***IMPOSTOR SYNDROME VS. ARROGANCE***
Last year when Hollow Hills put together the Still Standing
anti-bullying anthology, Aurora Styles wrote a blog entry joking about how that
book should be known as “The Curse of the Self-Loathing Authors”, or something
to that effect. It was true. There was something about writing that book that
made the authors, myself included, feel unsatisfied, like they have Impostor
Syndrome. While it’s nice to be humble throughout your writing journeys, you
have to believe in yourself at least a little bit in order to get shit done.
I must confess that I’ve struggled with Impostor Syndrome
since I began writing and editing Emilio & Marigold for this year’s Hollow
Hills anthology. I held such a negative opinion of my own writing that I
actually started having anxious thoughts about potentially being fired from
Hollow Hills. Of course, it would take more than writing a mediocre story for
that to happen, but anxiety is anxiety and it doesn’t give any quarter. I’m not
looking for sympathy nor am I fishing for compliments. I’ve dealt with the
beast of Impostor Syndrome before and I can deal with it again. Beside, the
anxious thoughts about a potential firing went away after twenty-four hours.
That’s it.
It seems as though I’ve spent a good while trying to find a
balance between Impostor Syndrome (extreme self-doubt) and arrogance
(unjustified self-esteem). The middle passage is somewhere out there. I’ve got
to find it. Just like I’ve got to find the middle passage between Mary-Sue
characters and those whose flaws make them the most hated characters in my
story. If you throw a pin into a gigantic pool of water, that’s where the
middle passage is. Some authors have found it, others have not and their
writing suffers because of it. Oh, there goes my Impostor Syndrome again!
In case you’ve ever felt like you were alone in this, know
that you’re not. I don’t want to say that Impostor Syndrome is a necessary part
of the creative process, because it’s not. Sure, you need to recognize your own
flaws as an author and work on strengthening them. Sure, you need to take
criticism gracefully and use it to build a strong foundation. But when your Impostor
Syndrome is all-consuming, it can have some detrimental effects. I’m not saying
I have the cure for what ails you, because I don’t. All I know is that some
days you’ll feel like you can take on the world and other days you’ll feel like
dog shit. Can you do anything about this? Can you have more high days than low
ones? Hmm…
Not to let my Impostor Syndrome kick in again, but I really
didn’t plan this blog entry through very well. I’ve got one page worth of text
and I’m guessing it’s about five hundred words long, which is a thousand less
than a novel chapter or short story usually is. Don’t worry, I don’t have my
compliment fishing rod and tackle box out and I’m not a gold medalist in the
Oppression Olympics. I’m just working through some things right now, that’s
all.
You know what would work great for my Impostor Syndrome?
Being able to rest my head on someone’s lap while they stroke my hair. It
sounds perverted on the surface and that’s probably why my short story
Schizophrenic Playboy wasn’t a smash hit anywhere that I posted it. But you
know what? It doesn’t have to be perverted. It can be completely platonic.
Gender wouldn’t even matter to me. Just resting my head on someone’s lap would
feel nice right about now. I’ve been watching a lot of Cuddle Sanctuary videos
lately, so that might be where I’m getting this from.
Do any of you struggle with Impostor Syndrome? I bet I’ll
get a shit ton of yeses to this question, but I figured I’d ask anyways. What
are some of your coping techniques? Do you just push through the days and hope
that you’ve got more good days than bad ones? I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you
feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!
***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER***
In between edits of Emilio & Marigold, I’ve been quietly
writing new chapters of Beautiful Monster and the next one will be number
twenty-three. In this chapter, Windham , Llewellyn,
and Tarja are taking shelter in a cave on the beach and they’re trying to
figure out a plan to reclaim the Xavier
Village
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“Rape me. Rape me, my friend. Rape me. Rape me again. I’m
not the only one. Hate me. Do it and do it again. Waste me. Rape me, my friend.
I’m not the only one. My favorite inside source. I’ll kiss your open sores. I
appreciate your concern. You’re going to stink and burn.”
-Nirvana singing “Rape Me”-
***POST-SCRIPT***
I feel that Nirvana’s anti-rape song will become a rallying
cry for Windham Xavier throughout Beautiful Monster’s final five chapters. I’m
strangely okay with that. It’s certainly more appropriate than “I’ll Be Over
You” by Toto, which is what I’ve proposed for the first draft. The first
draft…Millennium for emo kids…(shivers). Goddamn Impostor Syndrome!
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