***BEFORE I BEGIN***
I know in the last blog entry I told you all that this
current one was going to be about the Wrestling Observer Newsletter awards for
2018, particularly their Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic category. That was
a lie. Truth is, I’ve pretty much accepted the fact that I’m on an island with
that one, so I’m not going to write it. Spoiler alert: the big winner of that
award was WWE’s business relationship with Saudi Arabia
***BUILDING MY LIFE AROUND MENTAL HEALTH***
If I wanted to, I could elevate my career to newfound levels
of fame. I can take certain Skillshare classes on marketing, I can hook up with
the right people, I can make an Author Tube platform, I can do all of these
things that any sane independent author would do. But the truth is, if I do all
of those things and achieve my highest level of fame and fortune, it might come
at a steep price. For years now, I’ve built my entire life around two things:
staying mentally healthy and knowing when I’m too tired to carry on. Stressing
myself out will derail both of those plans.
Taking good care of my mind is the biggest reason why I
don’t do a lot of things normal adults should be doing. I don’t apply for
fast-paced jobs, I don’t drive a car, I don’t put myself out there socially,
because if I do any of these things, my mind is toast. I’ve probably talked
about this subject before, so excuse me if any of this sounds familiar to you.
Stress plays a huge role in how a mentally ill mind can function. Too much of
it can lead to long-lasting damage. Playing it safe sounds like a cowardly
strategy, but I’ve been in those stressful situations before and I don’t need
another schizophrenic episode. In a way I’ve learned to fear them. I had a lot
of schizophrenic episodes during my WWU days. It might have had more to do with
my caffeine intake and isolation than actual schoolwork, but I’m still weary
about going back to college for any reason.
I know full well that taking risks is the key to success.
But what does success look like and what is it worth when the cost is paid?
Does it mean being famous? If that’s the case, then it’ll mean I’ll be looked
at under a microscope by the entire world. Every review and every criticism
will be felt on a magnified level. Escaping fame and getting out from under the
microscope is damned near impossible. One bad criticism could result in a
firestorm of public shaming. If that’s what fame and fortune will lead to, then
I want no part of it. I’ve been publicly shamed before and with a schizophrenic
mind it hurt like a motherfucker.
But what else does success look like? Having a shit ton of
money? Okay, great, but what am I going to do with all of this money? People
give billionaires a hard time for not being able to spend all of their money in
their lifetime and rightfully so. I don’t need things like yachts and summer
mansions. I don’t need an island in the Caribbean .
To be honest, I don’t really know what I’d like to spend copious amounts of
money on. Travel? Great, but where to and for how long? Books and CD’s?
Perfect, but I do that enough already. Donations? Again, I do that enough
already. Concerts? Well, you know where this is heading.
So basically in order to be successful in my line of work, I
have to sacrifice my mental health for rewards I have no idea what to do with.
Maybe I can use all of my earned income to repair my mental health. I could go
down to California Las Vegas
I’m not at all saying that I’m against the idea of fame and
fortune. But if I’m going to achieve it, I’m going to have to be careful and
realistic about what I want and how I get it. I need to do a lot of
soul-searching and a lot of online research. This isn’t something I’m going to
take lightly and if I need encouragement from others, I’m going to take it. But
until then, I’ll just keep chugging along and satisfying the demons in my head
for yet another year. Maybe when I earn enough money, I can buy a cure for
schizophrenia! Heh, we all know one doesn’t exist.
In the end, I’m not ashamed of building my life around mental
illness. It gets boring sometimes, but it’s better to be bored than in constant
psychological torment. At least with boredom I can relax and let my mind wander
to lighthearted places instead of dark ones. Apparently, I’m not alone in
thinking this. I’ve met people on the Face Book group Writing About Writing who
also don’t see fame and fortune as their end game and they too struggle with
mental illness. Don’t take this as a sign that I’m completely giving up. Take
it as a sign that I’ll be more cautious in my climb to the top. I’m Garrison
Kelly! Even when you feel like dying…actually, this would be a good time to
slow down and take a breather.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“Upon a secret journey, I met a holy man. His blindness was
his wisdom. I’m such a lonely man. And as the world was turning, it rolled
itself in pain. This does not seem to touch you. He pointed to the rain. And on
the days that followed, I listened to his words. I strained to understand him.
I chased his thoughts like birds. You will see light in the darkness. You will
make some sense of this. You will see joy in this sadness. You will find this
love you missed. And when you’ve made your secret journey, you will be a holy
man.”
-The Police singing “Secret Journey”-
***POST-SCRIPT***
On a high note, I only have one more chapter of Emilio and
the Scratching Post to write and then it’s off to critiqueville. I might write
it tomorrow. I might write it the day after. Or the day after. Or the day
after. Either way, I’ll be thankful to see my story in yet another Hollow Hills
publication. Wish me luck!
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