A Hairdresser vs. Garrison's Autism: You Can't Spell Hairdresser without the Letters HR

 

Written Implications: Occupy Wrestling

***WRITTEN IMPLICATIONS: OCCUPY WRESTLING***

An authortube meme stolen from Kelly Damon a.k.a. Rainbow Skychild: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CK1AVagRXeY

As Kelly (no relation to me) says in the video, this meme is geared towards writers of fantasy and sci-fi since the boundaries for real world scenarios are already set. Well, Occupy Wrestling is an urban fantasy, but it still operates on its own implications, much like pro-wrestling does in the real world.

Occupy Wrestling tells the story of a heated rivalry between blue-collar underdog Mitch McLeod and his bitter billionaire boss Keegan Day. It takes Mitch forever to get a World Championship opportunity and when he finally does, he accidentally kills his opponent. And yet it’s Keegan who ends up behind bars because of his shady dealings with bookies and even the IRS. Everything should be happy in the world of pro-wrestling, right? Wrong! Keegan rolls out a brand new wrestling roster filled with magical monsters and vicious creatures. They’ve got claws, muscles, fangs, fur, and nasty attitudes. They all want what Mitch has: the KDW World Championship. Maybe they want even more than that: his life!

First implication: much like in the real world, the top one-percent is never held accountable. Oh sure, Keegan gets put in a minimum security prison, but what does that really solve? Nothing. He’s still all powerful. He still has demons and monsters at his disposal. He can still make Mitch McLeod’s life a living hell. Keegan could walk down Fifth Avenue, shoot somebody, and not a goddamn thing would happen to him. Sound familiar?

Second implication: Mitch McLeod is a Gary-Stu for a reason and it has nothing to do with me babying him. It has everything to do with him being overprotective of his girlfriend Debra Winter. Debra wants to be a badass wrestler just like her boyfriend, but Mitch refuses to train her out of fear that she’ll be put in sexually exploitative matches. This novella was written before the Women’s Evolution in WWE, so Mitch has a least a little bit of truth in his argument.

Third Implication: Debra Winter will always be in danger as long as she doesn’t know how to fight. It doesn’t matter if she’s with Mitch or in a safe house somewhere: Keegan’s forces of evil will always find her, probably because their animal instincts. For fuck’s sake, Mitch, just train her already! Quit being a goddamn superhero and swallow your fucking pride!

Fourth Implication: the police are largely useless in this novella for a number of reasons. One, they’re being paid off by Keegan Day. Two, some of them just don’t care enough. Three, those that do care are vastly outnumbered. And four, nobody believes that Keegan is unleashing monsters upon his roster. Having a useless police force is necessary in pretty much all of my novels, because if they can solve everything, there’s no point in the main character going through a journey of any kind.

Fifth Implication: training for wrestling in Japan is considerably worse than training anywhere else. And yet in the real world, there are wrestlers who would rather train in a brutal Japanese dojo than get anywhere near former WWE trainer Bill DeMott. You know you suck as a trainer when your students would rather get humiliated and beaten by Japanese wrestlers than learn anything from you. That’s like saying, “I’d rather have my dick sawed off than train with Bill DeMott.” Not quite, but close enough.

Final Implication: Pro-wrestling is treated as a legitimate sport in this novella, no different from football, MMA, or basketball. And yet, the same dumb-ass logic still applies and wrestlers can get away with just about anything. And before you pipe up and say that Keegan went to jail, I must remind you that he still controls everything from his comfy cell. He’s about as powerful as a mafia kingpin. Why wouldn’t he be? He’s got monsters and money, two things you need to succeed as a wrestling promoter.

Well, I had lots of fun doing this! And guess what? If you’re an author of fantasy or sci-fi, you can do this too! I won’t tag anybody, but if you want to tag yourself, you’re more than welcome to do so. Let’s have some fun together! Oh, and don’t forget to purchase a copy of Occupy Wrestling at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and other online retailers (but only if you’re a wrestling fan, which I can’t stress enough, because you might not enjoy or understand it otherwise). I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!

***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

GIRLFRIEND: I’m sorry, Jerry, but I can’t date a man if I don’t respect what he does for a living.

JERRY: You’re a cashier!

-Seinfeld-

Garrisonian Tropes

***GARRISONIAN TROPES***

Whenever Ashley Uzzell/Marie Krepps and I get together for a critiquing session, she always jokes about common tropes that end up in my writing and I laugh along with her. She recently wrote an awesome review for American Darkness where she describes my characters as being constantly pissed off about everything. I thought that was funny as hell. Plus, I’m grateful for all three of my stars. Would you guys like to see some of these tropes and how I analyze them? I’m sure you’d love that, so that’s what I’m going to do since I’m all about customer service.

***MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRL***

Debra Winter from Occupy Wrestling (published) and Kelly McVeigh from Filter Feeder (first draft) would be the exceptions to this rule, but from Watch You Burn on, every female supporting character I had falls under the Manic Pixie Dream Girl category. Every fucking one of them. In case you don’t know what this pejorative term means, it’s a supporting female character whose sole purpose in the novel is to boost the self-esteem of the brooding male protagonist. Jessica Harley (Watch You Burn), Raven Triscloud (Demon Axe), Adrienne Simpson (Silent Warrior), and Tarja Rikkinen (Beautiful Monster) are all shining examples of the trope. There’s supposed to be some sort of psychoanalysis as to why male authors write these characters, but I don’t quite know what it is. If any of you would like to pick my brain, that’d be wonderful. I swear I’m not writing these characters to be a sexist pig. I didn’t even know this kind of character had a pejorative term until after I started writing Beautiful Monster. I’m so far down the rabbit hole with that novel that I might as well see it through to the twenty-first chapter and fix it all later.

***FAT VILLAINS***

Ashley loves to joke about this one a lot and I can definitely see the humor in it. Most of my fat villains come from American Darkness and Poison Tongue Tales, but Rinehart from Beautiful Monster could fit this trope too. I swear I’m not writing the characters out of self-hatred (because I’m fat too) or because I’m secretly into fat-shaming (I’m not). You won’t even have to pick my brain in order to find out what I’m talking about. If you follow politics, you’ll notice that there are a lot of politicians and pundits out there who are universally hated and also happen to be on the pudgy side. Donald Trump, Newt Gingrich, Alex Jones, Chris Christie, and Rush Limbaugh are all shining examples of this. Villains by their very nature are to be hated, so what better way to hate someone than to compare them to a despicable political figure? I’m sure there are a lot of cartoonists out there who do the exact same thing.

***ANGRY CHARACTERS***

It seems as though every other piece of dialogue in my writing has an exclamation point, a swear word, or an insult attached to it. Plus, it doesn’t help matters that my characters are constantly beating the living shit out of each other. It would be easy to attribute this to my love for WWE since professional wrestlers are constantly cutting angry monologues against each other. Or maybe it’s because I too have a hair trigger temper at the little things in life. I scream like a barbarian whenever the phone rings. I go into swearing fits whenever Maggie shits on the floor or Smokey barfs on my bed. I once spit on my computer screen because my computer was slowing the fuck down and freezing all the time. Maybe there’s something about having schizophrenia that makes me irritable all the time. Maybe I just need a chair massage and a day at the spa.

***SAGGY JOWLED DOGS***

American Darkness and Poison Tongue Tales are where the saggy-jowled dogs live. My step-dad’s dog Maggie has a set of saggy jowls on her, so that’s where I get it from. She’s a mix between a Springer Spaniel and a Bassett Hound. She’s also sixteen years old as of today. She’s older than Herbert’s dog on Family Guy and gets around just as well. Maggie eventually became her own character in a Poison Tongue Tales story called Maggie’s Wisdom, where she played the role of a pilgrim trying to calm down a pissed off monk named Brock Dempsey. Well, what do you know? Another angry character! Wow! Spoiler alert: Brock finds his inner peace by scratching Maggie’s fuzzy belly.

