Happy Thanksgiving 2018

***HAPPY THANKSGIVING 2018***

With all of the political splooge going on in the world today, it’s easy to forget the positives in life. There were times when I forgot as well and took everything I had for granted. It took me a long time to get my positive energies realigned this year, but better late than never. In spite of everything, I have lots to be grateful for in 2018 alone. Isn’t that what Thanksgiving is supposed to be about? You know, aside from the good food, good company, and lots of leftovers? After a few days of Turkey comas, I finally have the energy to write a blog and that in and of itself is something for me to be grateful for. So here they are: things I’m thankful for in 2018.

***ROCK CONCERTS***

Music is more than just a collection of noise. It’s therapy. It’s medicine for the soul. Every concert I go to is a pilgrimage into the holy lands. I’ve been to eight different rock concerts this year and they were all tons of fun. In February I saw Pop Evil and three nights later I saw Starset at the same venue. In May I saw Papa Roach and on Mother’s Day I saw Soulfly at the now defunct Studio 7 in Seattle. In July I saw Breaking Benjamin and Five Finger Death Punch on the same show and at the end of that month I saw Seether. In August I saw Halestorm and In This Moment on the same show and in September I saw Evanescence perform a symphonic version of their music. The Pop Evil concert will always be known for the crazy chick who tried to dance with me, but if not for that moment, I wouldn’t have had one of the three pieces necessary to write Beautiful Monster. The Seether concert will always be known as the time another chick wrapped her arm around mine while they played “Fine Again”. I actually enjoy being seduced by women at concerts, I just don’t know what to do with that attention once I get it. Eight concerts of badass rock and roll to set my spirit on fire: what more could I ask for?

***FAMILY***

Family is always a given topic to be thankful for every time November comes along. People like to look their noses down on adults who live with their parents, but if my parents are fun to hang around with, then what’s the fucking problem? This counts for both sides of my family, whether it’s the Haines clan here in Port Orchard or the Temons clan in Tacoma. And of course, no family is complete without a collection of fur babies. As of today, I have one dog and five cats living with me. That’s a lot of furry friends! Of course, that number used to be much higher, but over the course of this year, two of my cats and one of my dogs has passed away, all due to old age. Maggie the Springer Spaniel dog had to be put to sleep because she was too sick to carry on. Sitka died on her own after battling lung cancer. Smokey had a heart attack and collapsed on my floor. If there’s something to be thankful for in all of this, it’s that I got to give these animal babies a relaxing and comfortable life during their final moments on earth. As far as humans go, my Uncle Brian passed away earlier this month after he fell asleep at the wheel and had a collision with a semi truck. I’m thankful that I introduced him to the music of Within Temptation during his final moments alive. Sharon Den Adel’s voice can be a comfort to him in death. I’ll have to contact her on Face Book and tell her this story one day.

***ONLINE FRIENDS***

As well as the physical Haines and Temons families, I consider my online friends to be my secondary family. I made a new friend on Deviant Art named Patrick Doran and he’s been my biggest supporter when I wrote the first drafts for Silent Warrior, Beautiful Monster, and Incelbordination. Whenever I doubted myself, he was there to bring me to life while still being honest in his critiques of my products. Speaking of critiques, I’ll forever be in Marie Krepps’s debt after she gave Beautiful Monster the ass-ripping it so desperately needed. I don’t know what I’d do without that wonderful woman. I’d probably get one and two star reviews on my books. She’s that good when it comes to critiques. I’m also thankful to her and her business partner Aurora Styles for allowing me to be part of their Still Standing anti-bullying anthology (I wrote Savage Beatings). They were even there for me when I felt like quitting because I thought I angered the other authors in the collection for my offensive content. On the contrary, they were very understanding of me and still thought of me as a valuable asset. That’s what true friendship is all about, ladies and gentlemen: believing in each other even when the chips are down. Speaking of which, hopefully I’ve been a good friend to Kelly Damon a.k.a. Rainbow Skychild, an Author Tuber who recently went through a depressing breakup with her now ex-boyfriend Sean. I would hug her for the longest time if I lived anywhere near South Africa (her home country). So many online friends, so little time!

