***MUSE OF THE YEAR 2019***
Last summer I wrote a blog entry about how every year I have
a new muse to inspire my creative work. Why every year? Who knows? This muse is
always female and can be a pro-wrestler, actress, singer, or even a fictional
character. My one rule for choosing muses is not to use people I know in real
life (at least by internet standards). If these people knew I was crushing on
them for creativity, I’d probably get sued or slapped with a restraining order.
Pretty extreme reaction, but it’s the likeliest of scenarios. Celebrities or
fictional characters only. Fictional characters don’t give two shits if you’re
crushing on them. And celebrities? Chances are they don’t even know who the
fuck I am. You think 2013’s Muse of the Year Ronda Rousey is just randomly
perusing my Deviant Art account or blog to see what I think of her? Bullshit,
she ain’t going anywhere near my social media. She’s got a lot on her mind,
like trying to figure out a way to get a rematch with Becky Lynch after the botched
ending to their triple threat match at Wrestlemania.
Last year’s muse was of course Sarah-Jane Redmond, the woman
who played Lucy Butler in the 1990’s TV show Millennium. I’m sure Sarah-Jane is
a wonderful human being in real life, but her character Lucy haunted my
creative daydreams for the whole fucking year in 2018. If not for her, first
draft novels like Silent Warrior, Beautiful Monster, and Incelbordination
wouldn’t have seen the light of day. Obsessing over seduction will do that to a
creative soul. Considering I’m in the process of rewriting Beautiful Monster
from the ground up, I’d say Ms. Redmond was a pretty effective muse.
And now that 2018 is in the rear-view mirror, who’s going to
be my muse for 2019? Well, this particular woman has been active in burlesque
performances since the early 90’s, so that’s a plus. A burlesque dancer being
an effective muse? Who would’ve thunk it? In terms of physical appearances and
sexual appetite, this woman shares some similarities with Lucy Butler. In terms
of alignment, however, they could not be more different. Instead of seducing
young men into becoming mediocre versions of themselves, this muse brings the
best out of every man she meets. She exudes class, calmness, and positivity. She’s
more than a pretty face. She lives her sexy gimmick in her everyday life. She
even joked about bathing in her lingerie. She’d totally do that. Without
further ado, let me introduce you all to Garrison Kelly’s 2019 Muse of the
Year: Dita Von Teese.
For some this is a controversial decision on my part. I
accept that. I’ve heard the stories about her relationship with Marilyn Manson.
I’ve heard stories about alleged arrogance. I’ve even heard something about her
being proud of having her image painted on a drone bomb. I don’t know the
intricate details of those stories and quite frankly I’m not going to try and
find out. The Dita Von Teese I know and love is calm in the face of sleazy
interview questions. She exits her relationships without lusting after her ex’s
money or possessions. Just watching her give interviews on You Tube makes me
want to up my creative game. Yes, her negative stories could be true, but
before I even have the chance to find out, I’m going to enjoy her image for what
it is: classic beauty that never goes out of style.
And as long as we’re talking about blog entries from
yesteryear, I’m sure most of you remember one I’ve posted about fan fiction
group therapy, where fictional characters talk about their feelings while
rocking out to heavy metal and eating high calorie foods. Well, I thought it’d
be a crazy, yet good idea to have sex therapy as part of this healing process.
Whether this fictional character needs a cuddle session, a back massage, or
something more, I’m sure it’ll serve a greater purpose beyond me fantasizing
about weird shit. Guess who will be the chief sex therapist at Crystal Mountain
So what kinds of works could she inspire with her positive
and loving aura? What kinds of stories could I write that would exude
happiness, lightheartedness, or at the very least psychological recovery? Well,
I’m not so sure using Dita Von Teese as inspiration would have been appropriate
for this, but Emilio and the Scratching Post is one such positive story. I plan
on submitting it to an anthology called Tales of the Siblings Not-So-Grim. That
title alone should be enough to clue you in on how lighthearted these stories
are. And of course, it doesn’t get more lighthearted than a cuddly old man
kitty looking for permanent love.
But until I get that story cleaned up spic and span, there’s
no reason why Dita Von Teese can’t be the inspiration for continuing the new
version of Beautiful Monster. I can’t picture her being in the same shadow as
Shelly Atwood, though. Shelly seduces men (and women) to their own doom, Dita
seduces them to greatness. She could be in the same shadow as either Tarja
Rikkinen or Llewellyn Xavier. Well, more likely Tarja because Llewellyn is Windham
I’ve wondered since last year who 2019’s Muse of the Year
would be and now I have my answer: a burlesque dancer who’s more than just good
looks. She turns beauty and nostalgia into an art form. And yes, she inspires
me to do better in my creative work. It’s almost like I’m trying to impress
Dita despite the fact that she’ll never find me online. Hmm….Anyways, I’m
Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing Crystal Mountain
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“I change my clothes ten times before I take you on a date.
I’m in a cold sweat, I panic, and it makes me late. I know you never asked for
this. I know my shots will always miss. Does everyone stare this way at you? I
only look this way at you. I change my clothes ten times before I take you on a
date. I get the heebie-jeebies and my panic makes me late. I break into a cold
sweat reaching for the phone. I let it ring twice before I chicken out and
decide you’re not at home. Does everyone stare this way at you? I only look
this way at you. I never noticed the size of my feet until I kicked you in the
shins. Will you ever forgive me for the shape I’m in? Does everyone stare this
way at you? I only look this way at you. I want to write you a sonnet, but I
don’t know where to start. I’m so used to laughing at the things in my heart.
Last of all, I’m sorry, ‘cause you never asked for this. I can see I’m not your
type and my shots will always miss. Does everyone stare this way at you? I only
look this way at you.”
-The Police singing “Does Everyone Stare?”-
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