One-Legged Death Kick

VERSE 1

Did you hear the one about us getting criticized?

Did you hear the one about us with tears in our eyes?

Did you hear the one about us kissing up to the troops?

Shooting our machineguns from on top of the roofs?

Did you hear the one about us drinking all of the beers?

Did you hear the one about us being better than our peers?

I’ve been wrong about a lot of shit, but this I know is true

We also like to suck up to the cops who wear blue

CHORUS

We went from playing in rundown bars

To being bigger than Hollywood stars

We’re the One-Legged Death Kick

If you don’t like it, you can suck my…

VERSE 2

We only like compliments, not constructive critiques

But we insist that our critics are the only ones who’re weak

The only trickle down you’re going to get

Is boots and blood right in the back of your head

We also have enough guns to supply a small militia

If you try to take them from us, we’ll go ballistic

We wave our flags like they’re meaningful symbols

If you don’t like them, we’ll help you move to a shithole

CHORUS

We went from playing in rundown bars

To being bigger than Hollywood stars

We’re the One-Legged Death Kick

If you don’t like it, you can suck my…

BRIDGE

You’re a disease, too hard to please

We’re the patriots, so full of cheese

Left, two, three, four, hoo-fucking-rah

Everybody else can go get a fucking job

CHORUS

We went from playing in rundown bars

To being bigger than Hollywood stars

We’re the One-Legged Death Kick

If you don’t like it, you can suck my…

FINAL LINES

I pledge allegiance to the flag

Of the Confederate States of America

And to the republicans who blindly follow

With jowls big enough for bullshit to swallow

Amen!

Halestorm X In This Moment Concert

***HALESTORM X IN THIS MOMENT CONCERT***

It’s true, folks: I’ve been going to a lot of concerts this year alone. In chronological order, I’ve seen Pop Evil, Starset, Papa Roach, Soulfly, Breaking Benjamin, and Seether as headliners. This coming Friday, I’m going to see Halestorm and In This Moment as co-headliners in Seattle with New Years Day as their opener. It’ll be my first time seeing all three of these bands, so I’m happy for the new experience. I’ve been a fan of In This Moment since 2013 when their lead singer Maria Brink did a duet with Five Finger Death Punch (the song was called “Anywhere But Here”). I’ve been a fan of Halestorm ever since their lead singer Lzzy Hale did a duet with Device called “Close My Eyes Forever”. My CD collection of both bands is complete and I’m ready to see them on Friday. I’ve never heard New Years Day’s music before, so I hope they’re good!

If you’re wondering why I’m going to so many concerts lately, it’s because these shows are opportunities to get out of the house and engage the public. Even hardcore introverts need to socialize every now and then, though I don’t actively seek people in the audience to talk to. I don’t have a car of my own and the only places within walking distance worth going to are Fred Meyer, Quizno’s, Hi-Way Market, and Charlie’s Café. Not only are cars expensive to maintain and buy, but I don’t trust myself behind the wheel because I’m always thinking about having a schizophrenic attack in the middle of traffic. Schizophrenia thrives on stress and there’s nothing more stressful than being stuck in traffic. We don’t need a collision and we don’t need dead bodies. Other people in my family are more than happy to drive me to my respective venues, this Friday’s show being at the WaMu Theater near Century Link Field.

I’m Garrison Kelly and here’s hoping for a fun evening! Even when you feel like…no, wait, Three Days Grace isn’t going to be there. Oh well!

***SAVAGE BEATINGS***

Though I’m not technically allowed to publish Savage Beatings on my social media accounts, I will say that I’ve rewritten the first part out of five to accommodate for Marie Krepps’ suggested changes to Beautiful Monster. This time around, Windham’s emotions will be consistent, he won’t act like an emo teenager, and the world building in this fantasy setting will be as clear as day. I know Patrick in particular loved reading about psychotic Windham bloodying his foes, but in the interest of having a more realistic product, I can’t have Windham’s emotions bounce all over the place like a character from The Room. I also can’t have him eat psychedelic mushrooms and have him transform into Broken Matt Hardy meets Pink Floyd the Wall. My ears are open for the lovely Marie Krepps, because she knows best. Wish me luck!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“She’s only sixteen. She had the dreams of a girl. She thought she’d be in love. She’d thought she’d have the white picket fence. Now she stands on the corner. She sold herself to the streets. When the world gave up on her, she gave up on herself. She said, “Can anybody hear me?” She said, “Does anybody care?” The monster pulls up slowly. He asks her how much she is.”

