Edge Lords

VERSE 1

While my hands are soaking in Ivory liquid

You’re still choking your teenage chicken

While laughing with some rightwing trolls

About Nazi violence so bloody and cold

Ovens and lynchings are hilarious to you

Keep on flashing that disgusting salute

You do it all for the sake of being edgy

While lives are at stake and always ending

CHORUS

Edge lords! They’re coming in hordes!

Edge lords! They draw their swords!

Edge lords! They started this flame war!

Edge lords! I hate what they stand for!

VERSE 2

We’ve all been kids at some point or another

But not all of us have beaten each other

Not all of us have gone marching in the streets

Homemade flamethrowers bringing the heat

Not all of us have spewed vitriol and lies

To the point where another wanted to die

You’re not edgy and cool, you fucking fool

You’re just another easily-controlled tool

CHORUS

Edge lords! They’re coming in hordes!

Edge lords! They draw their swords!

Edge lords! They started this flame war!

Edge lords! I hate what they stand for!

VERSE 3

None of us are perfect, our sins aren’t worth it

Some of us take the past and fucking burn it

Some of us would rather lead good lives

Than make misogynist jokes to our wives

We’d rather give hugs and not ass kickings

That’s how we diffuse bombs that are ticking

We’d rather create a future we can live in

Heil all you want, but we’ll never give in

EXTENDED CHORUS

Edge lords! They’re coming in hordes!

Edge lords! They draw their swords!

Edge lords! They started this flame war!

Edge lords! I hate what they stand for!

Edge lords! Time to cut the cords!

Edge lords! Short circuit their ports!

Edge lords! Go hide in the sewers!

Edge lords! You fucking losers!

Milk Bottle Supermodel

VERSE 1

You have no reason to bitch and complain

Yet you still do it whenever you want fame

The body of a model and the face of an angel

Taking bloody shots from a sniper’s angle

You can call it bratty, you can call it entitled

But evil bitchiness is where it will be filed

History is not on your side and you know it

Try to fight it and you’re just going to blow it

CHORUS

Milk! Bottle! Super! Model! X4

VERSE 2

You’re a disgrace to your whole generation

You’re not even worth quick masturbation

You can’t get ratings for your own station

You can’t convince the entire fucking nation

That you’re more than a fireball of rage

That you’re more than a puppet on stage

That you’re better than the minimum wage

That you’re wise beyond your millennial age

CHORUS

Milk! Bottle! Super! Model! X4

VERSE 3

We see right through your tainted beauty

What we see makes us pissed and moody

A demonic soul with a heart full of holes

A hellish dwelling stacked high with coals

You could blame your parents or yourself

The way you think isn’t good for your health

Devils in one ear, drill sergeants in the other

We’re stronger than the fools you try to smother

CHORUS

Milk! Bottle! Super! Model! X4

FINAL BRIDGE

You can call it privilege, you can call it promise

You can call it ego, you can call it solace

No matter the words that you choose

You know in your heart you’re going to lose!

Nadia Rinehart

NAME: Nadia Rinehart

AGE: 19

OCCUPATION: Street Fighter

CANONS: Hardcore Hell 2 and Chainblazer

As a staunch democrat, most of the characters in my story identify as politically liberal atheists. I’m not alone in projecting my views on my characters, because CJ Box and Carl Hiaasen do the exact same thing for their parties. Naturally, my conservative characters are few and far between. And yet, they do exist. Keegan Day from “Occupy Wrestling” qualifies. Gail Reinhold once held those beliefs and she was a hero. And now let’s add one more name to that small, yet growing list: Nadia Rinehart.

Before I changed her name to something that didn’t sound like a NASCAR redneck’s name, Gail Reinhold’s last name was Rinehart, which meant she was related to Nadia. Gail got her start in Hardcore Hell 1 and then a whole generation passed into Hardcore Hell 2, where we get Gail’s now grownup niece, Nadia.

During her time in Hardcore Hell 2, Nadia proved to be an even nastier version of her aunt when it came to brutal fighting skills and a general mean streak. She was part of a straightedge gang called Throw Down, Motherfuckers, which is a conservative parody of the real life gang Fuck Shit Up aka Friends Stand United.

If you smoked weed, shot heroine, drank vodka, or even thought about using the lord’s name in vain, Nadia and her boyfriend Johnny Filter were there to put you in the ICU. Punches, kicks, elbows, knees, and the occasional judo hip toss were employed by Nadia and her gang. No guns were necessary, because guns are for pussies (even though Nadia is against gun control).

