“The meat supply is growing thin, my pretties. Looks like
we’ll have to go back to eating our fruits and veggies,” said Tina Rabbit,
watching her forest creatures licking and gnawing at various humanoid
skeletons. The bones varied in shapes and sizes. Though they would be
unrecognizable to the naked eye, Tina remembered them all.
A family deer licked the femur and forearm bones of a
widened skeleton which once belonged to an orc, judging from its massive and
rotting fangs. Squirrel children frantically ran and played between the eye
sockets of an unfortunate gnome corpse. One gray wolf rolled over on its back
and gnawed away at an ordinary human bone, almost crushing it between its
mandibles. White rabbits played hide and seek underneath the ribcage and spinal
cord of a formerly obese ogre.
All Tina could do was smile upon her furry children. She
flipped her long brunette hair backwards and fiddled with her gray dress as she
admired her fuzz buckets’ handiwork. “It’s been a while since we’ve had
uninvited guests in our forests. I love tender ribs as much as you guys, but I
love peace and quiet even more. No harm shall come to my babies or my trees.”
She leaned down and stroked a wolf’s ears as it chewed on a skeletal forearm. “I
love you all. Each and every one of you. Gather around for a…”
A crow’s squawking interrupted her sentence as the jittery
bird of prey circled above Tina. She held out her arm and allowed the little
guy to land on her wrist. “What’s wrong, my feathery friend?” she asked in her
usual calm voice. “Don’t tell me we have more visitors.” The crow shook and
squealed as it tried to find refuge underneath her druid’s gigantic sleeves.
“It’ll be okay, little man. Mommy will take care of it.” She pointed her index
finger at the rest of her friends and demanded, “Remember, don’t come swarming
in until I tell you to. We lose too many furry friends that way.”
The forest creatures continued chewing and fiddling with the
humanoid remains while the crow darted out from under Tina’s sleeve and flew slowly
enough so that she could follow. The trees in this forest were large enough to
hide the most suspicious activity from plain sight, but if there was yet
another criminal deal going down in Tina’s neck of the woods, the meeting place
would have to be carefully thought out. It would have to be so unobvious
that…”Wait a minute…you’re kidding me…”
Tina didn’t have to walk far at all. This new business deal
was happening right along the dirt path and there was already a bush for her to
crouch down in. “The arrogance of these people…at least he’s got some meat on
his bones,” Tina muttered to herself.
And why wouldn’t this buyer be arrogant? He towered over his
seller at a whopping seven feet tall. His chiseled body looked like it had
medicine balls stuffed in it. He didn’t even have to wear elaborate armor, just
legless red shorts, brown leather boots, black straps across his chest and
back, and a dark hood over his head that made him look like an executioner
ready to chop someone’s head off. To Tina, however, he closely resembled an
S&M store that blew the fuck up. She couldn’t help but smile at the same
time she was pissed off at the man’s superiority complex.
The seller was a mirror image of his towering client:
skinny, frail, covered in baggy robes and an oversized hood, his fingers
elongated and bladed, his appearance kept quiet to those with naked eyes. It
was amazing that he found the strength to hold a steel briefcase that could
double as a tower shield. What wasn’t nearly as impressive was the seven foot
tall gimp tossing a sack of gold coins his way and the seller nearly falling on
his ass.
“Okay, you little shit,” belted the giant. “All five
thousand gold pieces are in that bag. If you don’t believe me, try doing bicep
curls with it. Now open the goddamn briefcase and show me what you’ve got.”
The seller gently set the money bag on the ground and
twirled his hands around the metal case. “Forged in the fires of hell itself, strong
enough to slay the mightiest gods, deadly enough to burn entire cities to a
blanket of ashes…I give to you…” He unlocked the briefcase and unfolded what
appeared to be a rusty trident. “The Cluster Fork!”
Tina giggled through her nose and had the two businessmen
looking around for potential spies. She put her hand over her mouth and
crouched down even lower.
The buyer swiped the trident out of the seller’s hands and
swung it around with as much effort as a toothbrush. He even used the middle
tip to pick his teeth and the other two tips to scratch his back. “Not bad,” he
said sarcastically. “But how the hell is this supposed to be worth five
thousand gold pieces! I can’t even buy a whorehouse full of slutty women with
that kind of money!”
