How Are Those Egg Prices Working Out for You, MAGA?

 

Caleb Rosales, Carpenter and Concerned Neighbor from "Virtuous"

 

Chainsword Chester John

VERSE 1

Give a man a chainsword, he’ll decapitate your ass

Teach him how to use it, he’ll cut the planet in half

He’ll turn alien warriors into soft mashed potatoes

Leave them stinking up the air like rotten tomatoes

Such is the life of Private Chester W. John

A space marine hero and a political pawn

Fighting a war across the dark side of the universe

Where treaties are nothing more than useless words

VERSE 2

If he questions the Sergeant, he’ll get locked in a cage

If he keeps it bottled up, he’ll have no outlet for his rage

“The hideous creatures have no dreams of their own

It’s either you with a medal or them with your bones”

Hack and slash while never sleeping a single wink

Chester’s meant to follow orders, not independently think

He’s got a construction job waiting at the end of his duty

Be a good little capitalist, not a pixie boy cutie

VERSE 3

The space war is over and he gets a shiny medal

Chester wanted a parade, but he’ll have to settle

For a discount at Hooters and Dave & Busters

With the little bit of money that he’s able to muster

His body’s back on earth, but his mind is out in space

It’s an ordinary life, but he’s got blood on his face

The tears never came and he’ll never be the same

But at least he got his fifteen short minutes of fame

VERSE 4

He tosses and turns in his bedroom at night

Submachine gun to his left, chainsword to his right

Everything around him looks like alien slime

In civilian life, they call his violence a crime

Nobody taught Chester how to turn it all off

If he tried it in the war, they’d call him soft

Those alien planets were where he truly belonged

Here come the hot tears, there’s no need to be strong

Chainsaw Channing Lugar

VERSE 1

Channing’s paycheck couldn’t buy him a feast

But he’s got beer and Netflix, at the very least

That’s what he gets for selling power tools

At the hardware store right out of trade school

Last thing he needed was the store to be robbed

What was there to steal? Nails and door knobs?

His nightmare came true at his work one day

“Stick them hands up or I’ll blow your ass away!”

VERSE 2

Robber opened the cash box and collected wallets

An act of patriotism is what he will call it

He needed the money to overthrow the “gum mint”

Buy some big ass bombs and some cool gun shit

He turned his back for a second too many

Just when he tried to squeeze out the last penny

Channing Lugar fired up the chainsaw

Morphed from working class stiff to a pain god

VERSE 3

The chase took place across several blocks

Robber left a trail of urine from his cock

Shit from his ass blew a hole in his jeans

Channing smelled Hooters steak and green beans

Even COVID deniers wanted to wear masks

Breathing human sewage is an unenviable task

Not nearly as bad as blood from the slash

Mutilation by chainsaw, corpse in the trash

VERSE 4

Is Channing Lugar a hero or a killer?

Not a rhetorical question or pointless filler

So many questions from lawyers and cops

They wade through blood and biological slop

Local news called him Chainsaw Channing Lugar

Said, “Hold my beer!” to Jason and Kruger

Going too far only works if you’re rich

Powerful too, not a working class bitch

My Personal Space Is Not a Free Country

CHORUS

My personal space is not a free country

Not a debate where you go headhunting

Not a democracy, not a theocracy

Not pornography with rape and sodomy

VERSE 1

I’m a working class stiff from Port Orchard

I spend my time giving out fast food orders

Don’t like what I eat? Fuck off from the heat

The kitchen’s too hot, but you act like it’s not

Raise your voice at me like a drill instructor

You get double middle fingers, you motherfucker

You’re in my zone, you don’t have free speech

Don’t whine about welfare, you’re the real leech

CHORUS

My personal space is not a free country

Not a debate where you go headhunting

Not a democracy, not a theocracy

Not pornography with rape and sodomy

VERSE 2

Autistic obsessions over trivial hobbies

They’re mine all mine, no point in sobbing

I’ll spend my time doing whatever I want

You call it a waste of time, it’s clearly not

I’m having fun without hurting anybody

I’m not your specimen to probe and study

Never once told you to stop watching football

So fuck all the way off, it’s the only good call

EXTENDED CHORUS

My personal space is not a free country

Not a debate where you go headhunting

Not a democracy, not a theocracy

Not pornography with rape and sodomy

If I hit a block button on the internet app

Don’t come at me with your bigoted crap

My personal space is not a town square

I never asked you, so I don’t really care

BRIDGE

Put your gun away, you won’t need it here

Shelve your holy book, my message is clear

Do all of that shit behind your own closed doors

Don’t treat my house like a base for the Corps

FINAL LINE

My personal space is not a free country!

"Theft By Finding" by David Sedaris

BOOK TITLE: Theft By Finding

AUTHOR: David Sedaris

YEAR: 2017

GENRE: Nonfiction

SUBGENRE: LGBT Memoir

GRADE: Pass

From 1977 to 2002, David Sedaris keeps a personal diary of growing up as a working class gay man, traveling all over America and Europe to make ends meet. He comes in contact with all sorts of wacky characters, publishes many pieces of writing, puts on multiple plays, teaches classes full of ungrateful students, and takes classes of his own whether it’s learning to speak French or putting together an artistic sculpture. There’s never a shortage of weird moments in this memoir. In fact, if the book had been completely wholesome, it wouldn’t have been as entertaining as it was. Thank you, David Sedaris, for living through these strange experiences so that the rest of us don’t have to!

