I Never Had a Gun

VERSE 1

No toxic person has ever left my life

Because of something I said even though I was right

No toxic person was bounced from my house

Because the human body is too heavy to toss out

No toxic person was remanded to prison

Because free speech rights apply to bullies and bigots

I couldn’t stand up for what was just and fair

You need a reason? Let me just clear the air

 

CHORUS 1

Because I never had a gun

A 45 would do just fine

But I never had a gun

A bullet never forced them to be kind

 

VERSE 2

They said instead of violence, just use my words

But my brain locked up, couldn’t find a sick burn

They said to use leadership skills I didn’t have

So that I could be blamed when I finally snapped

They said to use my presence and fake charisma

When the narcissist says something sick and twisted

Master debating never achieved a damn thing

You need a reason? I got a little something to sing

 

CHORUS 2

Because I never had a gun

A bullet teaches lessons better than me

But I never had a gun

So I let them bash and break my self-esteem

 

BRIDGE

Criminalizing anger is how they stay in power

Imprisoning heroes, leave them shanked in the showers

Nothing is ever a power tripper’s fault

Even though they cover corpses with lime powder and salt

But their ears perk up with they hear a click-clack

Their ability to listen will never go back

To the negative part of the government chart

Because bullets are great for creating modern art

 

CHORUS 3

But I never had a gun

Everyone knew what I’d do with it

So I never had a gun

The world had permission to treat me like shit

Because I never had a gun

I couldn’t change the world with one clip

Happy Thanksgiving 2018

***HAPPY THANKSGIVING 2018***

With all of the political splooge going on in the world today, it’s easy to forget the positives in life. There were times when I forgot as well and took everything I had for granted. It took me a long time to get my positive energies realigned this year, but better late than never. In spite of everything, I have lots to be grateful for in 2018 alone. Isn’t that what Thanksgiving is supposed to be about? You know, aside from the good food, good company, and lots of leftovers? After a few days of Turkey comas, I finally have the energy to write a blog and that in and of itself is something for me to be grateful for. So here they are: things I’m thankful for in 2018.

***ROCK CONCERTS***

Music is more than just a collection of noise. It’s therapy. It’s medicine for the soul. Every concert I go to is a pilgrimage into the holy lands. I’ve been to eight different rock concerts this year and they were all tons of fun. In February I saw Pop Evil and three nights later I saw Starset at the same venue. In May I saw Papa Roach and on Mother’s Day I saw Soulfly at the now defunct Studio 7 in Seattle. In July I saw Breaking Benjamin and Five Finger Death Punch on the same show and at the end of that month I saw Seether. In August I saw Halestorm and In This Moment on the same show and in September I saw Evanescence perform a symphonic version of their music. The Pop Evil concert will always be known for the crazy chick who tried to dance with me, but if not for that moment, I wouldn’t have had one of the three pieces necessary to write Beautiful Monster. The Seether concert will always be known as the time another chick wrapped her arm around mine while they played “Fine Again”. I actually enjoy being seduced by women at concerts, I just don’t know what to do with that attention once I get it. Eight concerts of badass rock and roll to set my spirit on fire: what more could I ask for?

***FAMILY***

Family is always a given topic to be thankful for every time November comes along. People like to look their noses down on adults who live with their parents, but if my parents are fun to hang around with, then what’s the fucking problem? This counts for both sides of my family, whether it’s the Haines clan here in Port Orchard or the Temons clan in Tacoma. And of course, no family is complete without a collection of fur babies. As of today, I have one dog and five cats living with me. That’s a lot of furry friends! Of course, that number used to be much higher, but over the course of this year, two of my cats and one of my dogs has passed away, all due to old age. Maggie the Springer Spaniel dog had to be put to sleep because she was too sick to carry on. Sitka died on her own after battling lung cancer. Smokey had a heart attack and collapsed on my floor. If there’s something to be thankful for in all of this, it’s that I got to give these animal babies a relaxing and comfortable life during their final moments on earth. As far as humans go, my Uncle Brian passed away earlier this month after he fell asleep at the wheel and had a collision with a semi truck. I’m thankful that I introduced him to the music of Within Temptation during his final moments alive. Sharon Den Adel’s voice can be a comfort to him in death. I’ll have to contact her on Face Book and tell her this story one day.

