Bill Maher: A Fall From Grace That Left a Hole in the Ground Like Wile E. Coyote

 

Rebecca Watson vs. Christopher Hitchens: New Atheism, Same Conservative Bigotry

 

I Love You, John Oliver, It's Nothing Personal

 

John Oliver is hilarious as fuck, but there's a reason his fans call Last Week Tonight the most depressing comedy show of all time.

Mickey Atkins vs. Bill Maher

 

25 Things That Got Me Through 2020

Earlier today, Ian Danskin aka Innuendo Studios put out a video on You Tube detailing 25 things that got him through 2020. If it’ll help me form at least a modicum of a positive outlook on life and help me fight depression, I’d like to make my own list of 25 things. Here you go!

1. 30 For 30: Nature Boy (ESPN Documentary)

2. Andre the Giant (HBO Documentary)

3. BoJack Horseman: Season One

4. Cold Wind by CJ Box

5. Dark Side of the Ring

6. Doggolescence by Rachel Oates

7. Five Finger Death Punch: F8

8. Force of Nature by CJ Box

9. Idiocracy

10. Inglorious Basterds

11. Kind of Like Life by Christina McMullen

12. Knives Out

13. Mega Man X Soundtrack

14. Papa Roach: Scars en Espanol

15. So Much I Want to Tell You by Anna Akana

16. Solomonster Sounds Off

17. System of a Down: Protect the Land/Genocidal Humanoidz

18. Tales of the Siblings Not-So-Grim

19. Ted (Seth MacFarlane movie)

20. The Hunger Games: Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins

21. The Liberal Redneck Manifesto by Trae Crowder, Corey Ryan Forrester, and Drew Morgan

22. They Called Us Enemy by George Takei

23. World Heroes 2 Soundtrack (Arcade)

24. Wrestle Talk TV

25. Zombieland

Andre the Giant

 MOVIE TITLE: Andre the Giant
PRODUCER: HBO
YEAR: 2018
GENRE: Wrestling Documentary
RATING: TV-14 for violence and language
GRADE: Extra Credit

Seven feet and four inches tall, well over four hundred pounds, undefeated for fifteen years in professional wrestling, first ever WWE Hall of Famer, and above all else, a literal larger than life character. When the name Andre the Giant is mentioned, these are the descriptors that come with it and it was a solidly earned reputation. Wrestling fans wanted to see a godlike attraction, so they dished out large sums of money to see him destroy his opponents like they were nothing. The wrestling business wouldn’t have boomed in popularity if not for Andre’s mystique and extraordinary presence. Watching this HBO documentary on him made me believe in the legend all over again. It made me nostalgic for the “good old days”, at the risk of sounding like an old codger. I gave up watching pro-wrestling in 2018 due to how bad the WWE product had become. Seeing Andre in action being a dominant beast and making fans go absolutely bananas rekindled a tiny spark within me. It made me believe in the “never say never” idiom. Andre died in 1993, but his memory lives forever. This documentary was the perfect way to keep him immortal in the eyes of wrestling fans both old and new. It’s certainly more respectful than a yearly WWE battle royal where the winner achieves minimal success shortly thereafter.

One thing you can’t say about Andre the Giant was that he was a Gary-Stu, or a character so flawless that they become unrelatable. On the contrary, he was incredibly flawed. People think that being a gigantic tough guy is the ultimate ticket to being taken seriously and not being messed with. Fans messed with him a lot. They pointed and laughed at him. They said horrible things about his appearance, like a high school bully would do relentlessly in order to get his target to commit suicide. You would think that macho pro-wrestlers didn’t have sensitive sides, but Andre cried every time he was picked on by snickering fans. On top of all that, being that big comes with physical hardships as well, whether it was his failing organs, crooked spine, bad hips, or arthritic knees. Peers would often joke about Andre’s drinking habits and how he could go through a hundred cans of beer in a single sitting. He drank because he was depressed and couldn’t cope with the physical and emotional toll constant travel took on him. He couldn’t even sit in a normal sized car seat or rest in a normal sized bed. He also couldn’t be there for his daughter Robin when she needed him the most. Seeing this very human side to a deified wrestler reminds us over and over again not to judge a book by its cover and not to wish we could swap lives with other people. Everyone has their own set of hardships and everyone deals with them in their own way. It certainly makes his death that much more difficult to hear about from the perspectives of his colleagues, who also cried, by the way. The gentle giant deserved better than a slow and painful death. It makes me wonder if a Hall of Fame induction and a namesake battle royal are really enough to do him justice.

