Philosophy

 Let me ask you a philosophical question…

If I write a thousand stories and nobody cares

Do they suddenly vanish into nothing but air?

If I fall in love and leave everyone disgusted

Can any of my feelings really be so trusted?

If I make money delivering another cook’s meal

Are they the ones who deserve all of the zeal?

If I pet a thousand cats and make them purr

Does worldwide harmony suddenly occur?

If I feed a thousand hamburgers to hungry dogs

Will anybody hear their little howling songs?

If I have a thousand dreams underneath the sheets

Will I wake up just to taste lifelong defeat?

If I get a thousand likes on this picture of me

Is it true beauty that the public wants to see?

If everybody tells me that I should shoot my shot

Will I hit the target every time? Probably not

Success is more heavenly than the pearly gates

So why is it that I continue to sit around and wait?

Because taking action has a lethal consequence

High risk, high reward, no sitting on the fence

Failure is inevitable, but it shouldn’t be deadly

A safety net is what the gods should send me

But no universal space god watches my back

One big mistake, my whole world goes black

Playing it safe is considered mediocrity

I’m just living my life at a snail’s velocity

Let me ask another philosophical question

If a shooting star falls, does it even get a mention?

Paying Your Dues

VERSE 1

All your horror stories will come with a price

All your greatest fears will come back to life

You got your ass cancelled for no good reason

All of your fans have been accused of treason

This is what it means when you pay your dues

Screaming heavy metal, yet singing the blues

Your interest rate is up to a hundred percent

Many more lonely nights is what you’ll spend

CHORUS 1

Paying your dues is what your critics choose

Paying your dues means you sometimes lose

Paying your dues will tax your ass raw

Steel your spine and tighten your jaw

VERSE 2

Nobody said that this would be easy

Nobody said that this would be pleasing

It’s all a part of life if you like it or not

Always somebody to steal your spot

CHORUS 1

Paying your dues is what your critics choose

Paying your dues means you sometimes lose

Paying your dues will tax your ass raw

Steel your spine and tighten your jaw

VERSE 3

Everybody gets what they paid for in the end

Even if it costs them every one of their friends

Even if it costs them their own damn health

Guarantees them a place in their own hell

Despite all the pain, you could fail again

Back to square one, far away from the end

Everyone knows this ain’t a meritocracy

But they cover it up with their own hypocrisy

CHORUS 2

Paying your dues ain’t no ocean cruise

Paying your dues comes with an ego bruise

Paying your dues will break you in half

When you scale to the top, it’s okay to laugh

This is Mount Everest reaching to the stars

This will show the world how tough you are

I hope you get everything you’ve wanted

You and the elite have much in common

Building My Life Around Mental Health

***BEFORE I BEGIN***

I know in the last blog entry I told you all that this current one was going to be about the Wrestling Observer Newsletter awards for 2018, particularly their Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic category. That was a lie. Truth is, I’ve pretty much accepted the fact that I’m on an island with that one, so I’m not going to write it. Spoiler alert: the big winner of that award was WWE’s business relationship with Saudi Arabia. If you followed the news around the time Jamal Khashoggi was murdered, you’ll know why this promotional tactic was pretty fucking bad. Plus, there’s that whole thing about human rights abuses and suppressing women’s freedom.

***BUILDING MY LIFE AROUND MENTAL HEALTH***

If I wanted to, I could elevate my career to newfound levels of fame. I can take certain Skillshare classes on marketing, I can hook up with the right people, I can make an Author Tube platform, I can do all of these things that any sane independent author would do. But the truth is, if I do all of those things and achieve my highest level of fame and fortune, it might come at a steep price. For years now, I’ve built my entire life around two things: staying mentally healthy and knowing when I’m too tired to carry on. Stressing myself out will derail both of those plans.

Taking good care of my mind is the biggest reason why I don’t do a lot of things normal adults should be doing. I don’t apply for fast-paced jobs, I don’t drive a car, I don’t put myself out there socially, because if I do any of these things, my mind is toast. I’ve probably talked about this subject before, so excuse me if any of this sounds familiar to you. Stress plays a huge role in how a mentally ill mind can function. Too much of it can lead to long-lasting damage. Playing it safe sounds like a cowardly strategy, but I’ve been in those stressful situations before and I don’t need another schizophrenic episode. In a way I’ve learned to fear them. I had a lot of schizophrenic episodes during my WWU days. It might have had more to do with my caffeine intake and isolation than actual schoolwork, but I’m still weary about going back to college for any reason.

