“When we find that bitch, she doesn’t get off the shock
table,” Dr. Diana Gunn reminded her two orderlies. “Shit, I don’t care if I get
the gas chamber; I’m killing that loony toon. We’re going to find her tonight.
Not after breakfast, not after Wheel of Fortune, we’re going to find her NOW!”
“She always had a thing for Legos,” said RJ Maddox as he
shined a flashlight throughout the parking lot of Toys R Us. The orderly
towered over his boss by a shit load of inches, but his menacing scowl
commanded fear more often than his brutish muscles.
“She likes to call herself the Legomancer, whatever the hell
that is,” said Jimmy Lord as he filled his syringe with a viscous red fluid.
Despite his hefty frame, he could easily keep up with his boss and his
coworker. All of this walking and not one sign of huffing and puffing.
“Liz McKinnon better goddamn jolly well be in there or I’m
having both of your nuts on a silver platter,” belted Dr. Gunn. “I don’t have
time for this bullshit. I just want to get her ass back to the hospital and
sleep easy tonight. That bitch will be lucky if she sleeps anywhere but a
fucking cemetery tonight.”
Diana pulled her taser gun out of her lab coat and flashed
some electricity to illuminate the psychotic expression on her face. Her pulsating
bloodshot eyes and botched lipstick job would have anybody kneeling on the
floor begging for mercy. RJ cracked his knuckles on both hands, every pop
sounding like a machinegun bursting during a time of war. Jimmy grinned
devilishly as he squirted a small sample of his needle fluid in the air. It was
kill or be killed for these mental hospital employees and they were bringing a
scorched earth into that darkened Toys R Us.
“Well, how do you like that?” hissed Diana. “She picked the
goddamn locks. She always was a crafty little shit. I’ll bet that’s how she got
out of her restraints. Not to worry: we’re going to fuck her up so badly she
doesn’t even make it to the hospital tonight. That bitch is DOA!”
The scorched earth attitude of the doctor and her orderlies
cooled off into a nervous freeze when they marched into the store to see what
it had become. “What the fuck?” asked Jimmy Lord as RJ shined the club-sized
flashlight around the store. Empty Lego boxes piled high in every corner. Lego
sets built as instructed, but with oddly colored bricks. Pink and blue
dinosaurs, green and red pirate ships, mismatched minifigures, and orange birds
all decorated this playful palace.
“Don’t piss your pants just yet, boys,” warned Diana as she
flashed some more electricity. “We’ve dealt with loonies like this before. This
shit ain’t new to us.” She contradicted her own statements with a prolonged,
“Oh my god!” once she and her boys made it to the middle of the store. Glowing
brightly with red and orange plastic tubes, a life size merry-go-round with
Lego horses and medieval knights twirled in circles while playing creepy organ
music in the background.
“Woo-hoo! Yeah! This is the life!” yapped Liz McKinnon as
she rode around on her own creation while waving her hands in the air. She
remained in the shadows of the carrousel and then caused her assailants to
nearly piss themselves when one of the light tubes revealed her Lego minifigure
body in life-size form. The brick legs, the tube arms, the claw-like hands, and
the smiling yellow face with wavy brown hair: she had it all.
“Don’t just stand there, guys! Let’s get her!” snapped
Diana. Her three person team bum rushed the carrousel like a family of rhinos
in a quaking stampede. Liz giggled at them and rode away on her horse towards
the back of the store. By the time Diana, RJ, and Jimmy leapt onto the
carrousel, the Lego pieces came crashing down on top of them, leaving them
buried in plastic rubble. The studs and corners nicked their human victims to
where the triple threat looked like they were mauled by street cats.
While Dr. Gunn and Jimmy wallowed in their wounds, RJ Maddox
burst out of the pile with his muscled arms in the air and an ursine roar. He
kicked his way through the shattered pieces and started picking up Lego sets
left and right to smash them into even more pieces. He lifted spaceships in the
air and threw them to the ground as hard as he could while screaming, “This is
fucking bullshit! I’m going to kill that little bitch!”
During the tall black orderly’s rampage, a pirate ship flew
by and crashed against his watermelon skull, opening a gash on the side of his
head. He growled in pain and held his wound while glaring at the source of the
pain: Liz McKinnon and her ability to levitate Lego sets in the air with her
glowing blue hands.
“You people said I was crazy,” lectured Liz while sitting
cross-legged on the floor. “Everyone told me that I was too old to play with
Legos, that I had responsibilities, that I could never be a kid again. And now
here they are sending a three-way sex circle at me in the form of you
jack-offs!”
Dr. Diana Gunn shoved the Lego pieces off of herself and
pulled Jimmy Lord to his feet before picking up her dropped taser gun and
pointing it accusingly at Liz. “You think you’re the only one who misses her
childhood?” Diana snapped. “That’s what life is all about, sweetheart!
Everybody has to grow up at some point! Everybody has to venture out into the
real world! It’s a part of the natural order! But you don’t want to be a normal
member of society, so what do you do? You endanger your husband and children
with your reckless behavior!”
