Lap Pillow: A Fantasy Story

My head cradled on her velveteen lap
Her fingers in my hair, heavenly nap
Stuck in zombie mode forever and a day
I lay in silence, but to this goddess I pray

Vampire fangs and gentle fingernails
Elven hair and flesh so milky pale
Faerie figure and the wings of an angel
Eye-to-eye contact for this fair female

She tells me everything I need to know
That it’s okay if I want to take things slow
It’s okay if I’m sad every once and a while
There will be other days for my artistic style

I believe everything she tells me and more
I believe in her kisses and what they stand for
Imagination is a powerful thing, after all
When you’re stuck behind plain white walls

I know she’s not real when I’m wide awake
I know there’s poison running through the lake
I know the sunshine is covered in smoke
I know my feelings were all just a joke

I know it’s my duty to keep her alive
Pages to preserve an imaginary wife
What good are the pages if nobody reads?
What good are the images if nobody sees?

I’m invisible in the eyes of everyone else
I could never grace their vast bookshelves
I don’t have the ability to save myself
Loneliness is mine and I wear it well

"Happy!" by Grant Morrison

BOOK TITLE: Happy!

AUTHOR: Grant Morrison

YEAR: 2017

GENRE: Graphic Novel

SUBGENRE: Crime Fiction

GRADE: Pass

Disgraced detective turned contract killer Nick Sax completes an assassination of mob boss Mr. Blue’s sons. During the final moments of the confrontation, one of the sons tells Nick the password to a bank account full of laundered mafia money. Just as Mr. Blue’s henchmen are about to extract the password from him via torture, an imaginary blue unicorn haunts Nick’s psyche and agrees to help him out dangerous situations on the condition that he rescues small children from a porn studio. Will Nick Sax become the hero he was meant to be or will he selfishly reject Happy the horse every step of the way?

This graphic novel is incontrovertible proof that not all protagonists have to be saints in order for the audience to cheer for them. Nick Sax is a vulgar, selfish, negative alcoholic who would rather waste his life away than use it for good causes. Seeing as how this is a redemption story, Happy the Horse has a long way to go in order to convince Nick to see the light. The two of them get into schizophrenic arguments that make outsiders feel uncomfortable and downright frightened to death. When the big payoff finally happens, it feels right. Some would criticize Nick’s newfound reasons as being selfish yet again, but that just goes to show how stonehearted a broken man like him can be. To me, that’s gritty and realistic, which is what all detective novels should be like, imaginary horse aside.

Speaking of Happy, I enjoyed his characterization as well. He’s a goofy, lovable, lighthearted ray of sunshine in a world covered in darkness and beer. Sometimes the reader needs a break from all of the R-rated horror and Happy will provide that relief through his personality alone. In truth, Happy is the last line of defense for childhood innocence since he was one of the kidnapped children’s imaginary friend at one point. Once he’s gone, the whole world turns to poison. Imagination is the most powerful tool we have and it took a lot of it to incorporate Happy’s character in a believable way. Good job in that department, Mr. Morrison!

I don’t have many complaints, but I do have one about Nick Sax’s back story as to why he acts as coldly as he does. While it is a tragic story about his family that would make any reader tear up, it seems forced and cliché, like it somehow excuses Nick’s behavior by virtue of its mere existence in the storyline. I’ve seen this trope used many times before and it only numbs me to the real tragedy of the much larger story. But as I said, this is a minor complaint since it didn’t actually derail the story in any way. It’s just a flaw that needed to be pointed out, that’s all.

All in all, this was a fun little graphic novel and I can easily see why Syfy would want to make a TV show out of it. Sometimes it’s fun to root for the antihero, especially when a magical flying horse evens him out. That’s the trick with the antihero: he can’t be worse than the villains he’s fighting. Otherwise, there’s nothing to believe in. Nick Sax’s redemption story is believable to me and that’s why I’m giving this graphic novel a passing grade despite his clichéd character history.