***ONLINE FRIENDS***

As well as the physical Haines and Temons families, I consider my online friends to be my secondary family. I made a new friend on Deviant Art named Patrick Doran and he’s been my biggest supporter when I wrote the first drafts for Silent Warrior, Beautiful Monster, and Incelbordination. Whenever I doubted myself, he was there to bring me to life while still being honest in his critiques of my products. Speaking of critiques, I’ll forever be in Marie Krepps’s debt after she gave Beautiful Monster the ass-ripping it so desperately needed. I don’t know what I’d do without that wonderful woman. I’d probably get one and two star reviews on my books. She’s that good when it comes to critiques. I’m also thankful to her and her business partner Aurora Styles for allowing me to be part of their Still Standing anti-bullying anthology (I wrote Savage Beatings). They were even there for me when I felt like quitting because I thought I angered the other authors in the collection for my offensive content. On the contrary, they were very understanding of me and still thought of me as a valuable asset. That’s what true friendship is all about, ladies and gentlemen: believing in each other even when the chips are down. Speaking of which, hopefully I’ve been a good friend to Kelly Damon a.k.a. Rainbow Skychild, an Author Tuber who recently went through a depressing breakup with her now ex-boyfriend Sean. I would hug her for the longest time if I lived anywhere near South Africa (her home country). So many online friends, so little time!

***WING WEDNESDAYS***

Back in…I want to say September of this year, my brother James and I started going to hot wing restaurants every other Wednesday with his group of awesome friends. I was shy around them at first like I normally am with new people, but these friends made it easy to come out of my shell. Apparently, I have a high tolerance for spicy foods and eating them without flinching will earn me a lot of respect. One night I ordered a platter of Death Wish wings, which are the spiciest flavor the Tracyton Pub has. I ate four of them and I gave one to James’s friend Ian. I was just sitting there with a “meh” expression on my face while Ian was watery-eyed and snot-nosed after just one wing. When other members of the group offered me their wings, I made a “come at me” motion with my hand and chowed down without tearing up. I also laughed like a crazed hyena at their jokes, which made them want me around even more. Of course, we didn’t have Wing Wednesday this week because Thanksgiving was the next day and lord knows the restaurants would have been packed. No worries, because we’ll be back in full swing the Wednesday after this one. I’ll be patiently waiting!

***CONCLUSION***

Things may be rough in the world today, but if you take your time and look hard enough, you’ll find something to be grateful for. And when you do, carry that feeling with you not just until next Thanksgiving, but for the rest of your life. The world desperately needs a dose of happiness after all we’ve been through. I’m Garrison Kelly. Be good to each other.

***FACE BOOK POST OF THE DAY***

When you’re a politician greeting the public, don’t forget to kiss hands and shake babies. Wait a minute, do I have those things mixed up? Nah!

Are You Shipping Me?

***ARE YOU SHIPPING ME?***

In honor of my supportive Deviant Art friend Patrick Doran a.k.a. The Lone Wolf, I’m bringing back a meme/game that I did for Occupy Wrestling where I randomly chose two characters from a long list and put them together as a couple. This time I’m using characters from my most recent first draft novels, Silent Warrior, Beautiful Monster, and Incelbordination. There are twenty-seven names on this list and I plan on burning through ten of them for the sake of this game (that means I’ll be shipping five different potential couples). These selections will be completely random and will not pay any mind to gender or sexual orientation. Are you ready to play America’s game? No, it’s not Wheel of Fortune, so step aside, Pat Sajak! This new game is called…Are You Shipping Me? Are you ready to play? Let’s get started! Here’s the list of characters I’ve compiled:

1. Adrienne Simpson, teenaged MPDG
2. Alan Young, high school bully
3. Aloysius Striker, puppet teacher
4. Antero Magnus, involuntary celibate
5. Beth George, overbearing mother
6. Carter George, dead father
7. Christian Savage, claw-wielding mercenary
8. Craig Dunham, jock bully
9. Julie Simpson, Adrienne’s mother
10. Kody Savage, chicken shit mercenary
11. Linda Williams, high school principal
12. Mia Barry, police detective
13. Michelle Xavier, elf queen
14. Misty Keith, student with Down’s Syndrome
15. Nikita Johnson, English student
16. Orpheus Rinehart, fat mercenary boss
17. Oswald Crow, lonely dwarf
18. Paul Corbin, surrogate history teacher
19. Scott George, traumatized student
20. Shelly Atwood, vampire rapist
21. Simone Archer, trauma therapist
22. Tarja Rikkinen, staff-wielding mercenary
23. Tom Simpson, authoritarian teacher
24. Torger Manson, vampire enforcer
25. Valerie Sand, English teacher
26. Wacey Judge, gym bully
27. Windham Xavier, whip-wielding elf mercenary

Spin the wheel or buy a vowel! Damn it, this still isn’t Wheel of Fortune! Piss off, Sajak!