***WING WEDNESDAYS***

Back in…I want to say September of this year, my brother James and I started going to hot wing restaurants every other Wednesday with his group of awesome friends. I was shy around them at first like I normally am with new people, but these friends made it easy to come out of my shell. Apparently, I have a high tolerance for spicy foods and eating them without flinching will earn me a lot of respect. One night I ordered a platter of Death Wish wings, which are the spiciest flavor the Tracyton Pub has. I ate four of them and I gave one to James’s friend Ian. I was just sitting there with a “meh” expression on my face while Ian was watery-eyed and snot-nosed after just one wing. When other members of the group offered me their wings, I made a “come at me” motion with my hand and chowed down without tearing up. I also laughed like a crazed hyena at their jokes, which made them want me around even more. Of course, we didn’t have Wing Wednesday this week because Thanksgiving was the next day and lord knows the restaurants would have been packed. No worries, because we’ll be back in full swing the Wednesday after this one. I’ll be patiently waiting!

***CONCLUSION***

Things may be rough in the world today, but if you take your time and look hard enough, you’ll find something to be grateful for. And when you do, carry that feeling with you not just until next Thanksgiving, but for the rest of your life. The world desperately needs a dose of happiness after all we’ve been through. I’m Garrison Kelly. Be good to each other.

***FACE BOOK POST OF THE DAY***

When you’re a politician greeting the public, don’t forget to kiss hands and shake babies. Wait a minute, do I have those things mixed up? Nah!

Talk to the Wind

***TALK TO THE WIND***

I’ve said many times in the past that Martin Kesici (KIZ-uh-chee) is one of the most underrated rock stars in the world today. He’s got charisma, he’s got a voice of gold, and he knows how to get heavy when it counts. But if his Wikipedia stub is anything to go by, he doesn’t get the fame and fortune that he deserves. Yes, I know that any dumb-ass can edit a Wikipedia page and without proper sources those pages are unreliable. There are even rock musicians today that don’t have their own Wikipedia page at all, I get that. But if I say the name Martin Kesici to you, what do you associate that with? Exactly. Try finding him on iTunes, by the way, see how far you’ll go.

I can tell you firsthand that Mr. Kesici deserves more recognition because his 2005 album “So What?” and his “My Heart Beats Pain” EP can tug at the heartstrings while rocking your ass out at the same time. I know I’m beating a dead horse when I talk about my lonely WWU days, but Martin Kesici’s music was one of the things that got me through it all. From the moment I heard his duet with Tarja Turunen called “Leaving You For Me”, I knew I had to have the “So What?” album. On that same album is a song called “Talk to the Wind”, which invokes imagery of heartwarming romantic love. Lord knows I’ve had plenty of crushes in college, so thinking about them with this song playing in my headsets was pure heaven. As long as I had this song, I never had to feel lonely or depressed ever again. Here are the lyrics:

