Zombie

“Read me the summary on this one,” said Gail Reinhold, a red trench coat donning paladin with a sword slung over her back and a good reason to use it most of the time. In this holy church of Paladine with oak-smelling pews and beautifully-lit stained glass windows, it was just her and Deacon Simms, the latter of which held the clipboard with all of the information Gail needed.

Simms flipped through the pages and read out loud, “The subject’s name is Mattie Dent. She’s a 25-year-old space mercenary with a rap sheet that includes murder, aggravated mayhem, drug trafficking, and manslaughter. She was taken to the basement of our church because she overdosed on combat drugs and has become violent with our fellow priests.”

The dark-skinned, black afro-haired deacon flipped back to the front page and shook his head no before saying, “I have to be honest with you, Gail. This woman seems like a lost cause. The basement is supposed to be a place where drug addicts can get clean. Miss Dent is so far gone that she doesn’t know what she wants anymore, except to beat up more of our priests.”

“Is she safely secured?” asked Gail.

“Indeed she is. She’s strapped to one of the beds right now with everything that’s capable of holding somebody down. We’ve got chains, leather belts, handcuffs, nylon wrappings, the works. She’s going to have to be bound down until all of the drugs are out of her system. Even then, she could still be dangerous given her criminal history.”

Gail placed a comforting hand on Simms’ shoulder and said, “You should know me better than that by now. This is my church and as long as it is, I will not give up on anyone who comes here. This Mattie Dent may be somewhat of a project for me, but I’ve had tough clients come here before with worse problems.”

“Are you sure about that?” asked Deacon Simms.

The paladin hung her head in contemplation for a moment and said, “Trust me on this one, Simms. I don’t give up and I don’t lose. She’ll come around eventually. If she’s a deadly warrior like you say she is, then there might be a possibility of her joining our ranks as a paladin.”

“I hope up and down to God above that you’re right about this one, Gail. If not, we’ve got a lot of problems on our hands.”

The two church officials crossed themselves before Gail proceeded to make her way to the basement. She was walking much slower than usual as if she allowed the gory details of Mattie Dent’s file get in her head. Then again, the other thing currently occupying space in her head was the mantra of not giving up and never losing. Cautious though she may be, Gail was deemed ready for whatever was waiting downstairs.

The entry to the basement was hidden behind a bookcase full of old religious texts. Descending those stony stairs gave most people chills up and down their spines, darkness aside. Climbing into the unknown wasn’t nearly as scary as passing through the thick wooden door. Calling the basement a dungeon wasn’t appropriate given the church’s good intentions, but that didn’t make things any less frightening.

In a dimly lit room full of empty beds, crucifixes, refrigerators, and bookshelves, the one bed that stood out the most was the one containing the zombie-like Mattie Dent, who was covered in every wrapping known to man as Deacon Simms pointed out. The thick-skulled, ratty-haired warrior stared into the ceiling with neon green eyes and a series of low growling hums to herself. She truly did look like she was brought back from the dead.

Gail Reinhold tiptoed over to the drugged out mercenary and spoke to her in a gentle whisper. “Good morning, Miss Dent. I’m Gail and I’ll be your counselor for the day.”

Even a hardened warrior like Gail was jumpy when Mattie let out a monstrous roar accompanied by wolf-like chomps from her powerful jaw. The groans were getting more intense with the holy fighter’s presence before Mattie yelled, “Get these fucking straps off of me, you disgusting street whore! I don’t belong here! I have a paycheck to collect and asses to beat! You can either unhook me from this goddamn bed or I’ll break free myself and snap your ass in half!”

The whirlwind of growling curse words caused Gail’s heart to race and her head to lighten. She had seen a lot of crazy things in her day, but this was the first time she met someone with such an overwhelming amount of aggression. Gail was a fighter by nature, so that was saying something.


And because she was a fighter, she had no choice but to steel her spine and stare Mattie down with deadly eyes herself. “Listen, Miss Dent. I want to help you in whatever way I can. But if you continue to sweat at me and make threats, I’ll have to keep you in your binds indefinitely. You caught me off guard for a little while, but if you think I’m going to run away from someone like you, you’re dead wrong. Now tell me, Mattie, how many combat drugs did you take at once?”

The drug zombie chomped and roared once more as she struggled with her bindings. Her answer in no uncertain terms was, “I took a whole shit-load of drugs! I love drugs! I love sex! And I love rock and roll! Not necessarily in that order!”

“Shut up!” snapped Gail, which seemed to hold Mattie’s silent attention for a while. “The more you fight the system, the harder the system is going to fight back. I don’t care who you are or what kind of life you lead. Physical combat will only take you so far. But if you think you’re going to battle with the world and you’re going to win, then you’ve got some serious waking up to do, little girl. You’re in my care now, sister. I don’t take excuses and I don’t give handouts. If you fail this drug program, I will not hesitate to turn you over to the authorities. Do you understand me?”

