***SAYING DUMB SHIT TO WRITERS***
Art in general is frowned upon in a society where we love to
be entertained. Let that statement sink in for a few minutes. Because we’re not
as exalted as the STEM lords, artists get a lot of dumb questions and a lot of
dumb statements. It never gets easier with time. In fact, when people ask me
what I do for a living, I just tell them I’m unemployed rather than brag about
my author career to someone who clearly doesn’t care. I’ve had my fair share of
dumb statements from small talking extroverts, grannies, and a combination of
both. These are the six worst things said to me during my career as a writer:
“We need some good stories out there, not blood and guts.”
I was so pissed at this statement that I came close to creating
a bloody story in real life with the woman who said this to me. I never let my
anger show; I just silently seethed on the inside. An R-rating doesn’t make for
an automatically bad movie or novel. Saying otherwise shows off a level of
ignorance like a beacon in the night. Okay, so maybe you don’t like violent
stories. Fine. Don’t read them. Don’t watch bloody movies. Don’t force your
narrow-minded opinion on another writer. That’s not helpful advice. That’s
conformity. Writers don’t conform very well and if they did, they wouldn’t have
careers. The woman later asked me if I was interested in joining a college
group for Catholics.
“Are you going to be a teacher?”
When someone asked me what I majored in while going to
college (it was English), this was the most common follow-up question. Let me
tell you right now that you wouldn’t want me as your teacher. I don’t command a
great deal of authority without screaming when I reach my breaking point. And
when I explode like a car bomb, I go from being the victim to the villain. I
directed a play in high school that was an adaptation of Pulp Fiction. None of
the students listened to my orders; they were only in it for the easy A. The
only way I could have gained their respect was through raw physicality, which
isn’t allowed in high school. Story of my life: my only problem solving skill
is using violence and violence is illegal. A true Catch-22 scenario if I’ve
ever heard one.
“You know what I’d like you to write? A book about World War
II.”
You couldn’t pay me enough money to write a book about World
War II. It doesn’t pique my interest in the same way that a fantasy or sci-fi
story would. If you want someone to write your WW2 novel, pay them handsomely
and don’t expect them to do it for the exposure. Writers don’t work for
exposure. That’s a myth and it’s about damn time someone debunked it. Even if I
did take a mild interest in World War II, I don’t know enough about history to
be 100% accurate with my tropes. Social studies wasn’t a favorite topic of mine
when I went to school. I got the good grades I wanted, but it still wasn’t a
fascinating topic to me. Then again, I never did like school no matter what
grade I was in. I got my good grades, kept my mouth shut, and soldiered on
despite it all. And now I’m an English major (not a teacher).
“We don’t need more sequels to movies.”
This one was ranted about by a group of old ladies who
clearly had a bias against superhero movies. Maybe they too should commission
an author to write a World War II book since that’s all they can seem to
remember. Just like with the blood and guts example, it’s not right to force
your interests and views on a budding author. We are all different. We have
different needs. We see the world through different lenses. Respect that and be
on your merry way to a game of cribbage.
“You should write a story about the relationship between a
seal and a little boy.”
Again, not a topic I give two shits about. Seals are cute
and cuddly, don’t get me wrong, but blood-soaked fantasy battles take higher
priority. Maybe the seal can one day don spiked metal armor and charge into the
battlefield with a jousting lance. Maybe the seal can wear a sparkling wizard’s
hat and cast magic spells until the end of time. Maybe the seal was made to be
a seal because of a witch’s curse. Those scenarios sound a lot more appealing
to me than dicking around with a little boy. This ain’t Free Willy,
motherfucker.
“Don’t go to Hollywood
to write movie scripts. There are drugs and prostitutes there.”
As opposed to the place I live now which is squeaky clean?
Get out of here with that shit. Every city has its own demons whether you live
in Hollywood, Seattle,
Tehran, London,
or good old fashioned Chehalis. Besides, if you really wanted to deter me from
going to Hollywood,
you would have played the Harvey Weinstein card. That’ll scare the shit out of
anybody! Or if you need something creepier, try to keep budding screenwriters
away from Nickelodeon, especially in the wake of Dan Schneider being a
potential pedophile with a foot fetish. Come to think of it, that alone would
make good enough creative fuel for a horror movie script. Then you can sell it
to Hollywood
while getting cozy on Harvey Weinstein’s leather couch. Ugh…
If there’s one lesson you can take away from this blog
entry, it’s that micro-aggressions against writers aren’t just minor incidents.
Writers hear this shit all the time and it boils them alive with rage, so much
so that they’ll probably use you as murder fodder in their stories if you push them
too hard. It’s the closest we’ll ever come to committing violent acts without
getting thrown in prison. You have no idea how satisfying that is to us. If you
don’t know what to say to an author, that’s okay, because as introverted
professionals, we appreciate a good moment of silence here and there. Not all
conversations need to be had.
And when the conversation does go south, it’ll be because
you forced your values on the author without giving them room for their own
individuality. Whether you’re a STEM guy, a hairdresser, an old lady, or
someone who automatically assumes all English majors become teachers, a little
silence can go a long way. I’m Garrison Kelly! Until next time, try to enjoy
the daylight! And yes, the sign off phrase I use comes from a TV show about
blood and guts. Deal with it.
***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
(RE: Categorizing books in the prison library.)
HAYWOOD: Treasure Island by
Robert Louis…
ANDY: Stevenson. Fiction: Adventure. What’s next?
RED: I have here Auto Repair and Soap Carving.
ANDY: Trades, Skills, and Hobbies. It goes under
Educational, the stack behind you.
HAYWOOD: The Count of Monte Crisco.
PRISONER: That’s Cristo, you dumb shit.
HAYWOOD: By Alexandree…Dumass…Dumbass?
RED: Hahahahahaha!
ANDY: “Doo-MAH”. You know what that one’s about? You’ll like
it; it’s about a prison break.
RED: Well, we ought to file that under Educational too.
-The Shawshank Redemption-
***POST-SCRIPT***
Well, what do you know? Another R-rated classic! With blood,
but not guts! Suck it, random Catholic lady!