VERSE 1

In a little wooden church with stained glass windows

You came walking down the aisle with your perfect smile

Ever since that precious day, we’ve always been together

And we’ve had our ups and downs, but we’ll always come around

CHORUS

I talk to the wind when there’s nothing left to say

It gets rough sometimes, but I know we’ll be okay

Just a whisper in my ear is enough to bring me back

To when you gave yourself to me in the church by the sea

I talk to the wind

VERSE 2

People say we’ll never last, that it happened way too fast

Yes, we’ve had our share of fights and lonely nights

But I knew it when I saw you, your big brown eyes

That no matter what we go through, we will always get by

CHORUS

I talk to the wind when there’s nothing left to say

It gets rough sometimes, but I know we’ll be okay

Just a whisper in my ear is enough to bring me back

To when you gave yourself to me in the church by the sea

I talk to the wind

BRIDGE

When it feels like the end of our journey

All we need is to keep the wheel turning

No matter what comes our way

CHORUS

I talk to the wind when there’s nothing left to say

It gets rough sometimes, but I know we’ll be okay

Just a whisper in my ear is enough to bring me back

To when you gave yourself to me in the church by the sea

I talk to the wind

***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTESTS AND COMPANY***

It’s a brand new week at the WSS and it’s time for a new story, this time with the prompt suggestion of “teeth”. There are lots of things an author or poet can do with teeth, but here’s what I’d like to do. It’s called “The Ballad of Gravedigger Jane” and it goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

1. Chris Duncan, Political Pundit
2. Gravedigger Jane, Transgender Boxing Champion

PROMPT CONFORMITY: Gravedigger Jane has loosened her opponents’ teeth many times during her boxing career. The same fate could befall Chris Duncan if he keeps running his mouth.

SYNOPSIS: Chris Duncan is a guest speaker at Beachside University and his topic of choice is running down the LGBT community. He gets an equal amount of cheers and boos from the student audience, but things get heated when he singles out Gravedigger Jane for wanting to use female bathrooms and locker rooms and for fighting other female competitors. Instead of taking another minute of abuse, Jane storms down the aisle in an attempt to beat the holy hell out of Chris. The only things keeping her from doing so are the heavy security detail and potentially being blackballed from college boxing if she goes through with it. The more Chris taunts her, the more punchable his face becomes.

FUN FACTS: This story has two sources of inspiration: the MMA community’s bigoted reaction to Fallon Fox in 2013 and Milo Yiannopoulos’s visit to a college campus where he bullied a transgender student in front of the audience. As you can tell, this story is going to push more buttons than an old school arcade game cabinet.

***MASHUP IDEAS***

In a moment of sheer boredom, I came up with ideas for mashup songs. I have no idea how to make a mashup song, but if one of my readers out there does, here are some suggestions you can try:

1. Five Finger Death Punch vs. TNA: “Under and Over Feedback”
2. Limp Bizkit vs. Spice One: “Born 2 Truth”
3. Linkin Park vs. From Ashes to New: “Breaking In the End”
4. Linkin Park vs. Street Fighter Alpha 3: “The Faint Road”
5. Seether vs. Martin Kesici and Tarja Turunen: “I’m Fine with Leaving You For Me Again”
6. Tribe Called Quest vs. Earthbound: “Weird Butter”

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Ever since I’ve started writing sci-fi and fantasy stories for the WSS once again, I’ve had more ideas for drawings. The latest in this series will be Lux, the control engineer behind Kobra’s illusions in the short story “I Am Death”. She’ll probably look vastly different from how I’ve described her in the canon, but I’ll try my hardest to be at least somewhat faithful to her white dress, black boots, and black mask outfit.

***TELEVISION QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Who are some of your favorite bands? I like the Various Artists.”

-Adrian Monk-

"My Heart Beats Pain" by Martin Kesici

I’ve always said that Martin Kesici is one of the most underrated rockers in the music industry today. You can’t find his music on iTunes, his Wikipedia page has next to nothing on it, and whenever you bring his name up in conversation to one of your buddies, they’ll look at you like you have vipers slithering out of your nose.

But never forget that the definition of being underrated is that the person gets less credit than they deserve. When you hear the song “My Heart Beats Pain” by Martin Kesici for the first time, you’ll begin to question why he’s not a worldwide sensation already. It’s a gorgeous ballad about losing the one you love in the form of death.

I’ve only had two girlfriends my whole life and both of them are still living. So why then would I be able to relate to this beautiful piece of rock and roll music? For one, it’s beautiful, so that will get the artist brownie points with me. And two, because for my two ex-girlfriends and millions of crushes, it feels like they are dead.

