***ARE YOU SHIPPING ME?***
In honor of my supportive Deviant Art friend Patrick Doran
a.k.a. The Lone Wolf, I’m bringing back a meme/game that I did for Occupy
Wrestling where I randomly chose two characters from a long list and put them
together as a couple. This time I’m using characters from my most recent first
draft novels, Silent Warrior, Beautiful Monster, and Incelbordination. There
are twenty-seven names on this list and I plan on burning through ten of them
for the sake of this game (that means I’ll be shipping five different potential
couples). These selections will be completely random and will not pay any mind
to gender or sexual orientation. Are you ready to play America
- Adrienne Simpson, teenaged MPDG
- Alan Young, high school bully
- Aloysius Striker, puppet teacher
- Antero Magnus, involuntary celibate
- Beth George, overbearing mother
- Carter George, dead father
- Christian Savage, claw-wielding mercenary
- Craig Dunham, jock bully
- Julie Simpson, Adrienne’s mother
- Kody Savage, chicken shit mercenary
- Linda Williams, high school principal
- Mia Barry, police detective
- Michelle Xavier, elf queen
- Misty Keith, student with Down’s Syndrome
- Nikita Johnson, English student
- Orpheus Rinehart, fat mercenary boss
- Oswald Crow, lonely dwarf
- Paul Corbin, surrogate history teacher
- Scott George, traumatized student
- Shelly Atwood, vampire rapist
- Simone Archer, trauma therapist
- Tarja Rikkinen, staff-wielding mercenary
- Tom Simpson, authoritarian teacher
- Torger Manson, vampire enforcer
- Valerie Sand, English teacher
- Wacey Judge, gym bully
- Windham Xavier, whip-wielding elf mercenary
Spin the wheel or buy a vowel! Damn it, this still isn’t
Wheel of Fortune! Piss off, Sajak!
***FIRST COUPLE: SHELLY X ANTERO***
I swear this couple pairing was only a coincidence, but
Patrick and I joked all the time about how these two deserve each other. With
Shelly Atwood, you’ve got a woman who destroys men’s self-esteem by forcing
them into sex slavery. With Antero Magnus, you’ve got a guy with no self-esteem
to begin with because he can’t get laid. The kicker? Both of these train wrecks
are the villains of their respective stories, so try not to feel bad for either
of them. In fact, be sure to wish them well as they tie the knot and spread
misery and hatred across the land together!
***SECOND COUPLE: ALOYSIUS X BETH***
Considering both of these women are from Silent Warrior and
they both play a pivotal role in Scott George’s life, I can definitely see them
being a couple. Never mind the fact that Aloysius appears as a nightmarish
puppet in Scott’s dreams. Hell, she can be one of those inflatable sex puppets
if Beth so desired. Both women have a nasty habit of making Scott’s life
miserable, whether in the dream world or in real life. They’re both bossy as
hell, they both demand conformity and obedience, and if you read far enough
into the novel, you’ll understand Aloysius’s most significant connection to
Scott’s life. With Carter George dead as a doornail, Beth is ripe for the
picking, so come on down, Aloysius! You’re the next contestant on The Price Is
Right! Goddamn it, not you too, Drew Carey!
***THIRD COUPLE: TOM X PAUL (TAUL)***
Okay, so I tried not to bring spoilers into this, but in
order for the context to make sense, I’m afraid I’m going to have to. So if you
haven’t read far enough into Silent Warrior yet and you don’t want to be
spoiled, skip past this one. But oh my god, you talk about cats and dogs,
you’ve got Tom Simpson and Paul Corbin. Tom is known throughout the story as an
autocratic teacher who demands conformity and even came up with his own quote
for it: “Democracy is dead!” Paul Corbin replaces him and has a much more
positive impact on his students. You think if Tom and Paul became a couple that
there wouldn’t be any professional jealousy? Oh, goddamn, think of all the
arguments they’d have!
***FOURTH COUPLE: WINDHAM
Unlike Tom and Paul before them, this couple could actually
relate to each other on a personal level and the fighting would be kept to a
minimum. They’re both mentally scarred from their experiences. They both fight
for their individuality in a world that demands obedience. They both have the
power to change the world, though Windham Windham and Scott would make a cute
couple despite the fact that Scott dresses like a hobo and Windham
***FINAL COUPLE: CARTER X TORGER (TORTER)***
For the sake of argument, Carter George, who started Silent
Warrior as a dead body, will remain a corpse during his shipping with Torger
Manson. And why not? It’s usually Torger’s stepsister Shelly who gets to “have
all the fun” (and I’m saying that with a sour stomach). Torger needs love too
(again, I say that with a bad taste in my mouth). Why should Shelly get to
choose the slaves all the time (again, ugh!)? The closest thing to fun Torger
will ever have is if his victims are dead. Given that he’s high on psychedelic
mushrooms all the time, that’d be the only way he’d agree to this necromantic
relationship. And that’s assuming Torger has standards to begin with, which is
questionable at times during Beautiful Monster.
***CONCLUSION***
Our Final Jeopardy category is…goddamn it, Alex Trebek, get
out of here! This isn’t your show! I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you next
time! Are You Shipping Me is a production of Merv Griffin Enterprises and is
distributed by King World…no, it isn’t!
***DOMESTIC DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
REINA: How was the Seether concert?
GARRISON: Fine.
REINA: Did you meet any cute girls?
GARRISON: A short girl locked arms with me during “Fine
Again”, but I didn’t do anything in return.
REINA: This seems to be a recurring theme when you go to
concerts. First there was that girl at the Slipknot concert who kissed your
hand and now this.
GARRISON: There was also the time at the Pop Evil concert
when a girl tried to dance with me, but I walked away from her when she elbowed
another concertgoer.
REINA: Yeah, that was the right choice.
GARRISON: I have no idea why women are trying to seduce me
at concerts.
REINA: Maybe a shape-shifter is after you. Maybe you’re the
shape-shifter.
GARRISON: I’m not a shape-shifter.
REINA: That’s exactly what a shape-shifter would say if he
was denying it.
GARRISON: Damn it, Reina, you say that with everything I
deny being!
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