Caleb Rosales, Carpenter and Concerned Neighbor from "Virtuous"

 

Red Zone

VERSE 1

I’ve got a potion in a vial, but it’s not magic

It’s to keep my blindness from ending up tragic

Tear gas, mace, batons, and glass shields

“To serve and protect”, yeah, we get the spiel

What are you protecting: corporate feelings?

Did we ruin your country club shady-ass dealings?

What are you serving: a glass of chardonnay?

Is this why you shove the crowd out of the way?

PRE-CHORUS

Crimes committed, cops acquitted

Beaten protesters, happy investors

Of all the shit you arrest us for

Put one more crime in your report

CHORUS

I think I’m parked in the red zone

I think I’m parked in the red zone

Cuff my wrists right down the bone

I think I’m parked in the red zone

VERSE 2

It’s not about consistency, but owning the libs

Easy rhetoric flows like shit from your lips

You’re living the dream as you gang up like a team

On an unarmed dude as you beat him into cream

PRE-CHORUS

Crimes committed, cops acquitted

Beaten protesters, happy investors

Of all the shit you arrest us for

Put one more crime in your report

CHORUS

I think I’m parked in the red zone

I think I’m parked in the red zone

Cuff my wrists right down the bone

I think I’m parked in the red zone

BRIDGE

This is your idea of utopia

Your kids’ idea of Nickelodeon

Your voters’ idea of unbiased news

They’ve got one more issue to choose

EXTENDED CHORUS

I think I’m parked in the red zone

I think I’m parked in the red zone

Cuff my wrists right down the bone

I think I’m parked in the red zone

I’m blocking my own ambulance

As you erase your own evidence

Of slamming me on the pavement stones

For being parked in the red zone

Parked in the red zone!

"Kick-Ass 3" by Mark Millar

BOOK TITLE: Kick-Ass 3

AUTHOR: Mark Millar

YEAR: 2014

GENRE: Graphic Novel

SUBGENRE: Superhero

GRADE: Pass

Following the events of Kick-Ass 2, Hit-Girl is locked in solitary confinement while Kick-Ass and his friends try to rebuild what’s left of their superhero team. New girlfriends, real world priorities, lack of preparation, freeloading teammates, and dissension among the team all play a factor in slowing down progress for Kick-Ass and his ambitions of keeping New York City safe. A team of superheroes is needed now more than ever since mafia boss Rocco Genovese is back in business and plans on uniting every east coast gang to form one big mega corporation that also includes corrupt cops. Can Kick-Ass and his crew get their ducks in a row? Can Hit-Girl escape from prison and reunite with her friends? These questions won’t get answered without a few splatters of blood and some broken bones along the way.

It’s been a long time in between reading Kick-Ass 2 and Kick-Ass 3. I had completely forgotten by then how delightfully brutal Hit-Girl can be. Even in solitary confinement, she manages to murder everyone who crosses her, smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniels in her cell, and play with Hello Kitty cards all in the same day. When she unleashes her litany of tough guy swear words, she can back up every single one of them and go completely overboard in the process. Granted, I’m not a big fan of her anti-liberal remarks, but that’s only a tiny part of Hit-Girl’s overall character. She’s a badass in every sense of the word. If she can’t slice heads off or smash genitals into powder, she’ll outsmart her foes with explosives and guns. Lots and lots of guns. You mess with her, not only are you dead as a doornail, but you’re going to feel it in the afterlife as well.

The other thing I liked about this graphic novel is Kick-Ass’s struggles with balancing his superhero life with his personal one. There are times in the story where he seriously considers settling down with his new girlfriend and forsaking his superhero persona altogether. He blames himself and his obsession with Batman for his friends and loved ones being killed left and right. While capitulation isn’t a desirable trait in a superhero, it’s certainly an understandable one. It’s all a part of the normal life versus exciting life debate that goes on not only with fictional superheroes, but aspects of the real world as well whether it’s the music industry, Hollywood, wrestling, or professional sports. For a graphic novel that loves hardcore violence, it certainly makes you think a little bit every now and then.

Speaking of hardcore violence, it’s peppered everywhere in this comic book and I love it to pieces. Splatters of blood, crunching bones, sloshing organs, you name it, it happens. There’s even one painful scene where Hit-Girl punches a corrupt cup on the groin so hard that his whole pelvis explodes. It’s later learned that the poor guy lost sixty pounds since then. I don’t know how, but it sounds brutal nonetheless. There’s another scene where Hit-Girl slashes a gangster’s head in half horizontally, which reminds me of something that would happen in Kill Bill. In fact, if you took Kill Bill, Hostel, the Saw movies, and Blood Drive, put them all in a milkshake blender and watched the red juices overflow, that’s pretty much what Kick-Ass 3 is like. It’s gruesome as hell, but in a fun and delightfully sadistic way. Would this be considered a guilty pleasure?