I could just as easily bring them back to life by talking to them and letting them know how I feel. In order to do that, I have to have two things: a spinal cord and thick skin. I know I have a spinal cord because I can hear it cracking whenever I bend backwards. I know I have thick skin because all of my recent photographs make me look like I’m 400 lbs (I’m much lighter, by the way).

In the figurative sense, I have neither. It takes all the strength I have just to talk to a beautiful woman and I know it will take strength I never knew I possessed to mend my broken heart after they tell me “no”. I have this certainty within me that every girl I attempt to talk to will push me away because of my social awkwardness, my looks, the way I dress, or simply because they don’t feel like it. These are just excuses I use to stay away from lovely women, but that doesn’t mean they won’t be used against me.

My shyness is costing me relationships. My aggression will cost me relationships too. I need people in my life who accept me for who I am regardless of my faults. In the eyes of a stranger, the faults are my most noticeable features.

So whenever I need “My Heart Beats Pain” as creative fuel for my writing, I remember that shy guy romances are one of my favorite genres to work with. Whether or not the protagonists of these stories get what they want varies from story to story. You can’t win them all and when you lose them, you lose them forever. It’d be nice if the shy guys in my stories had a healthy relationship every now and then, but it doesn’t always turn out that way.

Martin Kesici doesn’t have to worry about these things because he’s a rock star. He’s an underrated rock star, but he’s a rock star nonetheless. He still found it within him to communicate the dark side of romance in this gorgeous piece of music known as “My Heart Beats Pain”.

And if you still can’t figure out how to pronounce his last name, it’s “KIZ-ih-chee”. He has a Turkish father and a German mother. Guess where he gets his last name from.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“My heart beats pain ever since that day life’s taken you away. But one day, I will be with you again.”

-Martin Kesici singing “My Heart Beats Pain”-

"The Cat Who Talked Turkey" by Lilian Jackson Braun

Jim Qwilleran has a lot on his plate in “The Cat Who Talked Turkey”. A man mysteriously dies on his property all while Qwill tries to write a radio drama about the Storm of 1913 on top of writing articles in the newspaper about recent events such as the building of a new library and the Scottish celebration in the neighboring town of Brr. How does he juggle all of these elements into his own personal narrative? With the help of his two Siamese kitty babies, Koko and Yum-Yum. Cats always give their owners comfort and coziness, especially in times of nervousness and high energy. A simple stroke along the kitty’s soft, fluffy fur can bring about feelings of joy comparable to the same kitty’s gentle purr. But Koko and Yum-Yum aren’t just comfort animals. They’re very helpful to Qwilleran when he needs a mystery to be solved. Koko is extremely intuitive when it comes to detecting the ill intentions of the people that Qwill involves himself with. If Koko likes the person, he’ll emit a gentle meow and maybe even a few purrs that are as loud as a lawnmower. If he senses foul play, he’ll emit one of his famous “death howls” along with his evil-sounding hisses. Qwill often wonders if Koko has psychic abilities or if he just has a lot of empathy for people. Yum-Yum plays the part of the affectionate and flirty kitty. She’s always rubbing her head against the guests’ ankles and even untying their shoes for them. She loves to bat around small objects, her favorite one in this particular story being a metal thimble. Yum-Yum can be just as intuitive as Koko, but gets too nervous to spring into action like her older brother normally does. Together, Koko and Yum-Yum bring joy and happiness not only to the lives of Qwill and his friends, but also to the reader. Despite the multiple murders that take place in this story, they’re not enough to keep the reader from wanting to snuggle the two kitties in his arms and hold them on his lap. Belly rubs and gentle ear massages for Koko and Yum-Yum! Because of the coziness and happiness these “Cat Who…” books bring about, I could easily go through the whole series without missing a beat. It’s what Lilian Jackson Braun would have wanted: for the two little animal babies to be remembered for bringing joy into people‘s lives. May Ms. Braun rest in peace.

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“An art thief is someone who takes pictures.”

-George Carlin-