymore, they’ll engage in disinformation. The Pentagon actually measures nuclear radiation in something they call sunshine units. Israeli murderers are called commandos. Arab commandos are called terrorists. Contra killers are known as freedom fighters. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?”

-George Carlin-

"Open Season" by CJ Box

BOOK TITLE: Open Season

AUTHOR: CJ Box

YEAR: 2001

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Crime Thriller

GRADE: Pass

As the new Game Warden for Twelve Sleep, Wyoming, Joe Pickett hasn’t made a whole lot of friends. Whenever he needs to write a ticket or make an arrest, he does it without a second thought. It wasn’t anything personal until a former suspect of his wound up dead in a woodpile in his backyard. Three other hunters ended up dead in what would appear to be an open and shut case. Joe wasn’t satisfied with such an easy ending. He looked further into this case and uncovered a conspiracy involving an endangered species and plans to build an oil pipeline from Wyoming to California. The danger even goes deep enough to involve his family, the same family he vowed to protect throughout all of this.

Joe Pickett is far from a perfect character, which is actually a compliment and not an insult. As readers, we identify more with flawed characters than we do Gary-Stu’s. Joe tries to be the by-the-books, no-nonsense good guy, but occasionally he makes mistakes that cost him dearly. For example, in the opening moments of the book, Ote Keeley, the dead suspect I mentioned earlier, steals Joe’s gun right out from under his nose and could have killed him right there. Instead of dying, Joe took a huge hit to his pride. He constantly berates himself for not being a good enough husband to his wife or a father to his children. He fears that one of these blunders could cost him his entire family. And then what? What would he do with himself then?

Joe’s moral compass is one of the things that make this novel such a fascinating read. The other thing of course is how the mystery and the action is put together. Everybody knows that a happy ending is almost always on the horizon. The question then becomes, how? With all of these obstacles and unanswered questions in Joe Pickett’s way, how exactly does he go through hell and earn the ending he so rightly deserves? If I revealed the how’s, then I would need to post a spoiler alert. All you need to know is that Joe Pickett is the standup guy he so desperately wants to be. He puts his family first and himself second. With that kind of mentality, do you honestly believe he would settle for anything less than a shut case?

And then of course, there’s the political side to CJ Box’s Joe Pickett series, to which Open Season is the first one. As a hardcore liberal, commonsense would dictate that I would be irritated with the conservative views shown on this book. But I’m not. In fact, I don’t mind at all. As long as CJ Box continues to put out instant classic after instant classic, I’ll continue to read them like the devoted fan I am. Did I also mention that I’m a liberal who listens to Five Finger Death Punch and an atheist who listens to Skillet? The point I’m trying to make is that politics don’t dictate enjoyment. CJ Box sounds like a conservative, but he’s not overly preachy when it comes to his views. Open Season is not the first CJ Box book I’ve read and it sure as hell won’t be the last.

All in all, not only did CJ Box kick down the doors with his first Joe Pickett novel, but he also won so many awards and all of those victories were completely justified. This novel is fast-paced, emotional, and well-orchestrated. What more could you possibly want out of a mystery novel than that?

Believability in Nonfiction

Currently sitting on my “to-read” shelf is “A Million Little Pieces” by James Frey. I haven’t even started it yet and already it intrigues me, mainly because of the media shit-storm that Mr. Frey had to endure due to allegations of his nonfiction work being a sham. Whether or not this is true is irrelevant to me. You know why? Because I don’t give a shit if a story is real or true, as long as it’s entertaining. If you want to know how ridiculous this media circus is, then know this. Whenever any nonfiction book gets published, there are actually “detectives” out there who fact check every little part of the story. Right down to the last detail. If you had chicken fried steak for lunch one day and wrote down that you had a double bacon cheeseburger instead, prepare to be crucified. They can be that extreme sometimes. I think to myself, “Hey, Dick Tracy, shut the fuck up, will you? You’re full of more shit than the author you’re persecuting! Your breath is so bad, I don’t know if you need a breath mint or toilet paper!” Granted, the book is placed in nonfiction for a reason, but I’m not exactly getting my underwear in a knot over it and either should Dick Tracy. If on the other hand we’re talking about things like slander and libel, then I could actually see the other side of this argument a lot clearer. I will admit that most libel cases are complete bullshit since people will sue over someone expressing a negative opinion about them. But if it’s legitimate libel, then that means the negativity was played as a fact and the victim’s life could actually be ruined as a result of that. In which case, go ahead and sue the motherfucker for all he’s worth. But don’t give me this speech about how a nonfiction book has the potential to be a bunch of hallow lies. It’s like people who say they hate professional wrestling because it’s fake. You know what I say to those people? “Oh yeah? Well, Harry Potter’s fake and I don’t hear you crying about that!” Every time I have this conversation with my mother, she seems somewhat upset that Harry Potter is not real. That’s some serious devotion right there, though I don’t know if it’s aimed at Harry Potter being real or pro-wrestling being fake. The lesson of the day? Stop caring if a piece of literature really happened or not. It doesn’t fucking matter. If you read the book and liked it, isn’t that all that counts in the end? Now if it was a newspaper or a textbook that was considered fiction, then I’d actually have the energy to worry about it. But until then, just read your novel and enjoy it!

　

***COMMERCIAL QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“You can’t believe everything you read on the internet. Otherwise, I’d be a Nigerian millionaire by now.”

-Kevin Butler advertising the Playstation 3-