By the time Hardcore Hell 2 went in the shitter after ten chapters, Nadia was recycled into another story entirely: Chainblazer, a cyberpunk neo-noir story where corporations turned ordinary people into mindless, yet ultra-powerful slaves by wrapping fiery chains around their wrists and ankles. Nadia’s role this time wasn’t a conservative gangster, but rather a criminal informant whose transgressions were minor compared to what she did in Hardcore Hell 2.

Then again, living on the streets with no parental supervision of any kind lent itself to a life dependent on the kindness of strangers. Nadia’s help as a CI led the two main characters, Rollin and Tarja, to the release of a corporate slave named Marcus McKnight, a muscle-bound black dude who was the prototype for those fiery chains. Marcus then revealed information to everyone that these chains were being mass produced and the corporation responsible needed to be raided. In the happy ending, Nadia’s reward for all of her help was being set up with a job and low cost housing. Not bad!

Chainblazer was yet another story that went ker-plunk before it even had the chance to be ripped apart by critics. The excessive number of plot holes, the no-selling of attacks, and the froufrou writing style led the story down the path of destruction. And this all means now that Nadia is once again without employment.

During her experiences on my word processor, she’s been both a villain and a hero. If I ever use her again, I’d want her to be the badass gangster bitch she was in Hardcore Hell 2 since that’s what I originally envisioned for her. She was great in Chainblazer, but too weak for my tastes. Besides, as I look at my unemployed character ledger, I have more female heroes than I do female villains. Get in line, Nadia Rinehart. You’ll see the light of day again.

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“All marriages are same-sex marriages. Every night, it’s the same sex.”

-Bill Maher-

"Open Season" by CJ Box

BOOK TITLE: Open Season

AUTHOR: CJ Box

YEAR: 2001

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Crime Thriller

GRADE: Pass

As the new Game Warden for Twelve Sleep, Wyoming, Joe Pickett hasn’t made a whole lot of friends. Whenever he needs to write a ticket or make an arrest, he does it without a second thought. It wasn’t anything personal until a former suspect of his wound up dead in a woodpile in his backyard. Three other hunters ended up dead in what would appear to be an open and shut case. Joe wasn’t satisfied with such an easy ending. He looked further into this case and uncovered a conspiracy involving an endangered species and plans to build an oil pipeline from Wyoming to California. The danger even goes deep enough to involve his family, the same family he vowed to protect throughout all of this.

Joe Pickett is far from a perfect character, which is actually a compliment and not an insult. As readers, we identify more with flawed characters than we do Gary-Stu’s. Joe tries to be the by-the-books, no-nonsense good guy, but occasionally he makes mistakes that cost him dearly. For example, in the opening moments of the book, Ote Keeley, the dead suspect I mentioned earlier, steals Joe’s gun right out from under his nose and could have killed him right there. Instead of dying, Joe took a huge hit to his pride. He constantly berates himself for not being a good enough husband to his wife or a father to his children. He fears that one of these blunders could cost him his entire family. And then what? What would he do with himself then?

Joe’s moral compass is one of the things that make this novel such a fascinating read. The other thing of course is how the mystery and the action is put together. Everybody knows that a happy ending is almost always on the horizon. The question then becomes, how? With all of these obstacles and unanswered questions in Joe Pickett’s way, how exactly does he go through hell and earn the ending he so rightly deserves? If I revealed the how’s, then I would need to post a spoiler alert. All you need to know is that Joe Pickett is the standup guy he so desperately wants to be. He puts his family first and himself second. With that kind of mentality, do you honestly believe he would settle for anything less than a shut case?

And then of course, there’s the political side to CJ Box’s Joe Pickett series, to which Open Season is the first one. As a hardcore liberal, commonsense would dictate that I would be irritated with the conservative views shown on this book. But I’m not. In fact, I don’t mind at all. As long as CJ Box continues to put out instant classic after instant classic, I’ll continue to read them like the devoted fan I am. Did I also mention that I’m a liberal who listens to Five Finger Death Punch and an atheist who listens to Skillet? The point I’m trying to make is that politics don’t dictate enjoyment. CJ Box sounds like a conservative, but he’s not overly preachy when it comes to his views. Open Season is not the first CJ Box book I’ve read and it sure as hell won’t be the last.

All in all, not only did CJ Box kick down the doors with his first Joe Pickett novel, but he also won so many awards and all of those victories were completely justified. This novel is fast-paced, emotional, and well-orchestrated. What more could you possibly want out of a mystery novel than that?