***SENSITIVE CRY BABIES***

It doesn’t matter if the character is a muscle head barbarian or a gentle poet: chances are good they’ve shed a few tears in my stories. Crying actually became part of Windham Xavier’s character development in Beautiful Monster. He’s so afraid of appearing weak in front of his peers that he holds his tears in, forever conforming to male stereotypes that his girlfriend Tarja tries to shatter. But even before that, I’d have macho men crying all the time, most specifically Daniel Mercer from Demon Axe. Then again, Daniel was a heavy metal singer with years of pain behind him and PTSD from watching his band mates die, so he’s excused…I think? Maybe? I don’t know? In case you think this is a self-insert trope, I haven’t had a full-on crying spell since 2007, when I thought my only option for college was going to Evergreen in Olympia, where I would basically be a 24/7 student with no free time to myself. Haven’t cried since then. I did have sore eyes and a little bit of water trickling out whenever I watched old Never Ending Story videos on You Tube, but nothing that resulted in real crying.

***ASSHOLE PROTAGONISTS***

This one can be blamed on shades of gray logic where characters are supposed to have flaws, so I made one of their flaws asshole behavior. Big mistake. I had to edit Occupy Wrestling multiple times because the main character Mitch McLeod appeared too dickish for the heroic role. And now that I look back on Watch You Burn, the main character from there, Mario Bryan, is also a huge douche canoe, which probably makes readers wonder what Jessica Harley (Manic Pixie Dream Girl) sees in him anyways. There’ve been many debates among authors over what constitutes a good protagonist whether it’s flaws, snappy dialogue, average characterization, or whatnot. Some protagonists out there can be assholes without turning the reader off too much. I haven’t mastered that art yet, so maybe I’ll just stick to having friendly characters…who are pissed off all the time…and have saggy jowled dogs as pets…and are dating Manic Pixie Dream Girls….okay, that’s enough. Hehe!

***CONCLUSION***

It could be that I’ve left a few tropes out, but I’m sure they’ll pop up right after I post this blog entry online. They always do. I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Some people live their dreams. Some people close their eyes. Some people’s destiny passes by. There are no guarantees. There are no alibis. That’s how our love must be. Don’t ask why. It takes some time. God knows how long. I know that I can forget you as soon as my heart stops breaking, anticipating. As soon as forever is through, I’ll be over you. Remembering times gone by, promises we once made. What are the reasons why nothing stays the same? There were the nights holding you close. Someday I’ll try to forget them as soon as my heart stops breaking, anticipating. As soon as forever is through, I’ll be over you.”

-Toto singing “I’ll Be Over You”-

Moving On

***MOVING ON***

In all this time of doing blog entries about my distant past, you’re probably wondering why nothing serious comes up. The easy answer would be because talking about such horrible things makes my schizophrenia significantly worse, and that is god’s honest truth. But there’s more to it than just having a numbed out brain. The more important reason is because anytime something bad happens to me, all I want to do is move on with my life. I don’t want to take time to process it or talk it out, because that’s precious time lost that I could have spent doing creative work.

Time didn’t wait for me back then and it won’t wait for me now. High school didn’t slow down because I was in the early stages of schizophrenia. College didn’t wait for me to glue my broken heart back together. My writing career isn’t going to be put on hold because my brain doesn’t want to shut the fuck up. I don’t believe in taking mini-vacations just so I can mentally recover from something that should have been processed within seconds. Minor bad shit doesn’t feel like much to other people, but to a schizophrenic and autistic person like me, it feels like a hailstorm of bullets. I guess that makes me a special little snowflake, but I didn’t have a choice in the matter nor do I have it now.

Don’t get me wrong, nothing bad happened as of late; I’m merely speaking in general terms. Moving on with life without delay is something I cherish even if my mind or other people don’t agree. I don’t believe in slowing down for anything and that’s where I get my strong work ethic from. If my fingers are shooting out blood like a water pistol, I write anyways. If I don’t have hands at all, I’ll still find a way to write. If my brain wants to show me Clockwork Orange flashbacks of something that happened a few weeks ago, I’ll find a way to write. If I’m suffering from sleep apnea, I’ll give myself a quick head massage and slap myself in the face until I’m wide awake.

This is why I take lazy days so personally, because it’s a squandered opportunity to do something with my life, despite the fact that I had no say in the matter. If the lazy day is somebody else’s fault, then that’s extra hatred for that person, because that person stole precious creative time from me. That’s why I chose to beat the shit out of my bullies when I was in high school, to take back what I rightfully own.

But why am I so concerned about losing precious creative time considering I’m only 32 years old and have my whole life ahead of me? Because creativity is what gives me the most pleasure in this world. I look at a chapter of Silent Warrior or a fully published copy of Occupy Wrestling and I can proudly say to myself, “I made this!” The more time I spend away from my creative vices, the angrier I become.

For future reference, if something bad happens to me and I seem irritable, don’t ask me to talk about it and don’t overprotect me. Taking all of the time needed to process the emotions is time wasted. If I allow myself to take breaks from creative life to recover from psychological bullshit, then who’s to say that I won’t take them every single time? One break piles on top of the other and then it spirals out of control to where it’s been ages since my last creative project. For me personally, I see this as complacency and I can’t allow that to happen. If I tell you I want to move on from something, I want to move on as quickly as possible. If some guy says, “Idiot” to me under my breath, I don’t want to take more than a few seconds to process it. That’s the way brains should work. They should be tough and durable. But mine isn’t. It can be if I rush through processing it.

Thanks for reading this and understanding why I don’t talk about bad shit. The bad shit I do talk about is so far in the past that it doesn’t matter anymore. Either that, or I’m talking about it in a purely satirical and humorous way. My blog post a few weeks ago about The Thunder Eagles? That’s a funny memory to me, because I’m laughing at what a sore loser I used to be. Beating the shit out of other players because I lost? Come on, that’s self-depreciative comic gold! The heavier stuff will never make it onto my blog, because when people see that, they can’t stop talking to me about it, which results in overprotection, which results in spending too much time processing something and not enough time on creative work. I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you next time!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Hey, you. Out there in the cold, getting lonely, getting old, can you feel me? Hey, you. Standing in the aisle with itchy feet and fading smiles, can you feel me? Hey, you. Don’t help them to bury the light. Don’t give in without a fight. Hey, you. Out there all alone, sitting naked by the phone, would you touch me? Hey, you. With your ear against the wall, waiting for someone to call out, will you touch me? Hey, you. Will you help me to carry the stone? Open your heart. I’m coming home. But it was only fantasy. The wall was too high, as you can see. No matter how he tried, he could not break free. And the worms ate into his brain. Hey, you. Out there on the road, always doing what you’re told, can you help me? Hey, you. Out there beyond the wall, breaking bubbles in the hall, can you help me? Hey, you. Don’t tell me there’s no hope at all. Together we stand, divided we fall.”

-Pink Floyd singing “Hey You”-

Shipping Meme

***SHIPPING MEME***

During the past few days, I’ve been having conversations with my friends Zero Urrea and Marie Krepps about how much fun it is to link two things together with the letter X (a practice commonly found in Japanese anime). Would you go to a concert that was featured as Korn X Starset? You’re damn right you would! Would you ever play a videogame that featured the team of Super Mario X M. Bison? Sure, why not? And of course, the X link is used to signify collaboration between two romantic partners. Cloud X Tifa, Mario X Peach, and Squall X Rinoa are all mainstream examples of this. You could also mix and match between genres and canons…and genders. Would you ever read an erotic fan fiction that featured Tifa Lockhart X Stephanie McMahon? You bet your sweet ass!

Which brings me to something authors might have to deal with if their work becomes famous enough: shipping. If you write a novel that’s highly enjoyable, your readers are definitely going to want to tinker with various combinations of characters as romantic couples, for better or worse. You know who’s not okay with this? Anne Rice, who went to great legal lengths to make sure her fans don’t do that to her books. Some people are okay with this, others are not. More important is how you feel about your own fans doing this to your books. Me personally? I think it’d be flattering no matter what the combinations ended up being.

Unfortunately, I only have one edited and published novel to my name and it’s not even a full length book, so I don’t have a wide roster of characters to work with. Then again, if I include minor characters, this meme could actually be lots of fun. So here’s how this works: I’m going to make a list of Occupy Wrestling characters, use a number generator to randomly pick two of them from that list, and discuss how they’d work as a couple. I won’t use the same character twice and I’ll only generate five different couples. Are you ready? I know I am!