Pool

Floating on my back, an out of body experience

The water’s nice and warm, nothing too serious

Just me, the sunset, and my vast imagination

A perfect way to continue my mental vacation

I could travel through the ocean of twinkling stars

Forget the noisy highway and its polluting cars

I could pretend there are hands on my shoulders

Cupping, squeezing to keep me from getting colder

A sensual soundtrack to trigger my young thoughts

The smell of herbal tea boiling on the stovetop

For one night only, I have nothing to worry about

I could stay here forever, never once getting out

The water feels good against my aching muscles

Relaxation feels good after a day’s worth of hustle

I’ll swim a few laps in my own personal ocean

Marine life and crystals recharging my emotions

Baptism in sweetness, cure all of my diseases

Walk on the surface like a modern day Jesus

Part the seas with my hydromantic powers

Give watery life to the springtime flowers

If the phone rings, then I’ll refuse to answer

I wouldn’t even rise for the necromancer

Nothing can remove me from my sparkling sea

Nothing will qualify as a true emergency

The world can wait until my stress melts away

It’s not as though I won’t wake up the next day

Forget the afterlife, because this pool is heaven

It’s been that way for all of twenty-four-seven

When I rise in the sunlit dawn of morning

I shall return despite your deaf-ears warnings

You can call it hedonism until your throat is raw

But I give zero cares about your biblical laws

Being a grown man is intolerably overrated

It’s better to live life painless and sedated

The Land of Milk and Medication

VERSE 1

Take me by the hand to dreamland

Tell me a story of fantastic glory

Everything is ours for twelve hours

The recesses of my mind are all mine

Give me a reason to greet the season

Give me a tale I can write without fail

I do it for a living, it’s all I am giving

Buy from the hovel of paperback novels

CHORUS

The land of milk and medication

Is where I do my best meditation

From reality I take a vacation

To a brand new mystical destination

VERSE 2

Milk and honey for my cinnamon bunny

Milk and Xanax for my creative annex

Milk and cereal for the morning ethereal

Milk and fudge to give my face a smudge

Every day is Christmas, night is Halloween

Thanksgiving is somewhere in between

No Valentines for the girl I shall pine

No firecrackers from patriotic attackers

CHORUS

The land of milk and medication

Is where I do my best meditation

From reality I take a vacation

To a brand new mystical destination

BRIDGE

When the sun is kissing, something is missing

Is anybody watching? Is anybody listening?

Where will I get today’s creative fuel?

Must keep the mind sharp, it’s my only tool

EXTENDED CHORUS

The land of milk and medication

Is where I do my best meditation

From reality I take a vacation

To a brand new mystical destination

A world of wonder and musical thunder

Realm of magic born from something tragic

Imagination is my favorite medication

Milk and pills still give me the chills

The Real Game Excuse

***THE REAL GAME EXCUSE***

When I was still a member of Play By Web from 2001-2005, I would oftentimes create text-based RPG’s based on preexisting videogames such as Starcraft, Dead or Alive 3, and Final Fight just to name a few. The most frequent excuse someone would use not to join these games was…”Why don’t you just play the real game?” That irked me every time because I could never find a counterpoint for it. They were right to some degree. The videogames were right there ready to play and here I was attempting to capitalize off of them with text-based games. But I wanted so badly for people to join my games. Debating wasn’t and still isn’t my strong suit, because my opponents would come up with infinite talking points that I’d have no answer for.

Well, today in the year 2017, I have an answer for what I like to call “The Real Game Excuse”. It took me fifteen years to come up with a legitimate argument, but better late than never. While videogames have all of the graphics and gadgets to give their players a true vicarious experience, they’re limited in what you can actually do with them. Sure, you can hack the games and create your own levels and characters, but even that has its limits, especially for people who suck with computers. Text-based versions of these videogames offer endless possibilities with regards to character creation, storylines, writing expertise, and imagination development. Have you ever tried to create Megatron in a game of Diablo II: Lord of Destruction? No, and you never will. But in a text-based version of that game, you most certainly could if the referee allowed it.

But what if you don’t want to stick with just one game? What if you want to do a crossover series? Now the possibilities are REALLY endless! Take any two videogame titles, put an X between them, and you’re in business, buddy! Super Mario Brothers 2 X Diablo II: Lord of Destruction: holy shit! You’d have barbarians swinging battleaxes at Phantos, Lister the Tormentor blowing bubbles and getting killed with vegetables, sorceresses throwing lightning bolts at Clawgrip, Jesus Christ, look at all that! Try doing that with just a copy of a videogame.

Want another example? Sure, why not? How about Super Street Fighter II X Final Fantasy IV? Now you’ve got M. Bison psycho-crushing his way through an army of Calcobrena Puppets. You’ve got Chun Li doing a spinning bird kick while waiting for Kain Highwind to land from his jump attack. Hell, if Kain wanted to jump that fucking high, he can count on Zangief to help him out with a spinning pile-driver! What about the ultimate dream match between Ryu and Yang? The possibilities are…well, you get the drill by now. No need to overdo the talking point.

One last argument and then I’ll update you all on my creative projects. Making a decision between a videogame and an RPG is like making one between a movie and a book. With a videogame, you can see everything on the screen and you don’t need to engage your imagination. Movies are like that too. But with books and RPG’s, you have to create everything from scratch and actually put some work into your craft. Why do you think people brag about reading books more often than they do about watching movies? Granted, it takes a lot of work to finish a videogame, but once you’re finished with it, it’s over forever. If you were playing a pencil-and-paper RPG, you could go on for as long as you so desired and create new adventures.