You know what does do him justice? His main event match at Wrestlemania III against Hulk Hogan for the WWF Championship. This wasn’t just two big guys having a hoss fight. There was a story behind this. This was Andre being taken seriously as a villainous character when he had spent most of his career being a gentle soul. This was Andre posing a credible threat to WWF’s golden goose. This was Andre severing a brotherly bond he had with Hulk Hogan just for a shot at a money-making championship. Hulk Hogan fought through his own tears and gave a resounding “Yes!” in the most emotional delivery possible when the challenge was laid down. The match itself wasn’t a technical masterpiece, but the documentary did a tremendous job in showing the psychology behind it, both backstage and in the ring. Could Hulk Hogan slay the giant and become a megastar that could carry the company through its darkest times? When he finally did with a body slam and leg drop, the audience cheered their heads off. I wanted to cheer my head off too. I wanted to be there in the building to see it happen, but I didn’t live in Detroit at the time. The energy, the emotional investment, the storytelling, they created a perfect storm when Andre’s defeat burst Hulk Hogan into the stratosphere. Again, this was oftentimes a slow and plodding match due to Andre’s mobility issues, but the magic was still there. The magic will always be there thanks to HBO keeping the memory alive.

I don’t give five-star ratings out so lightly, but for this documentary, I’ll gladly fork it over. One way to earn the maximum rating from me is to evoke emotions that I don’t ordinarily feel from movies and TV shows that I just like. HBO’s documentary did just that. It made me fall in love with wrestling again (even if I refuse to watch the current WWE product). It hurt to see Andre in so much agony, be it emotional or physical. It lifted me up whenever his peers would talk about his sense of humor and his kind demeanor outside of the ring. Was he a god on a worldwide level or was he a human being who longed for an normal life from time to time? The correct answer is yes. Rest in peace, Andre the Giant. It’s been many moons since your passing and we still miss you to this day. That’s the mark of a true legend: when you transcend your own death.

Already Dead

VERSE 1

Your comedic delivery fell on deaf ears

Loyal sheep were the only source of cheers

You exploited death just for a punch line

Shrugged your shoulders like it was all fine

You’re not funny, if you were, I would laugh

You used to be cool in the distant past

Now that my eyes are wide fucking open

I know what the hell a clichéd trope is

CHORUS

He’s already dead

Can he finally rest?

He’s already dead

Enough with the mess!

VERSE 2

You’d commit necrophilia just for a joke

Commit grave robbery to spite the woke

Keep your millionaire ass from going broke

Keep your career from going up in smoke

The ones who loved him want your head

You should be the one on your deathbed

You should be the one who is violated

You’re the only one who is overrated

CHORUS

He’s already dead

Can he finally rest?

He’s already dead

Enough with the mess!

BRIDGE

Heaven forbid we be entertained

Heaven forbid you use your brain

Heaven forbid you get off the hate train

Heaven forbid we’re absolved from shame

VERSE 3

You call us immature for our literary tastes

When it comes to autocracy, we’re to blame

I never knew until now you were full of shit

But you disguise your hatred as a comedy bit

I’m changing the channel to something better

While you’re looking for a safe space protector

You can dish it out, but can’t take the heat

Everybody knows you’re easy to defeat

CHORUS

He’s already dead

Can he finally rest?

He’s already dead

Enough with the mess!

FINAL LINE

Excelsior, motherfuckers!

"A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo" by Jill Twiss

BOOK TITLE: A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo

AUTHOR: Jill Twiss

YEAR: 2018

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: LGBT Children’s Book

GRADE: Extra Credit

In the stuffiest room in the white house, there lived Marlon Bundo, a lovable bunny rabbit whose grandpa is the dull and boring Vice President Mike Pence. Feeling lonely in his little room, Marlon hops out into the garden and meets another beautiful male bunny named Wesley. The two rabbits fall in love and decide to get married so that they can hop everywhere forever. The only thing stopping them is the strict rule of Mr. Stink Bug (an obvious Mike Pence parody), who says that boy bunnies can only marry girl bunnies. Only when the creatures of the garden come together for a democratic vote can Marlon and Wesley show Mr. Stink Bug that love trumps hate.