-In This Moment singing “Out of Hell”-

Looney Tunes

***LOONEY TUNES***

Do you feel like the world’s getting you down? You hate your job? You hate school? You don’t have many friends? Tragedy strikes in the strangest places? If you ever want to be lifted up from your slump, all you have to remember is…the Looney Tunes can make anything funny. Anything. No matter how dark or depressing the subject matter, Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Elmer Fudd, and all of those wacky characters can make light of it with their over-the-top antics. George Carlin once told his audience to “picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd” and they laughed like hyenas. I know you did too, because George Carlin and Looney Tunes go together like cherry pie and whipped cream. Wait a minute, that sounded dirty!

The Looney Tunes are funny because no matter what happens to them, they’ll always be alive and well during the next cartoon. There was an entire cartoon dedicated to Elmer Fudd shooting Daffy Duck’s beak off multiple times. Low and behold, Daffy didn’t die; he just kept telling Bugs Bunny how despicable he was. So if Looney Tunes characters don’t die, that means the animators can subject them to any kind of inhumane torture they can think of and nothing will happen except for audience laughter. Suppose Elmer Fudd is strapped to a torture table with a ball gag in his mouth while a circular buzz saw is being lowered into his stomach. It’s horrifying as hell when it happens to Ryu in the Ninja Gaiden arcade game from the 80’s, but if it happened to Elmer Fudd…shit, I’m chuckling just thinking about it!

It’s safe to say that the Looney Tunes have been a major influence in some of my writing. It’s especially evident in my Poison Tongue Tales stories “Forever Autumn” and “Sitka the Nose Biter”. The main character in the former, an elf sorcerer named Mathias, gets a coconut dropped on his head and stars circle around him while a big fucking knot forms on his dome. In “Sitka the Nose Biter”, whenever the eponymous kitty Sitka would bite someone’s nose (surprise, surprise), instead of exploding like a blood bomb, their noses would make honking sounds, like a clown horn or a goose squawk.

The Looney Tunes influence is something that spans multiple generations, not just to small children looking for cheap laughs and pointless violence. My mom loves the Bugs Bunny cartoon where the baby buzzard searches the desert for Bugs in an attempt to bring home dinner for his demanding mother. Mom especially loves the way the baby buzzard says, “Oh, no, no, no, no, no!” in a deep and goofy voice. Another one of her favorites is when Bugs Bunny gives Gossamer a mouse trap manicure. “Monsters have the most INTERESTING fingernails!” The cartoons in general are cute and cuddly despite the fact that they feature anthropomorphic animals getting blown up or shot. I always make the joke to my mom that it’s cute whenever Elmer Fudd goes hunting, but it’s disgusting when Ted Nugent hunts. I’m not wrong.

I know it seems like I’m preaching to the choir when I’m singing the Looney Tunes’ praises. They’re universally loved and continue to be relevant in today’s world. Quite frankly, we could use a little more Looney Tunes influence in a world full of bad shit. When I posted the #MeToo blog entry a few weeks ago, it was one of my most sobering experiences. After reliving those horrible moments, I had to be reminded that the world is a funny place full of funny people. The Looney Tunes will never judge me. They’re too busy blowing each other up and being cute little cuddle muffins.

Maintaining a sense of humor throughout all of the world’s tragedies is paramount to happiness. If you don’t buy the Looney Tunes example, then buy the Trevor Noah example I’m about to present you with. I’m currently reading “Born a Crime”, a memoir by Mr. Noah detailing his childhood in Apartheid-ruled South Africa. As someone who’s biracial, he was loathed by pretty much every ethnic group in his home country. He could have sealed himself off in his room and brooded for the rest of his life, but he didn’t. He developed a sense of humor and won the hearts of so many people that he’s now the host of The Daily Show. Good things do happen when you want them to. Positive attitudes aren’t just new age mantras; they’re tools for survival. We’ve got ears, say cheers! Actually, since this blog is about the Looney Tunes, a-beep, a-beep, a-beep, that’s all, folks!

***POISON TONGUE TALES 2: THE RIGHT TO REMAIN PSYCHOTIC***

Would you believe it if I told you I only have six more stories to write for this series and then I’m done? Where did all the time go? Holy shit! For the sixth to last short story, I’ve got something called “Thor and Gore”. It goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

1. Thor, Cannibalistic Zombie
2. Kyle Houston, Lead Vocalist of Resistance
3. Resistance, Heavy Metal Band
4. Nameless Fans and Bouncers

PROMPT CONFORMITY: To be announced.

SYNOPSIS: Resistance is playing a show at the Tiger Dome and Thor is a member of their audience. Other concert attendees think it’s okay to piss him off by pouring beer on his head, throwing popcorn at him, and moshing roughly with him. Underneath his gargantuan frame lies a bloodthirsty monster who takes his aggression out on those who wrong him by biting and slashing them. The bouncers are powerless to stop Thor and it doesn’t help matters that the members of Resistance are encouraging his behavior by playing louder.