***FIRST COUPLE: SHELLY X ANTERO***

I swear this couple pairing was only a coincidence, but Patrick and I joked all the time about how these two deserve each other. With Shelly Atwood, you’ve got a woman who destroys men’s self-esteem by forcing them into sex slavery. With Antero Magnus, you’ve got a guy with no self-esteem to begin with because he can’t get laid. The kicker? Both of these train wrecks are the villains of their respective stories, so try not to feel bad for either of them. In fact, be sure to wish them well as they tie the knot and spread misery and hatred across the land together!

***SECOND COUPLE: ALOYSIUS X BETH***

Considering both of these women are from Silent Warrior and they both play a pivotal role in Scott George’s life, I can definitely see them being a couple. Never mind the fact that Aloysius appears as a nightmarish puppet in Scott’s dreams. Hell, she can be one of those inflatable sex puppets if Beth so desired. Both women have a nasty habit of making Scott’s life miserable, whether in the dream world or in real life. They’re both bossy as hell, they both demand conformity and obedience, and if you read far enough into the novel, you’ll understand Aloysius’s most significant connection to Scott’s life. With Carter George dead as a doornail, Beth is ripe for the picking, so come on down, Aloysius! You’re the next contestant on The Price Is Right! Goddamn it, not you too, Drew Carey!

***THIRD COUPLE: TOM X PAUL (TAUL)***

Okay, so I tried not to bring spoilers into this, but in order for the context to make sense, I’m afraid I’m going to have to. So if you haven’t read far enough into Silent Warrior yet and you don’t want to be spoiled, skip past this one. But oh my god, you talk about cats and dogs, you’ve got Tom Simpson and Paul Corbin. Tom is known throughout the story as an autocratic teacher who demands conformity and even came up with his own quote for it: “Democracy is dead!” Paul Corbin replaces him and has a much more positive impact on his students. You think if Tom and Paul became a couple that there wouldn’t be any professional jealousy? Oh, goddamn, think of all the arguments they’d have!

***FOURTH COUPLE: WINDHAM X SCOTT (WINDHOTT)***

Unlike Tom and Paul before them, this couple could actually relate to each other on a personal level and the fighting would be kept to a minimum. They’re both mentally scarred from their experiences. They both fight for their individuality in a world that demands obedience. They both have the power to change the world, though Windham uses his whip for that and Scott uses his words. They’re both passionate when it comes to their relationships. And for all of you out there who are concerned about age differences, don’t worry, Scott is eighteen and one hundred percent legal. In fact, his age becomes a huge factor in how Silent Warrior plays out. But yes, Windham and Scott would make a cute couple despite the fact that Scott dresses like a hobo and Windham is this gorgeous man stud in shining armor.

***FINAL COUPLE: CARTER X TORGER (TORTER)***

For the sake of argument, Carter George, who started Silent Warrior as a dead body, will remain a corpse during his shipping with Torger Manson. And why not? It’s usually Torger’s stepsister Shelly who gets to “have all the fun” (and I’m saying that with a sour stomach). Torger needs love too (again, I say that with a bad taste in my mouth). Why should Shelly get to choose the slaves all the time (again, ugh!)? The closest thing to fun Torger will ever have is if his victims are dead. Given that he’s high on psychedelic mushrooms all the time, that’d be the only way he’d agree to this necromantic relationship. And that’s assuming Torger has standards to begin with, which is questionable at times during Beautiful Monster.

***CONCLUSION***

Our Final Jeopardy category is…goddamn it, Alex Trebek, get out of here! This isn’t your show! I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you next time! Are You Shipping Me is a production of Merv Griffin Enterprises and is distributed by King World…no, it isn’t!

***DOMESTIC DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

REINA: How was the Seether concert?

GARRISON: Fine.

REINA: Did you meet any cute girls?

GARRISON: A short girl locked arms with me during “Fine Again”, but I didn’t do anything in return.