1. Debra Winter, Human Valet
2. Desilu McCourt, Amazonian Knight
3. Dovald, Superhuman Knight
4. Garra, Superhuman Knight
5. Hall Markata, Undead Necromancer
6. Jason Finnegan, Human Wrestler
7. Keegan Day, Human CEO
8. Mitch McLeod, Human Wrestler
9. Monzo Bleeder, Orc Wrestler
10. Nina Jordan, Human Cop
11. Riley Warpthroat, Skeleton Knight
12. Rosie Rogers, Human Referee
13. Snake of Jehovah, Skeleton Monk
14. Stephanie McMillan, Human Wrestler
15. Teiji Roughhouse, Rat Wrestler

FIRST COUPLE: Riley X Keegan

THOUGHTS: Keegan’s blatant bigotry aside, these two would be perfect for each other. They’re both hell-bent on dominating the wrestling scene. They’re both sadistic. They can intimidate the hell out of anyone. And lastly (and this is the most important part), they both look like they were just brought to life by a necromancer. Maybe when these two are in the bedroom, Keegan can use the Day Family Gem as a ball gag for Riley. Keegan does control his minions with that magical MacGuffin, after all.

SECOND COUPLE: Snake of Jehovah X Dovald

THOUGHTS: Another pair of viciously monstrous villains? Sure, why not? Though considering the fact that all Snakes of Jehovah look the same covered up with monk robes and snake masks, Dovald could end up accidentally cheating with another minion. But if that were to happen, how exactly would they initiate the cheating? Snakes of Jehovah are skeletal minions, with no sexual orifices or genitalia, so the closest Dovald could get to achieving sexual pleasure is to take the snake mask off and go through the eye sockets.

THIRD COUPLE: Jason X Stephanie

THOUGHTS: At least we’re back into normal territory since they’re both humans. Plus, they actually have things in common that they could bond over. They’re wrestlers. They’re despicable heels. They’re both championship material. Ship them, damn it! There’s just one curiosity I have: if Jason is a three hundred pounder who suffers a heart attack in the first chapter, even if he lived through it, would he be healthy enough for sexual activity? Would he have to be on bottom while Stephanie was on top? Would he fall asleep halfway through and lose his erection? So many burning questions.

FOURTH COUPLE: Hall X Nina

THOUGHTS: Spoiler alert: Hall ends up using his necromantic powers to raise Nina from the dead as an ash-covered zombie. I’m more curious about what you, the readers, didn’t get to see when all that happened. You think Hall is into that kinky shit? Does he forgo apps like Tinder and Grinder and just settle for a trip to the cemetery? Well, he doesn’t have to anymore if he’s got Nina as his minion. While Nina isn’t the most attractive woman in my book, there’s something sexy about a woman in uniform.

FINAL COUPLE: Desilu X Debra

THOUGHTS: If it wasn’t for the fact that Desilu tried to snap Debra’s spine in two with a camel clutch, this could actually be somewhat normal. Debra is a bisexual who appreciates both masculine and feminine features in both genders. Desilu is a big fucking Amazonian who knows how to wrestle (not just in the ring). Hell, she could probably do a better job of protecting her than Mitch ever could. That, and Desilu is happy to train Debra in wrestling herself since that’s all Miss Winter really wants: to be self-reliant. Of course, if Debra is that desperate for wrestling lessons, she might have to take a serious beating at the hand of Keegan’s minions. Oh wait, that already happened.

Okay, I must admit that I had fun doing this. Maybe I can do it again when I publish another novel. Hell, even my unpublished first drafts could use some love and war. What if I took Mario Bryan from Watch You Burn and paired him up with Daniel Mercer from Demon Axe? Or as the Japanese would say, Mario X Daniel. They’re both mentally ill, so they could help each other through their toughest episodes. Mario is schizophrenic and Daniel has PTSD. The two illnesses are similar to each other, but schizophrenia is a psychotic disorder and PTSD is an anxious disorder. This could actually work! But that’s a story for another day. I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you soon!

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Fifty Shades of Grey is to literature what candy corn is to vegetables.”

-Bill Maher-

Same Shit, Different Story

***SAME SHIT, DIFFERENT STORY***

In my last blog entry, I said something that I never thought I’d hear myself say in a million years: nothing ever grows in the comfort zone. For the longest time, I’ve been living in my own personal comfort zone and justified it by saying that leaving would end up being another bad decision. Well, you know what happens when you start coasting with your writing? You adopt the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” mentality. While that philosophy may seem like a good idea on paper, you get in the habit of using the same formulas over and over again. As a result, every short story, novel, and poem will blend together like masked children from a Pink Floyd music video. I know this because…it happened to me.

If you follow me on Face Book, you would have seen me post status updates about how some of my American Darkness 3 characters have the same first name. I’ve had multiple characters named Matt, Tony, Vikki, Daniel, and Marcus. I have since changed these names and updated the changes to my Deviant Art account. For example, Matt Ramirez from “Escape From Kentucky” is now known as Marvin Ramirez. My niece Reina kept joking about how the name Matt wasn’t reflective of a half-black, half-Mexican character. She’s not wrong. Marvin Ramirez actually sounds like it could fit the bill. Plus, there’s one less guy in my stories named Matt.

If you’re still paying attention to the shit that I say on Face Book, you would have also seen a post about how my American Darkness 3 stories have similar themes and plots among each other. I’ll give you one example of that. After looking over all sixteen stories I’ve written so far (and that doesn’t include the synopses I wrote for future stories), three of those stories are about home invasions: Dark Skills, Crow Cop, and Duct Tape Princess. One home invasion story would have been just fine. But then I also have two different stories about domestic violence: Brandi and Belts & Welts. And then I have three different stories about the media: Disneylodeon, Defamation, and Age Against the Machine. Marie Krepps likes to joke with me about how all of the dogs in Poison Tongue Tales have saggy jowls. What’s going on in American Darkness 3 is a lot more serious.

And you know what else? It’s not just American Darkness 3 that suffers from this sameness. Both installments of Poison Tongue Tales follow the same basic formula of two people trying to beat the shit out of each other (not unlike a WWE wrestling match). Confessions of a Schizophrenic Savage, Necrograph, and what will soon be Lunatic Justice are all dominated by songs and poems about anger and angst. While there are hard rock and heavy metal bands that thrive on this formula, I’ll bet you anything their entire catalogue of songs doesn’t have the kind of frequency that’s found in my own poetry. Don’t get me started about Occupy Wrestling and all the other novel ideas I have fleshed out; they’re just Poison Tongue Tales stories with a higher word count.

Something has to change in my writing. I don’t know exactly what that could be, because as much as I hate to admit it, I do have limited experience when it comes to the world. I’ve never had a paying job, never been in love, never had a serious social circle outside of the internet, didn’t receive my first kiss until 2014, never had sex, and have only been around the world a handful of times. When I was a kid, my creative fuel came in the form of violent entertainment whether it was videogames, wrestling, or martial arts movies. Sure, I’ve seen plenty of other genres like romance, but without having a realistic picture of what true love is like, I can’t be an authority on the subject in my writing.

Having said everything that needs to be said, I’ve come to a decision regarding American Darkness 3. As of today, January 7^th, 2018, American Darkness 3 has been suspended indefinitely, which means I’ll have to find something else to do not only for the WSS, but also for my creative life as a whole. Pretty much all of my developed synopses for novel ideas fall under the category of ass beatings and unexplained magic, not unlike Poison Tongue Tales and its sequel.

Meanwhile, I have nine different novel synopses that could be considered modern day drama. While these ideas do have their fair share of violence, the violent confrontations don’t saturate the entire story to where every chapter sounds the same. Would you like me to list them off? Sure, why not?

1. Chicken and Fries (working as a concessions clerk in an arena full of abusive customers (could be considered Clerks-Lite by critics))
2. The Has-Been Society (going to a school that slashed its art classes budget and continues to promote conformity)
3. I Won’t Forgive You (getting revenge on an abusive father who now lives with a new family)
4. Is This Weird? (romance with a man who has three different weird fetishes: duct tape, feet, and diapers)
5. Memento Mori (pissing off an entire conservative town with offensive standup comedy)
6. Never Conform (refusing to obey prison guards and getting tortured for it)
7. Silent Warrior (navigating a tough high school as a traumatized introvert)
8. Suck It, Double Dork (scaring children for life with perverted drawings of cartoon characters getting raped)
9. Tender Loving Intensive Care (putting a sexually harassing ex-girlfriend in the ICU as a form of healing)

If these nine stories are the keys to the next kingdom, I have to figure out which one will open the lock to new horizons. Or maybe I could ask you guys, my lovely audience, for feedback as to which of these stories sounds the most interesting to you. There’s nothing wrong with a little artistic democracy every now and then. What do you guys think? I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you soon!

***JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What nickname did Snoopy’s bird friend earn when he waited outside Peppermint Patty’s house for hours with a pair of binoculars?

A: Would Stalk.

50/50 Booking

***50/50 BOOKING***

When you see the title of this blog entry, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Man, this guy can’t shut up about wrestling!” What can I say? We all have our obsessions. But it’s true: 50/50 booking is a wrestling buzzword. However, it can apply to any piece of fiction regardless of genre. 50/50 booking is when the hero and the villain have an equal number of victories against each other. In terms of wrestling, it makes the entire roster equal to each other and nobody becomes wildly popular. However, in mainstream fiction, it could mean something entirely different.

Most of the time, we’re resigned to the idea that the hero will win in the end and get his just rewards. So if you’re doing 50/50 booking in your novel, then you’re just telegraphing the hero’s victory. What’s one more victory going to mean? It’s even worse when the hero wins all the time and rarely loses, which is why a lot of readers prefer their heroes to be average joes instead of muscle-bound ass-kickers. How do you relate to someone with a constant string of victories?

To use an example from my own novella Occupy Wrestling, Mitch McLeod could technically be accused of having a Gary-Stu win-loss record. While he wins most of his fights, there are other ways in which he’s losing. His relationship with Debra Winter is falling apart, he can’t trust a neutral referee like Rosie Rogers, his allies are getting mauled left and right, he’s no closer to solving the mystery of where these monsters are coming from, and most importantly, his body is breaking down with every “victory”, if you can call them that. Does winning in one department and losing in several others constitute 50/50 booking? You be the judge. Buy a copy of Occupy Wrestling on Amazon today! Okay, that was pretty shameless, I agree.

But then you have scenarios where the villain racks up most of the victories and makes justice for the hero seem impossible. By doing this, you’re definitely giving your hero an obstacle worthy of conquering. But if the villain wins too often, then nobody’s going to believe it when the hero finally achieves victory. The villain could beat the shit out of the hero for an hour and a half, but are you going to believe it if the hero suddenly wins with a knife to the back?

Truth be told, there is no right or wrong answer to the 50/50 debate when it comes to normal fiction as long as the ultimate decision you make is believable and relatable to your audience. If there is a right or wrong answer, I’d love to hear what it is. Obviously, the answer is going to be different depending on who the hero is. Is the hero an average joe or a beefy warrior? Or maybe he’s somewhere in between those two extremes. Maybe while everyone around him has magical powers, he’s just a barroom brawler who’s only fought a handful of times. I’d love to hear your guys’ philosophies on 50/50 booking and how it relates to your personal stories. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

***POISON TONGUE TALES 2: THE RIGHT TO REMAIN PSYCHOTIC***

I’m only one story away from this collection being complete and ready to critique. After “Street Sleeper”, I’m moving onto another novel called “Puberty X Piracy” (whether or not I post those chapters online is up to the admins and their views on extreme sexual content). Until then, here’s the synopsis for Poison Tongue Tales 2’s final story:

CHARACTERS:

1. Johnny De Morgan, Human Busker
2. Link Rotunda, Orc Warrior
3. Debra Lynch, Elf Rogue

PROMPT CONFORMITY: To be announced.

SYNOPSIS: On a snowy winter evening, homeless street musician Johnny is freezing and exhausted as he tries to play songs for cash on his acoustic guitar. His guitar case is shallow with money and his enthusiasm for music is dwindling fast. Link Rotunda, a prizefighter, has just won a massive amount of money during a championship match, so Johnny desperately tries to cater to him with his music. Link laughs at and bullies Johnny while telling him to “get a real job”, much to the anger of fellow homeless beggar Debra Lynch. Link is much bigger and stronger than both of them, but Debra won’t allow Johnny to be pushed around. Johnny still tries to beg for money seeing as how he feels it’s his only real chance at getting a hot meal and a bed that evening.

FUN FACT: Link Rotunda will be the next Dark Fantasy Warrior that I draw. He used to be a Dungeons & Dragons non-player character, but now he’s a short story character who will bring the PTT2 series home.

***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

VIC MACKEY: Ronnie and I are going to have fed badges, you and queen bitch will be serving double life sentences, and I’ll have full custody of Jackson.

SHANE VENDRELL: You leave my family out of this!

VIC MACKEY: I’ll send you a post card from Space Mountain.

-The Shield-

The Brown Ranger

***THE BROWN RANGER***

When I was a kid growing up in the early 90’s, I watched a lot of Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. There was something about martial arts-loving high school students in colorful spandex suits and motorcycle helmets that made me believe in delicious violence. My favorite Power Ranger was always Tommy Oliver a.k.a. the Green/White Ranger. I don’t know what it was about him that I liked so much, but he was my favorite as well as my brother’s favorite. Maybe I kept having sympathy for him when Rita Repulsa kept trying to take his powers away. Maybe I wanted him to shack up with Kimberly a.k.a. the Pink Ranger. No matter what appealed to me about the show in general, I never forget my creative roots. Hip-hop music helped shape my poetry and Power Rangers helped shape my love for violent stories.

I’ve tried on two different occasions to bring the Power Rangers back into my life through the power of writing. I had to tread carefully both times because I could potentially be sued if I published these stories as my own (despite acknowledging that the Power Rangers are someone else’s property). The first attempt was a black comedy short story called “Kill the Power Rangers”, where a little fan girl named Wendi Kael was doing badly in school and would only do her homework at her stepfather’s threat of “killing the Power Rangers”. When Wendi tried to call his bluff, she found corpses all over the house dressed up in Power Rangers outfits, most notably the Blue Ranger with a garden hoe up his ass (get it? Because the actor is gay? Hee-hee-ho-ho…ugh). While the synopsis of this story made a lot of people laugh, I eventually had to abandon it due to too many plot holes and a painfully obvious Deus Ex Machina ending.

And then we have the second attempt at a Power Rangers homage with a novel idea called “The Brown Ranger”. Mind you, this never actually became a novel and the synopsis is no longer in my archives, so I’m flying blind here. The premise was that Rita Repulsa’s new monsters were too powerful for the original rainbow-colored rangers, so Zordon has to recruit a Bad Santa-esque loser named Shawn Hamlet to be his Brown Ranger. Shawn, who is an avid beer drinker and pot smoker, believes that Zordon is high on drugs himself if he thinks Shawn would make a good Power Ranger, let alone one whose uniform is the same color as shit. It takes a while for Shawn to accept his responsibility as earth’s guardian, but he eventually makes the most of his brown uniform by yelling, “Eat shit, motherfuckers!” as he charges into battle. I guess this too could be considered black comedy considering the main character’s penchant for swearing and drugs, both behaviors completely opposite of what normal Power Rangers preach.

So the question now is, what should I do with these two ideas? One was scrapped, the other never happened. If I had a chance to do them over again, I would. If I knew of a legal loophole that allowed me to use the Power Rangers name, I would exploit it. You could say that I could just publish these stories as fan fiction, but that’s not enough for me. I want them to be official works of mine and not just stories that are at the mercy of the legal system. I suppose I could use parody names, but where’s the authenticity in that? Author problems, ladies and gentlemen. Author problems.

But wait a minute…does the Brown Ranger actually have to be a Power Ranger? Can he instead be a D&D-style ranger who wears all brown and uses shit-themed insults on his opponents? Imagine littering in the forest and having to deal with Shawn Hamlet sticking a knife in your throat. If Carl Hiaasen wrote fantasy novels, this is how it would play out for sure. Maybe it’ll have more creative methods of violence than a knife threat, but you get the idea.

And now that I think about it, parodies aren’t so bad when applied correctly. If I wanted to keep the theme of Hiaasen-esque environmental terrorism, I could call them The Flower Rangers. They could dress up in hippie-themed spandex and save the world from oil tycoons who want to build pipelines in the most inappropriate places. Maybe the Flower Rangers (or the Brown Ranger in particular) could have been perfect foils to the jerk-offs who tried to build a pipeline through Native American burial grounds in North Dakota. So many ideas. So many goddamn ideas. I can actually feel my brain wake up after such a long time in exhaustive mode. Hehe!