I hope you guys aren’t getting the impression that I’m completely shitting on the videogame industry. I’ve played videogames since I was a little kid and even though I gave up on them in 2010, I still use them as a major source of creative fuel. They have their place society for sure, but they’re not an excuse to shit all over text-based RPG’s. Both mediums have their advantages and disadvantages, whether it’s cost analysis, creativity, simplicity of rules, or overall fun. I encourage everyone to enjoy both sides of this fence and live together in harmony. If someone has a pencil-and-paper version of Double Dragon handy, don’t mock them for it. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

***BORN A CRIME***

The next time I delve into Trevor Noah’s memoir, I’m going to finish it off and review it. I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to give it an extra credit grade or a passing one. It seems as though I’ve been handing out extra credit grades like it’s Halloween candy. Maybe there really are that many books out there that can change my life. Born a Crime could very easily be one of them.

***POISON TONGUE TALES 2: THE RIGHT TO REMAIN PSYCHOTIC***

The fourth to last story in this series will be called “Gorgon Death Bitch”. Since the prompt in this week’s WSS contest is Radio, here’s how it’ll go:

CHARACTERS:

1.      Steve Jones, Frightened Boyfriend

2.      Kathryn Marsh, Angry Girlfriend

PROMPT CONFORMITY: The radio is blasting when Steve comes home.

SYNOPSIS: Steve and Kathryn had been dating for several months and are already living together. They’ve also been fighting a lot recently, giving Steve ideas of breaking up with his girlfriend. When he comes home late from work one night, Kathryn tears into him verbally, prompting Steve to give into his designs of ending the relationship. Kathryn bursts into tears on the couch and then transforms into a gorgon to terrorize her lover some more. Steve tries to talk some sense into her, but he’s too terrified to put words together. He’s also trying not to look Kathryn in the eyes lest he be turned to stone.

FUN FACT: Kathryn Marsh is going to be the next character to be drawn in the Dark Fantasy Warriors series.

***FACE BOOK POST OF THE DAY***

If Poison Tongue Tales ever has its own page on TVtropes.org, these are the tropes you should probably be aware of. All of my dogs have saggy jowls, all of my male villains are fat and ugly, all of my muscle-bound heroes giggle like children, and all of my characters in general have hot tempers. Okay, so maybe not ALL of these tropes are 100% true…but enough of them are. Hehe!

My Dinosaur

SOBBING DIALOGUE

My dinosaur! X4

VERSE 1

You took away all my toys

The only things to fill the void

The only things to cure boredom

Anything to restore your order

You smashed my Legos to bits

Stomped my videogames to shit

Popped the heads off my dolls

Do you have a heart at all?

CHORUS

Give me back what’s mine!

I’ll be a good boy this time!

I’ll get the very best grades!

I know how to fucking behave!

Don’t tell me to act my age!

Or I’ll unleash my inner rage!

They’ll have to lock me in a cage!

All I wanted to do was play!

SOBBING DIALOGUE

My dinosaur! X2

VERSE 2

What does this punishment prove?

That your authority is always true?

That the skies aren’t always blue?

Creativity wasn’t meant to bloom?

I don’t need the fucking rubber room

You need your own fucking tomb

You burned my whole toy collection

I’ll cut your giant ass into sections

CHORUS

Give me back what’s mine!

I’ll be a good boy this time!

I’ll get the very best grades!

I know how to fucking behave!

Don’t tell me to act my age!

Or I’ll unleash my inner rage!

They’ll have to lock me in a cage!

All I wanted to do was play!

SOBBING DIALOGUE

My dinosaur! X2

VERSE 3

I don’t owe society shit

It isn’t me throwing a fit

Playtime will forever be mine

Don’t care about falling in line

Don’t care about responsibilities

Or even employable abilities

Starting over with my own toys

Won’t wait for Christmas joys

FINAL BRIDGE

Give me my dinosaur!

I won’t wait anymore!

Life doesn’t have to bore!

Give me my dinosaur before I beat it out of you!

Lysergic Bugs Bunny Cartoon

VERSE 1

What’s up, doc, besides your cock?

Enough with the talk, it’s time to rock

Purple elephants and yellow zebras

Acid rainfall for continuous seasons

Epic battles with bloody violence

Crushing kick from a kung fu tigress

Your imagination is running wild

Like it used to when you were a child

CHORUS

Lysergic Bugs Bunny cartoon!