“Shove it up your ass, bitch!” growled Mattie as she thrashed and slashed some more. Gail folded her arms and watched this pathetic attempt at freedom unfold before her. The paladin could just stand there and stare daggers all day long while the mercenary roared and thrashed about. And then the miracle of all miracles happened: Mattie relaxed into her bed and started crying her eyes out, her tears goopy and thick.

“It’s okay to cry, Mattie,” said Gail, who still maintained a stoic presence. “You’re not the first one to do it and you won’t be the last. Given everything you’ve been through in your life, I’d be worried about you if you weren’t crying. But know this: your tears are not a Get Out of Jail Free card. While I am not without sympathy, I am without weakness. I don’t give up on my clients now matter how erratic they become. If you want to get out of this mess, then I expect you to show the same courage. Agreed?”

After a few more sobs, Mattie said, “You church people are all the same. You think you can change the world just by preaching lines from a stupid book. Your god may be real to you, but for me, the only thing that’s real is the paycheck I get from stomping heads in the ground.”

“Well,” said Gail. “That’s going to have to change if you want to…”

“You’re damn right I did those drugs!” shouted Mattie as she struggled some more. “I did those drugs because I want to win! I want to kick ass! I want to burn the world to the ground! But more importantly than that…I want to burn this whole goddamn church to the ground with it!”

The psychotic drug zombie gave one more trash and snapped her bindings like the bones of her many victims. She was free and started to sit up, while Gail backed up slowly in horror. The paladin drew her sword and activated a magical lightning current around the blade. She’d been put into situations where she had fight viciously, but never had Gail killed one of her patients before. She was determined not to start at that moment.

Mattie leapt from the bed only to be met with a stream of lightning shooting into her chest. With any luck, her heart rate would slow down and she’d fall asleep. The only effect Gail’s magic had, however, was slowing down the drug zombie’s walking speed. The holy warrior threw a more powerful stream of lightning. And another. And another.

Her bolts became progressively stronger, but it didn’t matter to Mattie, who backhanded Gail’s sword away and lunged for the paladin with huge monster hands. The paladin scrambled on the floor in an attempt to retrieve her sword, but she was kicked in the ass and sent flying over one of the beds.

Mattie was feeling so powerful in her green, muscular, drugged-out body that she beat her chest repeatedly with iron fists before letting out another terrifying growl at Gail. The paladin rolled over on her ass and crab-walked backwards out of fear for being eaten alive by this lunatic. With no sword, it appeared as though Gail was done for.

The mercenary leaped toward her prey like a tiger and was ready to devour her. Mattie then had a thick blanket thrown in her face and she was struggling to get it off her head. Gail’s newfound courage allowed her to stand up again and go around the beds throwing blankets and comforters over Mattie’s head. The angry mercenary was so enraged that her intensity built up as she tried to unwrap the blinding laundry from her screaming head.

Mattie then grabbed the sheets all at once and ripped them in half like a pro-wrestler with his shirt, growls and rage included. She looked around and saw that Gail was running toward her fallen blade once again. In this heated race for the steel weapon, Mattie had her monstrous hands held high and was ready to wrap them around her counselor’s throat. Just one squeeze and Gail would burst like a pimple.

But there was no squeeze, only a hard impalement through Mattie’s stomach from a lightning enchanted sword. Gail held onto the hilt of the blade and pumped more electricity through Mattie’s body, causing huge explosions of yellow puss and blue blood everywhere. The basement was beginning to look more dungeon-like with every burst. And then the drug zombie melted into a puddle of multi-colored bile and flooded the floors with her biological slop. She died in the most disgusting way possible.

Gail never had to kill one of her own patients before and knowing she did just that caused her eyes to bulge, her skin to sweat, her breathing to hasten, and her legs to weaken. She took a seat on one of the beds as tears poured from her eyes. She may have defeated her toughest opponent to date, but this was no victory for her.

The sounds of light footsteps came down the stairs and Deacon Simms sheepishly poked his head through the doorway. “Is everything alright down here?”

Through a sobbing voice, Gail answered, “No!”

“Why not?”

“I…I failed her, Simms. I thought I could change her. I’ve never given up hope on anyone before. She gave me no choice and I had to kill her. I can’t be a member of this church anymore, it’s impossible.”

Simms tiptoed his way around the flood of bodily fluids and digested combat drugs in order to sit next to Gail. He allowed her to rest her head in his lap while he stroked her long raven hair. “Some people don’t want to change, Gail. The only way you can ever help someone is if they want to help themselves. Mattie Dent clearly never wanted help. She wanted to go out in a blaze of glory.”