But why should I have all of the fun? The question of the day, to you the audience, is how would you book The Brown Ranger? Yes, I know I just used a wrestling term (book), but you know what I mean…hopefully. How would The Brown Ranger play a pivotal role in whatever novel you were writing? Is he an environmental terrorist? Is he an army ranger? Is he a role model for small children? Is he sewer dwelling warrior? If you’ve got an idea you’d like to throw in the mix, feel free to let us hear it. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTESTS AND COMPANY***

The new contest started yesterday and the theme this week will be “Round Table”. Any medieval literature fans out there will know where a lot of authors at the WSS will take this prompt. For me personally? I’m doing something a little more autobiographical. In the style of the Awkward Behavior posts in my Garrison’s Library blog, this story will be called “Weirdo Alert” and it goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

1.      Denny Smith, Bodily Functions Gimmick

2.      Louise Bradbury, Barista

PROMPT CONFORMITY: The tables at the coffee bar are round.

SYNOPSIS: Louise is working at a coffee bar at the mall when Denny sits down at one of her tables with a gigantic bucket of ice cream. As Denny eats the ice cream and slops it on himself, he also draws attention by blowing his nose loudly, gagging on his snot, and farting horrible stenches. Louise has to do something before all of her customers walk out on her.

OOC: I sure have a lot of American Darkness 2 characters with “Brad” in their last names. Actually, the only other two characters like that are Beth Bradshaw (D&D cleric from Emoticon Artist) and Eric Bradley (schizophrenic millennial from Cold and Scared).

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

In the wake of Marie Krepps creating a new book cover for and advertising the hell out of Occupy Wrestling (to which I give my never-ending thanks), my next Dark Fantasy Warrior will be one of Keegan’s monsters. He’s a scythe-wielding, psychopathic skeleton named Riley Warpthroat. Marie used to jokingly call him “Really Deepthroat”, but make no mistake about it, this monster is one of Mitch McLeod’s toughest opponents, especially during a time in the story where the World Champ is being worn down from all of these battles.

***FACE BOOK POST OF THE DAY***

(I think I just found the perfect intro for a song in Necrograph called “Why Are You Laughing at Me?”)

SMALL BOY: That Lacey Sturm is so pretty! When I grow up, I’m going to marry her!

CROWD: Hahahahahahaha!

SMALL BOY: W…why are you laughing at me?

CROWD: Hahahahahahahaha!

SMALL BOY: (sniff)…(sniff)…Why?

ACTUAL SONG CHORUS: Tell me why! Why are you laughing at me?! / Tell me who! Who should I try to be?! / Tell me what! What the fuck is your deal?! / Tell me how! How should I fucking feel?!

Spoilers

***SPOILERS***

Whenever I write a review online, I always make sure not to add spoilers. The most my readers will get out of me in that department is in the opening paragraph, where a give a brief synopsis of what the book or movie was about (in my own words). The three body paragraphs after that will highlight things I liked or disliked about the book or movie, depending on what grade I give it. The final paragraph is a sales pitch-style conclusion that brings it all home. I don’t know the exact year when I started using this formula regularly, but it was after I joined the WSS (they’ve definitely had an influence on my writing in many ways).

I’ve never liked spoilers whether I’m the one doing the reviewing or reading someone else’s opinion. It’s for the same reason that Christmas and birthdays are special to me: the element of surprise. If you know exactly what to expect ahead of time, what’s the point? Isn’t that why we watch movies and read books in the first place: to find out what happens? If we wanted to take in media at an analytical level, we could still do that and be surprised by what we see or read.

In fact, the element of surprise could determine whether a piece of art gets a good or bad grade. We all know that for the most part, the good guys will win in the end. It’s not a matter of if or when they win, it’s how. These insurmountable odds are so stacked against the heroes that we the audience couldn’t possibly guess how they’ll succeed. But when we find out at the story’s end, we’re pleasantly surprised and our curiosities are satisfied. To my way of thinking, a story’s ability to surprise me is paramount to a passing or extra credit grade. Sometimes the surprise means that the good guys lose and I’m okay with that as long as it paints a realistic picture in the process.

When I write a review, my goal is to get you, the audience, to buy whatever it is I’m selling. Even if the review is negative, you’ll still get curious about the things I’ve said about the product and will want to see them for yourself. I always try to maintain a positive attitude when I’m reviewing something, though. I’m not one of these critics who bash everything in sight while claiming to be a smart-ass or a funny guy.

When I watch a movie or read a book, I usually expect that it will be a fun or at least good experience, which is why most of my reviews amount to a passing grade. If I can relate to the story on a deeper level or if the story changed my life in any way, I will give it a full five stars, or an extra credit review. Mixed grades (three stars) will go to mediums that have noticeable problems, but are still likeable and redeemable. Failing grades (two stars) will go to mediums I absolutely hated. One star reviews are reserved for movies or books that I didn’t finish because they were so god awful, Fifty Shades Darker being a big example.

Even when I’m forced to negatively review a product, I try to be as fair and as sensitive as possible. It was a year ago where I gave a Paul McAvoy book two stars since he needed commercial attention. Instead of bashing the shit out of him and being a dick about it, I merely pointed out the flaws that needed fixing and tried to give him the encouragement to face the music someday. I haven’t spoken to Mr. McAvoy since that day, but I hope he’s not feeling too down about himself. I hope he corrects his mistakes and becomes a better author, one that can taste success at the drop of a hat.

It’s for this reason that I bear no ill will towards the two women that each gave me a two-star rating for Occupy Wrestling. They were just doing their jobs of being honest reviewers. They motivated me to reenlist the services of Marie Krepps and get Occupy Wrestling in top-top condition once again, this time focusing my efforts on showing instead of telling and making Mitch McLeod a respectable character. Andy Peloquin, the author of The Hunter series, once said that negative reviews are important because they hold authors accountable. I was held accountable by those two women and I hope I’ve improved since then.

But no matter who’s being reviewed or who’s doing the reviewing, you can bet your ass that we the audience want to be surprised by what we see. You’ll never see me post spoilers no matter how nicely you ask or how many times you nag me. The only people I gave spoilers to were my professors in college, because they were necessary to my essays and they’ve obviously already seen the movies or read the books, so they didn’t need a sales pitch.

If you’re an author in need of an honest review and you don’t want me to spoil your plot, you can contact me via Deviant Art, Good Reads, Face Book, or Blogger. I also have rvd77@hotmail.com as my main email address if you want to get in touch that way. I will tell you, though, that I currently have a lot of projects on my plate whether it’s reading, writing, or editing. If you want to enlist my services, it may be a slow process, but I’ll get it done. I may even try to meet your deadlines, but real life and mental recovery can get in the way of even the tightest time limits.

When it comes to my own self-published books, the same should be true: please don’t leave spoilers unless you’re planning to warn your readers ahead of time. Yes, I know I blast my novel chapters, short stories, and poetry all over social media on a regular basis, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want people to be surprised when they purchase one of my books. If anything, those social media blasts are just small bait to catch bigger fish. Immortal Technique, an independently-published hip-hop artist, knows all about catching the biggest fish. He may not be wealthy enough to qualify as a one-percenter, but people know who the hell he is and that’s what’s important.

These are the books I currently have on the market to be sold at Amazon, Smash Words, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, and other book outlets:

• American Darkness (contemporary short story collection)
• Confessions of a Schizophrenic Savage (dark poetry collection)
• Necrograph (another dark poetry collection)
• Occupy Wrestling (urban fantasy novella)

My next publication will eventually be a collection of sci-fi, fantasy, and horror short stories called Poison Tongue Tales. Getting it out there is a slow process, but it’s moving along nonetheless. In the end, it doesn’t matter how slow you go as long as you don’t stop. I saw that quote on my Soundscapes music channel and thought it fit perfectly with this topic.

Who’s ready to do some business? We’ve got ears, say cheers!

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

With Bradshaw and The Lord of the Pit in the books, it’s time for a new character and that will be Hall Markata, a skeleton necromancer from Occupy Wrestling. Hall was originally a playable character in a Final Fantasy videogame idea I had, but that idea was eventually scrapped due to piss-poor writing and not enough time to finish it in. He has since been resurrected as one of Keegan Day’s monstrous minions and provides a formidable challenge to the ultra-tough Mitch McLeod. You’re damn right Hall Markata deserves his own drawing.