VERSE 2

With all the colors painted on your brain

Pour your heart out all over the page

Paint a picture with your rainbow blood

Make some music with your stoner bud

Unicorns with those devilish horns

Dark elf sex too X-rated for porn

This is your art; it comes from your heart

Nobody will tell you it’s just a brain fart

CHORUS

Lysergic Bugs Bunny cartoon!

VERSE 3

Is it genius or insanity? Who gives a shit?

Just have lots of fun while you’re doing it

Just one star? Give me a fucking break

You’ve seen many stars reflecting off the lake

A golden raspberry is a delicious fruit

A clown’s costume is a business suit

Gobbledygook is the perfect hook

Certain to sell a shit load of books

EXTENDED CHORUS

Lysergic Bugs Bunny cartoon!

Let’s all trip out like buffoons!

Necromancy written out in runes!

Pyromancy will be the law soon!

Theomancy is for the looniest loons!

Electromancy is for the metal tunes!

Let’s go crazy! Let’s get naughty!

Drop your drawers! Shake your body!

FINAL LINE

Lysergic Bugs Bunny cartoon!

Dark Thoughts

VERSE 1
Murder, rape, fire, blood
Dragging your soul through the motherfucking mud
Dragging your ass to the gates of hell
Fighting the last round until the final bell
Dark thoughts invade my mind and I love it
When the battle calls, I’ll rise above it
Sadistic values for sadistic motherfuckers
Dark thoughts for crooks and tail tuckers


CHORUS
Laughing at my own twisted jokes
Purring while your bloody body stains and soaks
Sleeping well as you burn in hell
My darkest thoughts for the ones who fell


VERSE 2
Genocide, homicide, fucking deicide
There’s nowhere left to run or hide
The corners of my mind are dark places
You all look alike, you have no faces
Zombies marching, waiting to be shot
Hunger for brains, is that all you’ve got?
My dark imagination has no goddamn limits
Think about that as you live your final minutes


CHORUS
Laughing at my own twisted jokes
Purring while your bloody body stains and soaks
Sleeping well as you burn in hell
My darkest thoughts for the ones who fell


HOOK
This is my world, this is my life
This is my gun, this is my knife
This is my smile, this is my laugh
This is my boot in your motherfucking ass!


VERSE 3
Autograph, necrograph, don’t make me laugh
All you’ll hope for is a quick coming to pass
I take my time, I commit the crime
And grin knowing that your ass is mine


EXTENDED CHORUS
Laughing at my own twisted jokes
Purring while your bloody body stains and soaks
Sleeping well as you burn in hell
My darkest thoughts for the ones who fell
Sympathy has never been my greatest strength
Especially for those who tortured me at length
Armageddon is where your ass is headin’
How does it feel to be so far from heaven?

Home Alone

MOVIE TITLE: Home Alone
DIRECTOR: John Hughes
YEAR: 1990
GENRE: Christmas Comedy
RATING: PG for slapstick violence and mild language
GRADE: Pass


After being humiliated during a big family pizza dinner, all eight-year-old Kevin McAllister wants is to live by himself with nobody to take orders from. He’s scheduled to go on a trip to Paris with said family, but in the scuffle of trying not to miss their flight, they left little Kevin behind. He’s living large with his huge bowls of ice cream and R-rated movies, but when two burglars named Harry and Marv begin casing his neighborhood for houses to target, the McAllister house is on that list. While Kevin’s family is trying to book a flight back home, he sets up booby traps for the invading burglars.

Anybody who remembers watching this movie as a kid like I did knows the best part about it isn’t the love between family members or the magic of Christmas. It’s the creative traps Kevin sets for his burglar buddies. The screams of agony by both Marv and Harry are hilarious to listen to despite the horrific pain they go through. The traps include a blowtorch to Harry’s head, a nail through Marv’s bare foot, paint cans to both of their heads, and swinging on a zip line into the side of Kevin’s house. Oh yeah, and don’t forget the pet tarantula being placed on Marv’s face; that’ll give you non-PG nightmares.

The ingenuity of the individual traps is enough to satisfy the imagination and tickle the funny bone of any child watching this family classic. But what if you’re watching this movie as an adult? Does family love become that much more important to you? Do you cheer for Kevin’s family to come home on time to take care of their little guy? Do you have a special place in your heart for the bonding between Kevin and old man Marley?

Marley was rumored to have murdered his family and packed their bodies in the snow to create mummies. In reality, he was the sweetest guy anybody could ever know. He’s legitimately afraid of trying to get back together with his estranged son and granddaughter after a bad falling out. It’s Kevin who coaxes Marley into reconciling with the ones he loves and misses. Remember that episode of Seinfeld when George cries after watching Home Alone? “The old man got to me!” That will be any adult watching this movie if they have a sensitive heart.

