Willow Heath vs. Nick Adams

 

Chainsword Chester John

VERSE 1

Give a man a chainsword, he’ll decapitate your ass

Teach him how to use it, he’ll cut the planet in half

He’ll turn alien warriors into soft mashed potatoes

Leave them stinking up the air like rotten tomatoes

Such is the life of Private Chester W. John

A space marine hero and a political pawn

Fighting a war across the dark side of the universe

Where treaties are nothing more than useless words

VERSE 2

If he questions the Sergeant, he’ll get locked in a cage

If he keeps it bottled up, he’ll have no outlet for his rage

“The hideous creatures have no dreams of their own

It’s either you with a medal or them with your bones”

Hack and slash while never sleeping a single wink

Chester’s meant to follow orders, not independently think

He’s got a construction job waiting at the end of his duty

Be a good little capitalist, not a pixie boy cutie

VERSE 3

The space war is over and he gets a shiny medal

Chester wanted a parade, but he’ll have to settle

For a discount at Hooters and Dave & Busters

With the little bit of money that he’s able to muster

His body’s back on earth, but his mind is out in space

It’s an ordinary life, but he’s got blood on his face

The tears never came and he’ll never be the same

But at least he got his fifteen short minutes of fame

VERSE 4

He tosses and turns in his bedroom at night

Submachine gun to his left, chainsword to his right

Everything around him looks like alien slime

In civilian life, they call his violence a crime

Nobody taught Chester how to turn it all off

If he tried it in the war, they’d call him soft

Those alien planets were where he truly belonged

Here come the hot tears, there’s no need to be strong

Chainsaw Channing Lugar

VERSE 1

Channing’s paycheck couldn’t buy him a feast

But he’s got beer and Netflix, at the very least

That’s what he gets for selling power tools

At the hardware store right out of trade school

Last thing he needed was the store to be robbed

What was there to steal? Nails and door knobs?

His nightmare came true at his work one day

“Stick them hands up or I’ll blow your ass away!”

VERSE 2

Robber opened the cash box and collected wallets

An act of patriotism is what he will call it

He needed the money to overthrow the “gum mint”

Buy some big ass bombs and some cool gun shit

He turned his back for a second too many

Just when he tried to squeeze out the last penny

Channing Lugar fired up the chainsaw

Morphed from working class stiff to a pain god

VERSE 3

The chase took place across several blocks

Robber left a trail of urine from his cock

Shit from his ass blew a hole in his jeans

Channing smelled Hooters steak and green beans

Even COVID deniers wanted to wear masks

Breathing human sewage is an unenviable task

Not nearly as bad as blood from the slash

Mutilation by chainsaw, corpse in the trash

VERSE 4

Is Channing Lugar a hero or a killer?

Not a rhetorical question or pointless filler

So many questions from lawyers and cops

They wade through blood and biological slop

Local news called him Chainsaw Channing Lugar

Said, “Hold my beer!” to Jason and Kruger

Going too far only works if you’re rich

Powerful too, not a working class bitch