I know full well that taking risks is the key to success. But what does success look like and what is it worth when the cost is paid? Does it mean being famous? If that’s the case, then it’ll mean I’ll be looked at under a microscope by the entire world. Every review and every criticism will be felt on a magnified level. Escaping fame and getting out from under the microscope is damned near impossible. One bad criticism could result in a firestorm of public shaming. If that’s what fame and fortune will lead to, then I want no part of it. I’ve been publicly shamed before and with a schizophrenic mind it hurt like a motherfucker.

But what else does success look like? Having a shit ton of money? Okay, great, but what am I going to do with all of this money? People give billionaires a hard time for not being able to spend all of their money in their lifetime and rightfully so. I don’t need things like yachts and summer mansions. I don’t need an island in the Caribbean. To be honest, I don’t really know what I’d like to spend copious amounts of money on. Travel? Great, but where to and for how long? Books and CD’s? Perfect, but I do that enough already. Donations? Again, I do that enough already. Concerts? Well, you know where this is heading.

So basically in order to be successful in my line of work, I have to sacrifice my mental health for rewards I have no idea what to do with. Maybe I can use all of my earned income to repair my mental health. I could go down to California and visit Cuddle Sanctuary for platonic spooning. I could go to Las Vegas and buy real sex. I could go on a “Secret Journey” like the Police song says and become a holy man. But wait a minute…I sacrifice my mental health just so I can have enough money to repair it. You talk about a catch-22. Holy shit!

I’m not at all saying that I’m against the idea of fame and fortune. But if I’m going to achieve it, I’m going to have to be careful and realistic about what I want and how I get it. I need to do a lot of soul-searching and a lot of online research. This isn’t something I’m going to take lightly and if I need encouragement from others, I’m going to take it. But until then, I’ll just keep chugging along and satisfying the demons in my head for yet another year. Maybe when I earn enough money, I can buy a cure for schizophrenia! Heh, we all know one doesn’t exist.

In the end, I’m not ashamed of building my life around mental illness. It gets boring sometimes, but it’s better to be bored than in constant psychological torment. At least with boredom I can relax and let my mind wander to lighthearted places instead of dark ones. Apparently, I’m not alone in thinking this. I’ve met people on the Face Book group Writing About Writing who also don’t see fame and fortune as their end game and they too struggle with mental illness. Don’t take this as a sign that I’m completely giving up. Take it as a sign that I’ll be more cautious in my climb to the top. I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying…actually, this would be a good time to slow down and take a breather.

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Upon a secret journey, I met a holy man. His blindness was his wisdom. I’m such a lonely man. And as the world was turning, it rolled itself in pain. This does not seem to touch you. He pointed to the rain. And on the days that followed, I listened to his words. I strained to understand him. I chased his thoughts like birds. You will see light in the darkness. You will make some sense of this. You will see joy in this sadness. You will find this love you missed. And when you’ve made your secret journey, you will be a holy man.”

-The Police singing “Secret Journey”-

***POST-SCRIPT***

On a high note, I only have one more chapter of Emilio and the Scratching Post to write and then it’s off to critiqueville. I might write it tomorrow. I might write it the day after. Or the day after. Or the day after. Either way, I’ll be thankful to see my story in yet another Hollow Hills publication. Wish me luck!

Mediocrity

VERSE 1

The Penultimate Warrior, the Over-Giver

Velveteen Limbo, a bunch of chopped liver

The devil’s least favorite demon

B-Team! B-Team! The playing field is even

I will not celebrate or tolerate mediocrity

I will succeed in any meritocracy

I’ll fight forever if that’s what it takes

I’ve got no time for the players and fakes

CHORUS

I’m not here to do my best

I’m here to defeat the rest

I’m not here to lay my ass down

I’m here to take over this town

I’m not here for participation

I’m here to rule this nation

I came to conquer, I shoot to kill

If you won’t step up, then I will

VERSE 2

The world’s eleventh strongest man

The last man standing sitting on his ass

The king of the hill turned into a pawn

The grand wizard with a broken wand

I refuse to go quietly into the night

To compromise what I believe is right

To sink beneath my comfortable sofa

To let mediocrity be my magnum opus

CHORUS

I’m not here to do my best

I’m here to defeat the rest

I’m not here to lay my ass down

I’m here to take over this town

I’m not here for participation

I’m here to rule this nation

I came to conquer, I shoot to kill

If you won’t step up, then I will

BRIDGE

I’ll sleep when I’m dead inside my head

Not a moment sooner than when I bled

Even as a skeleton collecting spider webs

I’ll never give up is what I’ve always said

You don’t get to choose when it’s over for me

You don’t get to micromanage or oversee

Keep talking shit and you’ll always be wrong

No matter how much you say or for how long

CHORUS

I’m not here to do my best

I’m here to defeat the rest

I’m not here to lay my ass down

I’m here to take over this town

I’m not here for participation

I’m here to rule this nation

I came to conquer, I shoot to kill

If you won’t step up, then I will

Let Them Cry

VERSE 1

There’s always one asshole out of the bunch

Who wants to eat your self-esteem for lunch

He doesn’t like the way you dress

He wouldn’t hate your ass any less

He doesn’t like the way you look

Punishes you for the chance you took

He can’t stand the fact that you’re even alive

He has the maturity of someone less than five

CHORUS

Let them cry! Let them cry!