***DEMON AXE, CHAPTER 7***

Daniel Mercer and Raven Triscloud return to the scene of Roger Zee’s first act of terrorism: the outdoor arena for what would be Demon Axe’s final concert. Daniel already has a shit-load of trauma fucking up his mind, so returning to his biggest trigger will quite possibly drive him insane. Raven tries to calm him down by explaining that within these “holy grounds”, there’s a portal that leads to the elven world, where King Arthur Triscloud will give Daniel the courage he needs to move on and even hopefully one day defeat Roger Zee in battle.

***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTESTS AND COMPANY***

The most recent contest, where the theme is “Prison Break”, started last Wednesday, but I couldn’t get started on my entry because of prior commitments, including the Five Finger Death Punch X Shinedown concert this past Saturday. The concert was fucking awesome, but just like with any one-day vacation, I need to spend some time in recovery mode. The WSS contest will continue for two more days and I’m hoping to get something posted tomorrow night before WWE Raw comes on TV. That story will be called “Screw the Zoo” and it goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

Dijas Kai, Lion Samurai

Sarah Tonin, Human Staff Fighter

PROMPT CONFORMITY: The zoo doubles as Sarah’s prison.

SYNOPSIS: Dijas visits the Dread City Zoo on a mission to free other lions from captivity. His heart drops when he sees that Sarah Tonin, a mentally ill “freak”, is one of the attractions in a cage. Dijas becomes angry when the patrons of the zoo start throwing peanuts and laughing at her. The lion samurai deviates from his mission and makes Sarah his priority. Once she’s freed, the two of them go on a slaughter rampage against the zoo customers. When the zookeepers break out their tranquilizer guns, the two warriors know it’s time to run.

***DOMESTIC DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

ME: You stupid fucking son of a bitch! Get moving, asshole!

SHELDON: What’s he yelling at?

JAMES, REINA, & SHARA (IN UNISON): His computer.

Demon Axe

***DEMON AXE***

I see all of my writer friends publishing novels left and right and it makes me wonder what I’m doing sitting on my ass. The last time I wrote a novel, summer in 2015 was coming to an end and the story was a psychological fantasy called “Watch You Burn”. Ever since then, it remained a first draft and I had devoted my attention to other projects, such as the WSS contests, editing the shit out of “Occupy Wrestling”, and editing the shit out of “Poison Tongue Tales”. And then I had real life obstacles getting in the way such as sleep apnea, concerts, and exhausting housework. Wherever could I find the time to write a novel these days? Do I truly have to wait until November a.k.a. NaNoWriMo?

The correct answer is not only no, but hell no. I used to pump out novels like an assembly line back in my younger years. They were shitty novels, but they were novels nonetheless. So what pray tell is keeping me from writing a novel in today’s world? Absolutely nothing. Those other creative projects can be done side-by-side with my novel and it wouldn’t affect my energy levels. It’s been a full year since “Watch You Burn” and now it’s time to get some shit done.

In the same way that “Occupy Wrestling” lionizes pro-wrestling and “Watch You Burn” supports people with mental illnesses, this new novel idea, “Demon Axe”, will lionize heavy metal. When you get right down to it, those are the three tropes I live with the most: wrestling, metal, and schizophrenia. Such a wonderful combination! So here it is, ladies and gentlemen: a character list and synopsis for what will be called “Demon Axe”:

MAIN CHARACTERS:

Daniel Mercer, Heavy Metal Singer

Shawn Henry, Police Detective

Raven Triscloud, Elf Warrior

King Triscloud, Elf Leader

Roger Zee, Elf Zealot

Johnny Vega, Giant Wrestler

Sonia Marquez, MMA Fighter

SYNOPSIS: Daniel and his band Demon Axe play a show on an open field that is believed to be holy ground for elves. Not believing the legends, the band goes ahead with the show anyways and encourages the wrath of Roger Zee, a machete-wielding elf who slashes the audience members to pieces. While Shawn Henry tries to investigate, Daniel is visited in the late hours of the night by Raven. Raven wants his help in hunting down Roger and putting him back in his tomb. Daniel confesses that the band name Demon Axe and their onstage dark fantasy gimmicks are just for show and he’s not a real warrior. Raven doesn’t believe him.

If you’ve seen the name Raven Triscloud before, it’s because she was a character in a D&D campaign back in 2010. I’ve asked Heather (the original owner of that character) if it was okay to use her in a story and she said yes. I tried to recycle her into a dark fantasy novel called “Fireball Nightmare”, but that story was too Gary-Stu and Mary-Sue infested. Hopefully, Demon Axe will be a better fit for her.

Spoiler alert: there’s going to be a sex scene in this novel. Not just any sex scene, but an ANGRY sex scene. I’ve often wondered if people really do have angry sex with each other. It seemed legitimate after I went to a Three Days Grace concert and Matt Walst asked the audience pointblank, “Have you ever fucked somebody you hate?!” The audience erupted into cheers after that, so I guess angry sex is a real thing.

I have two other novel ideas that are planned out from beginning to end: a debt collection drama called “Debt of Pain” (naturally) and an animal fantasy called “LuNacho” (named after two stray cats who eventually went to the Humane Society named Luna and Nacho). Demon Axe appeals to me the most right now, but that doesn’t mean I’m casting those other two ideas aside so easily.

Because I want Demon Axe to be a full-fledged novel and not a shortie like “Occupy Wrestling” ended up being, it will have to conform to the 40,000 word quota. That means all twenty chapters of this novel will have to be at least 2,000 words long, which is 500 more than what I’m used to writing with chapters and short stories alike. It’s going to be a challenge, but I know full well that if I keep writing within my comfort zone, I’m never going to get anywhere.

Wish me luck, faithful readers. Keep your devil horns up in the air for my boys Demon Axe!

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Dovald ended up scaring the shit out of my mother when I showed my drawing of him to her. If she thought a bulky dark paladin with creepy face paint was something to behold, she’s never met Tara Greenlee. Tara is a demonic hallucination from the short story “Dancing with Mary Jane” who torments two corrupt cops to the point of insanity. Tara Greenlee is basically Guillermo Batista from “The Balrog” on steroids. Watch out for this bloodthirsty monster!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“You can’t see California without Marlon Brando’s eyes!”

-Slipknot singing “Eyeless”-

Robotic Junkyard

***ROBOTIC JUNKYARD***

Just like with the Necrocosm, the Robotic Junkyard will be another opportunity for creative fuel, whether you’re a writer yourself or an artist of another genre. Really, this blog entry is just an excuse to give you updates on my life, but as long as I’m flapping my gums, I might as well give you a prompt suggestion. You could write a whole novel or short story around it. You could paint a picture of it. You could completely ignore it. No matter what you choose, I’m keeping the buffet table of creative food for thought open all night. You can come back for seconds, thirds, and maybe even the dessert version of food for thought.

The idea of a robotic junkyard isn’t new, but it’s also something I’ve only seen one time and I’d like to see it more often. In other words, it’s highly underrated for all of the potential it could have. I think it was Mega Man 7 for the Super Nintendo that had a boss enemy called Junk Man. His stage was the robotic junkyard and the gimmick was basically throwing mechanical parts at Mega Man until he was junk himself. Morph Moth from Mega Man X2 might have also had a robotic junkyard for a stage, but I’m not one-hundred percent sure.

Either way, getting mechanical robot parts thrown at you doesn’t feel very good, or so I’m told. Imagine getting clocked upside the head by a flying hubcap. Maybe a flying saw blade would be worse. Maybe a broken down machine will come to life and beat your ass into nuts and bolts. And this is just the overhead level. Once you get underground, then the metal parts will really start to fly. I could have just as easily said, “The shit really starts to hit the fan,” because that would be just as accurate.

I experimented with these ideas back in 2011 when I wrote a novelette called “Thunder Ballz”. Yes, you read that correctly. I have nothing to gain by lying to you about that. It was a hybrid of Dragon Ball Z and Mega Man X written by a member of Generation Y. I just used X, Y, and Z in the same sentence. High five! Anyways, this novelette read more like a game of Mega Man X with the number of different places the characters went to and how they defeated their chief enemies in short order. One of the places was a robotic junkyard and the boss battle ended when the upper level of junk came crashing down on the villain. Ouch! That’s a lot of goddamn metal! More metal than the Pain in the Grass concert I’m going to later this month!