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Because Thor was drawn and uploaded earlier today, Kyle Houston is naturally the next in line for a drawing. Since he’s a heavy metal vocalist, I’m trying to figure out who I should use as my reference model. Ivan Moody? Phil Anselmo? Randy Blythe? Corey Taylor? So many options, so little time!

***FACE BOOK POST OF THE DAY***

When I was a teenager doing Mad Libs with my family, James would always want me to skip my turn whenever the narrator asked for an example of a liquid. I still to this day wonder what would make him do that. Hehe!

The Bathory Brothers (Markus and Karlos)

If it hadn’t been for Five Finger Death Punch, I would have never known that the last name Bathory existed. I didn’t study Hungarian history, so the closest thing I have is the band’s guitarist Zoltan. But what about other Bathory’s in my life? What about the two dark knight brothers Markus and Karlos Bathory? When last we heard of them, they made an appearance in my poetry anthology Confessions of a Schizophrenic Savage. I wrote heavy metal lyrics describing how they would stomp in the skulls of a hundred barbarians and peel the skins of a thousand dragons. You know, the stuff Beowulf could only dream of doing while jerking off in the “whale road“. Where did the Bathory brothers come from, anyways? Aside from the obvious answer of the bowels of hell, they actually do have a legitimate origin. They came to me in a dream I had one night about playing an alternative version of Super Mario World for the SNES. In addition to playing as Mario and Luigi, the obvious good guys, I also had the option of playing against the forces of good as the two evil sons of bitches known as Markus and Karlos Bathory, the black and red knight respectively. The dark knight brothers didn’t use pussy items like mushrooms, flowers, and feathers to bowl over their opponents. They had real weapons such as crossbows, magic wands, clubs, and war hammers. They also didn’t ride on a silly green dinosaur called Yoshi. They rode big ass armadillos, dragons, skeletal bulls, and anything else that could destroy their enemies just by walking over their tiny ass bodies. Now that you know both sides of the good and evil spectrums, which group of brothers do you think would win in a fight: a couple of fat-ass plumbers or a duo of brain-bashing, rib-cracking, flesh-ripping metal knights? All I can say to Mario and Luigi at this point is that they better have an unlimited supply of invincibility stars handy. The only way to defeat Markus and Karlos Bathory is by cheating. Even then, your chances are so slim it’s next to fucking impossible. So what shall I do with the two metal knights? Should they be part of a dark fantasy novel? Seems to be the most logical thing to do with them. They’re not getting enough attention in that poetry book, that’s for sure. Or maybe I could write a Mario Brothers fan fiction and somehow sneak the two knight siblings in the midst of the action. But once I figure out what to do with Markus and Karlos, then comes the question of whether they’re going to be antagonists or protagonists. We know they’re going to be villains, it’s just a matter of whether or not people choose to sympathize with them. If I can somehow make my audience sympathize with a couple of demonic warriors, I’ve got it made. I could retire early, you never know.

　

***CONCERT QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Are you guys fucking stupid or what?! You just kicked a chick in the face on purpose!”

-Ivan Moody, lead singer of Five Finger Death Punch-

Family Support

Not everyone can be born into a family that completely supports their creative endeavors. Ivan Moody from Five Finger Death Punch regularly expects that his mother will bury him when the topic of musical careers comes up. And yet, if it wasn’t for Ivan’s mom being an oppressive jerk, we wouldn’t have songs like “The Devil’s Own” and “Remember Everything”. Ivan Moody made a fortune off of his life experiences. Not everybody does that. In fact, the stresses of life often keep artists from achieving their full potential. If a teacher insults a child’s poetry, the child may never write creatively again for fear that the horrible memory will haunt him in the middle conceiving a poem. Emotional trauma is a powerful thing, especially to a small child who has a hard enough time determining which pieces of advice are useful and which ones are bullshit. I have a message for both adults and children of all ages. Adults, if you see a piece of art you don’t like, don’t tell the artist that he sucks and should never create again. There’s always somebody else out there who will enjoy the piece of art, so your opinion isn’t the only one that matters. Hard to believe, right? And kids, if somebody tells you that you’ll never make it in a creative field, don’t listen to them. Filtering out negative messages is hard, I agree. Sometimes that message will haunt your mind relentlessly until you finally do give in. The secret is to never give in. If you’re writing something and the negativity is turning your brain to primordial soup, keep writing until you’re finished with the poem or prose. Success is the best way to prove your critics wrong. But then comes the question of what defines success. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll make millions of dollars and have swarms of horny women gathering at your front door. It doesn’t always work like that. Sometimes all you need to be successful is a happy attitude. If you’re genuinely happy with your work, that should be the only thing that matters. If one other person is happy with your work, that matters too. That doesn’t mean you should avoid constructive critique, because that can actually be helpful. Keep the compliments, keep the critique, but filter out the negative vibes. The secret to success is finding the right support system. It’s out there if you look hard enough. Someone out there likes you, that much I promise. Ivan Moody’s mother didn’t support him, so he found band mates and audience members that did. There is hope out there somewhere and there is life after emotional trauma.