Speaking of strange experiences, the crazy people David describes in this book remind me a lot of anyone I would have to share public transportation with during my college days. Sometimes he’d cross paths with belligerent beggars who’d relentlessly swear at him whenever he refused to give them change. Sometimes he’d work with blatant bigots whether they were homophobes, racists, or sexists (this is not-so-shockingly frequent during his time in North Carolina in the 70’s and 80’s). And then there are just people who want to talk to nothing or have a good scream, also at thin air. No matter where in the world he goes, he can’t seem to get away from all the madness. He could go to heaven itself and it would still be full of awkward and uncomfortable people. These are not memories I necessarily want to relive, but I’m also grateful that I’m not alone in experiencing such discomfort.

The one part of the book that really got my blood boiling though was when David studied French overseas and had an overly aggressive teacher. This woman was a hybrid between the Scottish teacher from Pink Floyd the Wall and Gunnery Sergeant Hartmann from Full Metal Jacket. She yelled at her students, humiliated them, and did it all in the name of a “good education”. The only thing that angered me more than her attitude was that David Sedaris and many of his fellow students actually praised her for her tough love approach. Folks, I’ve had my fair share of bad teachers and if you ever caught me praising them, just do me a favor and shoot me in the head. The tough love approach doesn’t do anything except breed contempt. I’ll never understand why people say that they learn better from tough teachers. Again, this is not a memory I enjoyed reliving, but I’m also grateful to know that I’m not wrong in feeling the way that I feel.

One more thing I want to touch on. I know David Sedaris’s writing is supposed to be categorized as humor, but I can count on one hand how many times I’ve laughed throughout reading Theft By Finding. These weren’t even hyena laughs either, they were just casual chuckles. Granted, it doesn’t take away from the passing grade I’m giving this book, but a little true advertising would have helped. If anything, this memoir depressed me rather than made me believe in laughing out loud. It makes me appreciate my comfortable life even more, so at least I can be thankful for that. One of the lines that made me laugh though was that a gun store in New York was having a “blowout sale”. Oh, the irony!

Despite the minimal laughter I got from this book, it was still an entertaining read that I would recommend to anybody looking for good nonfiction. If nothing else, it’s a sobering look into the darkest parts of American and international life, especially North Carolina during the Reagan years. The bigotry that went on during those times was heartbreaking and overwhelming. The sad part is, we’re repeating all of that in today’s world in the age of Trump. A passing grade will got to this dark, dystopian piece of nonfiction!

Underdog

VERSE 1
Nothing in this life was ever handed to me
Except for Uncle Sam’s wad of hush money
“Stay on the sidelines, don’t get yourself hurt
Don’t get mud on your shoes or blood on your shirt
The workplace has nothing for you at this time
In social development, you’re ten years behind”
Underdog has always been my middle name
Would you trust me with fortune and fame?


CHORUS
The lower tier is for those with tears
Stemming from their greatest fears
It may take months, it may take years
To get the underdog on out of here


VERSE 2
2.75 or the 666?
To me it’s all just stones and sticks
62 or is it all about you?
Are those childish insults really true?
99-percent and barely paying rent
For an underdog driven and hell-bent
Knock me down as many times as you’d like
Because I’ll always get back on my bike


CHORUS
The lower tier is for those with tears
Stemming from their greatest fears
It may take months, it may take years
To get the underdog on out of here


VERSE 3
You’re a nonbeliever in the overachiever
You blame the poor and label us whores
Do you know what it’s like to be underrated?
To become the background so gray and faded?
Everything I have I earned in spades
I don’t measure success on how much I’m paid
I don’t measure my love on orgasmic trances
I take control by exploiting my chances


HOOK
Everybody has their own opinion
It doesn’t mean I’ll become your minion
I know I’ll make it one of these days
My future is another conquerable maze


CHORUS
The lower tier is for those with tears
Stemming from their greatest fears
It may take months, it may take years
To get the underdog on out of here

"The Outsiders" by SE Hinton

When members of Generation Y think of “The Outsiders”, it will either mean one of two things. It’ll either refer to the tag team in WCW that consisted of Scott Hall and Kevin Nash, or it’ll refer to the SE Hinton novel that described the class warfare between two cliques of teenagers known as the Greasers and the Socs. As entertaining as a match with Scott Hall and Kevin Nash sounds, it can’t compare with the battle royal that took place near the end of the book between the two warring cliques. But how exactly did the two groups get to that particular moment? Exclusion. Like any clique you’ll find in high school, the Greasers and Socs were highly exclusive toward each other and therefore didn’t like one another. It’s comparable to the classic nerds vs. jocks war that constantly goes on in high school. In the case of “The Outsiders”, the Greasers were working class heroes and the Socs were spoiled rich kids. You read this book and wonder why anybody would want to bully another human being for not having the same amount of money as the one doing the bullying. It makes no real sense. For Johnny Cade and Pony-Boy Curtis, it didn’t make much sense to them either. In fact, Johnny specifically said that there shouldn’t be groups of people, just people. It may have sounded hypocritical coming from someone who was a lifer within the Greasers, but it wasn’t since those two main characters were the most sane people in the group. It’s almost like what we see in today’s political climate where some members are dubbed the “sanest people in their party.” It sounds unrealistic to someone with strong beliefs, but to an open mind, it’s always possible. But as it was, the Greasers and Socs were so close-minded toward each other that Johnny Cade slew one of the Socs with a switchblade. The only reason why it didn’t tarnish Johnny’s personal character as a voice of reason was because the murder was out of defense for his friend Pony-Boy Curtis, who was being suffocated in a park fountain. “The Outsiders” has a lot of strange dichotomies similar to this one, but the message remains crystal clear: get along or die. John Lennon tried to say this a long time ago and he got assassinated for it. It makes me wonder if mankind is ever going to change.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Don’t give me love, don’t give me faith, wisdom nor pride, give innocence instead. Don’t give me love, I’ve had my share. Beauty nor rest, give me truth instead.”

-Nightwish singing “The Crow, the Owl, and the Dove”-