REINA: This seems to be a recurring theme when you go to concerts. First there was that girl at the Slipknot concert who kissed your hand and now this.

GARRISON: There was also the time at the Pop Evil concert when a girl tried to dance with me, but I walked away from her when she elbowed another concertgoer.

REINA: Yeah, that was the right choice.

GARRISON: I have no idea why women are trying to seduce me at concerts.

REINA: Maybe a shape-shifter is after you. Maybe you’re the shape-shifter.

GARRISON: I’m not a shape-shifter.

REINA: That’s exactly what a shape-shifter would say if he was denying it.

GARRISON: Damn it, Reina, you say that with everything I deny being!

Seether Concert

***SEETHER CONCERT***

Sometimes I feel like whenever I post a blog announcing my attendance at a concert, all I’m doing is stroking myself. It doesn’t help matters that I pad the text with potential ways in which these concerts could affect my creative life…even though most of the time they don’t. The last time it really did was when I went to the Pain in the Grass festival in 2016 and I wrote a heavy metal song about a drunken fool that sat next to me. Most of the time my concert experiences end up as life events on my Face Book page (now THAT’S what I call stroking myself). To be fair, though, I only post them that way because I don’t have a smart phone to take pictures and I don’t want to bring my digital camera into the mosh pit lest it gets smashed to pieces.

But it’s true, ladies and gentlemen: it’s that time again. This coming Tuesday, Seether is heading to Seattle’s Showbox SoDo and the bands that will open for them are 10 Years and The Dead Deads. I didn’t start listening to Seether until 2012 when they opened for Nickelback at the Tacoma Dome alongside Bush and My Darkest Days. The first Seether album I bought was their greatest hits collection from 2002 to 2013. My favorite songs back then were “Driven Under”, “Fine Again”, and their cover of Wham’s “Careless Whisper”. I also listened to Seether’s duet with Amy Lee called “Broken” on repeat when I came home from the movie theater after seeing Obselidia. Anyone who’s heard me talk about that movie knows it ripped my heart to shreds, so “Broken” was a more than appropriate song to soothe my feels. Seether has a reputation for soothing sorrowful and angry emotions. My collection of their CD’s is now complete and I’m ready for Tuesday.

I don’t have much else to say except for…I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you next time! My brain decided to be in zombie mode today, so I don’t feel like doing a great deal of writing. On the positive side, I did get some reading done today. It won’t be long before I write a passing grade review of “Fifty Shames of Earl Grey” by Fanny Merkin (real name Andrew Shaffer). One reviewer accurately described this author as the Weird Al Yankovich of erotica. Who am I to disagree with him?

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Whoever said this pain would ever go away didn’t know what it meant to be here without you. Is everything you see reminding you of me? Does it hurt when you breathe too? ‘Cause it does when I do. I hate to feel this way. My days all feel the same. And yesterday was proof that tomorrow will too. No matter what they say, can’t drink it all away, ‘cause all that I do is think about you. When anybody says your name, I want to run away. I keep remembering I can’t forget you. It doesn’t matter what I try, it happens anyways. It’s been forever and I can’t forget you. With every single day, it won’t go away, the way I feel about you. And when it’s said and done, you’re the only one. And I can’t regret you, ‘cause I can’t forget you. Stop haunting my dreams. Please set me free.”

-My Darkest Days singing “Can’t Forget You”-

Obselidia

MOVIE TITLE: Obselidia
DIRECTOR: Diane Bell
YEAR: 2010
GENRE: Drama
RATING: PG-13 for language
GRADE: Pass

George is a librarian who moonlights as a cataloguist for obsolete and nostalgic items, all of which he hopes to document for a book he’s putting together. He even goes so far as to believe love is obsolete and therefore leads the lonely life of being single. When he meets a beautiful projectionist named Sophie, she tries to get him to come out of his shell as the two of them venture to Death Valley to interview a climate change scientist for George’s book. The ideas of love and the apocalypse collide in a debate about how we should spend our last minutes on earth if they truly are that. Will George live the rest of his life in isolation or will he believe in the power of love humans can give each other? Does he have anything in his heart for Sophie?