　

***PROVERB OF THE DAY***

“You don’t stop laughing because you get old, you get old because you stop laughing.”

-Unknown-

"Nowhere To Run" by CJ Box

After reading “Nowhere to Run”, you have to wonder to yourself which one is worse: hearing dueling banjos in the middle of the forest or hearing something played on a pink iPod that was stolen off of a random woman’s belongings? If you answered the latter, you were probably quivering in your snakeskin boots at the presence of Camish and Caleb Grim. And why wouldn’t you? They’ve been slashing tents, butchering elk, and vandalizing property all over the park that Joe Pickett has to investigate. Not only do the two brothers appear to be the ones who did it, but they’re not going down without a fight. And when they fight, they use the most vicious tactics a hunting bow and bone-crunching traps can provide. Good luck, Mr. Government Man, I mean, Mr. Pickett! As long as we’re wishing good luck to a guy that’s been referred to as a “government man” (much to his chagrin), I believe it’s time to fill you in on what CJ Box appears to be about. In terms of political acumen, it would seem that Mr. Box is a mirror image of Carl Hiaasen. And why wouldn’t the former be? He lives in Wyoming and walks around in a cowboy hat all day long. It’s not a huge secret that Wyoming is a hotbed for conservative politics. A lot of those politics show through in CJ Box’s writing, particularly as it relates to much later in the book where government corruption runs rampant. The woman that Joe Pickett is looking for up in these mountains was said to have been a diehard Ayn Rand fan. The Grim brothers weren’t much different when asked about their political stances. As a hardcore liberal and even more hardcore socialist, I should be upset that one of my favorite books has this kind of agenda attached to it. The truth is, I’m not. I’m not shocked that a cowboy from Wyoming thinks differently from me. My only advice to readers of his books is to enjoy them for their quick pace, intelligent writing style, and three-dimensional characters all across the board. I even dare say that I could learn something from Mr. Box as it relates to my own writing. Then again, whenever I compare myself to someone else, I usually end up hating what I’ve written down. Short moments of low self-esteem are a small price to pay for learning how to write from one of the best in the business: CJ Box.

　

***CONCERT QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“So as everyone here knows, Mr. Randy Blythe is free and well. We’re going to do this next song for him. Because no one gets left behind!”

-Ivan Moody from Five Finger Death Punch-

Nasal Science

Despite the title of this blog entry, it’s not about boogers and snot, so you can put the Kleenex away. It’s also not about masturbation, so that’s even more reason for you to stow away the tissues. It’s about people who have become so nosy toward authors and other celebrities that they’ve got it down to a science, hence the title Nasal Science. They ask the most ridiculous questions and put the “valuable information” on Wikipedia pages. For instance, someone actually got MMA champion Ronda Rousey to say that having sex before a fight is good for a female competitor since it increases their testosterone levels. I swear to god, that’s what’s on her Wikipedia biography right now. You know who else has a ridiculous Wikipedia entry? Former WWE diva Eve Torres. Somewhere in the personal information, it says that she’s afraid of clowns. Who gives a flying fuck?! And WWE superstar Daniel Bryan? Somewhere in his personal life section it says that he’s no longer a vegan because he developed an allergy to soy products. Oh, that’s so fascinating! I really needed to know about his allergies! That’s so fun! Look, I’m not saying that asking questions of celebrities is a bad thing. I’m just saying there’s such a thing as taking it to the extreme. Brock Lesnar and Jack White both have the right idea: if it’s not important, you don’t need to know about it. You don’t need to know The Great Khali’s penis size, you don’t need to know that Jacob Volkmann is a part-time back-snapper, and you REALLY don’t need to know how bad of a childhood Ivan Moody had. The latter of the three is what really disturbs me. People hear the songs “Remember Everything” and “The Devil’s Own” by Five Finger Death Punch, the band that Mr. Moody comes from, and they all of the sudden want to know all about his childhood. Are the lyrics not enough of an indication? “Slap on the wrist, smack in the face, the family tree gave me a name and nothing more!” What else do you want? Triggering a celebrity’s trauma is not fan service. Going back to Ronda Rousey for a moment, if you really want to know about her dead father, Google it. Don’t try to get her to open up to you. The last time that happened, she was in tears. We don’t like it when Ronda Rousey is in tears, except for when she just won a match. If you want to satisfy a minor curiosity, do it without making a science out of it. You don’t need a lab coat and scrubs. You’re just a geeky kid sitting in a computer chair. You want to know how you can pay fan service? Leave them the fuck alone!

　

***TELEVISION QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“If there is a God, he’s got a shit-load of explaining to do.”

-Tommy Gavin from “Rescue Me”-