"Born a Crime" by Trevor Noah

BOOK TITLE: Born a Crime: Stories from a South African Childhood

AUTHOR: Trevor Noah

YEAR: 2016

GENRE: Nonfiction

SUBGENRE: Apartheid Memoir

GRADE: Extra Credit

Before he replaced Jon Stewart as the host of The Daily Show, Trevor Noah had a difficult childhood in both Apartheid and post-Apartheid South Africa. Having a white father and a black mother, Trevor was already the product of racist laws that could have kept him and his parents imprisoned for several years. He spent most of his childhood in hiding to evade the police, which included not being around his white father as often as he wanted in order to keep the subterfuge alive. With poverty, an abusive stepfather, and life in general working against him, Trevor still managed to keep his sense of humor intact with the help of his jovial, yet strict mother, who he credits as his number one fan.

This glimpse into Trevor Noah’s life is as educational as it is entertaining. It’s a firsthand look into how structural racism worked in Apartheid-ruled South Africa and how it’s still alive in the world today. Racism isn’t just about calling somebody the N-word or beating black and colored people to death. It’s psychological torture as well. The whites in charge purposefully divided their non-white peers into separate groups and treated them as less than human. The education was watered down, the living conditions were crappy, poverty was by design, and violence became a social norm. None of that changed after Apartheid was over, in the same way that structural racism never ended after slavery in America. You can change the laws all you want, but the damage has already been done. The damage continues to be dealt in subtle ways behind the scenes of politics. The one thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history.

Because Trevor grew up with an abusive stepfather named Abel, his memoir also gives us a glimpse into how psychologically torturous domestic violence is. Abel was regarded as a nice guy around town who would always help out those in need. That was the disguise he needed in order to secretly beat Trevor and his mother and get away with it every time. Trevor’s mother was met with skepticism from the police every time she tried to file a report. Abel would always be apologetic and life would go on happily for a while until the next beating. The scary thing about him was that he was always calm and collected when he struck his family. He wasn’t as psychotic as The Joker or dramatic as Darth Vader. He was just a regular guy with a good reputation outside of home. Even when he would drink himself into stupidity, he always came across as a cool guy. Those are the worst kinds of villains that are too realistic for superhero movies. Trevor Noah was haunted by this man’s evil deeds for many years to come. Abel is still walking around South Africa today as a free man. How sick is that?

Through all of the racism, violence, and troubled times, Trevor Noah never let any of those things strip away his individuality, morals, or sense of humor, all of which he got from his loving disciplinarian mother. She always taught him how to question everything and never lose sight of who he was. And that’s the thing with Apartheid: the education quality for blacks and colored people is significantly reduced for the sake of maintaining the status quo. Without an educational mother who bought him books and allowed him to explore the world beyond his impoverished home, Trevor wouldn’t be the well-informed man he is today. There are none so blind as those who will not see, and Trevor Noah’s eyes were wide open. He had a rough childhood, but without it, his worldview would have been watered down to where he could never fill Jon Stewart’s shoes, let alone live his own way. Trevor lives life with no regrets and that’s something we all need to learn if we’re to move forward.

The eye-opening educational aspects as well as the humorous writing style make Born a Crime a must-read for anybody who wants to explore the world without actually being in the crossfire of South African racism. Trevor Noah went through hell so that he could nourish the world with love and thoughtfulness. His story is genuine and his emotions are passionate. He could never be bitter, because bitterness would strip away everything he worked so hard to become. An extra credit grade is what this book deserves, nothing less, maybe more.

Looney Tunes

***LOONEY TUNES***

Do you feel like the world’s getting you down? You hate your job? You hate school? You don’t have many friends? Tragedy strikes in the strangest places? If you ever want to be lifted up from your slump, all you have to remember is…the Looney Tunes can make anything funny. Anything. No matter how dark or depressing the subject matter, Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Elmer Fudd, and all of those wacky characters can make light of it with their over-the-top antics. George Carlin once told his audience to “picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd” and they laughed like hyenas. I know you did too, because George Carlin and Looney Tunes go together like cherry pie and whipped cream. Wait a minute, that sounded dirty!

The Looney Tunes are funny because no matter what happens to them, they’ll always be alive and well during the next cartoon. There was an entire cartoon dedicated to Elmer Fudd shooting Daffy Duck’s beak off multiple times. Low and behold, Daffy didn’t die; he just kept telling Bugs Bunny how despicable he was. So if Looney Tunes characters don’t die, that means the animators can subject them to any kind of inhumane torture they can think of and nothing will happen except for audience laughter. Suppose Elmer Fudd is strapped to a torture table with a ball gag in his mouth while a circular buzz saw is being lowered into his stomach. It’s horrifying as hell when it happens to Ryu in the Ninja Gaiden arcade game from the 80’s, but if it happened to Elmer Fudd…shit, I’m chuckling just thinking about it!

