***CAPTAIN EVIL***
More often than not, when I’m writing a blog entry like this
one, I like to joke about how nobody would take a villain named Captain Evil
seriously. Who is Captain Evil? He’s my punch line for any villain who is evil
for the sake of being evil. No motivations, no ambitions, no personality, just
evil, evil, evil. Stomping on kittens, blowing up buildings, shooting up
schools, all for the sake of being a massive dick. Do villains like these
exist? Of course they do, but they’re mostly in golden age videogames and
children’s cartoons.
If Bowser from the Mario Brothers franchise was renamed
Captain Evil, nobody would even notice. He too has a one-track mind with not
much dimension to him. Kidnapping Princess Peach seems to be his only motivation
in life. But what does he do with her? Is he in love with her? Does it turn out
at long last that Bowser is a horny incel? And if he’s really this big ass
turtle warrior with a spiked shell and fiery breath, how come he has
incompetent minions do his bidding for him? I know the early Mario games
weren’t intended for deep thinking, but when you’re writing your own story, you
really have no choice but to question a lot of these Captain Evil tropes.
But enough about Bowser and his two dimensions (both in
terms of sprite graphics and character development). What about an actual
person named Captain Evil? Is it really possible to redeem such a character?
His name already gives off vibes of being a villain, much like the name Sweet
Pea would lead you to believe she’s a protagonist. But what’s in a name? Does
it say Captain Evil on his driver’s license? What if it’s just a catchy
nickname? What if the guy who uses that name isn’t really evil, but just a
really tough son of a bitch?
What if Captain Evil was the name of a military drill
instructor who screamed at his privates all the time? Feel free to take that
however you want. What if Captain Evil was a mixed-martial artist with an
aggressive fighting style? What if Captain Evil was an actual supervillain? Could
he still have multiple layers in his character development? Sure, he can! Maybe
he doesn’t see being evil as a bad thing. Maybe he admits he’s evil and just
doesn’t give a shit. Maybe it’s the world around him who gave him this label
and he’s just rolling with it.
But the thing about multi-layered villains as that they
don’t actually believe they’re the bad guy in their story. In fact, nobody in
this world sees themselves as a villain despite the fact that they might do
shitty things from time to time. Everybody has an original point of view,
everybody has their own version of right and wrong, and our differences clash
often. So even a guy with the name Captain Evil couldn’t see himself as a true
villain if he has any chance at being multi-layered.
If you must make Captain Evil sympathetic, do it in a way
that doesn’t involve a troubled past that leads nowhere. It’s a tired trope
that only matters if executed correctly. If Captain Evil’s parents were killed,
it has to lead to somewhere. If Captain Evil was bullied in school, it has to
figure into the story somehow. If you’re just piling on problems for the sake
of making a villain into a victim, you’re not doing yourself or your character
any favors.
I know how ironic it seems to hear me say that since I too
struggle with creating sympathetic characters. Then again, these days I
struggle with every aspect of the writing game, whether it’s realistic
dialogue, showing vs. telling, and of course, creating three-dimensional
characters. I’ve been writing since 2002 and I still get it wrong from time to
time. It’s almost as though I need someone to hold my hand for me as I cross
the street. Although all first drafts by their very nature suck ass, some suck
more than others. Some first drafts have an incomplete version of Captain Evil
lurking in the background. I know a lot of mine do.
I’m not recommending you actually create a character named
Captain Evil, unless of course it’s a challenge you want to undertake. If you
like challenges and you like creating chicken salad out of chicken shit, then
by all means, go for it. Some people thrive with minimal creative fuel. Some
people need more to go by. As for myself, if I ever decide to create my own
version of Captain Evil, I’m going to need all the help I can get from beta
readers, editors, and Author Tubers with funny and helpful videos (I’m looking
at you, Jenna Moreci).
Wait a minute…did I just namedrop Jenna Moreci? In a blog
about Captain Evil? Her debut novel “Eve: the Awakening” has a character in it
named Captain Ramsey. He was a former Navy Captain who now teaches combat
classes at Billington
University
If Jenna Moreci can successfully create Captain Evil, you
can too and so can I! Let’s create an army of Captain Evils together! We’ve got
this! No challenge is too big for us! I’m Garrison Kelly! Until next time, try
to enjoy the daylight! Anyone who can guess where my new sign-off phrase comes
from gets a free cookie. It’ll be a digital cookie, but it’ll have chocolate
chips nonetheless. Or if you’re an Oreo guy, you can have that too.
***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER***
I’m looking at all the time stamps in which I completed
these twenty-four chapters so far and holy shit, are they spaced out.
Twenty-four chapters so far with three remaining on deck. I didn’t begin
rewriting Beautiful Monster until late November last year. That means it took
me over half a year to rewrite a novel that normally takes me two months at
most. I don’t like to beat myself up over little shit, but goddamn, that’s got
to be the longest I’ve ever spent on a WIP. Then again, I’ve also had quite a
few creative and real life projects on my plate in lieu of Beautiful Monster.
My Jack and the Beanstalk parody Emilio & Marigold dominated a good portion
of my year. So did reading the shortest books in my library and reviewing them
all. So did writing short stories and poems for the WSS on Good Reads. I can’t
blame it all on psychological torpor, but since Impostor Syndrome is a
bitch….Anyways, I wrote chapter twenty-four earlier today, so I’m a happy
motherfucker. Windham
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“Binary lie never scratch it on my skin. But you’d loved to
see the mark just to fill the blackness in. I know what you are. You’re the
last thing I see as my lungs fill. I’ll be goddamned if you didn’t love the sin
while you offer up advice just to keep your secrets in. I know what you are.
You’re the last breath I breathe as my lungs fill. Fuck love! It only goes away.
There’s no goddamn good in this goodbye you made me say. Don’t love ever again.
Fuck love! Your promise was in vain. There’s no goddamn good in this goodbye
you made me say. Don’t love ever again. Counting all the days that deception
was the game. I lived every day just to keep my promises. I can’t hide the
scar. Now my last breath is yours and my lungs fill. Didn’t see the snake that
was signaling the change. I’ll be damned for my sleep but still I hold you to
blame. Still hold you to. Fuck love!”
-All That Remains singing “Fuck Love”-
***POST-SCRIPT***
Do any All That Remains fans out there get the feeling that
“Fuck Love” was written about Oli Herbert’s relationship with his wife before
he died? I don’t want to peddle conspiracy theories, but…
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