***SHIPPING MEME***
During the past few days, I’ve been having conversations
with my friends Zero Urrea and Marie Krepps about how much fun it is to link
two things together with the letter X (a practice commonly found in Japanese
anime). Would you go to a concert that was featured as Korn X Starset? You’re
damn right you would! Would you ever play a videogame that featured the team of
Super Mario X M. Bison? Sure, why not? And of course, the X link is used to
signify collaboration between two romantic partners. Cloud X Tifa, Mario X
Peach, and Squall X Rinoa are all mainstream examples of this. You could also
mix and match between genres and canons…and genders. Would you ever read an
erotic fan fiction that featured Tifa Lockhart X Stephanie McMahon? You bet
your sweet ass!
Which brings me to something authors might have to deal with
if their work becomes famous enough: shipping. If you write a novel that’s
highly enjoyable, your readers are definitely going to want to tinker with
various combinations of characters as romantic couples, for better or worse.
You know who’s not okay with this? Anne Rice, who went to great legal lengths
to make sure her fans don’t do that to her books. Some people are okay with
this, others are not. More important is how you feel about your own fans doing
this to your books. Me personally? I think it’d be flattering no matter what
the combinations ended up being.
Unfortunately, I only have one edited and published novel to
my name and it’s not even a full length book, so I don’t have a wide roster of
characters to work with. Then again, if I include minor characters, this meme
could actually be lots of fun. So here’s how this works: I’m going to make a
list of Occupy Wrestling characters, use a number generator to randomly pick two
of them from that list, and discuss how they’d work as a couple. I won’t use
the same character twice and I’ll only generate five different couples. Are you
ready? I know I am!
- Debra
Winter, Human Valet
- Desilu
McCourt, Amazonian Knight
- Dovald,
Superhuman Knight
- Garra,
Superhuman Knight
- Hall
Markata, Undead Necromancer
- Jason
Finnegan, Human Wrestler
- Keegan
Day, Human CEO
- Mitch
McLeod, Human Wrestler
- Monzo
Bleeder, Orc Wrestler
- Nina
Jordan, Human Cop
- Riley
Warpthroat, Skeleton Knight
- Rosie
Rogers, Human Referee
- Snake
of Jehovah, Skeleton Monk
- Stephanie
McMillan, Human Wrestler
- Teiji
Roughhouse, Rat Wrestler
FIRST COUPLE: Riley X Keegan
THOUGHTS: Keegan’s blatant bigotry aside, these two would be
perfect for each other. They’re both hell-bent on dominating the wrestling
scene. They’re both sadistic. They can intimidate the hell out of anyone. And
lastly (and this is the most important part), they both look like they were
just brought to life by a necromancer. Maybe when these two are in the bedroom,
Keegan can use the Day Family Gem as a ball gag for Riley. Keegan does control
his minions with that magical MacGuffin, after all.
SECOND COUPLE: Snake of Jehovah X Dovald
THOUGHTS: Another pair of viciously monstrous villains?
Sure, why not? Though considering the fact that all Snakes of Jehovah look the
same covered up with monk robes and snake masks, Dovald could end up
accidentally cheating with another minion. But if that were to happen, how
exactly would they initiate the cheating? Snakes of Jehovah are skeletal
minions, with no sexual orifices or genitalia, so the closest Dovald could get
to achieving sexual pleasure is to take the snake mask off and go through the
eye sockets.
THIRD COUPLE: Jason X Stephanie
THOUGHTS: At least we’re back into normal territory since
they’re both humans. Plus, they actually have things in common that they could
bond over. They’re wrestlers. They’re despicable heels. They’re both
championship material. Ship them, damn it! There’s just one curiosity I have:
if Jason is a three hundred pounder who suffers a heart attack in the first
chapter, even if he lived through it, would he be healthy enough for sexual
activity? Would he have to be on bottom while Stephanie was on top? Would he
fall asleep halfway through and lose his erection? So many burning questions.
FOURTH COUPLE: Hall X Nina
THOUGHTS: Spoiler alert: Hall ends up using his necromantic
powers to raise Nina from the dead as an ash-covered zombie. I’m more curious
about what you, the readers, didn’t get to see when all that happened. You
think Hall is into that kinky shit? Does he forgo apps like Tinder and Grinder
and just settle for a trip to the cemetery? Well, he doesn’t have to anymore if
he’s got Nina as his minion. While Nina isn’t the most attractive woman in my book,
there’s something sexy about a woman in uniform.
FINAL COUPLE: Desilu X Debra
THOUGHTS: If it wasn’t for the fact that Desilu tried to
snap Debra’s spine in two with a camel clutch, this could actually be somewhat
normal. Debra is a bisexual who appreciates both masculine and feminine
features in both genders. Desilu is a big fucking Amazonian who knows how to
wrestle (not just in the ring). Hell, she could probably do a better job of protecting
her than Mitch ever could. That, and Desilu is happy to train Debra in
wrestling herself since that’s all Miss Winter really wants: to be
self-reliant. Of course, if Debra is that desperate for wrestling lessons, she
might have to take a serious beating at the hand of Keegan’s minions. Oh wait,
that already happened.
Okay, I must admit that I had fun doing this. Maybe I can do
it again when I publish another novel. Hell, even my unpublished first drafts
could use some love and war. What if I took Mario Bryan from Watch You Burn and
paired him up with Daniel Mercer from Demon Axe? Or as the Japanese would say,
Mario X Daniel. They’re both mentally ill, so they could help each other
through their toughest episodes. Mario is schizophrenic and Daniel has PTSD.
The two illnesses are similar to each other, but schizophrenia is a psychotic
disorder and PTSD is an anxious disorder. This could actually work! But that’s
a story for another day. I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you soon!
***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“Fifty Shades of Grey is
to literature what candy corn is to vegetables.”
-Bill Maher-