It’s safe to say that the Looney Tunes have been a major influence in some of my writing. It’s especially evident in my Poison Tongue Tales stories “Forever Autumn” and “Sitka the Nose Biter”. The main character in the former, an elf sorcerer named Mathias, gets a coconut dropped on his head and stars circle around him while a big fucking knot forms on his dome. In “Sitka the Nose Biter”, whenever the eponymous kitty Sitka would bite someone’s nose (surprise, surprise), instead of exploding like a blood bomb, their noses would make honking sounds, like a clown horn or a goose squawk.

The Looney Tunes influence is something that spans multiple generations, not just to small children looking for cheap laughs and pointless violence. My mom loves the Bugs Bunny cartoon where the baby buzzard searches the desert for Bugs in an attempt to bring home dinner for his demanding mother. Mom especially loves the way the baby buzzard says, “Oh, no, no, no, no, no!” in a deep and goofy voice. Another one of her favorites is when Bugs Bunny gives Gossamer a mouse trap manicure. “Monsters have the most INTERESTING fingernails!” The cartoons in general are cute and cuddly despite the fact that they feature anthropomorphic animals getting blown up or shot. I always make the joke to my mom that it’s cute whenever Elmer Fudd goes hunting, but it’s disgusting when Ted Nugent hunts. I’m not wrong.

I know it seems like I’m preaching to the choir when I’m singing the Looney Tunes’ praises. They’re universally loved and continue to be relevant in today’s world. Quite frankly, we could use a little more Looney Tunes influence in a world full of bad shit. When I posted the #MeToo blog entry a few weeks ago, it was one of my most sobering experiences. After reliving those horrible moments, I had to be reminded that the world is a funny place full of funny people. The Looney Tunes will never judge me. They’re too busy blowing each other up and being cute little cuddle muffins.

Maintaining a sense of humor throughout all of the world’s tragedies is paramount to happiness. If you don’t buy the Looney Tunes example, then buy the Trevor Noah example I’m about to present you with. I’m currently reading “Born a Crime”, a memoir by Mr. Noah detailing his childhood in Apartheid-ruled South Africa. As someone who’s biracial, he was loathed by pretty much every ethnic group in his home country. He could have sealed himself off in his room and brooded for the rest of his life, but he didn’t. He developed a sense of humor and won the hearts of so many people that he’s now the host of The Daily Show. Good things do happen when you want them to. Positive attitudes aren’t just new age mantras; they’re tools for survival. We’ve got ears, say cheers! Actually, since this blog is about the Looney Tunes, a-beep, a-beep, a-beep, that’s all, folks!

***POISON TONGUE TALES 2: THE RIGHT TO REMAIN PSYCHOTIC***

Would you believe it if I told you I only have six more stories to write for this series and then I’m done? Where did all the time go? Holy shit! For the sixth to last short story, I’ve got something called “Thor and Gore”. It goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

1. Thor, Cannibalistic Zombie
2. Kyle Houston, Lead Vocalist of Resistance
3. Resistance, Heavy Metal Band
4. Nameless Fans and Bouncers

PROMPT CONFORMITY: To be announced.

SYNOPSIS: Resistance is playing a show at the Tiger Dome and Thor is a member of their audience. Other concert attendees think it’s okay to piss him off by pouring beer on his head, throwing popcorn at him, and moshing roughly with him. Underneath his gargantuan frame lies a bloodthirsty monster who takes his aggression out on those who wrong him by biting and slashing them. The bouncers are powerless to stop Thor and it doesn’t help matters that the members of Resistance are encouraging his behavior by playing louder.

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Because Thor was drawn and uploaded earlier today, Kyle Houston is naturally the next in line for a drawing. Since he’s a heavy metal vocalist, I’m trying to figure out who I should use as my reference model. Ivan Moody? Phil Anselmo? Randy Blythe? Corey Taylor? So many options, so little time!

***FACE BOOK POST OF THE DAY***

When I was a teenager doing Mad Libs with my family, James would always want me to skip my turn whenever the narrator asked for an example of a liquid. I still to this day wonder what would make him do that. Hehe!

We Own the Night

***WE OWN THE NIGHT***

Zombie brain happens to everybody no matter how good they are at hiding it. Sometimes your brain is so exhausted that you don’t feel like doing shit that day. You’ve overworked yourself the previous day, you’re stressed out, you didn’t sleep well, whatever the case may be, you’re not immune. It’s especially frustrating when you’re scrolling for memes on Face Book and see one that says, “You should be writing!” Yes, I understand that it’s meant to be motivating, but sometimes it can feel like a slap in the face to someone having a zombie brain day.