And of course, whether you’re a kid or an adult, the one piece of stealth Kevin uses on intruders of all sorts is one you’ll definitely appreciate. He watches an R-rated movie and leaves it playing in the background so that the intruders will think there’s an adult home supervising Kevin. The Little Nero’s (which is an obvious parody of Little Caesar’s) pizza guy gets a surprise when he leaves the pizza at the doorstep and thinks he’s being shot at with a machinegun. Marv also gets surprised when he thinks two burglars are in the house ahead of him and Harry arguing over who gets the final score. In today’s world, we have technology where we can edit clips together to have those effects. But this was 1990, where technology wasn’t even close to where it is today. Kevin had to rely on his creativity and his brains to get the job done.

When Christmastime finally rolls around and you want some comedic nostalgia, look no further than the first Home Alone. You can laugh, love, and have your creativity ignited at the same time. Maybe if you’re a DM for Dungeons & Dragons, you can treat your fellow players to these kinds of traps. Although to be fair to reality, if anybody got their head burned with a blowtorch, they’d need immediate medical attention and to be locked in a burn ward. Kids, don’t try any of those traps at home; you will die!

Baby Looney Tunes

TV SHOW TITLE: Baby Looney Tunes
CREATOR: Warner Brothers Staff
YEARS ACTIVE: 2001-2002
GENRE: Children’s Cartoon
RATING: TV-Y
GRADE: Pass


Before they became cartoon icons, the Looney Tunes were just little babies in diapers trying to figure out the world with the help of Granny. They played together, they learned together, they even have little adventures together. The usual antics of the Looney Tunes such as dynamite, shotguns, and other slapstick moments have been replaced with bouncy and playful comedy as well as the development of these little kids’ imaginations.

I realize that the show is rated TV-Y and that it’s intended for children with single digit ages, not Generation Y members like me. I have nothing to gain from the lessons taught in these episodes because I’ve seen it all. But darn it, those little Looney Tune babies are so cute! Teeny tiny little animal children bouncing around and playing in little cloth diapers! I usually get this giddy when I visit the Humane Society and check out all of their kitties and puppies.

I wish there was a Humane Society for the Looney Tunes, because I’d scoop up Baby Bugs Bunny and rock him back and forth until he fell asleep and drooled on my arms! Aww!! I’d give Tazz a belly rub, I’d give Sylvester an ear scratch, and I’d even play with Daffy Duck’s bill! This show gets a passing grade just for the cuteness overload. Death by cuteness: what a way to go. Hehe!

From an educational perspective, the lessons learned by the little Looney Tunies at the end of every episode are actually useful to human children. Share your toys, exercise your imagination, be nice to each other, try new things, these are all ideals that parents try hard enough to pass onto their children. And now you have a cute and cuddly show like Baby Looney Tunes passing on these important values that permeate all belief systems.

The one lesson out of the items I’ve listed that I believe is most important is to exercise your creativity when you’re young. It all begins when you’re a little guy and you see something in a book or TV show that excites you and inspires your imagination.

There’s another lesson I’d like to add to that: don’t let anybody ridicule you for having a vivid imagination in the first place. Growing up to be a dull and boring person stems from such negativity. Look at the Looney Tunes all grown up now: do they look boring and dull to you? No, and it’s because Granny nurtured their little minds every step of the way and never told them they couldn’t do something (unless it was dangerous to themselves or other people).

I’ve earned the reputation of being a giant man baby around the house. I watch TV-Y and TV-Y7 rated shows and I find cuteness in everything those shows provide me. If you gain the same reputation for watching Baby Looney Tunes, embrace it. Embrace your inner child and never grow up. The real world is a cold and lonely place. But inside your overactive imagination, there’s a spiritual force that will never let you down.

"Of Dice and Men" by David M. Ewalt

BOOK TITLE: Of Dice and Men: The Story of Dungeons & Dragons and the People Who Play It
AUTHOR: David M. Ewalt
YEAR: 2013
GENRE: Nonfiction
SUBGENRE: Biography and Memoir
GRADE: Extra Credit


In this tribute to Dungeons & Dragons, David M. Ewalt combines nonfiction genres when he gives a detailed history of the franchise and shares some of his own experiences and in-game stories with the RPG. There are many ways to describe playing this game: a creative outlet, a social experience, a storytelling class, a geek’s heaven, but more importantly, a way for people to have fun. It’s not just for “geeks and freaks” anymore. It’s also not for “satanic devil worshipers”. Playing D&D is an enriching experience everybody can get in on regardless of age and interests.

