Captain Evil

***CAPTAIN EVIL***

More often than not, when I’m writing a blog entry like this one, I like to joke about how nobody would take a villain named Captain Evil seriously. Who is Captain Evil? He’s my punch line for any villain who is evil for the sake of being evil. No motivations, no ambitions, no personality, just evil, evil, evil. Stomping on kittens, blowing up buildings, shooting up schools, all for the sake of being a massive dick. Do villains like these exist? Of course they do, but they’re mostly in golden age videogames and children’s cartoons.

If Bowser from the Mario Brothers franchise was renamed Captain Evil, nobody would even notice. He too has a one-track mind with not much dimension to him. Kidnapping Princess Peach seems to be his only motivation in life. But what does he do with her? Is he in love with her? Does it turn out at long last that Bowser is a horny incel? And if he’s really this big ass turtle warrior with a spiked shell and fiery breath, how come he has incompetent minions do his bidding for him? I know the early Mario games weren’t intended for deep thinking, but when you’re writing your own story, you really have no choice but to question a lot of these Captain Evil tropes.

But enough about Bowser and his two dimensions (both in terms of sprite graphics and character development). What about an actual person named Captain Evil? Is it really possible to redeem such a character? His name already gives off vibes of being a villain, much like the name Sweet Pea would lead you to believe she’s a protagonist. But what’s in a name? Does it say Captain Evil on his driver’s license? What if it’s just a catchy nickname? What if the guy who uses that name isn’t really evil, but just a really tough son of a bitch?

What if Captain Evil was the name of a military drill instructor who screamed at his privates all the time? Feel free to take that however you want. What if Captain Evil was a mixed-martial artist with an aggressive fighting style? What if Captain Evil was an actual supervillain? Could he still have multiple layers in his character development? Sure, he can! Maybe he doesn’t see being evil as a bad thing. Maybe he admits he’s evil and just doesn’t give a shit. Maybe it’s the world around him who gave him this label and he’s just rolling with it.

But the thing about multi-layered villains as that they don’t actually believe they’re the bad guy in their story. In fact, nobody in this world sees themselves as a villain despite the fact that they might do shitty things from time to time. Everybody has an original point of view, everybody has their own version of right and wrong, and our differences clash often. So even a guy with the name Captain Evil couldn’t see himself as a true villain if he has any chance at being multi-layered.

If you must make Captain Evil sympathetic, do it in a way that doesn’t involve a troubled past that leads nowhere. It’s a tired trope that only matters if executed correctly. If Captain Evil’s parents were killed, it has to lead to somewhere. If Captain Evil was bullied in school, it has to figure into the story somehow. If you’re just piling on problems for the sake of making a villain into a victim, you’re not doing yourself or your character any favors.

I know how ironic it seems to hear me say that since I too struggle with creating sympathetic characters. Then again, these days I struggle with every aspect of the writing game, whether it’s realistic dialogue, showing vs. telling, and of course, creating three-dimensional characters. I’ve been writing since 2002 and I still get it wrong from time to time. It’s almost as though I need someone to hold my hand for me as I cross the street. Although all first drafts by their very nature suck ass, some suck more than others. Some first drafts have an incomplete version of Captain Evil lurking in the background. I know a lot of mine do.

I’m not recommending you actually create a character named Captain Evil, unless of course it’s a challenge you want to undertake. If you like challenges and you like creating chicken salad out of chicken shit, then by all means, go for it. Some people thrive with minimal creative fuel. Some people need more to go by. As for myself, if I ever decide to create my own version of Captain Evil, I’m going to need all the help I can get from beta readers, editors, and Author Tubers with funny and helpful videos (I’m looking at you, Jenna Moreci).

Wait a minute…did I just namedrop Jenna Moreci? In a blog about Captain Evil? Her debut novel “Eve: the Awakening” has a character in it named Captain Ramsey. He was a former Navy Captain who now teaches combat classes at Billington University. He’s tough-minded, he’s hardcore, he’s a no-bullshit kind of guy. He doesn’t accept mediocrity from any of his students, least of all chimeras. Could he accept the nickname Captain Evil even though he’s technically one of the good guys? If we’re going by his no-bullshit attitude alone, then yes, I can see him earning that moniker. And wouldn’t you know it? He’s three-dimensional too!

If Jenna Moreci can successfully create Captain Evil, you can too and so can I! Let’s create an army of Captain Evils together! We’ve got this! No challenge is too big for us! I’m Garrison Kelly! Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight! Anyone who can guess where my new sign-off phrase comes from gets a free cookie. It’ll be a digital cookie, but it’ll have chocolate chips nonetheless. Or if you’re an Oreo guy, you can have that too.

