***THE BROWN RANGER***
When I was a kid growing up in the early 90’s, I watched a
lot of Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. There was something about martial
arts-loving high school students in colorful spandex suits and motorcycle
helmets that made me believe in delicious violence. My favorite Power Ranger
was always Tommy Oliver a.k.a. the Green/White Ranger. I don’t know what it was
about him that I liked so much, but he was my favorite as well as my brother’s
favorite. Maybe I kept having sympathy for him when Rita Repulsa kept trying to
take his powers away. Maybe I wanted him to shack up with Kimberly a.k.a. the
Pink Ranger. No matter what appealed to me about the show in general, I never
forget my creative roots. Hip-hop music helped shape my poetry and Power
Rangers helped shape my love for violent stories.
I’ve tried on two different occasions to bring the Power
Rangers back into my life through the power of writing. I had to tread
carefully both times because I could potentially be sued if I published these
stories as my own (despite acknowledging that the Power Rangers are someone
else’s property). The first attempt was a black comedy short story called “Kill
the Power Rangers”, where a little fan girl named Wendi Kael was doing badly in
school and would only do her homework at her stepfather’s threat of “killing
the Power Rangers”. When Wendi tried to call his bluff, she found corpses all
over the house dressed up in Power Rangers outfits, most notably the Blue
Ranger with a garden hoe up his ass (get it? Because the actor is gay?
Hee-hee-ho-ho…ugh). While the synopsis of this story made a lot of people
laugh, I eventually had to abandon it due to too many plot holes and a
painfully obvious Deus Ex Machina ending.
And then we have the second attempt at a Power Rangers
homage with a novel idea called “The Brown Ranger”. Mind you, this never
actually became a novel and the synopsis is no longer in my archives, so I’m
flying blind here. The premise was that Rita Repulsa’s new monsters were too
powerful for the original rainbow-colored rangers, so Zordon has to recruit a
Bad Santa-esque loser named Shawn Hamlet to be his Brown Ranger. Shawn, who is
an avid beer drinker and pot smoker, believes that Zordon is high on drugs
himself if he thinks Shawn would make a good Power Ranger, let alone one whose
uniform is the same color as shit. It takes a while for Shawn to accept his
responsibility as earth’s guardian, but he eventually makes the most of his
brown uniform by yelling, “Eat shit, motherfuckers!” as he charges into battle.
I guess this too could be considered black comedy considering the main
character’s penchant for swearing and drugs, both behaviors completely opposite
of what normal Power Rangers preach.
So the question now is, what should I do with these two
ideas? One was scrapped, the other never happened. If I had a chance to do them
over again, I would. If I knew of a legal loophole that allowed me to use the
Power Rangers name, I would exploit it. You could say that I could just publish
these stories as fan fiction, but that’s not enough for me. I want them to be
official works of mine and not just stories that are at the mercy of the legal
system. I suppose I could use parody names, but where’s the authenticity in
that? Author problems, ladies and gentlemen. Author problems.
But wait a minute…does the Brown Ranger actually have to be
a Power Ranger? Can he instead be a D&D-style ranger who wears all brown
and uses shit-themed insults on his opponents? Imagine littering in the forest
and having to deal with Shawn Hamlet sticking a knife in your throat. If Carl
Hiaasen wrote fantasy novels, this is how it would play out for sure. Maybe
it’ll have more creative methods of violence than a knife threat, but you get
the idea.
And now that I think about it, parodies aren’t so bad when
applied correctly. If I wanted to keep the theme of Hiaasen-esque environmental
terrorism, I could call them The Flower Rangers. They could dress up in
hippie-themed spandex and save the world from oil tycoons who want to build
pipelines in the most inappropriate places. Maybe the Flower Rangers (or the
Brown Ranger in particular) could have been perfect foils to the jerk-offs who
tried to build a pipeline through Native American burial grounds in North Dakota . So many
ideas. So many goddamn ideas. I can actually feel my brain wake up after such a
long time in exhaustive mode. Hehe!
But why should I have all of the fun? The question of the
day, to you the audience, is how would you book The Brown Ranger? Yes, I know I
just used a wrestling term (book), but you know what I mean…hopefully. How
would The Brown Ranger play a pivotal role in whatever novel you were writing?
Is he an environmental terrorist? Is he an army ranger? Is he a role model for
small children? Is he sewer dwelling warrior? If you’ve got an idea you’d like
to throw in the mix, feel free to let us hear it. We’ve got ears, say cheers!
***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTESTS AND COMPANY***
The new contest started yesterday and the theme this week
will be “Round Table”. Any medieval literature fans out there will know where a
lot of authors at the WSS will take this prompt. For me personally? I’m doing
something a little more autobiographical. In the style of the Awkward Behavior
posts in my Garrison’s Library blog, this story will be called “Weirdo Alert”
and it goes like this:
CHARACTERS:
1. Denny
Smith, Bodily Functions Gimmick
2. Louise
Bradbury, Barista
PROMPT CONFORMITY: The tables at the coffee bar are round.
SYNOPSIS: Louise is working at a coffee bar at the mall when
Denny sits down at one of her tables with a gigantic bucket of ice cream. As
Denny eats the ice cream and slops it on himself, he also draws attention by
blowing his nose loudly, gagging on his snot, and farting horrible stenches.
Louise has to do something before all of her customers walk out on her.
OOC: I sure have a lot of American Darkness 2 characters
with “Brad” in their last names. Actually, the only other two characters like
that are Beth Bradshaw (D&D cleric from Emoticon Artist) and Eric Bradley
(schizophrenic millennial from Cold and Scared).
***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***
In the wake of Marie Krepps creating a new book cover for
and advertising the hell out of Occupy Wrestling (to which I give my
never-ending thanks), my next Dark Fantasy Warrior will be one of Keegan’s
monsters. He’s a scythe-wielding, psychopathic skeleton named Riley Warpthroat.
Marie used to jokingly call him “Really Deepthroat”, but make no mistake about
it, this monster is one of Mitch McLeod’s toughest opponents, especially during
a time in the story where the World Champ is being worn down from all of these
battles.
***FACE BOOK POST OF THE DAY***
(I think I just found
the perfect intro for a song in Necrograph called “Why Are You Laughing at
Me?”)
SMALL BOY: That Lacey
Sturm is so pretty! When I grow up, I’m going to marry her!
CROWD: Hahahahahahaha!
SMALL BOY: W…why are you
laughing at me?
CROWD: Hahahahahahahaha!
SMALL BOY:
(sniff)…(sniff)…Why?
ACTUAL SONG CHORUS: Tell
me why! Why are you laughing at me?! / Tell me who! Who should I try to be?! /
Tell me what! What the fuck is your deal?! / Tell me how! How should I fucking
feel?!