The biography portion of this book is so accurate and well-researched that you won’t find a better timeline of D&D’s birth anywhere else. Games have been around since the early BC days, even among cavemen dancing around and telling stories. Playing was free and spontaneous. And then there were rules to keep things fair, which ultimately led to the centuries old board game chess. And then the chess board was modified to depict reenactments of famous wars in what would ultimately be called Kriegsspiel, or War Games. And Gary Gygax and David Arneson started replacing human soldier miniature tokens with dragons, goblins, and wizards. Instead of historic battlefields, they were replaced with castles and labyrinths. Making all of those modifications over time took a lot creativity and individuality to do. When the imagination gets flowing, anything is possible and the results are beautiful to watch.

The memoir portion is just as much fun to read as the historical side of things. David M. Ewalt describes playing Dungeons & Dragons with his friends as an experience that not only stimulates creativity, but also bonds the friendships between the players. He is a lifelong D&D fan and has traveled all over the world just to have his imagination tickled by these colorful scenarios. He even went to Geneva Lake, Wisconsin to pay tribute to Gary Gygax and compared it to a religious pilgrimage to Mecca. Being passionate about a role-playing game doesn’t make anybody an outcast or a dork. Passion is something we all must have in the things we do. It’s what drives us to do our best and ultimately reach our goals. David’s passion led him to a sharper mind, multiple nerd-gasms, and an awesome nonfiction book deal about his favorite pastime, Dungeons & Dragons.

And now here’s the reason this book is getting an extra credit grade, or for you Good Reads members, five out of five stars. I used to give five star ratings to pretty much anything that was enjoyable. Over the years, things have become more complicated than that. To earn a five star review from me these days, you as an author have to blow me away and leave me a changed man. Of Dice and Men did just that. It made me want to play Dungeons & Dragons once again. It fed my creativity with awesome storyline possibilities and tactical game play.

If only I could find some players to join me in this mind-bending experience, then my energy and passion for this game will leave me whole again. Dungeons & Dragons isn’t just a game; it’s a religious experience. Just for being the biggest piece in the puzzle when creating the game, Gary Gygax will always be one of my personal heroes. He’s probably smiling down upon Mr. Ewalt for invoking his venerable spirit, which is something that can be done by a level 15 cleric. I want to play again and my inner geek won’t be satisfied until I do. I’m like the lonely single guy who doesn’t have a girlfriend and only has internet porn to rely on. It’s a bit of a stretch, but it’s accurate for how this book made me feel about getting back in the game. Someday, my friends. Someday. Thank you, Mr. Ewalt, for bringing out my nerdy aura once again.

And by the way, if Clue was played with Dungeons & Dragons rules, you could beat a confession out of Colonel Mustard with the lead pipe and have sex with Miss Scarlet on the table of the conservatory. Also, if you open the closet to Narnia and you see a McDonald’s, something is desperately wrong here. Get used to hearing this kind of silver-tongued humor throughout the book. After all, if you’re not laughing, you’re not living!

The Lego Movie

MOVIE TITLE: The Lego Movie

DIRECTORS: Phil Lord and Christopher Miller

YEAR: 2014

GENRE: Kids Adventure

RATING: PG for comic mischief

GRADE: Extra Credit

In a world inhabited by Lego characters and creations, the evil Lord Business plans on using a weapon known as Kragle to freeze Lego parts in place and make everybody conform to his ideal utopia. The only thing that can neutralize Kragle is a special block known as the Piece of Resistance, which came into the hands of an everyday dork named Emmet Brickowski. Emmet has no fighting abilities nor creativity when it comes to building things, unlike the Master Builders he aligns himself with, who take full advantage of their creative prowess. Can an everyday loser like Emmet become something greater with this quest or will he forever be a conformist member of Lord Business’ bland culture?

This movie was so awesome that it became the first of the ones I’ve reviewed to be graded “extra credit”, which means it exceeded expectations. Then again, as a Lego collector myself who made an entire childhood of playtime with these toys, I’m kind of biased. The nostalgic feeling of a happy childhood made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. This movie has shown me that even though growing old is inevitable, but growing up is overrated. Kids learn the power of storytelling through Legos, just like I did. When they grow into adults, they’re still playing with Legos, but they’re recording the action in the form of art in order to better their wallets and their imaginations. You’re damn right I’m biased!

The message of retaining your creativity in the face of adversity is one that doesn’t get spread enough. We keep hearing about kids going to school and having their individuality crushed by sadistic teachers and cruel students. The last time I saw something like that, it was in the music videos for “The Happiest Days of Our Lives” and “Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 2” by Pink Floyd. Another part of this equation is telling children that they’ll starve if they become artists. While it is hard to be an artist and survive, it’s even harder to be a soul-dead office jockey with high stress and a bland life. The Lego Movie makes us believe in the power of our imaginations once again with the antics of the Master Builders, one of which includes an 80’s astronaut named Benny who has a zealous fervor for building spaceships.