“But…I’ve never lost before, Simms. I’ve always stayed with the people who came here.”

Deacon Simms patted Gail Reinhold on the head and said, “Anybody can lose just one time, Gail. Nobody goes through life undefeated. Sometimes, you can’t reform people who don’t want to be reformed. Sometimes…you just have to kill them. God gave you that sword for a reason, Gail: because one of these days, you’re going to have to use it again. And again. And again.”

The Broken Skull Mercenaries

TEAM NAME: The Broken Skull Mercenaries
TEAM MEMBERS: Andrew Bradley, Mitch O’Connor, Jill Henderson, and Mattie Dent
OCCUPATION: Mercenaries
CANON: Garden of Evil


For those of you who actually read Garden of Evil back in 2012/2013, to clear up any confusion, Andrew Bradley, the unofficial leader of this team, used to be named Andy Bryan. His name was tweaked because I already have enough characters in my archives with the last name Bryan (Mario, Wade, Tina, Chris, etc.). I just thought I’d throw that disclaimer out there for those who really are concerned, which might be a small number of people, but they’re people nonetheless. Anyways, on with the show!

Garden of Evil started out with two scientists combing through the mercenaries’ permanent records and being scared out of their mind by what they say. Aside from the fact that these mercenaries had scars all over their faces along with bad haircuts and bad dental hygiene, they’ve also been involved in a number of mass murders (long before they met and became mercenaries). Other charges included rape, torture, kidnapping, human trafficking, and drug distribution. All of these charges rolled up into one would send a normal human being to prison for a sentence that lasted a millennium.

But instead, being stranded on Mars with a bunch of bloodthirsty dinosaurs would be a better answer for these psychotic pariahs. They thought they were going there for a fruit plucking mission to sustain earth’s food supply. Hell, they even laughed about it because the mission assignment had the word “fruit” in it, which is also a homophobic slur. But once their ship touched down on Mars’ surface and the mercenaries got out, their ship flew away on its own and pretty much left the four criminals to their own devices.

If there was ever a time for good teamwork and unconditional cooperation, this would be it. The dinosaurs are fucking huge and fucking nasty. They consider tiny humans like The Broken Skull Mercenaries to be breath mints. While Mitch O’Connor is down with the idea of watching each other’s backs, Andrew Bradley becomes a selfish leader and is willing to sacrifice his own teammates to ensure his safety. Apparently, Mr. Bradley isn’t quite used to the fact that he’s stranded on Mars forever and isn’t going back to earth anytime soon.

Because of Andrew’s arrogance, Mattie Dent and Jill Henderson become his sacrificial pawns and die saving his life. Jill and Mattie are no angels, but they clearly deserved better treatment from someone they’ve worked with for many years now. Mitch O’Connor wasn’t going to have any of it, though. As soon as Mitch discovered that the “fruits” were actually quick-acting steroids that gave humans a fighting chance against dinosaurs, he took them all for himself while Andrew was left to die on the ground with a fractured spine. Jill and Mattie had already been killed, so it was too late for Mitch to save them. But in his mind, living on Mars and psychotically slaughtering a bunch of dinosaurs was his idea of paradise. Turns out dinosaur meat tastes like chicken.

Garden of Evil made for some badass science fiction. There was lots of bloodshed and lots of high-octane action. But unfortunately, gratuitous violence is not an automatic recipe for success unless you’re watching WWE or UFC. In the world of literature, Garden of Evil would have been laughed at by snot-nosed editors around the world. Not only are The Broken Skull Mercenaries far from sympathetic in their villainy, but the pace of the writing doesn’t keep up with all of the hardcore violence.

I’ve gotten better at writing faster-paced stories, but I’d still like to have something to do with these four insane criminals. That’s why if they get used again, they won’t be the protagonists since there’s absolutely nothing the readers can relate to. After all, my target audience for these four isn’t the entire roster of a super max prison. If they’re going to be characters in my stories, they have to absolutely be antagonists. They’re Complete Monsters whom I’m pretty sure everybody wants to see die brutal deaths. Well, I’m all about customer service, so if they’re going to die, they’re going to die…but not without a blood-soaked battle! Dun-dun-dun!

　

***POLITICAL QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“The FCC (Federal Communications Commission) decided all by themselves that radio and television were the only two parts of American life not protected by the free speech provisions of the first amendment of the constitution. Why did they decide that? Because they got a letter from a minister in Mississippi. Reverend Donald Wildmon heard something on the radio he didn’t like. Hey, Reverend! Did you know that there are two knobs on the radio? One of them turns the radio on and off and the other changes the station. Imagine that, Reverend, you can actually change the station. It’s called Freedom of Choice and it’s one of the principles this country was founded upon. Look it up in your local library, Reverend, if you have any left after you’ve finished burning all the books!”

-George Carlin-