Real Time with Bill Maher

TITLE: Real Time with Bill Maher

GENRE: Political Debate and Comedy

RATING: TV-MA for strong language

GRADE: Depends on the episode

As I write this review for my lovely audience, I don’t want any of you to think this is me putting the boots to Bill Maher. I have a lot of respect for him both as a comedian and as a political commentator. In case you haven’t figured it out from my internet postings over the years, I have very strong liberal beliefs. In 2004, I voted for John Kerry and in 2008 and 2012, I voted for Barack Obama. Naturally, I agree with the things Bill Maher says almost 90% of the time. I especially enjoyed what he had to say about the recent police brutality incidents going on all over the country.

As far as his talk show goes, it’s not Bill Maher himself who makes or breaks each episode. It’s his fucking guests. Some episodes, his guests are polite and have great conversational chemistry together, and that goes for both liberal and conservative guests. Despite being on the opposite side of the political fence as him, I actually think Steve Schmidt, John McCain’s campaign advisor, carries himself in a calm, intelligent, and respectful way and having him on the show is always good to see.

And then there are those episodes where the guests are at each other’s throats like it’s an episode of WWE Smackdown. You know the guests I’m talking about: always interrupting each other, always talking loudly, always saying rude shit, and in some cases always taunting the audience. Does anybody remember the episode where Christopher Hitchens flipped off the audience? How about the ones where Dana Rorabacher created a sonic boom with his dialogue alone.

While it is true there are more rude conservative guests than liberal ones, there are liberal guests who are capable of holding Bill Maher’s show hostage. Gary Schandling answered his fucking cell phone in the middle of a political discussion. Roseanne Barr had more dialogue in one show than most guests have in multiple episodes. The biggest example of a show hostage taker is one I know I’m going to regret saying, mostly because he recently committed suicide. I’m talking about Robin Williams, who on one episode interrupted everybody with random jokes and committed the mortal sin of interrupting Bill Maher’s New Rules segment.

Bottom line: it’s not just being liberal or conservative that can make a guest annoying. It’s the way that guest presents himself on television to an audience who really just wants to see Bill Maher pop off jokes. The problem with his show is most of the time he invites crazy guests who destroy the whole night for the audience. At that point, I’m not even sure if New Rules can make me laugh since I’m too angry from all the fighting among the guests.

Mr. Maher, I’m not saying this to be mean to you, I’m saying it to you as a fan and hopefully a friend someday. Have a filter for the people you invite on your show. Dana Rorabacher already ruined one show with his shrill screaming, so don’t bother inviting him back on the set. I could also tell you were getting sick of SE Cupp’s ageist jokes when you had PJ O’Rourke as the final guest. You probably invite these lunatics on your show as a way to boost ratings. Trust me, Bill, this is not the way to get high ratings. If you want a pro-wrestling example of bad TV gone even worse, I’ve got three letters for you: WCW.

"Nowhere To Run" by CJ Box

After reading “Nowhere to Run”, you have to wonder to yourself which one is worse: hearing dueling banjos in the middle of the forest or hearing something played on a pink iPod that was stolen off of a random woman’s belongings? If you answered the latter, you were probably quivering in your snakeskin boots at the presence of Camish and Caleb Grim. And why wouldn’t you? They’ve been slashing tents, butchering elk, and vandalizing property all over the park that Joe Pickett has to investigate. Not only do the two brothers appear to be the ones who did it, but they’re not going down without a fight. And when they fight, they use the most vicious tactics a hunting bow and bone-crunching traps can provide. Good luck, Mr. Government Man, I mean, Mr. Pickett! As long as we’re wishing good luck to a guy that’s been referred to as a “government man” (much to his chagrin), I believe it’s time to fill you in on what CJ Box appears to be about. In terms of political acumen, it would seem that Mr. Box is a mirror image of Carl Hiaasen. And why wouldn’t the former be? He lives in Wyoming and walks around in a cowboy hat all day long. It’s not a huge secret that Wyoming is a hotbed for conservative politics. A lot of those politics show through in CJ Box’s writing, particularly as it relates to much later in the book where government corruption runs rampant. The woman that Joe Pickett is looking for up in these mountains was said to have been a diehard Ayn Rand fan. The Grim brothers weren’t much different when asked about their political stances. As a hardcore liberal and even more hardcore socialist, I should be upset that one of my favorite books has this kind of agenda attached to it. The truth is, I’m not. I’m not shocked that a cowboy from Wyoming thinks differently from me. My only advice to readers of his books is to enjoy them for their quick pace, intelligent writing style, and three-dimensional characters all across the board. I even dare say that I could learn something from Mr. Box as it relates to my own writing. Then again, whenever I compare myself to someone else, I usually end up hating what I’ve written down. Short moments of low self-esteem are a small price to pay for learning how to write from one of the best in the business: CJ Box.