The operative word in that last sentence is “day”. You can go through the whole day snoozing and lazing about, but when the stars and moon light up the night sky, you own that motherfucker. You’ve gotten nothing done during the daytime, but it’s not too late to get shit done in the darkest hours of the night. All you need to tell yourself is…”We own the night!” Whether you’re getting shit done at 10:30, midnight, or 3:00 in the morning, you’re telling your zombie brain to go fuck itself and you’re defying the odds. And then when you wake up the next day, you can do it with a smile knowing the previous night’s darkness brought out the beast within you. You’re an artistic werewolf. You’re a vampire thirsting for the blood of your characters. And it feels soooooo fucking good!

Sometimes when I’m lying awake at night, lyrics for a song idea will come to me. And then the clock strikes two in the morning and I disconnect my oxygen mask to go write those lyrics down. That same night, those lyrics are live on my social media account and I go to bed a happy man. It’s better to lose a few hours of sleep if it means you’ll remember how your story or poem is going to be written. When you wake up in the morning, it could all disappear and the world will never know.

I tell you this personal story not to brag, but to let my audience know that owning the night can be done. If Donald Dumbass can tweet insensitive shit at three in the fucking morning, you can write something better around the same time at night. If you’ve spent the whole day being mentally fried, your energy could potentially come back to you by the time darkness falls. Everybody else in the house is snoozing soundly, so you have no distractions. It’s just you and your limitless imagination. And once you’ve finished, you can drift off into cloudland and have weird ass dreams about being naked in high school…or is that just me?

I hope I don’t sound too much like those Face Book memes that shame people for not writing. If you must tuck yourself in after a long day of zombie brain, you most certainly can do that. If you don’t own the night, you can certainly own the next day. And the day after that. And the day after that. And so on and so forth. But there will be some days where you don’t feel like doing a goddamn thing, and that’s okay, because we’re all human beings. Zombie brain is a universal problem no matter how much people brag about being hard workers. Sometimes zombie brain is your mind and body’s way of telling you to slow the fuck down. Even Vin Diesel in the Fast & Furious movies has to know when to slow his driving down. Why do you think there are so goddamn many of those movies to begin with?

Do you own the night or are you a daywalker? Does your current schedule allow you the kind of creativity you want to produce? Always make time for what you dream of doing…even if that time is seven minutes past Zombie O’clock. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

***POISON TONGUE TALES 2 & DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

I’m sure you’ve all noticed that I have drawings on my social media accounts of Ronan Crow and Kain Venomtongue. That’s because those two are a major part of my next Poison Tongue Tales 2 story. It’s called “Dark Marriage” and it goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

1. Kain Venomtongue, Elf Warlock
2. Ronan Crow, Bird Swordsman
3. Sheryl Sweet, Human Bride
4. Nameless Snake Minions

PROMPT CONFORMITY: To be announced.

SYNOPSIS: Kain is at the top of his ziggurat getting ready to forcibly marry Sheryl through a necromantic ritual. The Dark Marriage will give Kain authoritative and magical powers since Sheryl is the daughter of a powerful wizard king. Sheryl is bound to a crucifix with a ball gag in her mouth while the snake minions line up on either side of the ziggurat’s stairs. Ronan has been charged with the task of rescuing Sheryl before the ritual is allowed to take place. He has little time to complete his mission and a small army of opponents to battle through.

EXTRA NOTE: Sheryl Sweet is next on the chopping block for the Dark Fantasy Warriors series. I’ve been debating with myself if I want to draw her while she’s strapped to the crucifix. Imagine the kind of reference picture I’d have to search for on Google to get that effect. It would be…weird to say the least. Hehe!

***BORN A CRIME***

I’m sure you guys have also seen reviews on my social media accounts of Kick-Ass 3 and Fang and Claw, two badass books that have earned passing grades. I expect my next reading adventure, Born a Crime by Trevor Noah, to be enjoyable as well. How can you go wrong with Trevor Noah? He’s the host of the Daily Show for a reason: because he’s funny and eye-opening at the same time. Born a Crime is a memoir detailing his childhood in apartheid-era South Africa. The book was originally a Mother’s Day present for my mom and she loved it to pieces. Now she’s given it back to me so that I can have the same educational experience as she did.

***PHONE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

ME: Hello?

MOM: Is this the person to whom I’m speaking?

ME: Who else would it be?

MOM: Good answer, Garrison!