The three major themes of this movie (living life to the fullest, romance, and nostalgia) intertwine perfectly with each other as they try to bring George and Sophie together as a romantic couple. With nostalgia, they bond over how the past used to be a happy and simpler time, when technology wasn’t going berserk and people paid attention to each other. With living life to the fullest, they get hard hitting cynicism from the climate change scientist who believes all happy experiences will be erased because of humankind’s sins against the earth. With romance, it’s the classic tale of a socially awkward guy like George shying away from a flirtatious girl like Sophie. With the scientist feeding him all of this negativity, George has to struggle to believe in the power of love when Sophie tries to get in his social bubble.

Near the end of the movie, we ask ourselves if George’s struggle to suppress his inner negativity is worth it. While he does realize how the power of love can make someone happy, he also realizes how it can break his heart. While I won’t give away any spoilers, I will say that Sophie does break George’s heart in the end and he’s sobbing to himself in the comfort of his own home looking at pictures of their vacation together in Death Valley. That is such a powerful image that the audience watching has no choice but to question their own capacity for romantic love. This may not have been the message the movie was trying to send, but to my way of thinking, in this 50-50 bet between happiness and heartache, I was leaning towards heartache. I was so heartbroken and touched by the movie’s end that I spent the rest of the night listening to Seether’s cover of Wham’s “Careless Whisper”.

The best part about this movie is that it encourages the audience to ask questions instead of mindlessly conforming to a singular principal. If the world ends tomorrow, how will we spend our last hours on earth? Is romantic love worth all the struggles or does it lead to easy cynicism? Should we all love each other before it truly is indeed too late? Should we have as many experiences as we can despite the huge risk attached to them? Finding the answers to these questions takes a lot of courage and living with the answers is even scarier than that. Some people become so saddened by the answers that they resort to isolation or even worse, suicide. In the end, positivity will save us. It will get us through the hardships whether they’re in a personal relationship or part of a global crisis. If you’re going to attempt to answer these questions, make sure you do it without regret. Otherwise, temporary heartache will feel like permanent torture.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“I love the way that your heart breaks with every injustice and deadly fate.”

-Flyleaf singing “Again”-

"Broken" by Seether and Amy Lee

You know what the worst part is about having a boring life? You can run away from it for a little while. You can kick it in the Caribbean, you can mingle in Mexico, you can have fish and chips in the UK, but once the vacation is over, it’s back home to a boring life. It feels good to be home every time I come back from a sabbatical, but then the loneliness sets in and it’s back to the drawing board again. Although eating at Applebee’s isn’t considered a vacation, it was an escape from the boredom of home. And then when we were in the car, I had “Broken” by Seether and Amy Lee playing on my MP3 player to drive the point home, no pun intended.

This song was obviously recorded during a time in Shaun Morgan and Amy Lee’s lives when they were still a power couple. Two hard rock icons singing about how much they want to steal each other’s pain and how they’re broken when they’re lonesome. In other words, they couldn’t live without each other. And then one day in the mid 2000’s, they broke up in an ugly fashion and wrote hateful songs about each other. I’m not sure if Seether still plays “Broken” during their live sets, but I know it’s on their greatest hits album.

The reason “Broken” is so special to me is because it conveys the feeling of impending doom when it comes to my environment stealing my pain away. I can go to Canada as many times as I want, but in the end, I still have a slow-paced life here in Port Orchard, Washington. Sometimes a slow pace is a good thing, but it really becomes slow when the boredom keeps me from doing what I love the most: write my heart out. That’s when you know you have a boring life: you’re so bored that doing what you love isn’t what you feel like doing at all.

“Broken” also reminds me to find things to steal my pain more often so that I don’t have long gaps of boredom and sadness. That’s why it’s important to me to write Fireball Nightmare chapters as much as possible. And when I have writer’s block or I just plain don’t feel like writing my main prose, then I write an entry for Garrison’s Library or I write a journal for my Deviant Art account (my username is Garrison-Kelly and my avatar is the Jolly Green Giant (look me up)). And then there are times when reading a chapter of my book is enough to steal my pain. I’m currently reading “The Fault In Our Stars” by John Green and Augustus Waters is someone who could sing in the style of “Broken” and have it make sense.

I once had somebody tell me true happiness isn’t about the big things in life. It’s about finding little things and stringing them together to make a happy life. I’ve tried to follow that advice for so long and whenever I can’t, I turn to the music of Seether for comfort. One of these days, I’ll keep my stream of fun going into infinite. An occupied mind is a happy mind, which is something prisoners learn on their first day of incarceration. In a way, I feel like a prisoner of my own boredom. The pain theft would be the visitation rights that are granted to me by my friends and family. I can do this. I know I can.