“Look at you, Dr. Gunn,” mocked Liz. “Trying to debate with
a so-called crazy person. Are you sure you’re not itching for a straightjacket
yourself? Hell, maybe I can give you some of that shock treatment you gave me
for, I don’t know, twenty fucking years!” She levitated one of her spaceships
in the air and used its laser cannons to zap Diana’s taser, which sent an
electrical storm of agony throughout her convulsing body before she crumpled to
the floor.
While Jimmy tended to his boss’s wounds, RJ bolted towards
Liz and the two of them gave chase throughout the store. Liz even did some back
flips, summersaults, and made some “Hoo-hoo!” noises during her escape. RJ
shrieked, “You better pray to god that I don’t catch up to you, you little
hooker!” Liz kept up her tilt-a-whirl acrobatics and caused RJ’s blood to boil
even further.
Their chase led the two of them through the various isles
and into the back of the store, where Mr. Maddox stood in awe of the gigantic
Lego castle that Liz crafted for herself. She blew him a kiss before storming
past the gates and disappearing behind the shadows. This time RJ cracked his
neck on both sides and stomped into the castle after her. He managed to tuck
and roll out of the way of dragon statues breathing fire at him as well as
knife traps trigged from the ceiling above.
“Is that all you got?!” RJ mocked with his hands spread out
in a Jesus Christ pose. “This is what you left your family for?! I got you
cornered, you little skank! It won’t be long before I punch the shit out of
you! Hell, your husband and kids don’t even miss you anyways! I bet they’ll
dance all over your grave once I put your ass six feet under!”
As RJ trekked through the hallways of the castle, he could
hear little children crying their eyes out at his remarks. “No…no, this is
ridiculous.” He kicked down one of the doors and found Liz sitting at a dinner
table with two tiny Lego minifigures in her arms as well as a life-sized Lego
man sitting across from her. RJ rubbed his eyes to make sure he wasn’t seeing
things and indeed they were as real as the Christmas tree illuminating their
features.
“How could you say those things about my family, RJ?” asked
Liz with a sour frown. “They’ve been here the whole time. This is where I
belong, not in an insane asylum. And guess what, Mr. Maddox? This family is
only going to get bigger…and bigger…and bigger…and bigger…”
From underneath the table and underneath Liz’s belly, more
Lego mini-figures emerged to repeat her “bigger and bigger” sentiments. These
Lego babies grinned at RJ with razor-sharp teeth while some of them held
plastic swords and guns. Even Mr. McKinnon had his own gigantic silver sword
that he swung around in the air with the lightness of a feather.
“You people are fucked up! You hear me?! You’re all fucked
up!” screamed RJ as he ran out of the castle with his arms flailing in the air
like a lunatic. His childish screams turned to maniacal laughter while dragon
statues, mini-figures, and Creator dinosaurs roared monstrously at him. The
floor swirled underneath him while various light tubes flashed and nearly
caused him to have a psychotic seizure.
When RJ spotted Jimmy giving chest compressions to Diana,
the tall black orderly chuckled hysterically with his tongue hanging out to his
chest while he yanked the hypodermic needle out of Jimmy’s belt. “What the fuck
are you doing?!” Jimmy shouted. But it was too late. RJ jammed the needle into
his jugular and injected himself full of psychotic drugs. The swirling floor
constantly changed colors. The flashing lights exploded like fireworks. The
dragons and dinosaurs laughed like serial killers as did the McKinnon family
and their many “children”. RJ’s brain popped like popcorn as he crumpled to a
relaxed heap on the floor, his tongue dissolving into a red pool of filth. He
could finally close his eyes and forget that this all happened.
Hours passed since the time RJ closed his eyes. With the
heaviness in his eyelids, the aching in his head, and the soreness in his
ribcage, it felt like days, maybe even months went by. He couldn’t move his
arms because they were trapped in a straightjacket. He couldn’t sit up because
he was bound to a table with leather straps. He could turn his head slightly,
but waited until his eyes adjusted to the florescent lights to see just where
the hell he was. Strapped to the adjacent tables were a raving and drooling
Jimmy Lord and a teeth-gnashing Diana Gunn.
“At least I can get some rest,” whispered RJ as he relaxed
in his laying position.
“It’s five o’clock, Mr. Maddox. Time for your treatment!”
squeaked a familiar voice.
RJ said, “Oh, no!” and screamed his head off when he saw Liz
McKinnon decked out in hospital scrubs holding shock pads in either hands. And
yes, she was still in Lego mini-figure form. No matter how hard RJ struggled
and yelped, he couldn’t avoid the two lightning bolts surging through either
side of his head, sending him into yet another relaxed state of mind. His world
went black, but all he dreamed about was more Lego madness. More goddamn
dragons. More goddamn fanged babies. More goddamn Liz McKinnon and her freaky
family. “Just kill me already!” he drooled.