***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER***

I’m looking at all the time stamps in which I completed these twenty-four chapters so far and holy shit, are they spaced out. Twenty-four chapters so far with three remaining on deck. I didn’t begin rewriting Beautiful Monster until late November last year. That means it took me over half a year to rewrite a novel that normally takes me two months at most. I don’t like to beat myself up over little shit, but goddamn, that’s got to be the longest I’ve ever spent on a WIP. Then again, I’ve also had quite a few creative and real life projects on my plate in lieu of Beautiful Monster. My Jack and the Beanstalk parody Emilio & Marigold dominated a good portion of my year. So did reading the shortest books in my library and reviewing them all. So did writing short stories and poems for the WSS on Good Reads. I can’t blame it all on psychological torpor, but since Impostor Syndrome is a bitch….Anyways, I wrote chapter twenty-four earlier today, so I’m a happy motherfucker. Windham finally swears! Yay! And I’m not just talking about damn and hell either. He dropped an F-bomb on Shelly like it was an actual nuclear warhead. You want to know what he said to her? “FUCK LOVE!” Speaking of which…

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Binary lie never scratch it on my skin. But you’d loved to see the mark just to fill the blackness in. I know what you are. You’re the last thing I see as my lungs fill. I’ll be goddamned if you didn’t love the sin while you offer up advice just to keep your secrets in. I know what you are. You’re the last breath I breathe as my lungs fill. Fuck love! It only goes away. There’s no goddamn good in this goodbye you made me say. Don’t love ever again. Fuck love! Your promise was in vain. There’s no goddamn good in this goodbye you made me say. Don’t love ever again. Counting all the days that deception was the game. I lived every day just to keep my promises. I can’t hide the scar. Now my last breath is yours and my lungs fill. Didn’t see the snake that was signaling the change. I’ll be damned for my sleep but still I hold you to blame. Still hold you to. Fuck love!”

-All That Remains singing “Fuck Love”-

***POST-SCRIPT***

Do any All That Remains fans out there get the feeling that “Fuck Love” was written about Oli Herbert’s relationship with his wife before he died? I don’t want to peddle conspiracy theories, but…

"Eve: the Awakening" by Jenna Moreci

BOOK TITLE: Eve: the Awakening

AUTHOR: Jenna Moreci

YEAR: 2015

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Science Fiction

GRADE: Pass

X-Men meets Mississippi Burning in Jenna Moreci’s debut novel, Eve: the Awakening. College student Evelyn Kingston is part of a race of powerful superhumans known as chimeras, the most hated culture in this futuristic world. After a lifetime of racist cruelty, Eve just wants to blend in as a normal human and leave her past behind. Studying at Billington University seems like her perfect escape until she learns that alien warriors known as Interlopers are murdering chimeras left and right. Having xenophobic humans and Interlopers to fight off all at once, it’s amazing that she gets any peace and quiet at all. Maybe running away isn’t the answer. Maybe confronting her demons is closer to the truth.

The racist characters that Eve has to put up with in this story are grating to read about, especially as they come in large doses all at once. The worst offenders of the bunch are easily Heather, Madison, and Hayden, who live up to the Mean Girls stereotypes in every way from being spoiled and rich to being downright nasty with their dialogue. Chin Dimple, a football jock in Eve’s combat class, is every bit as vicious with his fighting abilities as he is with his sexism and racism. Dr. Richards is the evil teacher that Pink Floyd warned us about: condescending, conformist, and intolerably angry. There are more villains in the book who act like Trump supporters on steroids. Much more! Sometimes it’s unbearable to read about, but that’s the whole point: to make readers uncomfortable and make them question the hatred around their own world.

In addition to characters the reader loves to hate, there are eventual allies for Eve that can be easily rooted for. The relationship she forms with fellow chimera Jason Valentine is charming on all levels, though you’ll have to wait patiently to get what you want out of this pairing. Dr. Clarke is a breath of fresh air when it comes to teachers since he’s progressive and caring instead of a blatant racist like everyone else. Even though Captain Ramsey, the combat instructor, is a hardnosed, tough guy teacher, it’s hard to root against him due to his sense of loyalty and genuinely wanting the best for Eve and her friends. Allies like these and many more come later in the story, but we as readers are thankful they’re here. After all of the hatred Eve endures up until that point, she could use a few heroes by her side. I like being able to escape from the horrible stuff every now and then, just like Eve wanted to escape from her past. Good on you, Ms. Moreci!

Let’s talk for a minute about the fight scenes, whether they’re from combat class, with Interlopers, or with other students. These scenes are so well-written that I can legitimately get excited for them whenever they arrive on the page. Every punch, every kick, every fired bullet, no matter what action is being performed in combat, you can bet your bottom dollar that it’ll hurt the reader as well as the characters who’re fighting. The way Jenna Moreci describes bruises, blood loss, broken bones, and explosions makes me believe that someone’s life really is at stake, which is how all fights should be portrayed. The higher the stakes, the more believability every fight has. Excellent work on this front!

The racism against chimeras as well as the drama of school can get on the reader’s nerves all too easily. But I urge you all to press on and not tap out so easily. This is a brilliantly-written book from beginning to end. The author makes life so difficult for Eve in this book that her odds of surviving at all are slim to none. The key word is surviving, because if she doesn’t get past these roadblocks, she will die. There’s no in between for Eve, no shortcuts to victory. She either lives or dies by her own prowess. That alone should be enough reason for you to pick up a copy of Eve: the Awakening. A passing grade is what Jenna Moreci deserves for her debut novel!