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I don’t get hyped! I stay hyped!”

-Mojo Rawley-

"Careless Whisper" by Seether

I would have never known this song existed if it hadn’t been for Wham’s original version from the 1980’s. But exist it does. There indeed is a hard rock version of “Careless Whisper” and it’s done by Seether. No, Shaun Morgan doesn’t scream his head off like most of the singers in my Windows Media Player do. In fact, Shaun Morgan sounds very pleasant. He reminds me of somebody I used to know from the early 1990’s who put out the albums Never Mind and In Utero. What’s that guy’s name again? It’s on the tip of my tongue. Hint, hint, wink, wink.

So why exactly would I pay tribute to Seether for doing a cover version of a song originated by a pop duo named Wham? Because Seether’s version is not only more energetic and depressing, but it was there for me when I walked out of the Grand Cinema in Tacoma after watching the movie “Obsoledia“. When I got in the car with my mom and step-dad Dale, it was the first song I listened to on my MP3 player. George will never dance with Sophie again, not like they did when they were out in Death Valley speculating the fate of the earth post-climate change.

“Careless Whisper” and “Obsoledia” are both mediums that will rip your heart to pieces. By the end of both of them, the beautiful relationships are over. It’s true that “Careless Whisper” wasn’t sung by Shaun Morgan with Amy Lee from Evanescence in mind. The two of them used to date and they don’t anymore. Judging from the fact the two of them wrote breakup songs about each other, the separation was pretty fucking brutal.

There was nothing ugly about the way “Obsoledia” ended. George was a lonely librarian who didn’t believe in love until he spent a weekend with Sophie. Just when this poor introvert was starting to believe in the power or romance, it was used to break his heart when it turned out Sophie already had a boyfriend. Obsoledia is about things that are obsolete in this world, so maybe Seether’s new and fresh version of “Careless Whisper” wouldn’t have fit with the movie’s theme. If it were any other canon, though, it would have worked to perfection.

Shaun Morgan and George were both people with broken hearts. I made this connection the night I saw Obsoledia and subsequently listened to “Careless Whisper” by Seether. In my short stories and novels, the power of love is a deity in and of itself. It’s worshiped to the fullest extent and executed with beauty. Characters fall in love with each other all the time, sometimes in the most inopportune times. “Not Gonna Die” and “If I Offer You My Soul”, anyone?

I can get away with that in literature, because a good story is better than a cold reality. In the real world, people get divorced and broken up all the time. When those breakups and divorces happen, they often involve a power struggle that may or may not involve violence or monetary possessiveness. We all want to believe in the power of love. But is it really there? Can it last a lifetime? Can it endure so many hardships that it becomes indestructible? The answers vary from person to person. But as long as Seether is singing “Careless Whisper” on my MP3 player, the jury will always be out on this one.

　

***FACE BOOK MEME OF THE DAY***

“If Katniss and Peeta from The Hunger Games were Hollywood celebrities, their super couple nickname would either be Kat-Pee or Pee-Niss.”

"Country Song" by Seether

From childhood to my early teens, I played with toys and exercised my imagination so that one day I could use it to make my dreams come true as an adult. Now that I’m an adult and have four e-books to my name, I continually look for tributes to my childhood either on the internet, in movies, or in books. I recently saw The Lego Movie and my nostalgia needs were on orgasmic overdrive.

Long before that movie came out, I saw the music video for “Country Song” by Seether, which front man Shaun Morgan once called “Toy Story on crack”. He wasn’t kidding. The video shows a kid playing with action figures on the beach and whatever he’s doing to the toys happens in the world that Shaun Morgan and his band mates inhabit.

The band members are cowboys in the wild west (as the title “Country Song” would suggest) and the other toys are the villains of the story. You’ve got a Mexican luchador, a teddy bear, a space man, all of which occupy a wild west story, by the way.

But that’s the great thing about having a budding imagination: rules don’t matter. If Shaun Morgan wants to shoot an imaginary chain gun at the other “characters” in the music video, so be it. If a big fuzzy teddy bear wants to stir up trouble in an anachronistic nightmare, let him do it. And if the kid’s little sister wants to bring her Barbies along, they can stand by Shaun’s side like the smoking hot cheerleaders they are.