Obviously, Thunder Ballz never went anywhere even when all eleven chapters were written. But really, how could you expect it to when the whole objective of the story was to find lizard testicles. Again, I’m not profiting in any way by telling you this. In fact, I’m making my younger self sound like a total toolbox. Hehe! What this means is that the robotic junkyard idea is still up for grabs if I want to recycle it into another story. Heh, I said “recycle” in a conversation about junkyards.

If I was hosting a D&D campaign with a metallic scrapheap as the villain’s main base of operations, there are a few questions I need to answer for myself before starting the game. One, who in their right mind would want to live in a dingy place like a junkyard, and two, why are robotic limbs in the same universe as a fantasy role-playing game? While living in a pigsty isn’t always ideal to us semi-civilized humans, it would be for a tribe of orcs, ogres, or goblins. To answer the second question, if Magic: the Gathering can get away with using futuristic technology, so can D&D. They are, after all, distant cousins of one another since they were invented by Wizards of the Coast.

So you have the dirtiest and most classless races of monsters living in this scrapheap. Now what? What could possibly drive a wandering group of adventurers into this suicide mission? If they’re looking for priceless artifacts, they’d have just as much luck as a hobo diving in a dumpster: none. If a bounty head is hiding out here, that would be a little more realistic. He has protection from the disgusting creatures and, let’s face it, nobody would ever think to look in a place like this because nobody would want to hold their nose for that long. My mother, bless her soul, doesn’t even like being around wild rats. Adventurers like being around smell places even less. When you think about wanderlust and magical battles, a robotic junkyard isn’t the first thing that comes to mind.

But what kind of clues would you, the DM slash author, have to leave behind for someone to even consider digging through a place like this? New shipments? Bills? Noises? Activity? Or maybe one of the protective villains gets unlucky and can’t shake the adventurers off his tail, so he unknowingly leads them into the junkyard. Then again, maybe finding this hellhole of metallic crap isn’t such a good thing after all. You’ve still got swinging motors and flying anvils to duck and dodge. Don’t worry about getting a concussion, because you won’t be alive long enough to experience it!

So how about it, my creative brothers and sisters? Do you have any heroes who are crazy and/or stupid enough to want to go on a suicide mission in a metal scrapheap? Actually, it’s not considered good form to have stupid people for main heroes, unless you’re filming Forrest Gump. If your heroes are going to poke around a dangerous and filthy place, they’d better have a damn good reason. A dead body, a live body with a criminal past, or even an accidentally placed valuable artifact (which would be rare) would tickle the senses of even the most conservative adventurers. If you must adventure in the junkyard, the least you could do is take a gas mask with you. Breathing through your mouth doesn’t actually do anything to sooth the bad smell; that’s just a myth.

***SLIPKNOT X MARILYN MANSON CONCERT***

If you’ve already heard me talk about this on Face Book, feel free to ignore this section and move onto the next. But it’s true, people: last night I went to see Slipknot and Marilyn Manson at the White River Amphitheater in Auburn and they tore the motherfucking house down. They were heavy, they were creative, they were scary as hell, and they were fun to watch. While Slipknot was playing “Killpop”, I sang along with them in the most aggressive and passionate voice I could muster up. Apparently, this was enough for a guy to fist-bump me and for a sexy lady in a dress and a cowgirl hat to kiss the back of my hand. In the foolishly-written words of Anastasia Steele from “Fifty Shades of Grey”, my face was the color of the Communist Manifesto after that kiss. All in all, it was a fun-filled, magical night. On Sunday August 21^st, I get to do this all again at the annual Pain in the Grass festival headlined by Disturbed.

***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTESTS AND COMPANY***

Despite the energy I’ve spent over the past few days, I’m definitely competing in this week’s “Celestial” contest. I wouldn’t want to pass up an opportunity to write “Hardcore Hogan”, which goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

Garrison Kelly, Captured Earthling

Hardcore Hogan, Garrison’s Alter Ego

Kasabian, Alien Lord

Random Squid-Faced Alien Warriors

PROMPT CONFORMITY: Kasabian’s ship is flying through the celestial bodies.

SYNOPSIS: Garrison wakes up one day and finds himself in an alien ship’s prison cell. He has no idea what he’s doing there, but when he tries to shake the bars and complain, he gets electrocuted by the guards. Just when he is about to give in, he finds the Hall of Fame ring of his favorite professional wrestler Hardcore Hogan in the corner of the cell. When Garrison puts the ring on, he transforms into the muscular wrestler and puts a beating on the aliens after ripping the bars off the cell door. Kasabian serves as his final enemy and the only person who could possibly explain why Garrison/Hogan is on this ship to begin with.

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Looks like I’ve got another Occupy Wrestling villain on my plate and his name is Dovald. He used to have a last name, but I can’t remember what it was and Marie and I both agreed that he shouldn’t have one. Lots of WWE wrestlers only have one name like Kane, Konnor, Viktor, and Kalisto just to name a few. Dovald’s gimmick is that of a dark paladin with thick metal armor and a big fucking flail. The worst part about him? He has a tag team partner named Garra who’s every bit as brutal and badass. Of course, when the time comes to draw Garra, he won’t look anything like Dovald. They may be twins in Occupy Wrestling, but they don’t have to be twins in my drawing gallery.

***POLITICAL QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“It’s not a war on drugs; it’s a war on personal freedom. Keep that in mind at all times. Thank you and have a nice day.”

-Bill Hicks-

***POST-SCRIPT***

Hey, that could be another reason why someone would want to go to a robotic junkyard: drugs! There could be a meth lab on the underground floor! A perfect place for filthy and freaky people to hide out!

Necrocosm

***NECROCOSM***

This will be the first of many journal entries where I come up with an idea for a setting and hopefully a short story, D&D campaign, or novel will snowball from there. What are we kicking off with? The Necrocosm, of course. People who read my poetry will remember a heavy metal song called Necrocosm which basically described the audience at WWE Fast Lane 2015. Even though there was excitement and action going on in the ring, the Tennessee audience acted bored out of their minds. Therefore, they’re living in a necrocosm, or a death world (because they’re a dead audience). It seemed like an apt description to me.

The suffix “cosm” in the Greek language means “world”. I know this because I used to spend my time surfing You Tube for Clerks videos and in one of them, Randal says to Dante, “This is a life of convenience for you and any attempt to change it would shatter the pathetic microcosm you’ve fashioned for yourself.” I looked up the word microcosm on dictionary.com and it was defined as a “little world”, micro meaning “little” and cosm meaning “world”.

So then I thought, what other Greek prefixes could we pair up with the suffix cosm? I’ve done this exercise plenty of times with the suffix “mancer” and thus we have short stories like The Aeromancer (wind wizard), The Hydromancer (water wizard), and The Cryomancer (ice wizard). Let’s see what we can do with the word “cosm”. A pyrocosm would be a world of fire and can actually be an alternative word for the sun. A cryocosm would be a world of ice and that’s basically what Pluto is. A thermocosm would be a world of heat and Mercury would qualify since it’s the closest planet to the sun.

So what could we do with a necrocosm, or a world of death? Lots of things, actually. Some would say the earth in the year 2016 would qualify as a necrocosm since a lot of mass shootings and celebrity deaths took place. Some would say heaven and hell are necrocosms since according to Christianity, that’s where dead people go. Maybe the word necrocosm could apply to graveyards, funeral homes, and morgues.

Those are all valid interpretations, but what if I took it a step further? What if there was a planet in our solar system governed by an alien race of zombies? It doesn’t even have to be a structured government. It could be anarchy with zombies rising from the dirt to feast on trespassers. Maybe it could be an autocracy with an evil necromancer governing everything so that one day he can use his minions to conquer other worlds. Maybe it’s just one big farm where souls of the dead are kept and harvested. I’ve often thought of the possibilities of entire planets being used as seals for demons and undead creatures. Once that seal is broken, all bets are off, motherfuckers. Keegan Day from “Occupy Wrestling” never thought of this shit. Or did he? Hmm.