Kick-Ass 3 lives up to the awesome reputation the first two installments did and wraps up the series in a nice little bundle. The ending is satisfying, no stone is left unturned, and everybody goes home happy. Well, I don’t know how happy anybody can truly be after everything Kick-Ass went through for three graphic novels, but there’s at least a modicum of solace in his new life. A passing grade goes to this excellent piece of badass violence! Great work, Mr. Millar!

Demon Axe

***DEMON AXE***

I see all of my writer friends publishing novels left and right and it makes me wonder what I’m doing sitting on my ass. The last time I wrote a novel, summer in 2015 was coming to an end and the story was a psychological fantasy called “Watch You Burn”. Ever since then, it remained a first draft and I had devoted my attention to other projects, such as the WSS contests, editing the shit out of “Occupy Wrestling”, and editing the shit out of “Poison Tongue Tales”. And then I had real life obstacles getting in the way such as sleep apnea, concerts, and exhausting housework. Wherever could I find the time to write a novel these days? Do I truly have to wait until November a.k.a. NaNoWriMo?

The correct answer is not only no, but hell no. I used to pump out novels like an assembly line back in my younger years. They were shitty novels, but they were novels nonetheless. So what pray tell is keeping me from writing a novel in today’s world? Absolutely nothing. Those other creative projects can be done side-by-side with my novel and it wouldn’t affect my energy levels. It’s been a full year since “Watch You Burn” and now it’s time to get some shit done.

In the same way that “Occupy Wrestling” lionizes pro-wrestling and “Watch You Burn” supports people with mental illnesses, this new novel idea, “Demon Axe”, will lionize heavy metal. When you get right down to it, those are the three tropes I live with the most: wrestling, metal, and schizophrenia. Such a wonderful combination! So here it is, ladies and gentlemen: a character list and synopsis for what will be called “Demon Axe”:

MAIN CHARACTERS:

Daniel Mercer, Heavy Metal Singer

Shawn Henry, Police Detective

Raven Triscloud, Elf Warrior

King Triscloud, Elf Leader

Roger Zee, Elf Zealot

Johnny Vega, Giant Wrestler

Sonia Marquez, MMA Fighter

SYNOPSIS: Daniel and his band Demon Axe play a show on an open field that is believed to be holy ground for elves. Not believing the legends, the band goes ahead with the show anyways and encourages the wrath of Roger Zee, a machete-wielding elf who slashes the audience members to pieces. While Shawn Henry tries to investigate, Daniel is visited in the late hours of the night by Raven. Raven wants his help in hunting down Roger and putting him back in his tomb. Daniel confesses that the band name Demon Axe and their onstage dark fantasy gimmicks are just for show and he’s not a real warrior. Raven doesn’t believe him.

If you’ve seen the name Raven Triscloud before, it’s because she was a character in a D&D campaign back in 2010. I’ve asked Heather (the original owner of that character) if it was okay to use her in a story and she said yes. I tried to recycle her into a dark fantasy novel called “Fireball Nightmare”, but that story was too Gary-Stu and Mary-Sue infested. Hopefully, Demon Axe will be a better fit for her.

Spoiler alert: there’s going to be a sex scene in this novel. Not just any sex scene, but an ANGRY sex scene. I’ve often wondered if people really do have angry sex with each other. It seemed legitimate after I went to a Three Days Grace concert and Matt Walst asked the audience pointblank, “Have you ever fucked somebody you hate?!” The audience erupted into cheers after that, so I guess angry sex is a real thing.

I have two other novel ideas that are planned out from beginning to end: a debt collection drama called “Debt of Pain” (naturally) and an animal fantasy called “LuNacho” (named after two stray cats who eventually went to the Humane Society named Luna and Nacho). Demon Axe appeals to me the most right now, but that doesn’t mean I’m casting those other two ideas aside so easily.

Because I want Demon Axe to be a full-fledged novel and not a shortie like “Occupy Wrestling” ended up being, it will have to conform to the 40,000 word quota. That means all twenty chapters of this novel will have to be at least 2,000 words long, which is 500 more than what I’m used to writing with chapters and short stories alike. It’s going to be a challenge, but I know full well that if I keep writing within my comfort zone, I’m never going to get anywhere.

Wish me luck, faithful readers. Keep your devil horns up in the air for my boys Demon Axe!

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Dovald ended up scaring the shit out of my mother when I showed my drawing of him to her. If she thought a bulky dark paladin with creepy face paint was something to behold, she’s never met Tara Greenlee. Tara is a demonic hallucination from the short story “Dancing with Mary Jane” who torments two corrupt cops to the point of insanity. Tara Greenlee is basically Guillermo Batista from “The Balrog” on steroids. Watch out for this bloodthirsty monster!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“You can’t see California without Marlon Brando’s eyes!”

-Slipknot singing “Eyeless”-