Last, but certainly not least, every intricate detail in The Lego Movie plays out like a child using his imagination to create a story for himself. Everything and everyone in this movie has a purpose. No stone is left unturned. The Piece of Resistance is a cap and Kragle is superglue. The Master Builders’ abilities to create anything they want allows them the weapons and equipment they need to overcome their villainous obstacles. The fan fiction elements (Superman, Batman, Ninjas, Gandalf, etc.) also have a purpose: because pop culture and nostalgic fuzzy feelings go hand in hand like peanut butter and jelly, a snack eaten by those who refuse to grow up and be boring people.

Thank you, Lego Movie, for rekindling my interest in the toy franchise and reigniting my creative spirit. Thank you, Lego Movie, for telling us to never stop believing in ourselves, that we can create anything we want and still make a happy life for ourselves. Thank you, Lego Movie, for bringing happiness to my life when I was seriously doubting myself as a writer. Sometimes we just need somebody or something to tell us we can make it through life with our souls intact. The evils of the world such as politics, war, and prejudice often make us lose ourselves along the way. And then comes The Lego Movie to remind us that….(cue techno music)…”Everything is awesome!”

"Country Song" by Seether

From childhood to my early teens, I played with toys and exercised my imagination so that one day I could use it to make my dreams come true as an adult. Now that I’m an adult and have four e-books to my name, I continually look for tributes to my childhood either on the internet, in movies, or in books. I recently saw The Lego Movie and my nostalgia needs were on orgasmic overdrive.

Long before that movie came out, I saw the music video for “Country Song” by Seether, which front man Shaun Morgan once called “Toy Story on crack”. He wasn’t kidding. The video shows a kid playing with action figures on the beach and whatever he’s doing to the toys happens in the world that Shaun Morgan and his band mates inhabit.

The band members are cowboys in the wild west (as the title “Country Song” would suggest) and the other toys are the villains of the story. You’ve got a Mexican luchador, a teddy bear, a space man, all of which occupy a wild west story, by the way.

But that’s the great thing about having a budding imagination: rules don’t matter. If Shaun Morgan wants to shoot an imaginary chain gun at the other “characters” in the music video, so be it. If a big fuzzy teddy bear wants to stir up trouble in an anachronistic nightmare, let him do it. And if the kid’s little sister wants to bring her Barbies along, they can stand by Shaun’s side like the smoking hot cheerleaders they are.

When you’re a kid playing with your toys, any object can be whatever you make it. If I was eight years old and saw a lead pipe lying on the ground, I’d probably interpret it in my play world as a big ass flame cannon. If I had a human-sized stuffed panda on my bed, he’d be one hard ass motherfucker for a Lego man to kill. If I saw a rubber stamp from the library lying on the ground, I’d probably use it to flatten my action figures into pancakes (in my imagination, of course).

I was born in 1985, which means I’m physically a grownup now. Emotionally? Far from it. While I prefer to play with characters in my stories instead of action figures, I’m still the same kiddy-pie I was in the 80’s and 90’s. A boy has the right to dream, but a man has the means to make those dreams come true.

Did I mention that I have four e-books to my name? Go to Smash Words and search for Garrison Kelly if you’re interested. Go to You Tube to watch the music video for “Country Song” by Seether as well. Seether is a hard band not to love, but in case you don’t, at least you can have a nostalgia boner when watching the music video.

　

***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

INTERVIEWER: What will you tell your children when they ask about what mommy did with her talents?

TEMPERENCE: I’m not going to have children.