If you’re a regular viewer of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver like I am, you’ll know exactly why this book was published: to screw with hard-right homophobe Mike Pence. Anytime that the LGBT community gets to shine its brightest colors is a good day for the world at large. There’s too much bullying and hatred against these poor folks, so any victory they achieve in the name of social justice should be celebrated. What better way to celebrate than with a cute and cuddly gay wedding between two sweethearted bunny-pies?

Speaking of things that are cute and cuddly, that’s another aspect of this book that will earn critical acclaim. Your smile will get bigger and goofier when you see Wesley and Marlon hopping around together like sweet little bunnies should. The other garden animals from the puppy-duppy to the turtle will also steal your heart. And then when the wedding finally happens, you’ve got little mice and porcupines dressed up in their Sunday best, which always looks adorable. You’ll be saying “aww” throughout the entire book. Not even the inner ugliness of Mr. Stink Bug will ruin your experience because once again, love trumps hate and his hateful ways won’t last forever.

So now that we’ve got our LGBT pride and cuteness nailed down, the only other thing to discuss is how important democracy is, since it plays a vital role in the book’s ending. I know there are times when democracy seems dead as a doornail. I know we don’t always like our choices between candidates. I know the people in power like to make voting difficult for the less fortunate. I know it seems like elections can be bought and sold like Wal-Mart goodies. But just like in this book, the power of your vote is more urgent now than it has ever been. If you don’t vote, the Mr. Stink Bugs of the world will.

One hundred percent of the profits from this book will be donated to LGBT charities specializing in suicide prevention and AIDS research. Even if you don’t have children of your own, you’ll still enjoy this book to its fullest extent for all of the reasons I’ve listed above. If on the other hand you do have children, let them know that being different is okay and should be celebrated rather than feared. Nobody is truly alone in this world despite the negative pressure dictating otherwise. An extra credit grade will go to this beautifully crafted book with a positive message and cuddly characters.

Real Time with Bill Maher

TITLE: Real Time with Bill Maher

GENRE: Political Debate and Comedy

RATING: TV-MA for strong language

GRADE: Depends on the episode

As I write this review for my lovely audience, I don’t want any of you to think this is me putting the boots to Bill Maher. I have a lot of respect for him both as a comedian and as a political commentator. In case you haven’t figured it out from my internet postings over the years, I have very strong liberal beliefs. In 2004, I voted for John Kerry and in 2008 and 2012, I voted for Barack Obama. Naturally, I agree with the things Bill Maher says almost 90% of the time. I especially enjoyed what he had to say about the recent police brutality incidents going on all over the country.

As far as his talk show goes, it’s not Bill Maher himself who makes or breaks each episode. It’s his fucking guests. Some episodes, his guests are polite and have great conversational chemistry together, and that goes for both liberal and conservative guests. Despite being on the opposite side of the political fence as him, I actually think Steve Schmidt, John McCain’s campaign advisor, carries himself in a calm, intelligent, and respectful way and having him on the show is always good to see.

And then there are those episodes where the guests are at each other’s throats like it’s an episode of WWE Smackdown. You know the guests I’m talking about: always interrupting each other, always talking loudly, always saying rude shit, and in some cases always taunting the audience. Does anybody remember the episode where Christopher Hitchens flipped off the audience? How about the ones where Dana Rorabacher created a sonic boom with his dialogue alone.

While it is true there are more rude conservative guests than liberal ones, there are liberal guests who are capable of holding Bill Maher’s show hostage. Gary Schandling answered his fucking cell phone in the middle of a political discussion. Roseanne Barr had more dialogue in one show than most guests have in multiple episodes. The biggest example of a show hostage taker is one I know I’m going to regret saying, mostly because he recently committed suicide. I’m talking about Robin Williams, who on one episode interrupted everybody with random jokes and committed the mortal sin of interrupting Bill Maher’s New Rules segment.

Bottom line: it’s not just being liberal or conservative that can make a guest annoying. It’s the way that guest presents himself on television to an audience who really just wants to see Bill Maher pop off jokes. The problem with his show is most of the time he invites crazy guests who destroy the whole night for the audience. At that point, I’m not even sure if New Rules can make me laugh since I’m too angry from all the fighting among the guests.

Mr. Maher, I’m not saying this to be mean to you, I’m saying it to you as a fan and hopefully a friend someday. Have a filter for the people you invite on your show. Dana Rorabacher already ruined one show with his shrill screaming, so don’t bother inviting him back on the set. I could also tell you were getting sick of SE Cupp’s ageist jokes when you had PJ O’Rourke as the final guest. You probably invite these lunatics on your show as a way to boost ratings. Trust me, Bill, this is not the way to get high ratings. If you want a pro-wrestling example of bad TV gone even worse, I’ve got three letters for you: WCW.