　

***CONCERT QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“So as everyone here knows, Mr. Randy Blythe is free and well. We’re going to do this next song for him. Because no one gets left behind!”

-Ivan Moody from Five Finger Death Punch-

"Tourist Season" by Carl Hiaasen

Are you actually surprised that yet another Carl Hiaasen book has made its way onto my blog? Unlike a death row inmate in Texas, you won’t be shocked. “Tourist Season” is another example of what a quick and witty writing style can accomplish. This book was written in the mid-80’s, when Mr. Hiaasen was budding as an author of environmental thrillers. Now he’s got an entire sprawl of them written all the way up to the present day. This one in particular deals with a private investigator named Brian Keyes, who unravels a terrorist plot to murder tourists in Florida in order to bring the state back to its “former glory”. Among these whack-a-loons include a 300 lb. black football player, a Cuban bomb maker who sucks at making bombs, a Native American recluse, and of course, the biggest nut job in the entire group, a former newspaper columnist named Skip Wiley. Before being discovered by Brian Keyes as a rightwing terrorist, he knew Skip as an eccentric and hateful writer who in his columns actually wished that a hurricane would come through Florida. He also had a theme in his writing called the “Asshole Quotient”, which was later dumbed down as the “Idiot Quotient”, where certain cities in Florida were rated by the number of tourists that “ruined everything”. As you can expect from this giggly cast of characters, there are a lot of high-spirited, silly moments in this book. Then again, there are also extremely dark moments, particularly when Brian is told that if he reveals the names of the terror cell members, the violence in Florida will get worse. How can it possibly get any fucking worse, you probably ask yourself. Carl Hiaasen’s blend of darkness and humor will keep that imagination of yours going for a long time. Your guess is as good as any first-time reader’s. And when the pieces of this mystery come together for you, you’re going to say to yourself, “Carl Hiaasen has done it again”. Then again, I don’t remember a time when Mr. Hiaasen doesn’t get the job done. I trust him so much that when he recommended “Swamplandia” to whoever would listen, I naturally bought a copy off of Amazon and it’s currently in my queue. Thanks, Mr. Hiaasen, for yet another instant classic!

　

***TWEET OF THE DAY***

“Another casualty of global warming: as the poles melt, most would rather not see Santa in a bathing suit.”

-Neil DeGrasse Tyson-

"Soulless" by Susan Estrich

Do you miss the good old days when there wasn’t such a huge rift between political parties? As illustrated in Susan Estrich’s 2006 nonfiction masterpiece “Soulless”, people like Ann Coulter have taken that rift and turned it into a monstrous black hole. Centerism is dead because of the conservative pundits who use harsh language and venomous tones to talk down to their liberal counterparts in order to rally up those who watch them. When today’s conservatives watch Ann Coulter say things like, “My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times building.”, they don’t think, “Man, what a nut job!” They think, “Let’s go kill some liberals!” It makes political sense, but it’s bad for the country. Very bad. Ann Coulter can get away with stirring up this kind of hatred because of a few nuances that she has going for her. One, she never uses curses words, which would place nicely into the Christian right’s hands. Two, she peppers her phrases with Christian references, also playing nicely into their hands, obviously. Three, and this is the part that really drives things home, she looks good in a dress (or such is the common wisdom). Why do you think people like Sarah Palin, Christine O’Donnell, and Michelle Bachmann can get away with the things they say? Because they’re just Ann Coulter clones coming fresh off the assembly line. Of course, this book was written in 2006, so those three people weren’t as popular just yet. But you know who else was popular around that time? Glenn Beck. No one will ever want to see him in a dress, trust me, but he is every bit as vicious with language as Ann Coulter is, which is why people listen to him instead of writing him off as a lunatic. Susan Estrich intricately details how unless the conservative base stands up for itself and listens to reason, it will never get out of the dredges of the fringe. The worst part about all of this? Everyone appears to be just fucking dandy with this! See, I could never be an Ann Coulter wannabe! I just swore! That and I also don’t look good in a dress despite having huge knockers. Plus, I’m too liberal for that crap. Buy Susan Estrich’s book. Even after 2006 is in the rearview mirror, the book is still relevant in today’s modern era.
　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Calling all demons, this is the season. Next stop is therapy. We’re the retarded and the brokenhearted, the season of misery. Here’s to the wasted, I can almost taste it. The rejects, the wastes of times. Going to take it further, get away with murder. And no one here is getting out alive. Here’s to all God’s losers. The bottom-feeders frenzy. Here’s to all bloodsuckers, sing along with me. ‘Cause we don’t say no, scream one, two, three.”

-Green Day singing “Dirty Rotten Bastards”-