Okay, so we’ve got this world of reanimated dead bodies. What we need now is a reason for an adventurer to go there. Surely, traveling to such a violent and savage place would be a suicide mission. There must be something or someone of value on this necrocosm that would be worth wading through an army of dead bodies. A villain to fight, a prisoner to rescue, an artifact to steal, these are all good reasons to risk life and limb for a journey to that planet. If you know how to build tension, you can pull off this storyline and be successful at it.

So how about it, ladies and gentlemen? If this became a D&D campaign, would your character have the cajones to venture onto such a planet with the lingering fear of having his flesh and organs gnawed on? Would you have the solid steel spine to read through a novel that went behind fierce enemy lines like the war zone the necrocosm is? Could I possibly fit an entire world’s worth of action and drama into one short story? So many possibilities, so little time. Hell, if somebody else wants to expand upon this idea and do something with it, I’m not against it as long as you remember where you got this juicy creative fuel from. The table of opportunity has been set, people. What are you going to do?

***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTESTS AND COMPANY***

It’s a brand new week and a brand new prompt has been put into place. Apparently, this suggestion was from many years ago when a former admin named Mike Ragland first posted it in the prompt ideas forum. The theme is Crumbling Well (that definitely has Mike’s fingerprints all over it), so my story this week will be called “The Ophidiomancer” (more Greek wordplay, for sure). It goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

Shaun Goldberg, Sheep Mask-Wearing Giant

Carlos Pierre, Psychotic Snake Handler

PROMPT CONFORMITY: Carlos keeps his poisonous snakes in a crumbling well in the middle of the field.

SYNOPSIS: Shaun is a thirty-year-old man child who recently escaped from his abusive mother and is wandering the plains like a mindless zombie. He stumbles upon Carlos and his followers in the middle of a snakebite ritual. Carlos offers to heal Shaun’s soul with a “test of faith”, but when the snake bites the man child, he goes berserk and starts throwing the followers around. Carlos tries to get out of dodge, but he keeps stumbling and rolling.

FUN FACT: For all of you WWE fans out there (both old school and new), these two main characters are based off of actual wrestlers that worked with the company. Shaun Goldberg is likened to Erick Rowan and Carlos Pierre has similarities to Jake “The Snake” Roberts. They come from two completely different eras of wrestling and bring their own form of creepiness to the table. Since a match between Rowan and Roberts won’t actually take place due to Roberts’ old age, this short story is the next best thing.

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Elizabeth Wilson has been knocked out of the park and now it’s time for someone new. That someone is Desilu McCourt, the Amazonian hammer swinger from “Occupy Wrestling”. You know the one. She’s the ogre chick who nearly snapped Debra Winter’s spine in half before Mitch McLeod came to the rescue. I’ve done a drawing of Desilu in the past, but I don’t think very highly of it, so I’m going to attempt her again. Wish me luck!

***MOVIE REVIEWS***

The last time I did a movie review, it was for Zootopia and that was many months ago. I don’t do movie reviews very often, but that’s only because I can count the number of visits to the theater I’ve made this year on one hand. I don’t plan on doing a review of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, because I’m still afraid of pissing off people who haven’t seen it yet with plot spoilers. That leaves me with two items on this short task list: the 2016 version of Ghostbusters and a little known documentary called Lucha Mexico. Ghost hunting and masked wrestling: such a delightful combination. Both movies will receive passing grades (four stars). It’s all a matter of putting the words and debating points together in a clean and crisp manner.

***BOOK REVIEW***

As most of you know, I’ve been doing some beta reading for my wonderful author friends Andy Peloquin and Marie Krepps. Their deadlines for publication are drawing near, so you can expect book reviews for them around those times. The first one to come up will be of Marie Krepps’ teen romance novel “What Money Can’t Buy”. It’s being published on August 11^th, the same day as my Slipknot X Marilyn Manson concert. We both have things to be excited for!

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“School uniforms: bad theory! It’s the idea that if kids wear uniforms to school it’ll help maintain order. Don’t these schools do enough damage trying to get these kids to think alike? Now they’re going to get them to look alike too? And it’s not a new idea. I once saw it in old newsreels from the 1930’s, though it was a little hard to understand because the narration was in German!”

-George Carlin-

Youth of the Nation

***YOUTH OF THE NATION***

Even though some of the songs on my iTunes play list are considered “Christian rock”, I am by no means religious. But even with my proud atheist liberal stance, I can appreciate the message of POD’s “Youth of a Nation”. Instead of trying to push an agenda, the song is simply a mourning of all of the lives lost due to school shootings. In all of the debates going on politically, the one thing we always seem to forget is to care for one another and be the best neighbors we can be. Hugs and hair fuzzles can go a long way. Hell, it may even be the last time you get to do something like that for the ones you love. Show your love often and in huge volumes. People remember that sort of thing, so much so that they’ll take it to the grave with them when the time finally comes to die. Here are the lyrics to “Youth of a Nation”:

Last day of the rest of my life
I wish I would've known
Cause I didn't kiss my mama goodbye

I didn't tell her that I loved her and how much I care
Or thank my pops for all the talks
And all the wisdom he shared

Unaware, I just did what I always do
Everyday, the same routine
Before I skate off to school

But who knew that this day wasn't like the rest
Instead of taking a test
I took two to the chest

Call me blind, but I didn't see it coming
Everybody was running
But I couldn't hear nothing

Except gun blasts, it happened so fast
I don't really know this kid
Even though I sit by him in class

Maybe this kid was reaching out for love
Or maybe for a moment
He forgot who he was
Or maybe this kid just wanted to be hugged
Whatever it was
I know it's because

We are, We are, the youth of the nation

Little Suzy, she was only twelve
She was given the world
With every chance to excel

Hang with the boys and hear the stories they tell
She might act kind of proud
But no respect for herself

She finds love in all the wrong places
The same situations
Just different faces

Changed up her pace since her daddy left her
Too bad he never told her
She deserved much better

Johnny boy always played the fool
He broke all the rules
So you would think he was cool

He was never really one of the guys
No matter how hard he tried
Often thought of suicide

It's kind of hard when you ain't got no friends
He put his life to an end
They might remember him then

You cross the line and there's no turning back
Told the world how he felt
With the sound of a gat

We are, We are, the youth of the nation

Who's to blame for the lives that tragedies claim
No matter what you say
It don't take away the pain

That I feel inside, I'm tired of all the lies
Don't nobody know why
It's the blind leading the blind

I guess that's the way the story goes
Will it ever make sense
Somebody's got to know

There's got to be more to life than this
There's got to be more to everything
I thought exists

We are, We are, the youth of the nation

***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTESTS AND COMPANY***

It’s a brand new week and a brand new prompt. This time we’ve got “Deception” and a story called “Exposed”, which goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

Trent O’Neil, Math Teacher

Juliet Farrell, Freshman Student

PROMPT CONFORMITY: Trent deceived the whole school into thinking he was a decent human being.

SYNOPSIS: In order to improve her math grade, Juliet has been spending extra time after school with Trent as her unofficial tutor. On the eve of a midterm test, Trent leaves the classroom to use the toilet and forgets to lock his desk drawers. Juliet goes to leave her extra credit assignment on the desk and gets suspicious when one of the drawers is ajar. She opens it and becomes horrified when she sees nude photos of herself neatly stacked inside. Trent comes back from his bathroom break and tries to “explain” how nude photos of Juliet ended up in his desk. The student tries to escape, but the teacher is blocking the only exit. It’s fight or flight for the little freshman and she hits hard.

***OCCUPY WRESTLING***

With the completion of Chapter Ten’s editing chores, I have officially crossed the halfway threshold of this novel. Ten more chapters and we’re ready to rock and roll. Ten more chapters. I can do ten more chapters. The eleventh one will probably get a complete overhaul since it’s the scene where Nina Jordan traces one of Keegan’s prison phone calls to an abandoned gas station. At least I think that’s the one, I’m not sure. If it is, then I’ll have to involve a large number of cops along with the ever-present Snakes of Jehovah. I can do this. I can goddamn do this.

***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

DWAYNE PRIDE: Lay off the bee puns!

SONJA PERCY: Yeah, it’s not like this is a sting operation.

-NCIS: New Orleans-

***POST-SCRIPT***

Speaking of that TV show, John Oliver asked a very important question in one of his “Last Week Tonight” episodes: “How can there be that many dead navy sailors in New Orleans?!”