“That’s no ordinary trident, Mr. Jackhammer.”
Tina giggled again, but still managed not to attract
attention her way.
Waving his hands over the rusted weapon, the seller said,
“The Cluster Fork has been passed down from several generations of demonic
forces. Entire wars were won with this piece of weaponry. Religions were split
apart by this trident’s might. The Cluster Fork…”
Tina figured “Mr. Jackhammer” had enough of the hokey
salesmanship as evidenced by the seven-footer jabbing the seller through the
heart with the trident. That wasn’t where the heinous assault ended. A fiery
circle formed around Mr. Jackhammer and melted not only his opponent’s corpse
into ashes, but also the bushes and trees in his vicinity.
One of the trees had a crow’s nest inside. The family of
scavenger birds angrily flocked around their attacker’s head and pecked at his
face like their beaks were deadlier than medieval weaponry. Jackhammer put and
end to the assault by grabbing all of the birds in one massive hand and
crushing them into bloody feathers.
“Oh no…no, no, no…no…” Tina whispered as tears ran down her
face. She tried to keep quiet as she snorted mucous up her nose, but
accidentally let a scream slip when a family of grizzly bears came out of
hiding and surrounded Jackhammer for a beat-down.
The giant stabbed one of the bears through the gut and slung
his now fiery body around the others, reducing them to barbecued meat done a
little too well. Jackhammer raised his weapon high in the air and laughed like
a madman as a flaming aura danced around his already powerful body.
Tina couldn’t stop screaming at the instant horror as
Jackhammer laid devilish eyes on her. He pointed the Cluster Fork at her and
growled, “Ain’t so funny now, is it, bitch? Go ahead! Laugh it up! I double dog
dare you! Don’t be shy!” No response, only jitters. Animals of all kinds,
squirrels, wolves, deer, and birds, flocked away from the roaring inferno and
all Tina could do was stand there with vibrating legs. “Answer me!” Jackhammer
shouted.
She couldn’t answer, so a running deer did it for her when
it bucked her on its back and carried her deep into the woods to safety. Tina’s
wobbly legs made it difficult for her to stay upright during the chase and she
came close to falling off several times. Jackhammer on the other hand had no
problem sprinting through the woods lighting trees and shrubbery blaze. Another
deer tried to kick him in the ribs, but all it got in return was a trident up
the ass.
Tina shrieked and kept one hand over her eyes while the
other was on her mount’s antlers. Images of her fluffy friends dying left and
right in mass genocide assaulted her mind and sped up her heartbeat. Her blood
grew colder and her skin dampened like a waterfall. After the deer halted and
Tina stopped mumbling whiny slogans to herself, she slowly lifted her head to
see that she was indeed underneath a waterfall and she wasn’t going crazy.
“You think a little bit of water is going to stop me?! I’ve
seen infected pussies that were wetter than that!” barked Jackhammer with a
fiery background behind him and his arms folded.
Tina slipped off the deer’s spine and backed up a few steps
alongside her animal companions. She wanted to form a snappy comeback, but all
that came out of her trembling lips was slobbery drivel.
“What’s the matter? Cock got your tongue?!” Jackhammer
chuckled. “That’s okay. You’ll have plenty more reasons than that to be on your
knees for me. I’m your majesty now! I rule over everything! Now be a good
little girl and take off that sexy dress for me!” He licked his lips and caused
Tina to shiver even harder than before.
She didn’t want to look her potential rapist in the eyes.
She didn’t want to look at any other part of his body either. Instead her mind
was pumped full of images of fiery treetops falling left and right. And then
she had an idea, but her anxious tummy told her not to use her animals like
that. Then again, her options were limited. It was too late for this forest. It
would forever be known as a criminal hideout for shady deals. Mother Nature had
been too kind to these crooks even in death. But it wasn’t too late for one
more forest…
As Jackhammer cupped his ear and mockingly listened in for a
response from Tina, she swallowed a lump and raised her finger in the air
before casting it down upon her opponent. Swarms of squirrels and rabbits
crawled all over Jackhammer’s body, leaving little rabid bite marks in their
wake. Tina made a slash mark across her throat and instructed a deer to kick
the trident out of Jackhammer’s hands, which it did after several long seconds
of the giant snapping the necks of the little creatures.