When you’re a kid playing with your toys, any object can be whatever you make it. If I was eight years old and saw a lead pipe lying on the ground, I’d probably interpret it in my play world as a big ass flame cannon. If I had a human-sized stuffed panda on my bed, he’d be one hard ass motherfucker for a Lego man to kill. If I saw a rubber stamp from the library lying on the ground, I’d probably use it to flatten my action figures into pancakes (in my imagination, of course).

I was born in 1985, which means I’m physically a grownup now. Emotionally? Far from it. While I prefer to play with characters in my stories instead of action figures, I’m still the same kiddy-pie I was in the 80’s and 90’s. A boy has the right to dream, but a man has the means to make those dreams come true.

Did I mention that I have four e-books to my name? Go to Smash Words and search for Garrison Kelly if you’re interested. Go to You Tube to watch the music video for “Country Song” by Seether as well. Seether is a hard band not to love, but in case you don’t, at least you can have a nostalgia boner when watching the music video.

　

***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

INTERVIEWER: What will you tell your children when they ask about what mommy did with her talents?

TEMPERENCE: I’m not going to have children.

-Bones-

Love Stories

Being lonely sucks. Being in a dysfunctional relationship sucks. Breaking up sucks. And yet despite all of these aspects of relationships sucking, we continue to seek love in the strangest places. For me, I look for them in the stories I soak in whether they’re from books, movies, or songs. But when I choose a romantic medium to hold near and dear to my heart, I don’t want it to be cheesier than a Domino’s Pizza. Step down and shake it off, Harlequin, you don’t belong here. I hate to say this, but Fifty Shades of Grey and The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty don’t belong here either despite having their own posts on this blog. To my way of thinking, stories where two star-crossed lovers run in each other’s arms and fuck passionately in a perfect agreement is fake romance. I can’t relate to anything that’s perfect because I am not a perfect person. On the contrary, I’m a shy recluse who wants a relationship with a woman, but can’t ask for one because of my social barriers. Those are the stories I want to involve myself with: the shy guy or shy girl being wooed by someone who sees through their social awkwardness. Pretty much every movie I’ve seen at the art theater in Tacoma called The Grand Cinema has this premise from Safety Not Guaranteed to Mud to The Silver Linings Playbook to my absolute favorite so far, Obselidia. The latter of these four movies really yanked at my heart strings. In case you’re not familiar with this independent masterpiece, it’s about a lonely librarian named George who thinks love is obsolete since babies can be made artificially and sex is disposable. And then he meets a cinema projectionist named Sophie, who shows him that loving each other is what makes the world work. Sounds like a perfect premise, right? Not so fast, pacho. By the movie’s end, George visits Sophie’s house to deliver flowers and there’s a male voice in the background that says, “Who is it, sweetie?” Needless to say, George was heartbroken. I’d even dare say that he cried relentlessly over this turn of events. Mere moments after walking out of that movie theater with my parents, I got in the car and started listening to a cover of “Careless Whisper” by Seether on my MP3 player. When you combine Obselidia with Seether, your heartstrings will not only be tugged at, but it’ll be done with the force of a tow truck. Want some other combinations? How about The Sessions and Toto? A Late Quartet and The Moody Blues? The possibilities are endless when it comes to looking for ways to break your own heart. Even Harry Potter has elements of realistic romance, which is more than anybody can say about the Twilight series, as long as we’re continuing the war between those two canons. Hehe! War and cannons. I swear that was an accident. The point I’m trying to make is that if you’re looking for cheese, go to an Italian restaurant and order a pizza. If you want real romance that actually inspires and saddens at the same time, look for media that doesn’t have a Mary-Sue identity. To close this out with a bang, even Five Finger Death Punch is capable of realistic romance with the song “Walk Away”. Suck on that, Harlequin! Actually, don’t do that, it’ll just turn into a cheesy sex scene if you do.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“I feel so unsure as I take your hand and lead you to the dance floor. As the music dies, something in your eyes calls to mind the silver screen and all its sad goodbyes. I’m never gonna dance again, ‘cause guilty feet have got no rhythm. Though it’s easy to pretend, I know you’re not a fool. I should have known better than the cheat a friend and waste the chance that I’ve been given. So I’m never gonna dance again the way I danced with you.”

-Seether singing “Careless Whisper” by Wham!-