For you are many and will never die!

Let them cry! Let them cry!

Until their eyeballs are fucking dry!

VERSE 2

Some people hate everything on the planet

Calling everybody “freaks” and “faggots”

Some people don’t know what happiness is

Some people have the mental age of six

CHORUS

Let them cry! Let them cry!

For you are many and will never die!

Let them cry! Let them cry!

Until their eyeballs are fucking dry!

BRIDGE

Don’t let the world get you down

Don’t listen to their asonia sounds

Don’t change for any woman or man

Giant size is how tall you’ll stand

VERSE 3

Take your success and laugh in his face

Let him cringe like his eyes are full of mace

Let him crawl into his safest space

You’ve earned your right to run this place

EXTENDED CHORUS

Let them cry! Let them cry!

For you are many and will never die!

Let them cry! Let them cry!

Until their eyeballs are fucking dry!

Let them whine! Let them bitch!

Let them crawl into a ditch!

Let them cry until the end of time!

Their two cents aren’t worth a thin dime!

Why Won't You Love Me?

VERSE 1

An autograph for your necrograph

Yet you turn away and belly laugh

Tell the world I’m damaged goods

I’m a psycho hiding out in the woods

Imagination short circuited by pills

Wasted potential killed off by the ills

Scandalous past kicking my own ass

The quiet one in the back of the class

CHORUS

Why won’t you love me?

Why do you shove me?

Enough room in my heart for an army

Even for the ones who try to harm me

Why won’t you love me?

You’re so high above me

Enough room in my mind for a choir

Love me or leave me, down to the wire

VERSE 2

Jealousy is a sincere form of flattery

Exclusion is a real form of battery

Failure is the true root of all agony

Suffering is the beginning of tragedy

I see you flying like a golden angel

My wings are bent at a funny angle

I’ll see you on the bottom of the barrel

I’ll find you when I’m lonely and feral

CHORUS

Why won’t you love me?

Why do you shove me?

Enough room in my heart for an army

Even for the ones who try to harm me

Why won’t you love me?

You’re so high above me

Enough room in my mind for a choir

Love me or leave me, down to the wire

VERSE 3

My passion won’t allow me to let go

My anxiety won’t allow me to know

The answer to this riddle called life

No matter how I hard I fucking try

They tell me to be patient and wait

Until the day I’m at the pearly gates

Work harder than I’ve ever worked

Until I blow a fuse and go berserk

PRE-CHORUS

Why won’t you love me?

Why won’t you care?

Why do the masses

Give me a blank stare?

Why won’t you love me?

Why won’t you join me?

Could my cries for help

Be that fucking annoying?

CHORUS

Why won’t you love me?

Why do you shove me?

Enough room in my heart for an army

Even for the ones who try to harm me

Why won’t you love me?

You’re so high above me

Enough room in my mind for a choir

Love me or leave me, down to the wire

Underdog

VERSE 1
Nothing in this life was ever handed to me
Except for Uncle Sam’s wad of hush money
“Stay on the sidelines, don’t get yourself hurt
Don’t get mud on your shoes or blood on your shirt
The workplace has nothing for you at this time
In social development, you’re ten years behind”
Underdog has always been my middle name
Would you trust me with fortune and fame?


CHORUS
The lower tier is for those with tears
Stemming from their greatest fears
It may take months, it may take years
To get the underdog on out of here


VERSE 2
2.75 or the 666?
To me it’s all just stones and sticks
62 or is it all about you?
Are those childish insults really true?
99-percent and barely paying rent
For an underdog driven and hell-bent
Knock me down as many times as you’d like
Because I’ll always get back on my bike


CHORUS
The lower tier is for those with tears
Stemming from their greatest fears
It may take months, it may take years
To get the underdog on out of here


VERSE 3
You’re a nonbeliever in the overachiever
You blame the poor and label us whores
Do you know what it’s like to be underrated?
To become the background so gray and faded?
Everything I have I earned in spades
I don’t measure success on how much I’m paid
I don’t measure my love on orgasmic trances
I take control by exploiting my chances


HOOK
Everybody has their own opinion
It doesn’t mean I’ll become your minion
I know I’ll make it one of these days
My future is another conquerable maze


CHORUS
The lower tier is for those with tears
Stemming from their greatest fears
It may take months, it may take years
To get the underdog on out of here