“Damn it!” Jackhammer shouted repeatedly as he chased after
the trident, which was being sucked down the stream and into the waterfall.
Tina instructed the wolves to bite at his ankles while she instructed a nearby
grizzly to knock down a burning tree over the distracted giant. Not only were
his legs bleeding buckets, but the tree found its mark: right over the skull of
the arrogant giant.
But it didn’t faze Jackhammer. It just made him smile evilly
at Tina, who slowly backed up as he stalked upon her. He threatened, “I can get
the trident later. I’ve already got a spear I can impale you with!” He dropped
his legless shorts and exposed his ugly, mushroom-infested dong to her. Tina
was so busy looking away that she plopped backwards into the water, not knowing
where to go next.
“Open wide, little lady!”
She reached behind her and felt something sharp. Deer
antlers! It felt so wrong to use a corpse in such a way, but when she
fearlessly jammed the antlers into Jackhammer’s crotch, he bent over and howled
in misery. But he ripped them out and tossed them aside like it was nothing
despite the heavy bleeding. His smile grew wider and more sadistic. While deer,
wolves, and bears ganged up on the seven foot savage, Tina swam away feeling
like a coward.
The sounds of animal bones crunching and flesh being ripped
and shredded pounded her brain and caused her to swim faster. She picked up her
speed again when she heard the familiar leather boots clomping beside her.
Every animal and every weapon tested against this giant failed to keep him down
for long. And then…she threw something else at him. Something random. Something
unexpected. And as soon as she threw this final weapon, Jackhammer’s agonizing
cries were accompanied by crackles of fire.
Tina turned around and used a nearby deer’s antlers to help
her out of the water. But she saw the same thing her companions did: burning
flesh, blackening blood, and a once indestructible god turning into a pile of
rotten meat and ashes. All because he had the Cluster Fork sticking out of his
chest.
She couldn’t celebrate yet. She dashed over to him and
collected his ashes in her front dress pocket before yanking the trident free.
She and her animal companions outran the growing fire that consumed their home.
Tina’s legs were still wobbly and she almost fell back into the water, but she
was carried by a grizzly bear at the last minute. For now she could relax, but
even that was impossible with all the violent imagery her mind played out for
her.
Tina couldn’t even dream the hour away. A numbed out brain wouldn’t
let her. Adrenaline kept her nerves ice cold. Her heart wouldn’t stop beating.
She kept expecting either a fiery trident or another kind of “spear” to assault
her any moment now. She watched her forest home go up in smoke. All that was
left for her was this new grassy field where a significantly smaller animal
army greeted her with sympathetic licks and head bumps.
“I’m sorry, my friends,” she cried. “Your home is gone.
Everything we’ve worked to build is gone. Mother Nature lost. She never loses. I
don’t even know if we can start over again…unless…”
Tina wiped multiple tears from her eyes and sprinkled
Jackhammer’s ashes amongst the empty dirt. Multiple animal minions brought
their dead loved ones into the pile as well as the bones of previous criminals
who made deals in the now burning forest. They all gathered around with Tina
leading them in a speech.
“You see this, everyone?” she said while choking back more
tears. “The rain will come again one day. And when it does, these ashes and
bodies will grow into another tree. And from that one tree, a new forest will
grow. Life will begin again. But that won’t be for years to come. Mother
Nature’s rebirth is always a slow one. But what shall we do for now? How shall
we sustain ourselves until those years pass?”
Turned out the grass was quite delicious to the animals as
they munched on it with fervor. If Mother Nature yielded these tasty results in
such a short amount of time, perhaps the rebirth of the forest wouldn’t take
long either. Tina smiled and fell on her back before releasing more tears to
rehydrate the ground. The wolves licked her tears clean, signifying forgiveness
for being used in combat so recklessly. It was their home too and they had the
right to defend it. She hugged them around their necks and tried to fall asleep
in her new cuddle-puddle, but to no avail.
