My Dinosaur

SOBBING DIALOGUE

My dinosaur! X4

VERSE 1

You took away all my toys

The only things to fill the void

The only things to cure boredom

Anything to restore your order

You smashed my Legos to bits

Stomped my videogames to shit

Popped the heads off my dolls

Do you have a heart at all?

CHORUS

Give me back what’s mine!

I’ll be a good boy this time!

I’ll get the very best grades!

I know how to fucking behave!

Don’t tell me to act my age!

Or I’ll unleash my inner rage!

They’ll have to lock me in a cage!

All I wanted to do was play!

SOBBING DIALOGUE

My dinosaur! X2

VERSE 2

What does this punishment prove?

That your authority is always true?

That the skies aren’t always blue?

Creativity wasn’t meant to bloom?

I don’t need the fucking rubber room

You need your own fucking tomb

You burned my whole toy collection

I’ll cut your giant ass into sections

CHORUS

Give me back what’s mine!

I’ll be a good boy this time!

I’ll get the very best grades!

I know how to fucking behave!

Don’t tell me to act my age!

Or I’ll unleash my inner rage!

They’ll have to lock me in a cage!

All I wanted to do was play!

SOBBING DIALOGUE

My dinosaur! X2

VERSE 3

I don’t owe society shit

It isn’t me throwing a fit

Playtime will forever be mine

Don’t care about falling in line

Don’t care about responsibilities

Or even employable abilities

Starting over with my own toys

Won’t wait for Christmas joys

FINAL BRIDGE

Give me my dinosaur!

I won’t wait anymore!

Life doesn’t have to bore!

Give me my dinosaur before I beat it out of you!

The Broken Skull Mercenaries

TEAM NAME: The Broken Skull Mercenaries
TEAM MEMBERS: Andrew Bradley, Mitch O’Connor, Jill Henderson, and Mattie Dent
OCCUPATION: Mercenaries
CANON: Garden of Evil


For those of you who actually read Garden of Evil back in 2012/2013, to clear up any confusion, Andrew Bradley, the unofficial leader of this team, used to be named Andy Bryan. His name was tweaked because I already have enough characters in my archives with the last name Bryan (Mario, Wade, Tina, Chris, etc.). I just thought I’d throw that disclaimer out there for those who really are concerned, which might be a small number of people, but they’re people nonetheless. Anyways, on with the show!

Garden of Evil started out with two scientists combing through the mercenaries’ permanent records and being scared out of their mind by what they say. Aside from the fact that these mercenaries had scars all over their faces along with bad haircuts and bad dental hygiene, they’ve also been involved in a number of mass murders (long before they met and became mercenaries). Other charges included rape, torture, kidnapping, human trafficking, and drug distribution. All of these charges rolled up into one would send a normal human being to prison for a sentence that lasted a millennium.

But instead, being stranded on Mars with a bunch of bloodthirsty dinosaurs would be a better answer for these psychotic pariahs. They thought they were going there for a fruit plucking mission to sustain earth’s food supply. Hell, they even laughed about it because the mission assignment had the word “fruit” in it, which is also a homophobic slur. But once their ship touched down on Mars’ surface and the mercenaries got out, their ship flew away on its own and pretty much left the four criminals to their own devices.

If there was ever a time for good teamwork and unconditional cooperation, this would be it. The dinosaurs are fucking huge and fucking nasty. They consider tiny humans like The Broken Skull Mercenaries to be breath mints. While Mitch O’Connor is down with the idea of watching each other’s backs, Andrew Bradley becomes a selfish leader and is willing to sacrifice his own teammates to ensure his safety. Apparently, Mr. Bradley isn’t quite used to the fact that he’s stranded on Mars forever and isn’t going back to earth anytime soon.

Because of Andrew’s arrogance, Mattie Dent and Jill Henderson become his sacrificial pawns and die saving his life. Jill and Mattie are no angels, but they clearly deserved better treatment from someone they’ve worked with for many years now. Mitch O’Connor wasn’t going to have any of it, though. As soon as Mitch discovered that the “fruits” were actually quick-acting steroids that gave humans a fighting chance against dinosaurs, he took them all for himself while Andrew was left to die on the ground with a fractured spine. Jill and Mattie had already been killed, so it was too late for Mitch to save them. But in his mind, living on Mars and psychotically slaughtering a bunch of dinosaurs was his idea of paradise. Turns out dinosaur meat tastes like chicken.