-Bones-

Gatekeeper Kamala

Before I was permanently banned from Play By Web for not getting along with the admins, I had an RPG on that site called “Here In My Room”, named after the Incubus song from A Crow Left of the Murder. The premise of the game was that a kid would be in his room and all of the sudden he would get sucked into an imaginary world based on one of the items in said room. For example, if the kid had a Pink Floyd the Wall poster, he would probably find himself in an assembly line full of faceless children. If the kid had an NES cartridge of Super Mario Brothers 2, he’d find himself running away from Phanto masks in the desert. Why exactly these kids were going into these imaginary worlds, I’ll never know. I never figured that part out before I was banned. All I knew was that the one person who would guide these kids into their respective worlds was a Grim Reaper-like skeleton named Gatekeeper Kamala. In case you’re wondering, I didn’t take the name Kamala from the WWE legend of the same name. The two Kamalas couldn’t be any more different if one was a Ugandan homophobe and the other was a lesbian nun. Gatekeeper Kamala may have had the appearance of Death, but he was far from lethal. He may fight for his children, but he would never injure the children themselves. He would be the one who provided the children with their respective outfits and weapons as they enter their dangerous worlds. The player who went into the Pink Floyd world was dressed in rock fan clothing and was armed with a magical guitar. The player who went in the Super Mario world was utilizing a feather and a fire flower at the same time (like either of those things would defend him against Phanto). As I write these things down in my word document, I suddenly realize why Gatekeeper Kamala is bringing these children into these fantastical worlds. The real world is a much darker place to be for a teen due to bullying students, mean teachers, and strict parents. Even if the fantasy worlds are dangerous, they’re also places where the child is free to exercise his imagination and be whoever the hell he wants to be. Gatekeeper Kamala may have a deathly appearance, but he will be the one who unlocks the players’ minds. But as I’ve said earlier in this post, I’m no longer a member of Play By Web and I don’t have a long rolodex of friends I can call to play RPG’s with me. For the time being, Gatekeeper Kamala is unemployed. As long as fan fiction laws are in place, he may remain unemployed for a long time due to me possibly being sued for using copyrighted material in my stories. If Kamala is going to find a job in my imagination, it’ll be strictly for shits and giggles. No profits, unfortunately.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Started at the age of four. My mother went to the grocery store. Went sneaking through her bedroom door to find something in a size four. Sugar and spice and everything nice wasn’t made only for girls. GI Joe in pantyhose is making room for the one and only. King for a day, princess by dawn. King for a day in a leather thong. King for a day, princess by dawn. Just wait ‘til all the guys get a load of me. My daddy threw me in therapy. He thinks I’m not a real man. Who put the drag in drag queen. Don’t knock it until you tried it.”

-Green Day singing “King for a Day”-

"Heaven" by Otherwise

As I’ve said in a previous blog entry about Skillet, I’m not a religious person by any stretch of the imagination. I don’t believe in God and I wouldn’t follow his demanding rules even if he existed. Even so, the concept of heaven has always been special to me. To my way of thinking, heaven isn’t a place we go when we die. It’s an idea. It’s the perfect utopia. My idea of heaven doesn’t necessarily have to do with clouds and harp lessons. It has more to do with a place where I feel like I’m not only welcome, but also wanted. I’ve tried to find heaven in lots of public places. I’ve looked in college classes, bus stations, bars, grocery stores, concert halls, bookstores, and not one of those places could ever be called heaven because nobody even knew I existed. I even tried to look for heaven on the beach. The cool blue water, the gorgeous pink skies, the lovely ladies in bikinis, the fluffy puppies running around, it seems like the perfect place to look for heaven. Even the beach thought I was just an invisible ghost. Could it be that my awkward behavior is keeping devil horns on my head instead of a halo? Or maybe it’s true that heaven doesn’t exist in such shallow place. The only real place I’ve been able to call heaven is my home. At home, I’m free to be myself without any limitations. I can tell as many offensive jokes as I want, I can toss around my liberal beliefs without backlash, I can speak in a monotone voice whenever I’m not feeling energetic, and I can write my stories as frequently as I want to. What does this have to do with literature, you ask? It’s simple. Every character I write about should have their own version of heaven (even if they don’t find it until the end of the story, which is usually all the time). For example, I recently wrote a short story for Good Reads called “Prozac Nation 2”. Dustin Spears is an insensitive boyfriend in a time where sensitivity and love are both needed to cool down his sorrowful girlfriend Morgan Penn. By being a jerk as a last resort, Dustin has taken away Morgan’s version of heaven and she is forced to bear her soul to him in order to get it back. Maybe I was secretly saying negative reinforcement works. I hope not. I hope it doesn’t contradict my reasons for boycotting a TV show called “Friday Night Tykes”. In any event, the story was met with a warm reception, so I’m happy about that. You know what else should be met with a warm reception? The song “Heaven” by Otherwise. Band members Adrian and Ryan Patrick’s idea of heaven was their mutual brother Ivan, who passed away a few years before the song’s release. What can they do to bring Ivan back? Keep his memory alive through their gorgeous song. With Ivan Patrick’s memory alive, the imaginations of Otherwise’s fans will be alive as well. Those are two things that will save us as a society: imagination and love. Rest in peace, Ivan Patrick.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“I never believed that your soul could be stolen from me. Who can save me from the monster that I used to be? So if you hear me now, won’t you just send me a sign? Do I make you proud? Tell me that I’m doing fine. If I could, I’d fly away. I’d talk to the angels and beg them to please let me stay. ‘Cause heaven, no heaven, I’ll never see. What can I do to bring you back to me?”

-Otherwise singing “Heaven”-