"The George Carlin Letters" by Sally Wade

After watching George Carlin perform on one of his crazy HBO specials, would you have guessed that he was a loving family man who constantly wrote love notes to his second wife Sally Wade? Take your time in digesting this information. Cycle through all of the times he said that he enjoys car crashes and hurricanes before picking up a copy of “The George Carlin Letters” by Sally Wade. The book is described as a romantic comedy and justifiably so. Throughout the love notes that George wrote to his wife is one with a drawing of a bald woman that said, “If you shaved your head I would still love you (note the hard nipples)”. That’s one of my favorites and that’s just getting to the back cover. Other love notes include references that Sally and George are from Jupiter since their romance transcends earth’s boundaries and rules. Notice how he didn’t say Saturn, because people from Saturn are assholes. Then again, I’d be an asshole too if I had a bunch of space junk circling my planet. Martians and Venusians are alright, though. In fact, there’s a slim chance that Sally and George’s longtime doggy-wog Spot might be a Venusian. There are tons of references to Spot throughout the book. And why not? He’s such a little cutie pie! Plus, that’s all life ever was to George: a series of dogs. Does any of this sound giggly and romantic to you? It should. It’s a heartwarming love story that makes you glad that it’s nonfiction. Sally even describes being married to George as the best ten years of her life. But all good things must come to an end eventually. In 2008, two days before George and Sally’s tenth anniversary, George passed away and left the world a darker place than it already was. Sally could have made this near-end of the book into a somber funeral if she wanted to. But instead, she maintained the giggly spirit of the book and made references to George making contact with her from the other side alongside Spot, who also died during the marriage. Sally says that George still visits her whenever she takes a shower. Not just because she needs reassurance, but also because she happens to be naked. That’s our George! We’re all going to miss him dearly. Even though he said otherwise during his 2008 HBO special It’s Bad For Ya, he probably is smiling down from heaven. He’s probably not running the heavenly branch of the Make-a-Wish Foundation, so don’t count on any favors. If you want true romance, don’t buy a cheesy Harlequin book. Buy “The George Carlin Letters” by Sally Wade!

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“I’ve got an idea for an abortion pill that works only half the time. It’s called Baby Maybe!”

-George Carlin-

"The New Rules" and "The New New Rules" by Bill Maher

New Rule: ice cream should stay nonpartisan. Some right-wingers came out with an ice cream to counteract the hippies at Ben & Jerry’s with flavors like “Smaller Govern-Mint”, “I Hate the French Vanilla”, and “Iraqi Road”. I know, anything to get Ann Coulter to eat. But these guys are missing the whole point of Ben & Jerry’s. Hippie ice cream is fun because you eat it when you’re stoned.

New Rule: wing nuts have to stop saying that they’re going to boycott Oreos because they made a gay cookie. In fact, this giant blob of vegetable oil and corn syrup is the perfect symbol for gay pride, because when I look at it, I’d rather have a dick in my mouth.

New Rule: couples who make out in public have to bring a bucket for me to throw up in. I didn’t come all the way to Applebee’s to be sickened by your dry humping. I came all the way to Applebee’s to be sickened by the food.

New Rule: parents have to stop telling me that their little daughter is going to be a heart-breaker or that she’s flirting with me. It’s just plain creepy. Plus, it makes me regret having lunch alone at Chuck E. Cheese’s.

New Rule: if churches don’t have to pay taxes, they also can’t call the fire department when they catch on fire. Sorry Reverend, that’s one of those services that comes with paying in. I’ll use the fire department that I pay for, you can pray for rain.

New Rule: if you protest motorcycle helmet laws by not wearing a helmet and you get into an accident, you deserve to die.

New Rule: Chinese restaurants have to stop being judgmental whenever I ask for a fork. It’s not a hate crime. Give me a fork before it dawns on me what the fuck I’m really eating.

These examples are just a few of what you can expect from Bill Maher’s two books “New Rules” and “The New New Rules”. If you need current examples, watch his show on HBO every Friday night. We’re going to overtime!

　

***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

MORT: Peter, you’re swallowing those suppositories?
PETER: No, I’m shoving them up my ass. Of course I’m swallowing them!

-Family Guy-