Garden of Evil made for some badass science fiction. There was lots of bloodshed and lots of high-octane action. But unfortunately, gratuitous violence is not an automatic recipe for success unless you’re watching WWE or UFC. In the world of literature, Garden of Evil would have been laughed at by snot-nosed editors around the world. Not only are The Broken Skull Mercenaries far from sympathetic in their villainy, but the pace of the writing doesn’t keep up with all of the hardcore violence.

I’ve gotten better at writing faster-paced stories, but I’d still like to have something to do with these four insane criminals. That’s why if they get used again, they won’t be the protagonists since there’s absolutely nothing the readers can relate to. After all, my target audience for these four isn’t the entire roster of a super max prison. If they’re going to be characters in my stories, they have to absolutely be antagonists. They’re Complete Monsters whom I’m pretty sure everybody wants to see die brutal deaths. Well, I’m all about customer service, so if they’re going to die, they’re going to die…but not without a blood-soaked battle! Dun-dun-dun!

　

***POLITICAL QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“The FCC (Federal Communications Commission) decided all by themselves that radio and television were the only two parts of American life not protected by the free speech provisions of the first amendment of the constitution. Why did they decide that? Because they got a letter from a minister in Mississippi. Reverend Donald Wildmon heard something on the radio he didn’t like. Hey, Reverend! Did you know that there are two knobs on the radio? One of them turns the radio on and off and the other changes the station. Imagine that, Reverend, you can actually change the station. It’s called Freedom of Choice and it’s one of the principles this country was founded upon. Look it up in your local library, Reverend, if you have any left after you’ve finished burning all the books!”

-George Carlin-

The Bathory Brothers (Markus and Karlos)

If it hadn’t been for Five Finger Death Punch, I would have never known that the last name Bathory existed. I didn’t study Hungarian history, so the closest thing I have is the band’s guitarist Zoltan. But what about other Bathory’s in my life? What about the two dark knight brothers Markus and Karlos Bathory? When last we heard of them, they made an appearance in my poetry anthology Confessions of a Schizophrenic Savage. I wrote heavy metal lyrics describing how they would stomp in the skulls of a hundred barbarians and peel the skins of a thousand dragons. You know, the stuff Beowulf could only dream of doing while jerking off in the “whale road“. Where did the Bathory brothers come from, anyways? Aside from the obvious answer of the bowels of hell, they actually do have a legitimate origin. They came to me in a dream I had one night about playing an alternative version of Super Mario World for the SNES. In addition to playing as Mario and Luigi, the obvious good guys, I also had the option of playing against the forces of good as the two evil sons of bitches known as Markus and Karlos Bathory, the black and red knight respectively. The dark knight brothers didn’t use pussy items like mushrooms, flowers, and feathers to bowl over their opponents. They had real weapons such as crossbows, magic wands, clubs, and war hammers. They also didn’t ride on a silly green dinosaur called Yoshi. They rode big ass armadillos, dragons, skeletal bulls, and anything else that could destroy their enemies just by walking over their tiny ass bodies. Now that you know both sides of the good and evil spectrums, which group of brothers do you think would win in a fight: a couple of fat-ass plumbers or a duo of brain-bashing, rib-cracking, flesh-ripping metal knights? All I can say to Mario and Luigi at this point is that they better have an unlimited supply of invincibility stars handy. The only way to defeat Markus and Karlos Bathory is by cheating. Even then, your chances are so slim it’s next to fucking impossible. So what shall I do with the two metal knights? Should they be part of a dark fantasy novel? Seems to be the most logical thing to do with them. They’re not getting enough attention in that poetry book, that’s for sure. Or maybe I could write a Mario Brothers fan fiction and somehow sneak the two knight siblings in the midst of the action. But once I figure out what to do with Markus and Karlos, then comes the question of whether they’re going to be antagonists or protagonists. We know they’re going to be villains, it’s just a matter of whether or not people choose to sympathize with them. If I can somehow make my audience sympathize with a couple of demonic warriors, I’ve got it made. I could retire early, you never know.

　

***CONCERT QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Are you guys fucking stupid or what?! You just kicked a chick in the face on purpose!”

-Ivan Moody, lead singer of Five Finger Death Punch-